Chapter 2 #2
‘He wanted to be rich in his own right,’ I say. Leo had a chip on his shoulder about coming from old money. He hadn’t wanted to inherit the swanky lifestyle; he’d wanted to earn it.
‘Well, there’s a good chance his dad pulled some strings to get him the job, but …
’ Alex shrugs. ‘Leo moves in different circles, but when we do see each other, it’s like old times, you know?
’ I nod. ‘Like this.’ He gestures between us, his expression softening.
‘It feels like ten minutes, Eils, not ten years. You’re still that same determined wee lassie, eh? ’
In many ways, it feels longer, but I know what he means.
I shrug – it hurts to think of my innocence back then, all that hope and expectation.
I’d known bad times too, but I thought St Andrews would be the making of me.
I thought I’d love Gen and Jameson, and the others, for ever.
‘So, Leo’s getting married?’ I need a distraction from the dangerous avenue my thoughts are heading down – a dead end blocked with memories of the boy I adored and thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.
He pulls a face. ‘Yeah … to Kimmy.’
‘St Andrews Kimmy?’ I didn’t expect that.
He nods. ‘I was surprised, too. They did get together briefly at uni – final year. He was single for a long time after Gen. He was devastated, you know … Anyway, they broke up but met up again years later and suddenly it’s this big romance and they’re getting married.
’ He shakes his head. ‘There was always something between them …’
I don’t respond. Inside I’m reeling – both at the news that Leo got together with Kimmy, of all people, and at hearing Gen’s name spoken aloud. For years I’ve only heard it inside my head.
Alex studies me. ‘You all right, Eils?’
‘I guess it was good of him to wait a bit before getting with the girl he cheated on her with. I’m sure she’d be honoured.’
Alex blinks, and I rub my forehead, regretting my snark. ‘Sorry.’ It’s late and I’m tired, and I guess I haven’t forgiven Leo for cheating on my best friend even after all these years.
It’s really none of my business who Leo chooses to marry. We’re adults now, not stupid kids caught in love triangles, not understanding our power to destroy.
Alex shrugs. There’s nothing to say. I’m never going to be okay with what Kimmy and Leo did but Gen didn’t need me to fight her battles – she let her feelings be known all right. Her retribution was swift and brutal; it still makes me uncomfortable to think about …
I take a sip of wine and the silence stretches. We both know where we’re headed. Finally, Alex shoots me a sly smile, and says, ‘You want to know about him, but you don’t want to ask. Am I right?’
I wish I could tell him I’ve moved on, that I never give Jameson Lawton a passing thought.
But that would be a big, fat lie.
The truth is, I’ve compared everyone I’ve ever dated to Jameson – it’s a short list – and they’ve all fallen short. Even Connor. ‘Fine. How is he?’ I say, my words clipped, formal. I’m sure Alex can see through my woeful attempt at nonchalance.
Alex grins, so genuine I can see how much Jameson still means to him. ‘He’s great. Still my best mate. Still saving the world.’
Jameson was the only one of us who bothered to give blood, who volunteered at homeless shelters and gave money to good causes even when he was broke. He dreamed of working for some international charity doing vital humanitarian work. His life was always going to be dedicated to service.
‘He runs a project in Dundee – something to do with troubled kids,’ Alex says.
‘He wanted to travel,’ I muse.
‘Aye, he did too. Built schools, dug wells, delivered aid in crazy-remote places – all the things. He settled back in Dundee about a year ago and set up this charity.’
It pleases me to hear that Jameson has lived the life he imagined. The one he was destined for. I can’t bring myself to ask if he’s married, or seeing someone – I’m not ready to hear it – so I ask about Becca instead.
‘Bex is … Bex.’ Alex says slowly, like that’s all there is to it.
‘I only got back in touch with her quite recently. I went through some bad shit and decided to sort myself out, you know?’ His expression darkens and he seems lost in thought for a few seconds.
Then he shakes his head, adds, ‘I wanted to retrace my steps, get back in touch with the old gang. Bex is an influencer now.’ He rolls his eyes.
‘I asked if that was an actual job, and she was fucking offended.’
His laughter wraps around me like a comfort blanket. I find myself laughing too, caught up in the moment, missing what we had. What might things have been like if I’d stayed? In the moment, I can’t think why I gave all this up.
Then I remember I didn’t have a choice. Not really.
‘She was a journalist for a while – lifestyle and fashion stuff. The term she prefers now is content creator. She’s moved back to her parents’ estate to set up some new branch of their business. You remember Tarnmore?’
Of course I remember Tarnmore, the Morrow’s glorious stately home in the Scottish Borders. How could I forget? That was where it really started for me and Jameson – dancing on the terrace, swimming in a midnight loch, making love in a moon-bathed summerhouse …
‘Bex is a walking cliché,’ Alex says with affection – he and Becca were always close despite their vastly different backgrounds, but they could bicker for Scotland too.
‘She’s dating one of her staff.’ He waggles his eyebrows and my laughter bubbles again.
He’s so dramatic and funny. ‘One of her mother’s grooms or something.
They’ve been together three months, and now they’re moving in together in a cottage on the estate.
Happy-ever-after.’ There’s a trace of mocking in Alex’s tone, and I remember that he could always be relied upon to cut people down to size if he felt they needed it.
‘I’m happy for her,’ I say. Becca’s life sounds like a fairy tale. ‘And are you seeing anyone?’
Alex smirks. ‘Lone wolf, that’s me.’
If I remember rightly, he was never short of partners, but commitment wasn’t his bag. He and Bex were a thing, for a while.
He asks me the same question, which I should have seen coming, and I tell him about Connor, trying to keep the wistfulness from my voice. I suspect I fail, if his expression is anything to go by.
My wine is done and Alex doesn’t seem inclined to drink his whisky, so I make us both some tea. Settling back with our hot drinks, our conversation turns finally to Genevieve. After skirting around her all night, it feels natural to land here.
‘Do you ever think about that night, Eils?’ Alex asks.
All the time. ‘I try not to, to be honest.’
‘I know. It still hurts like a bitch, right? And it makes no more sense now than it did then, eh?’
‘No …’ I shiver, though it’s toasty warm with the tea, my blanket and the central heating cranked up against the December – January now – chill.
Gen shouldn’t have drowned. We should have been able to save her. That night was all wrong.
If I hadn’t lost myself to those pills, got caught up in dreams of a second chance with Jameson—
‘But do you think about it?’ Alex repeats in a low voice, his eyes stormy as they fix on me. ‘The mess we made of everything that night?’
‘Yes,’ I concede. ‘All the time.’
It’s a lie. The truth is, I don’t remember.