Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Zaiah
The bed smells like…me.
I push my head deep into the pillow and sniff. No hint of Len’s shampoo. Or her body spray. Her scents have disappeared over the last few days. Dejected, I flip to my back and stare at the ceiling.
I already know what I’ll find when I walk out into the suite. If she’s here, she’ll be perfectly cordial. She might even kiss me on the cheek. When asked, she’ll say nothing’s wrong, but something is. She’s checked out. The beginning stages of zombieism or something. There’s none of the banter, or the laughs, or anything even close to a genuine smile.
She’s going through the motions, and I did that to her.
I throw the covers off and pull on some gym clothes. The weight room has been my friend lately. That smells awful, too, but at least it doesn’t feel like this. Like I somehow broke her. If there was a button I could push, a switch to toggle, I’d make sure it was in the right position.
After realizing she was right, I tried to tell her I’d do better. The day after our infamous win, I tried to have a heart-to-heart, but it was one-sided. At least at the gym, when something weighs heavy, I get some resistance. Some push back.
The aroma of burnt toast greets me as I walk into the kitchen. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she says with a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
I bite the inside of my cheek. The excuses she’s given me for treating me like a roommate ring through my ears. She’s tired. She’s busy. She’s a thousand other things, but what she never says again is how I let her down. How I took her trust in me—the person she thought I was—and ruined it.
“Did you get something to eat?” I ask, only for something to say.
“Toast. Are you going to the gym?”
“Mm-hmm.”
She gets up and places her dirty dish in the sink. “I have some homework.”
“It’ll be nice when that’s over.”
“Yeah.”
She waves before turning to head to her room. She freaking waves .
If she was another girl, I’d think she’s giving me the cold shoulder on purpose, maybe even sleeping around and feels guilty enough to avoid me. But with Len, that’s not the case. I doubt she even realizes she’s pulled away to where I can’t reach her.
The truth is, I drove the wedge between us, and I wish more than anything that I could fix it. However, as she walks into the room and closes the door softly behind her, she’s out of my reach again.
I grab a granola bar from the cupboard and a bottle of water before taking off. If I know Adam, he’ll be at the gym already. Maybe even with a few other guys on the team who finally woke up when everyone showed to support us. They’re suddenly motivated, realizing that what we’re actually doing here is playing hockey.
Admittedly, I felt that way a few times, too. It’s like that old riddle “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?” For us, it’s “If we get on the ice and no one cares, are we still playing?”
Do we actually care? Are we motivating ourselves internally?
I like to think I was. Though even now, the fire in my belly is at a different level. Flames that, if I keep on stoking, could make an inferno. For fuck’s sake, if only I’d told her from the beginning that she reignited my desire. That when I saw how much she cared, the ashes turned to embers. The sparks molded like a phoenix, taking shape out of seemingly nowhere, but it started with her.
My mind is so filled with thoughts, I end up at the gym in no time. I stand in front of the squat rack, blinking because I forgot my gear. I ate my granola bar on the way, so all I have for my gym session is a bottle of water save a few swallows and me. No back brace. No lifting gloves. No towel.
The familiar melody of banging plates rings in my ears. Spinning in a circle, I spot the bench, take a seat, and bring the bottle to my lips, taking swallow after swallow until I nearly finish the whole thing.
“James, you asshole. You beat me again.”
Adam swats me on the back and drops his bag next to the rig. When I don’t say anything, he peers over his shoulder. “You good, bro?”
I lift my shoulders, and as Adam does, he turns fully to face me with the look on his face that he’s about to start spewing advice. I swear I’m going to start calling him doc. He acts like he’s the team therapist.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I look away. I’m halfway to spilling my guts to him anyway, so I say, “Sure.”
“You’ve been cagey about Len lately. Every time someone brings her up, you change the subject. I don’t ever see her around either. When we went out, she wasn’t there, and you were acting weird as fuck.”
“Is there a question in there?”
“There is, but it’s a manly question. You have to read between the lines to answer it.”
I flip him off. But the truth is, I don’t need much prodding. “I think I messed up.”
He sighs before pulling another bench next to me and taking a seat. “If you think you did, you probably did.”
I tip my bottle back to take another drink, but it’s empty. I drop it next to me, hearing the crackling of the plastic as it hits and rolls against a twenty-five pound plate.
“She’s mad. Well, she’s not acting mad now, but she called me out after the game, and she hasn’t been the same since. I’m losing her,” I confess, heart lodging in my throat. “When I ask her, she says we’re okay, but I know we’re not. She’s drifted away, and I don’t know how to bring her back. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Did you tell her?”
I nod. “Literally every day.”
“Have you showed her?”
“Showed her?”
“Let’s start from the beginning,” he says. “What did Len call you out on?”
I shrug like I can’t remember, but the truth is, her words have been swirling around me ever since. Every once in a while, they run through me like a cold wind. They’re the only thing that has threatened to take out the inferno inside me. Everything flickers, and it feels like a sucker punch to the gut.
“Come on, dude. You want help, right? I can see it.”
My shoulders slump. “Well, there were several things.” Shuffling my feet, my guilt takes over, and I’m suddenly embarrassed to tell Adam what’s going on. It makes me look like a terrible person and a coward. I blow out a breath. “One, I didn’t thank her for writing the article. Two, I never celebrate her wins. Three, I’ve been…selfish.”
“So, she’s been extremely communicative, then?”
I nod. “It’s a heavy list because I didn’t know I was doing it, but you didn’t let me say the last one. I think four is what broke her.”
“Well?”
“I was so excited after we won the game, and I went out even after she told me all the things that were bothering her. I let her go back to the apartment by herself. I was mad.”
“Mad?”
“I didn’t understand it at the time, and dammit, I felt like it was unfair of her to bring all that up after we’d had such a great game. Literally, the best thing that could’ve happened to us in the history of Warner, and she wanted to get mad at me.”
“So, you were on cloud nine and you didn’t give her props for helping you get there?”
“She didn’t just help.” I kick at something invisible on the gym mats. “I think she did the whole damn thing. We would’ve stayed cruising along in mediocrity. Not even Coach did what she did.
“She’s amazing, Adam. I’ve only been seeing her for a few months, and she’s already done more for me than anyone else. With her, I actually feel like I could play in the minors and then the league. She sees something and does it. It’s a fucking talent. No wonder she was mad. I just let things happen to me, and I was excited to celebrate with people who didn’t even help me get there.”
The air around us intensifies until it’s stifling. Sweat dots my temples, and I peer around to see if there’s a reason why it’s so damn humid in here, or if this is my body’s reaction to me fucking things up with Len.
“Maybe I’m not the person she thinks I am.”
“Timeout.” Adam moves his palms into a T position. “Let’s not play the woe-is-me card because it sounds like that’s why Len is upset, along with the fact that you haven’t appreciated her. I’m not going to comment on what you should’ve done or hammer the nail down that you messed up, but do you want to save this?”
“Of course I fucking do.”
“Then you need to fight for her. It’s what she’d do.”
I give him a strange look.
“Listen, you got everything you wanted, right? People came to the game. If you’re anything like me, people have been coming up to you on campus. They joke about wanting an autograph, and they promise they’re going to be there next week, and you might have even had some girls ask you to their rooms. Unless that’s only because I’m better looking than you.” He beams at me. “Those people? That recognition you wanted? Faceless. Nameless. They’re good for a short thrill, but there’s nothing like the way I saw Len look at you.”
I glare at him, and he lifts his hands into the “don’t kill the messenger” position.
“I’m just saying, the way she looked at you at Bubbles? I could tell there was no way that other news geek would last. She was a goner for you. If I saw her now, I’d probably see the same. She’s waiting for you to step up. Man, what I wouldn’t give to have someone fight at my side like that, and it sounds like she wants the same from you, along with some appreciation.”
“What if I’m too late? You don’t understand the way things are right now. She’s retreating, I can feel it.”
“Give her what she wants and see what happens. Don’t stand idly by.”
His words hit me like a Mack truck. She said something similar. I’ve been letting her move further and further away, lamenting that I messed up. I should’ve been fighting for her the entire time.
“I should do something big.”
He stands, hitting me on the shoulder. “You should.”
My mind starts whirring. I can’t only tell her I’m sorry and that I’ll do better. Those are mere words. As Adam said, I haven’t shown her anything. I haven’t proven to her that I mean it.
“But what should I do?”
He chuckles. “You realize I don’t have a girlfriend, right?”
“Why am I listening to you, then?”
“I’ve been wondering that this whole time.”
His snarky grin makes me shake my head. I have to show her what she means to me and support her, all while managing my hockey emotions. Prove to her that I can be the man she thinks I am. In doing so, I might actually become that man.
Now, if a half-decent idea fell into my lap, I’d be happy.
I stand, encouraged that I have a way forward. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. I don’t play hockey this way. I don’t wait for the puck to come to me like it’s a gift, I go out there and get it.
I’m going to go out there and get Len. No matter what.