Chapter 36
DAMIEN
Damien leaned back in his faux-leather office chair with padded arms and a huge headrest. He had specifically requested an extra comfortable chair. Lucy, in a good mood, had created it on the spot. It felt wonderful to finally have a job where he could sit down.
He’d arranged his desk just how he liked it: every pencil in the holder perfectly sharpened, a line of sticky notes next to the mousepad with the day’s tasks and two computer monitors.
The sweet bowl had been his own idea. He’d gathered the sweets from Floor Gluttony.
He could freely explore other floors now!
Nefertiti rested in a basket next to his desk. He’d got her toys: a fake bird on a wand and a scratching post. Reaching down, he petted her behind the ears. She purred. ‘What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you?’
‘A whale? Not that I believe in eating whale meat.’
Her tail lashed.
He thought harder about it. As if to give him a clue, she pointed at the floor map hanging by his desk. ‘Sins . . . hmm . . . Anger? No? Pride! Oh, you mean you’re proud of me.’
She purred.
He rubbed her under her chin. ‘Thanks, Your Majesty. That means a lot, coming from you. Even at my lowest moments, you always believed in me.’
The lift door opened. The chime made him stand to attention immediately. By habit, he reached for a cap that he no longer wore.
An elderly woman entered with a cane. Damien smiled professionally. ‘Are you Cherry? We’ve been expecting your arrival. I apologise that there was no one to greet you. We haven’t currently hired a new employee to man the lift. Welcome to the Purgatory Hotel for Wayward Ghosts.’
Cherry placed her hand at her ear. ‘Eh? What was that?’
He raised his voice. ‘If you desire, you can make your own hearing sharper. You are in the afterlife now. As a wise person once told me, the only limits here are the ones you impose on yourself.’
‘Ehhhhhhhhhh?’ She limped over.
‘You don’t need the cane, either. See my glasses? These are only an affectation.’ Damien took off his glasses. ‘Imagine your hearing improving.’
‘Ehhhhhhhhhh?’ She leaned over his desk, hand cupped at her ear.
He spoke directly into her ear. ‘Picture your younger body in your mind.’
‘Oh!’ Her monolid eyes widened, the cataracts vanishing. Her thin white hair turned thick and black. The wrinkles melted off her face. Her cane hit the floor and rolled away. She gazed down at her younger hands in awe. ‘I must be in Heaven!’
Damien chuckled. ‘Actually, ma’am, you’re in Purgatory.
The Purgatory Hotel for Wayward Ghosts, to be more exact.
I realise that this may come as a shock to you.
Many of our guests were expecting a fast ride to the good place.
But don’t give up hope! You have the opportunity to take a test aimed at your greatest sin. If you pass, then—’
She’d already turned away. ‘I love having a young back! Where are my five late husbands?’ Without waiting for an answer, she ran down the hallway.
Damien sighed. Working in customer service never changed. ‘I suppose I’ll have to chase her down,’ he said to Nefertiti. ‘At least I can leave my post now.’
Damien walked down the hallway, but stopped at the clashing sound of metal. A screw rolled to his feet.
‘Sorry about that.’ John caught the screw. The water fountain lay in pieces on the floor.
Damien’s eyes widened. ‘Someone is finally fixing the water fountain?’
John smiled. ‘I’m working on it. I need a different-sized wrench.
Godfrey went to fetch it for me. I’ve been having the rest of the maintenance crew shadow me as I work on our list of repairs throughout the hotel.
I will be teaching them all my knowledge.
After I ascend to Heaven, I would like to leave a competent crew behind. ’
‘Good idea,’ Damien said. Though no one else was around, he lowered his voice. ‘It must be so satisfying to have Godfrey fetch and carry for you.’
‘Godfrey’s not so bad now that I’ve got to know him.
Most of his bluster was just fear, like a porcupine puffed up to keep predators away.
He learned some acting from his circus job, and he made himself into a huge grump to keep anyone from questioning his abilities.
’ John winked. ‘But, yes, it is very satisfying.’
‘You deserve the position,’ Damien said sincerely. ‘You’re literally the only one on the crew being useful, after all.’
‘Give them time. They want to learn – or at least they want to learn more than they want to take their trials.’ John shrugged. ‘The former member of parliament is the only truly useless person on the crew, utterly incapable of completing even the most basic tasks.’
‘Even in the afterlife, huh?’ Damien rolled his eyes.
Godfrey rounded the corner, holding up a wrench and a mug. ‘I brought you coffee too, sir.’
‘Thank you.’ John took a sip, then set the mug down on the floor. ‘Black, just how I like it.’ He took the wrench. ‘I’m going to teach you how to unfasten a nut. You always turn anti-clockwise to loosen it.’
‘Wait!’ Damien said. ‘Did you see a very happy woman run this way?’
John nodded. ‘She skipped over my toolbox, knocked over some screws, then ran in that direction.’ He pointed.
‘Thanks.’ Damien followed the finger round the corner.
When Damien reached the hotel manager’s office, he stopped and knocked on the door. ‘Do you have a moment, Heather?’
‘Come in,’ she called.
Heather’s new office had an impressive cherrywood corner desk with a glass side table attached.
Thanks to the new requisitions catalogue from Lucy, Heather had been able to order a basket of fake marigolds to decorate her desk.
The back wall behind her was covered in shelves for Jaime’s books.
There was also a brown beanbag chair for reading.
‘Did you see a woman run this way?’ Damien asked.
Heather shrugged. ‘I didn’t see anyone, but I heard the footsteps. It sounded more like an elephant.’
‘Our latest guest was originally hard of hearing, before she turned younger and ran off. Perhaps we should come up with some ideas to help guests who are hearing-impaired? I could keep signs and a pamphlet at my desk.’
‘That’s a great idea.’
‘I’ve also been thinking about taking sign-language classes online. It would be useful to communicate with the mysterious entities who control the various floors.’
‘I love your initiative.’ Heather grinned. ‘I’ll order you a book on sign language.’
‘I love finally having a boss who appreciates initiative.’ Damien avoided speaking ill of the dead (even now), but the previous hotel manager had only been going through the motions by the end, weary of the job and ready to leave.
Someone new knocked on the door. Heather called, ‘Come in.’
A tall woman with a severe haircut opened the door. ‘Some madwoman nearly ran me down in the hallway! This is outrageous. Do we have no rules around here? Purgatory is descending into chaos again! Chaos, I say! I demand that you do your job as hotel manager!’
Heather placed her fingertips together. ‘I see. That’s our newest guest. Damien will find her and explain the rules at once.
Please go easy on her. New people are often disorientated by death.
You remember what it was like when you first came here, don’t you?
You were lost and confused, and you even tried to leap out of a window that was actually a landscape painting. ’
‘There’s no need to rehash old history,’ the guest said, flushing. ‘You clearly have the situation under control.’ She retreated out of the door.
Damien turned to Heather. ‘You handled that well.’
‘Thanks.’ Heather smiled. ‘I learned a few lessons on Floor Anger about dealing with difficult people. Staying calm helps defuse them. But I don’t let them walk all over me, either.’
‘Where’s Jaime?’ Damien asked, looking around.
Heather chuckled. ‘Knowing her, likely getting into trouble. If you see her, then tell her the new encyclopedia that she ordered has arrived.’
Damien made his farewells and left. He picked up his pace when he reached a bend in the hallway. It was winding back round to the reception room. He feared that Cherry might reach the lift again, then she’d be off to who knew which floor.
Fortunately, Cherry was still standing by the reception desk.
Jaime stood on the leather chair to make herself look taller.
Proudly, Jaime said, ‘I’m the assistant hotel manager at the Purgatory Hotel for Wayward Ghosts.
Here’s your room key.’ She handed it over.
‘I’ve scheduled you in for our first available slot on Floor Lust. Do you have any questions? ’
Cherry took the key. ‘Just one. How did I end up in Purgatory? I always thought I lived a decent life. Is this about the five deceased husbands? I didn’t kill any of them!’
‘If you had, then you’d probably be in Hell.’ Jaime shrugged. ‘I don’t know. We’re not the people who make that judgement call. We’re just the people who work here.’
Damien cleared his throat. ‘I have a perspective that might help you. I’ve come to realise that being in Purgatory doesn’t make any of us bad people. The tests don’t exist to punish us. This is a second chance to come to terms with our lives and deaths.’
‘I like the sound of that.’ Cherry smiled. ‘Thank you for helping me figure out this place. I’ll do my best on my test.’ She took her key and a sweet from the bowl, then left.
Jaime hopped down from the chair. ‘Did I help?’
‘You did.’ Damien patted her head. ‘I wonder if Heather knows that you’ve promoted yourself to assistant hotel manager, though?’
Jaime put her nose in the air. ‘I thought it went without saying. Is there even a need to ask her about the title? I’m obviously her second-in-command.’
‘She doesn’t know, then.’
Jaime knelt next to Nefertiti, dangling the cat toy. ‘I see someone new has taken over my old spot by the reception desk! Want to play?’
Damien could tell from Nefertiti’s lashing tail that she wasn’t in the mood to run around. ‘Heather said your new encyclopedia is here.’