3. Callum
Callum
“I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.”— Shrek Forever After
L overly Cave, a small coastal town in California.
Population three thousand one hundred and ten.
Ninety percent of who have lost all of their marbles.
I was born and raised here. I wreaked havoc and embraced the lifestyle until I couldn’t anymore.
Until I had to get out of here as soon as I could, and I guess staying away from the colorful, hippy-infested madness with in-town gossiping chats and meddling locals that is Loverly Cave for over sixteen years, opened my eyes wide and clear.
As in, this isn’t normal in the slightest but somehow is here.
God knows I never planned to be back home, but God also has a sense of humor, and here I am .
As a sheriff none-the-less. A decision I regret more and more the longer Mrs. Fanny Lovesil—also known as Love-Hive-Grannies-United gang leader—keeps talking.
“And another thing!” She points her index finger at me across my desk, her gray, short curls bouncing around wildly each time she starts a new sentence. “The quiet hours you decided to adopt are unacceptable! Completely outrageous!”
“Mrs. Lovesil—”
“Oh, don’t Mrs. Lovesil me. I wiped your butt when it could fit in the palm of my hand.” I so did not need this visual. “I’m still available, by the way.” She batts her lashes at me. “If you ever need help in that area again.” Scratch that, I didn’t need this visual.
I groan. Out loud. “Mrs. Lovesil—” Once again, I stop when I hear a scary growl come out of the tiny grandma.
I wouldn’t put it past her to bite me. In all of her five-foot-nothing frame, neon colored Adidas suits, and easy-going vibes you’d never suspect the most viscous hippy gang leader known to mankind.
“Fanny,” I amend, shifting in my seat. “For all that is holy, can we be done with this conversation?”
“Sure thing, Cakepop. As soon as you retract those ridiculous rules you posted this morning.” She sits back in the plastic chair, her arms crossed across her chest.
I don’t know if my eyes hurt from the headache this conversation is giving me or the neon pink Adidas tracksuit with matching headband she’s wearing today.
I should make another rule about the dress code in this town.
Seriously, what is it with people in Loverly Cave and their undying love for all things ridiculous and eighties?
“These are normal rules that our county lives by,” I parrot for the thousandth time in the span of twenty minutes.
“Pshh, who are you calling normal, boy?”
I cluck my tongue against my teeth. “That’s right, I’m sorry. The audacity to call you all normal…I have no idea what I was thinking.” I squeeze my eyes shut, rubbing them hard with the heels of my hands.
More like the delusion…but we’ll go with au dacity.
You can handle a few crazy locals and the madness that is this town. You’re a Navy Seal, for crying out loud.
Unfortunately for me, the Navy didn’t prepare me for this level of torture. And in the sixteen years that I’ve been gone from my hometown, I forgot just how insane the locals are.
You know, it’s kind of like with the memories of a toxic ex-girlfriend. With time all the bad slowly starts to fade away and you only remember the good parts, so you run head-first back into that relationship, and then BAM ! Reality check.
That’s what I’m experiencing right now.
An intense reality check.
There was a reason I left Loverly Cave as soon as I could and never anticipated to come back.
More than one reason to be exact, but then I found out my little sister decided it was a good idea to start dating my idiot best friend, Griffin Owling, who I specifically warned about staying away from said sister back when we were teenagers.
I saw how that fucker looked at her with hearts in his eyes and other parts of his body and I wanted those parts as far away from my little sister as I could get them.
Introducing…another fucking reality check for Callum.
The fucker got those parts so close to her that she is now pregnant. And wears his ring on her finger.
I guess it could be worse…she could fall for my other best friend and an even bigger fucker, Luke Colson, but luckily for me, he somehow managed to get another unfortunate soul to marry him.
And I’ll never admit this out loud, but I respect the hell out of Griffin for standing up to me when I came back, ready to rip him apart for touching my little sister and demanding he leave her alone. He wouldn’t, of course.
No, Griffin was too far gone for my nature-loving-barefoot-walking sister, and I was left with bitter disappointment that I’ll have to accept this relationship. But again…at least it’s not Luke!
“There’s a lot of thinking happening in that pretty head of yours, Sheriff.” Fanny regards me curiously .
I blink a few times, coming back to the present torture, and sighing, I lean forward again. “Mm-hmm, I’m trying to figure out why God keeps punishing me in this life.” That’s not even a lie at this point.
“You know what your problem is?” She puckers her lips in thought.
“No, and I don’t need you to enlighten me but I’m sure you will anyway.”
“You need a woman.” She does as I predict, and I fight the urge to slam my head against the desk.
“Let me guess, you already have someone lined up for me and are in the process of pulling one of your elaborate schemes at having us fall madly in love and live a happily ever after we tie the knot underneath the Loverly Cave itself?”
Fanny smiles wickedly and I know I hit the bullseye from the first try.
This time I’m not even bothering at holding back. Nope, I slam my head against the desk with a loud, exasperated groan. What is it with this town and their need to marry everyone off?
They even have a whole committee set up for it where they scheme and plot and meddle, for crying out loud. I’m not even joking.
There are four matriarchs who are masterminds behind it all. I think they call themselves the Fantastic Four. God help us all.
Willa Loverson, the owner of our local Love and Peace Bar.
Jenny Levine, she’s a fairly new resident but already made her mark.
She also happens to be Luke’s mother-in-law.
Then we have Nina Colson, Luke’s mom—the unfortunate fucker got the short end of the stick there—and finally, there is the main pain in my ass, Fanny Lovesil, who sits across from me, looking particularly menacing because everyone knows this tiny grandma will get what she wants come hell or high waters.
She was my grandmother’s best friend since they were in diapers, and ever since Nana passed away, Fanny took on her role. But for some reason she doesn’t torture my sister half as much as she does me. Even when I was thousands of miles away .
Because how do you think I found out about Julie’s relationship when I had zero contact with Loverly Cave? Fanny made it her life mission to email me. Daily.
And don’t be fooled by her peaceful, colorful appearance. The woman owns the local gym, can kick your ass better than many Seals I served with, and has spies everywhere.
Not to mention, my own mother has been spotted hanging out with the four devils and it’s not hard to guess what they are planning, seeing as I’m the only available bachelor in town at the moment.
At least in their eyes.
In reality? I might as well be at the bottom of the ocean, long gone to this world, love, and all that comes with it.
You’d think they understand I’ll never be the guy to have a family. I’m not the guy they saw growing up around here. Not someone who could smile as easy as breathe and love a different girl every day.
That ain’t my story no more.
But the Love Hive—that’s the name of the town group chat by the way—refuses to accept the fact.
If my last months in Loverly Cave back when I was eighteen didn’t change me forever…then the Navy sure as hell left a nice little impression. I breathed and lived it for sixteen years, never allowing anything other than my training, and then my missions, into my mind.
Truth be told, I wasn’t even sure if I was capable of living in normal society again and I didn’t particularly want to find out.
Hell, I wasn’t really planning on making it out of there. Ever.
But then the news of my sister…and here we are. I was planning to leave right after making sure Griff would take care of my sister and their baby properly.
What I didn’t anticipate was getting accosted by half the town—the pain in my ass across the desk included—about helping out my hometown in a time of need.
Somehow—and I really don’t want to know how, but I’ll bet my life savings on Fanny’s spies—they found out I had my POST certificate.
It’s this training one needs to go through if they want to be a police officer, and they kept nagging for months for me to take the position.
I didn't need it. I simply got it because it was something to do to kill time. That sort of became my life.
I was just killing time.
Finally, I relented, but only as a temporary measure, until they found someone else. Meanwhile, enjoying spending time with my family and friends.
Speaking of which…those assholes, Luke and Griffin, laughed their asses off when I told them. And at that time, I couldn’t understand what was so funny. But now, I do. This was never going to be temporary, and they got me right where they wanted me.
See what I mean about scheming and plotting? It’s in the fucking blood here.
“I like the way you think, Cake pop,” Fanny says. “We have a few candidates in review. Serena Bringham, Molly Tilmak, Lia—”
“Lia, my sister’s employee?” Julie owns her own non-coffee-coffee-shop and the girl working there is barely past the legal age.
I grimace. “She’s a baby! Are you completely off the rocker?
” I see her opening her mouth and decided to add something while I have the chance.
“And no, I don’t like the other two candidates either. ”