Epilogue
DELILAH
Delilah fidgeted in the lift, trying to think up what to say to the very first guest she would greet at the hotel.
Her throat felt dry, and her heart pounded.
Nervousness mixed with a sincere excitement.
She was no longer a guest, an outsider. From now on, she would be part of the magic, helping people on a journey of personal discovery to reach Heaven.
Her skin tingled. For her first customer, she needed to make her speech perfect.
Spreading her arms wide, she declared, ‘Welcome to Purgatory! A place where you will be tried, tested and judged! Fear not, for I am here to guide you on your travels.’
Immediately, she crouched down, holding her cap over her blushing ears. ‘No, that’s way too dramatic. I’ll either sound like an idiot or I’ll actually scare them. I need to be calmer and more reassuring.’
Pacing the confines of the lift, she tried to think up a better speech.
But striding around as the lift moved made her dizzy, so she stopped.
She tried: ‘You’re in Purgatory, but don’t panic.
It’s actually very nice here. We have a fancy cafeteria – not that you need to eat – with a new coffee bar.
All the rooms have comfortable king-sized beds with silk sheets.
See my brand-new lift? It used to be so old that we had to pull a lever to make it move.
I love the upgrades. We even have a beautiful hotel cat who will let you pet her if you can answer her riddles.
Our receptionist, Damien, is very kind. There’s a library in Heather’s office, and Jaime can usually be persuaded to let people borrow her books.
Who’s Jaime? Oh, she’s a great kid who used to be stuck here for eternity, but we got that sorted out after a long journey where we all faced our sins and our pasts .
. . Aargh, I’m going off on a complete tangent. ’
That had been even worse than the first time.
She clutched her hair. ‘I sound like I’m trying to recruit people to stay in Purgatory forever.
We don’t have an unlimited number of rooms .
. . at least I think we don’t. I’d have to ask Heather.
We certainly don’t have an unlimited number of jobs.
We need people to pass on, ideally to Heaven.
I’d talk about how great Heaven is, except I don’t know much about it.
Hmm. My main purpose should be to help people take the next step on their eternal journey. Yes, let’s focus more on that.’
Striking a pose with her hands on her hips, Delilah said, ‘My condolences on your death. Dying can be scary and disrupting, but it also opens up an entirely new world of possibilities. At the Purgatory Hotel for Wayward Ghosts, we are here to help you every step of the way as you adjust to your afterlife.’
No, that hadn’t been right either.
Exhaling, she shook her head. ‘No, no, I sound like an amateur psychologist. “Death can be scary”? Of course death is scary! I’d have been annoyed if anyone spouted pop-psychology clichés at me right after I’d died.
It’s not the kind of moment when anyone appreciates mindless optimism.
People who are dead have a right to be unhappy about it.
They don’t want patronisation. They want information. Let’s try this again.’
She cleared her throat dramatically. ‘Your soul has found its way to Purgatory, or, to be more exact, the Purgatory Hotel for Wayward Ghosts. Here you will face a trial based on your greatest sin in life. Don’t worry – the tests aren’t too hard.
In fact, I’ve passed all of them! No, I can’t give you any hints, sorry.
Your test will be tailored to you individually anyway, so it won’t necessarily be the same as mine.
The trials used to be unfair. For example, would you believe that gambling was considered a sin?
Even making a few calculated bets based on skill for reasonable amounts of money you can afford to lose?
Truly incomprehensible. Fortunately, we have updated all the trials to be more modern and just after the recent incident where the hotel nearly collapsed.
Oh, no need to look scared – it wasn’t a big deal.
The damage was all repaired. New security measures were installed.
We even got back all the people who had been lost in Limbo.
Come inside. It’s perfectly safe now. Please don’t run away screaming. ’
‘No, no, NO!’ Delilah clutched her hair.
‘That was the worst attempt yet! New guests do not want to hear all about the regrettable near-collapse of the hotel. They are already reeling from their deaths. They don’t need even more stress and concern.
And Heather doesn’t need dozens of worried people storming her office demanding reassurances. Aargh, I’m bad at this.’
Maybe she was overthinking it. She didn’t need a big, fancy speech. She should stick to what Damien had first told her when she’d come to this hotel.
‘That’s right.’ Delilah smiled to herself. ‘If it’s not broken, then don’t fix it.’
She put up her hair in a neat ponytail, then adjusted her cap. In the glassy panel with the buttons, she caught a distorted look at her reflection. She smiled and winked at herself. ‘Looking good. I’m ready for showtime.’
With a lighthearted chime, the lift doors opened. The iron portcullis rose into the air. The landscape of Purgatory spread before her: dark, indeterminate ground covered by a heavy mist. Cold raised goosebumps down her arms, but she kept her chin high and a friendly smile on her face.
A portly gentleman wearing a tuxedo stood next to the portcullis. He stroked his long, white beard. ‘You there, girl.’ He snapped his fingers. ‘Which way is it to Heaven? I’m supposed to be in Heaven.’
At least he knew he was dead. That would make it easier.
Delilah extended her hand for a shake. ‘Welcome to the Purgatory Hotel for Wayward Ghosts. We are a temporary resting place for people facing a final test to determine if you head to Heaven or Hell. My name is Delilah, the lift attendant. Do you have any questions?’
He ignored her hand. ‘This is outrageous. I shouldn’t be in Purgatory.’
‘I know the feeling.’ She lowered her hand. ‘It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person—’
‘Of course I’m not a bad person!’ He reared back, affronted.
‘I’m a respectable good citizen, not like you with your hideous dyed hair.
’ He gave her a contemptuous look. ‘I tithed ten per cent to the church, and I’m sure that was more money than someone like you has ever even seen.
I deserve to be in Heaven! There must be some kind of mistake. ’
Her smile faltered. ‘I don’t believe that church donations were ever understood to be a method to buy your way into Heaven.
You won’t be tested based on how much money you made.
Money doesn’t matter here. Your test will reflect the life you lived.
Don’t worry, you get seven tries at your test, and we’ve recently updated our system to—’
‘Who’s worried?’ he shouted over her. ‘You should be the one worried. There’s been an outrageous mix-up. I don’t belong here. I plan to hold you personally responsible.’
What a guest to get on her first day. After she’d been so excited, she’d been hit over the head by the cold, hard reality that guests could be awful or annoying.
She took a deep breath and pushed away her anger.
After all, she’d been shocked too when she’d first ended up in Purgatory.
She reminded herself that she was meeting this man on what must be one of the worst days of his life – the day he died.
Then she summoned the last reserves of her patience.
Smiling again, Delilah said, ‘Please listen to me. I know you must be having a difficult time adjusting to your death and the surprise of where you ended up. I completely understand! I wasn’t expecting a hotel to be my way-stop after death, either.
When I first came here, I was confused and full of doubts too.
I wondered why I’d ended up here and if it meant I was a bad person.
But I’ve come to realise that I like who I am, and I’m glad I came to this hotel.
The staff here are all very kind, and we will help you reach your final destination.
Look on the bright side, you still exist after death and you have a chance to move on to a better place. ’
‘I don’t want to look on the bright side, you stupid little girl!’ He stomped his foot down. ‘I want to speak to your manager. Better yet, I want to speak to someone who’s actually important, not a mere servant.’
The very last of Delilah’s patience melted away into the mist surrounding them. With a close-mouthed smile, she said, ‘Understood. I’ll return at once with someone important.’
She stepped back into the lift and pressed the button to close the door.
But she didn’t select another floor. Instead, she reached into her purse and pulled out the golden circlet that Lucy had given her.
She took off her cap. Yanking out her scrunchie, she let her hair fall freely over her shoulders, purple on the top turning into red, then gold at the tips.
She fluffed out her hair. Then she placed the circlet on her head.
Delilah stepped out of the lift again. ‘I’m the Baroness of Hell. How may I help you?’
His mouth opened and closed like a fish. He pointed at her. ‘You’re still the same person!’
‘Very observant. I wasn’t sure if you could recognise the face of a mere servant,’ she said with a cool expression.
‘You . . . you look like an ordinary person . . . There are no horns or tail . . . You can’t possibly be a demon . . .’
‘I’m not! I used to be a human accountant in London.
Now I’m a ghost, just like you. I’ve never actually been to Hell.
I’m an absentee landlord, and I feel very ashamed about it, but not enough to want to visit Hell.
The vibes coming up the lift shaft are too terrifying.
Someone from down below sent me this incredibly creepy crystal as taxes.
’ She pulled out a dark-grey crystal with five sides and pointed tips.
When she shook it, a human-sounding wail came out.
‘I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this thing, and I’m scared to ask.
Apparently, taxes are the only thing even more certain than death. ’
He backed away, grabbing on to the portcullis as if he wanted to use it as a shield against her. His lower lip wobbled. He gazed with wide, rapidly blinking eyes. ‘Who are you?’
‘I’m the lift attendant. I’m the first and last face you’ll see at the Purgatory Hotel for Wayward Ghosts.
I’ve passed seven trials in Purgatory and got banned for eternity from one of them.
I defeated the Harbinger of Chaos in a high-stakes poker game.
I fought to save this hotel from destruction.
I’m the adopted daughter of the owner of this hotel and the funniest dad ever.
And I’m the Baroness of Hell. That makes me the highest-ranked person currently at this hotel. ’ Delilah smiled. ‘How may I help you?’
THE END