Chapter Ninety-One
TYLER
Before I know it, I’m unlocking the door to Sam’s apartment with shaky hands, struggling to open it through blurred tear-filled eyes.
I didn’t even think before getting in my truck and driving here in the middle of the night.
As soon as Sunny walked out the door, leaving me in bed oblivious to the hollowness I’d wake up to, it’s like something inside me snapped, waking me to realize my new reality.
A life without her.
I spent every free minute I had tracking Ryan down and I still don’t know where he is. All my efforts and exhaustion have led to the one thing I didn’t want it to lead to.
Sunny walking out the door.
Defeat. That’s what this unfamiliar feeling is. It grips my chest like a vice, making everything I am feel worthless. Failure courses my veins and fills my chest in place of her.
My entire purpose is her. My heart is so filled with her, I can’t even call it my own anymore. Yet somehow, it has been wasted, failed, and defeated because I can’t even protect or save the one reason for my existence.
It isn’t something I’m familiar with, and I’m not happy about this introduction to one another. It’s like a fucking sucker punch to my gut, leaving a hallow void where my girl once filled me.
I wanted to know the parts of her that died and came back to life.
I wanted to know the things that haunt her as she tries to find rest from her long days.
I wanted to know why her home was full of ghosts and why she swore to never go back.
I wanted to know the strings inside her that kept her together since mine were so deeply woven there, to.
And for how long they’d last until they snapped.
I wanted to know why she refused to tell anyone about her past and why she left scarred and wrecked, refusing to let anyone help her.
It made me angry and useless, not being able to understand these things. Even after six months of feeling like I knew every part of her, it made me realize I still barely know who she is.
And I hate it because despite the fact I have the knowledge of her entire life in my hands, on my computer, scattered across my desk, despite the fact I spent the last six months exploring her body and soul, I simply don’t know her at all.
And I hate it because while my mind screams at me to say she is the absolute worst person in the world for shattering my heart, it also tells me she’s the best. Because even at her hands, my broken heart will still undeniably beat for her.
I curse and praise the man who came before me for not giving her exactly what she needed but leading her to me. But fuck him for making her so broken she can’t even understand a love that expects nothing in return.
She’s gone now. And I’ll never be whole again.
I won’t stop searching. Not then, not now. The damage is done. And she made it clear what she wants to do. Because of what I did to her. Am I no better than Ryan?
This won’t be one of those things where my heart was so broken and shattered that I won’t believe in love or that it doesn’t exist. Because it does.
It exists in her.
In me.
In us.
I only ever thought there were two kinds of love. The kind you’d kill for and the kind you’d die for. But she, she is the kind of love I want to fucking live for.
Sam emerges from her loft with a bat in her hand, ready to fight me as the intruder. I didn’t even call, I didn’t warn her and probably scared her.
“Tyler?” She flips the lights on. “Oh, Tyler.” She places a hand over her mouth.
“She left.” I look at my sister through tear blurred eyes. “She left. She fucking left. I don’t know why I didn’t think she would. But she left,” I sob, as if all the pain in my life is finally coming to the surface, and I can’t stop it.
I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
The pain, the fucking pain consumes me the way she did. It takes her place. It’s like I have smoke inhalation in the wake of the fire inside her that devoured me and has now been put out. And yet I still desperately want to follow the smoke trail, hoping it will lead me back to her.
Falling to my knees in my sister’s apartment, the sobs take over. I don’t even recognize the sounds coming from my own mouth. I don’t recognize myself.
Sam is immediately on her knees, hugging me as I cry into her neck. “I know, Tyler. I know. I think we all clung to a little bit of hope that she felt safe enough to stay with us.”
I know now that you truly lose a part of yourself when you lose someone you love. And I know that the only thing stronger than my love for Sunny is the pain that comes with missing her. The only thing stronger than that is my need to protect her.
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” she continues.
But it’s not okay. Call me obsessive, call me delusional, call me pathetic. I don’t care. I love that girl. That won’t ever change.
“I thought she changed her mind? I thought she was going to talk to you about meeting with our lawyers?” She cups my face, searching for answers.
“I fucked up. I broke a promise to her. And I hurt her,” I admit.
“What did you do?”
“I’ve been tracking Ryan.”
She stills, nipping at her lip as she contemplates her answer. “I don’t blame you one bit.”
I finally gain my composure, swallow hard and nod.
“Did you find him?” she asks.
“No.” I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“Find him, Tyler. Don’t stop. Find him so our girl can be free.”
I nod because I never planned on stopping.
I know that I’d do his life all over again, if it meant that I could experience these last six months with Sunny again. Even if it had the same ending. I’d go through this pain over and over if it meant I got what we had each time.
Not everyone is as lucky as we are to experience a love like this.
She isn’t just a chapter. No, she’s the whole fucking story.