Chapter 14 #2
Kimmy was deeply affected. She dropped out of uni, had to repeat her first year.
Her life might seem perfect – the nice life with Leo, the sunset proposal overlooking tropical seas, the rock on her finger – but if I was in any doubt about the lasting effects of Gen’s actions, I’m not now.
I can see it in her face, hear it in her voice.
She’s shaking as she talks about it all these years later.
‘Look, it’s getting late, I’m going to head up to bed. I’m so sorry Gen hurt you, but it was a long time ago, and I promise you I had nothing to do with it.’
Could I have stopped her? I guess I’ll never know.
Guilt sours my stomach, but Kimmy’s eyes soften as she looks at me; it’s somehow harder to bear than the glittering anger. ‘I don’t understand why you don’t hate her too – after what she did to you.’
What she did to me? I don’t understand.
I frown. ‘She didn’t do anything to me, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
’ I’m close to tears – it’s the tiredness but also I’ve had too much to drink.
I’m walking on eggshells with these people, not knowing what to expect, and now taking Gen’s sins on my own shoulders.
‘Look, are you okay to take the tea up to the others? I don’t want anything after all. ’
I hurry up the stairs leaving her in the kitchen.
I just want to put this night behind me and look ahead to tomorrow – a tramp in the snowy grounds if the weather clears, perhaps a few hours whiled away in the book-lined library.
It’s only natural that our emotions are on a bit of a knife-edge, with it being the first time we’ve regurgitated our St Andrews memories, and reminisced about Gen.
I detour past the drawing room – it would be rude not to say goodnight.
As I approach the open doorway, making no noise with my socked feet, I hear Alex’s voice raised in anger.
‘Don’t be saying any of this to Eilish. She isn’t able to handle it.
But we all know it doesn’t make sense. Gen was a decent swimmer and she wasn’t that drunk.
She’d never have been stupid enough to try to cross the estuary.
We know there had to be someone else in the water with her. Someone who wanted her dead.’
*
Frozen in shock, I hug the shadows as Becca and Leo tumble out of the door a few moments later. She’s holding his hand and tugging him along, and he’s sliding a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket. ‘Come on,’ she instructs. ‘We’ll wrap up warm and go out on the terrace.’
They disappear, laughing, down the corridor.
I press a hand to my head and lean against the wall, reeling from what I just heard and from the alcohol.
Before I can detach myself and go up to bed, Euan emerges from the drawing room with a face like thunder.
He’s more observant than Becca or Leo, and catches sight of me. ‘You all right, Eilish?’
‘Yeah, fine. Thanks.’
He nods. ‘I’ve had enough; I’m heading to bed.’
‘Me too.’
‘Right then.’ He gives me a quick wave and leaves. I wonder if he’s pissed off at Becca for flirting with Leo – although he seemed secure enough in their relationship before. I’m sure Kimmy will be spitting when she returns to the drawing room and realises Leo has gone off with Bex.
I climb the stairs, legs like lead. I avoid looking at the looming skull or peering too far into the deepening shadows. Alex’s words rattle around my brain.
Don’t be saying this to Eilish …
Someone in the water with her … someone who wanted her dead.
Kimmy’s words mingle with Alex’s.
I don’t understand why you don’t hate her too … after what she did to you.
I try not to resent them for tarnishing my memories of Gen. For making me question everything.
In my bedroom, I lean against the door with a thankful sigh.
When I push away from the door I trip on the plush rug.
I stumble, shooting out a hand to catch myself on the wall.
After cursing at the rug, I change into my pyjamas.
I wash my face and brush my teeth in the en suite.
Then I start to unpack, placing my books on the nightstand.
Looking for Alaska is on top, but I’m still not ready for it – as if the words are Gen’s somehow, and I will open the cover and find she has woven herself into the story. I’m not sure why I brought it; it just felt right to bring something of hers on this journey into our shared past.
I slide into the bed, which is every bit as comfortable as I’d hoped, and try to quiet my overactive mind. So far, the reunion has been far stranger than I expected.
So many highs and lows and I’ve only been here for a few hours.
Conversations run on repeat in loops. Jameson’s face fills my mind – with his soulful eyes and steadfast smile. I push him away.
He might still look like the boy who stole my heart in St Andrews all those years ago, but we’re not the same. We’re not kids. I’m conflicted – desperate to be here, drawn to these people once more. But also like I might run away again at any moment.
Thoughts of Gen perdure as I spin into sleep – clinging like briars, refusing to let go.
Genevieve dancing by firelight, bright blooms in her hair …
Swimming in the dark, petals bobbing on the swell.
And drowning by moonlight amid a scattering of waterlogged flowers.