2. Olly #2
Through my drawings, I knew that Shepard was going to die in about five years in a random mugging in Montréal.
He would be searching for his birth parents, who had apparently immigrated from Mumbai to Canada, and be stabbed by someone who was still technically a child, in their first robbery.
I’d used a lot of red marker in those drawings.
I hated them, and the responsibility I had to either maintain my code of ethics and never intervene, or tell this brilliant man when his expiration date was.
I wrestled with this until I realized that if the situations were reversed, I’d want to know.
I was going to tell him in the new year, which was just a few months away.
He was doing so well with his art right now and transitioning into making it a career, and I’d hate to ruin that for him.
I decided to butter Shepard up for the pregnancy announcement with some takeout from our new favorite place we discovered through Aaron and Jeff.
He had a love affair with Singapore noodles, while tonight I was craving nasi goreng like crazy.
Cedar’s company car waited for me at the restaurant while I collected our food, and then I was off home to our third-floor walk-up, the scent of deliciousness surrounding me.
I struggled with the key in our finicky door, and it was the first thing to bring a little smile to my face all day.
Shepard and I could afford to move on up, as they say, but we had hung onto our first joint apartment we got when we were just starting out as grad students in Halifax, and nothing had been certain.
The door reluctantly heaved open with a sigh, and Shepard followed his nose to the kitchen, where I set out the take-out containers.
He flashed me that brilliantly white smile of his, and I smiled back.
Words were often unnecessary between us, especially after a long day at the office, and I put my coat and work bag away, thinking that by accepting the promotion, I had accepted an end to living this practically bohemian life with Shepard.
He could always come with me, but would he?
I held my composure as I realized that no, no, he wouldn’t.
A future without Shepard always there? Was I really ready to stand on my own two feet and live alone?
He had pulled up the stools to the counter and waited for me to sit before practically diving headfirst into his noodles.
We’d finished our comfortably silent dinner, and he whisked away the empty cartons into the compost when I said in a decisive voice, “Shep. Come snuggle in bed with me? No sex. I feel awful, but I need to talk to you.”
Shepard nodded, saying, “I wasn’t going to be the one to say it, but you look like you’ve been to hell and back today.
You should get in your flannel jammies while I clean up the place a bit.
Turn on the heated blanket, maybe? Get warm like a cute little dumpling, and we’ll talk.
” He booped my nose with his index finger, and I couldn’t help but smile, just for a moment, before snagging my pyjamas out of the dryer.
The queen-sized bed I shared with Shepard was soft, and snuggling with him in it was like being wrapped in the best hugs ever.
I had no sooner changed than Shepard came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my tummy.
“You looked like you needed a hug,” he said, resting his chin on the top of my head.
I turned in his arms and lay my head against his chest just for a moment before reality would come crashing down and our whole world would change.
He kissed me just once, like a peck really, on the corner of my mouth, and then pulled back, cupping my cheek with one hand.
“Yeah, you do have something big on your mind. You’re going pale.
Get in bed.” He pulled back the covers for me, turned on the electric blanket, and then showed up with two Tylenol, a bottle of Gravol, a bottle of water, a box of plain crackers, and a spare bucket.
I understood that Shepard never wanted to be a parent, but damn, he had some good caretaking skills.
He stripped out of his clothes quickly and then dove under the covers fast to keep the heat from escaping.
I reached out and grabbed his hand, knowing I needed to be grounded to someone, someone steady, as I relayed the news.
“There’s no sugarcoating this,” I said, our brown eyes looking deep into each other’s as we lay side by side.
“I’m pregnant. I think about ten weeks, but I’m going to call for a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.
” I wanted to tack on an I’m sorry, but this wasn’t just my fault.
It took both of us, a box of cheap wine, tequila, some antibiotics, and a faulty condom to get here.
Shepard stilled and said in a very calm voice, “I thought we said we weren’t going to bring other people into our bed.
That we were satisfied with each other. Whose baby is it?
” Whose baby...? I held back what I knew would be a flood of tears, either of anger or just hurt.
He was essentially accusing me of breaking our arrangement, of cheating, and as I looked into his eyes, I couldn’t reconcile that with the Shep who brought me crackers and Gravol.
My heart hurt, and it hurt because my best friend and only real family I had in the world didn’t trust me.
How was I to make a decision about the pregnancy alone?
I must have looked worse than I thought because Shepard tightened his hold on my hand when I said, “It was after Asian food night at Jeff and Aaron’s, like two and a half months ago.
Remember, the box of wine there, the shots of tequila back here, and the condom that broke while I was on antibiotics?
Fuck, Shepard, I tell you I’m pregnant, and the first thing you do is act like we’re on Paternity Court? ”
He closed his eyes, and I saw the stray tears that had shaken loose and were falling down his cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Olly. I’m so sorry. Of course it’s mine.
That was epically stupid of me. But…but…
damn, what do we do? Do we just ask your doctor for a referral to the hospital and what, nip it in the bud?
Can we do that in this country? I mean, I think so, but I’m not sure. ”
Shepard’s fear was palpable, reminding me of sour milk, so I closed my eyes and appealed to whoever might be listening for the ability to drown out his emotions right now.
Swimming through other people’s surface thoughts or feelings was something I had to actively try not to do, or I’d find out all sorts of things I didn’t want to know.
Things I ethically shouldn’t know. I believed in privacy and consent before charging headfirst into someone else’s inner world.
I reached out and held his other hand in mine, scooting over until we were almost nose to nose.
Now was the time for total honesty. “I did think of it. But the moment the word ‘terminate’ crossed my mind, I knew even if I wanted to do it, that I couldn’t do it.
I don’t want the eventual baby, Shepard.
I’m sorry, because I think you and I will make an amazing little human being, but I can’t see motherhood being my path at this point in my life.
I don’t want to be pregnant, but I am. So I have to choose something, and I think all these thoughts and doubts and fears add up to—"
“Adoption,” he said, finishing my sentence.
I wasn’t pissed. We were always finishing each other’s thoughts, and this time, I was glad we were on the same page.
“Or marriage.” What? That wasn’t the same page.
That wasn’t even the same book! I started to recoil, and Shepard very gently tightened the pressure on my hands.
“Olive. Olly. You know. I mean, you must know, after all these years that I would do anything for you. Anything. I love you so damn much. We could raise this baby and give it a good life, the two of us. Give it the childhood and love neither of us had.”
I closed my eyes and scooted a few inches back for more breathing room.
“Shepard, not three minutes ago, you were asking if we could… what was that phrase? Ah, yes, ‘nip it in the bud.’ You don’t want to be a father.
You never have. You’ve talked at length about how, not even with your perfect match, you wouldn't want to have a baby. You’re just overwhelmed and scared and grasping at all the options at once because this is a big decision, the biggest of our lives, right?
” I nodded as I spoke, hoping he would follow along with where I was going.
In typical Shepard fashion, however, he continued riding whatever crazypants train he was on.
“Well, maybe you’re my perfect match, and I don’t know it because I’m so damn foolish. I do shit like not checking the expiry date on what was obviously an old condom, considering I had to reach all the way to the back of the drawer to find one.”
“Look, I barely remember that night—way too much booze—but if I’d not been so hungover the next day, I would’ve remembered about those damn antibiotics, thought to go to the pharmacy the next morning, and all this could’ve probably been avoided.
So there’s enough blame to go around here, and we’re both facing the consequences.
” I entwined my legs with Shepard’s, because I had a feeling this could be our last night together, huddled up like this.
“There’s more. Are you okay to hear it? Or should I let it keep? ”
“No, just tell me. This feels like a night for revelations.” I nodded. It did.