21. Luna #3
“The mission of creating a utopia where people can be free to express themselves in the way that they choose.”
“You mean men,” I scoff. “You let men express themselves in the way that they choose.”
Sawyer sighs. “I’m not going to discuss this further with you, Luna… I’ve defended myself enough.”
I chew on my lip while dragging my nails across the divots in the quilt, curling my fingers until they press to my palms.
I close my eyes and try not to hate myself for what I’m about to say. “Is that why you want to spend so much time with her and so little time with me? Because she doesn’t question you?”
Sawyer’s quiet a moment. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
My cheeks pinch as I cringe. It’s as if he slapped me. “Please don’t lie to me. Not right now, not about this. I already feel pathetic enough.”
When Sawyer shifts closer, I feel even worse knowing his comfort is fake.
Over a hundred women, Luna. Why would you be the one who got to him? Why would you be special?
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” Sawyer says, his hand fitting over mine.
I want to snatch it away but don’t want him to stop talking.
“She’s just some nutty girl who knows a lot about the compound…
I’m not off riding tandem bikes and watching sunsets.
I’m just trying to figure out how to get to the cult’s money undetected, and she’s the key to that. That’s all.”
“Is that why you agreed to stop training?” I pull my hand from his to cover my face. I blow out a humorless laugh while hating myself for not seeing the obvious.
Not training me gave him more time to do what he really wanted.
I wasn’t breaking him. I wasn’t finally getting through.
He was playing me.
“No,” he says. I can’t even tell if it’s a lie. “I agreed because I’ve caused you enough pain, and I didn’t want to do it any longer… I thought you’d want to have this time to yourself. I didn’t know it would upset you.”
“I had sex with you.”
I close my eyes when my voice is too shameful to bear. He doesn’t pretend not to know what I’m talking about, and for that, I’m grateful.
When we were in the treehouse, I honestly thought I was just taking the upper hand. I hoped my kiss, my touch, my vulnerability meant something to him. I didn’t think it’d meant something to me.
I turn to look at his bracelet, but it’s tucked into his sleeve. It doesn’t matter. I know what it looks like as well as that necklace around his neck.
Is he planning on wearing that bracelet when he leaves? Does he think he’s going to be with the next girl telling stories about the silly woman trapped in a cult while she plays with the loose strands of red, the two of them cuddled up together?
I feel sorry for her. And angry with her. And jealous of her all at the same time.
“The people here went so long without welcoming new members that it created an inbreeding problem. It’s dangerous for two people born here to have a child, and my friend is afraid she’s going to wind up carrying a baby with defects they won’t accept.”
My eyes close. “She wants you to help her leave.”
“No.”
My eyes open into a squint while I wait for him to lie to my face yet again.
He sighs. “She just wants companionship, Luna… This place is so fucked up, and there’s no one she can talk to who wouldn’t have her stoned for questioning the cult’s practices. She gives me what I want because she thinks it’s helping me pass my initiation test. In return, I make her feel seen.”
I hug myself and trace the fresh cut on my arm absentmindedly.
“Are you seriously upset with me? I’m just trying to survive.”
My chest puffs as I scoff. “Your survival techniques are interesting.”
“Are they not the same as yours?”
His words land like a slap to the face, and my chest tightens before I can stop it. My hand fidgeting with the cut pauses as the moment stills.
He’s not wrong.
But there’s a stark difference between us.
The rawness I gave him was real. It was still me, no matter my purpose in sharing it.
A hollowness crawls up my throat, and I brace for it like a wave. I smooth my hands over my thighs to steady myself.
“What’s her name?” I ask, holding my breath.
No answer.
“Is she the woman we saw the other day? From the treehouse?”
Hesitation, then: “No. That was Aurelius’s daughter, Zephyr. She’s someone you should stay away from, if you can help it.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I say in a small voice.
Sawyer waits a minute before he gently pulls my hand away from my cut. I’ll need to clean it soon. Cover it before infection can set.
“You want to go on a hike with me?” he asks.
I’ve been going crazy in here, cooped up like an animal in a cage, but I don’t immediately jump at the chance to leave with Sawyer. In fact, I wish he’d leave me alone.
I turn to peer at him, at his kind face, his sparkly eyes. It pains me to be so attracted to him, and it kills me that my attraction only deepens every day.
I’m not like his victims. I’m not gullible. I couldn’t be tricked as easily as they were.
I think I’ve said that to myself a hundred times now. I’m terrified it isn’t true.
My head moves in a stiff nod before I stand. “Let me get my boots.”