Chapter 24
I press my fingers to my temples. ‘I think I’d remember a conversation like that, Alex,’ I say, trying to sound in control of myself.
Everyone is looking at me, even Euan, his eyebrows almost meeting his hairline, his whisky tumbler poised halfway to his mouth.
This is probably not the house party he imagined when his girlfriend announced she was inviting a bunch of old friends over.
‘But you don’t remember most of that night do you, Eilish?’ Alex is being gentle with me now, but it’s too late; the damage is done. ‘You outright told me you have amnesia.’
Becca gasps.
‘I remember some of it,’ I say defensively. ‘Just not … all.’
Becca says, ‘So you don’t know why I lied. Why we all lied.’
Slowly, I shake my head.
‘I thought you looked confused when I mentioned it.’ She throws up her hands. ‘I didn’t want to bring this up in front of … outsiders. No offence, Euan, Kim.’
‘None taken,’ Euan mutters. Kimmy frowns and I suspect in her case there is some offence taken. Probably quite a lot.
‘It’s not my proudest moment,’ Becca continues. Clearly she’s realised that the outsiders are already part of this mess. ‘I’m sure Alex, Leo and Jameson feel the same way, Eilish. The thing is, we lied to protect you.’
‘What?’ I gape at her. I assumed she, like me, was hearing Alex’s madcap theories for the first time, not that she, along with the rest of my friends, convicted me already a decade ago, and kept their suspicion close all these years.
‘So the whole motive 1, motive 2 nonsense …’ I look at Alex accusingly and he shrugs.
‘A bit of theatre, I admit.’ He has the grace to look abashed. ‘I couldn’t help myself. But we always suspected it was you.’
‘All of you did?’ I can’t bring myself to look at Jameson. He doesn’t say anything and his silence speaks volumes.
Becca leans over to put a hand on my knee and I’m in too much shock to shake her off.
I’m frozen to the spot. ‘The thing is, Eilish, we didn’t want you to get in trouble.
’ She winces. ‘Like Alex said, we all had reason to be relieved Gen was dead, and it was so easy to make it seem like an accident, so … The lie just tripped off my tongue and everyone played along. Later, after you’d fled, we discussed it and decided we were better off staying quiet.
Ratting you out to the police wouldn’t have brought her back.
And it’s not like we thought you were a danger to anyone else … ’
‘I’d like to point out here,’ Jameson says in a strangled voice, ‘that we didn’t all think Eilish was guilty.’
Becca rolls her eyes. ‘Yeah, fair enough – your loyal, naive boyfriend, preferred to delude himself that you were innocent and stick with the theory that Gen drowned going for a solo fucking night swim. But of course, that meant disregarding the other evidence—’
‘What other evidence?’ This is a dream; it must be. My overtaxed emotions have conjured this nightmare somehow; there’s no way she is calmly accusing me of murder and laying out the evidence like she’s describing the plot of a book. My gaze travels around the room, finally landing on Jameson.
‘I didn’t believe it, Eilish, and I still don’t,’ he says quickly. ‘Alex, Becca, I have no idea what you’re playing at bringing all this up now.’
‘Don’t blame me,’ Becca says sulkily. ‘I was happy to leave it all in the past where it belongs. It’s Alex who decided to play detective and treat us all to this little denouement.’
My eyes alight on the outsiders. First Euan, then Kimmy.
What were they all thinking, exposing the lies in front of strangers?
Kimmy has a vested interest in keeping it quiet, but surely Euan isn’t going to listen to these tales of murder and cover-ups and just …
forget he heard any of it. He’s examining the chess board again, toying with a piece as though considering an opening gambit.
I’m sure the first thing he’ll do when the storm abates is ring the police.
‘This is outrageous,’ I say, trying to muster defiance once more. Not being able to remember doing it doesn’t necessarily mean I didn’t kill Genevieve – hell, an hour ago I was contemplating the possibility that we’d all schemed together and taken her down as a pack –
But I’m not capable of something like that.
Except, maybe we’re all capable of far worse than we imagine, than we like to admit.
I think about her drugging my boyfriend and setting him up, the pity painted on her features as she showed me that photograph and her arms wrapped around me when I sobbed out my heartbreak.
My fists clench.
Leo says, ‘You’re the most likely to have actually gone after her, Eilish, but she was a piece of work. It could have been any one of us. It’s not like we were sorry she was gone.’ It’s a poor attempt at solidarity.
I clench my teeth and grind out, ‘Why am I the most likely? What other evidence?’
‘Your clothes,’ he says softly.
‘My clothes?’
The memory that flashed back to me in the bathroom. My hair streaming seawater down my back, my top and shorts clinging to me …
Leo continues, ‘It had been a difficult night. After Alex accused Gen and laid out all the evidence for what she’d done to you and Jameson, you ran off.
We all went our separate ways. Gen pitched a fit and was screaming at Alex, so Jameson pulled him away and took him for a walk to sober him up.
Gen stropped off towards the water saying she was going for a swim – she wasn’t, she just wanted one of us to go after her and try to stop her.
I went up onto the golf course for a stroll to clear my head.
Becca stayed by the fire. I don’t know where you went. ’
Neither do I.
I look at Alex, who is studying me carefully. There’s something in his eyes still; like he’s trying to communicate something without words, but I don’t know what he’s trying to tell me. I’m so confused. ‘So you and Jameson were together?’
That means they couldn’t have harmed Gen.
‘Actually, no,’ Alex admits, with a glance at Jameson. ‘He was giving me a hard time for giving you those pills, so I …’ He frowns and drops his head. ‘I, uh …’
‘He punched me and stormed off,’ Jameson supplies.
‘Woah,’ says Leo. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah,’ Alex admits, scrunching up his face. ‘Not my finest hour either.’
‘Back to my clothes,’ I say softly. A horrible fatalism settles over me. I have to know.
‘Yeah,’ Leo says. ‘So when I came back down from the links I saw you standing by the water’s edge staring out to sea.
You were crying and your clothes were soaked.
That was before you went into the water to try to rescue Gen.
It was right before I spotted her and raised the alarm.
I asked if you were okay, but you were incoherent, almost hysterical.
I tried to comfort you, pulled you into a hug.
Then I looked up, and over your shoulder I saw her.
Genevieve. Floating face down. That’s when I screamed.
You were soaked, Eilish. You’d definitely been in the water. ’
Oh fuck.
My patchy memory has always disturbed me. It’s what’s kept me from reuniting with these people until now and from thinking too hard about that night. Traumatic dissociation, it’s called. I understand it; I’ve studied it. I just never thought I’d be applying the theory to myself.
But what was the trauma I experienced?
Was it seeing my best friend drown so soon after my mother met the same fate, and being once again unable to save her?
Or was it the fact that I was the one who held her under the water?
*
‘This is insane,’ I say, wishing my voice didn’t sound quite so unsteady. ‘I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve by this ridiculous game of Cluedo, Alex.’
Alex shrugs. ‘Secrets like that can’t stay buried forever.’
Euan stands up, setting down his whisky glass.
‘All right, I’m out. You lot are mad. This – whatever the fuck this is – it’s mental.
’ He shakes his head. ‘You’re all crazy drunk and you …
’ He nods at Alex. ‘You’re high as a kite, mate.
If this is anything other than a set-up – which by the way, you’ve taken way too far – then you’re all actually insane.
Sounds to me like your friend – who happened to be something of a bitch by the sounds of it – took a swim while she was off her face on pills and you’ve all created this fiction for reasons best known to you.
It’s some sort of mass hysteria or something.
But you’re not teenagers now, you’re grown adults. ’
Everyone goes quiet, heads bowed like we’re a bunch of kids getting in trouble. Jameson tries to get me to look at him, but I can’t.
He defended me. He said he didn’t ever believe it.
But what if he’s just being nice?
The doubt in my own mind is enough; it’s clouding my judgement, drowning every rational thought. I can almost feel the waves rushing against my calves as I waded out, see the shock on her face as I knocked her into the water, feel the tangle of her hair in my fingers as I held her head under—
No!
It’s not true. It can’t be true. My mind is playing tricks on me.
Euan says to Becca, ‘I’m going back to the cottage. You coming?’
‘No, you go on, babe. I’ll stay here and try to smooth this over.’
Smooth it over – they just accused me of murder.
‘Suit yourself,’ Euan growls. He shoots the rest of us a final, remonstrative look and departs. Alex seems to wilt then, as if he’s used up all the chemical energy and now he’s spent.
‘I’m going to bed too,’ I say, faintly. ‘I’ll be leaving first thing in the morning.’
‘Eilish …’ Becca begins as if she’s going to tell me I’m overreacting and just need to relax. Like this can be swept under the carpet.
‘You can’t leave if the roads are closed,’ says Kimmy practically, and I want to slap her. But that would hardly prove to my friends, or to myself, that I’m not a violent person.
‘Don’t come after me,’ I warn. ‘I don’t want to talk to anyone.’
Jameson shakes his head. ‘This has gone far enough. There has to be an explanation for Eilish’s clothes being wet. It’s just not feasible that she killed Gen.’
Jameson wants me to be innocent.
He might believe in me, but he’s the only one.
Myself included.