Ch. 41 – Jax
I don’t belong here. The thought repeated in Jax’s brain like a racket dribbling a tennis ball on a court. She sat tucked into the corner of Tess’s couch, clutching a full glass of wine, as the Crazy Cat Ladies chattered around her.
Why had she even come to this meeting? She didn’t own a cat anymore. Scratch that. She’d never actually owned a cat. She was an utter fraud. Jax nodded vacantly as Tess began her update. She tried to listen as the petite woman tucked her socked feet under her and breathlessly described learning the ropes at The Rose and Thorn.
Rico.
That would be the other thought permanently parked in her brain space. He’d blown up her phone yesterday. She hadn’t listened to his voicemails, but his texts had been full of questions and profuse apologies. That was the worst part. He wasn’t angry or dismissive. Only sad. Confused. He blamed himself.
Alanna gave her update now. Swinging her wineglass like a maestro, she crowed about the growing success of her PR business and how she’d deviously convinced her old assistant from LA to move to Yucca Hills .
Jax sipped from her wineglass and zoned out of the convo again. How could she explain to Rico that he’d done nothing wrong? That it was her. She was simply irreparably broken. Jax didn’t have the words or the strength for that. So, she hadn’t responded to his texts or his voicemails, her heart cracking a little more with each strident ping on her phone.
But evidently, Rico had finally figured out that she wasn’t worth the effort. The texts and voicemails had stopped by this morning. She’d spent the day in miserable silence.
He’d probably already moved on, as he should. Hell, he might already be eyeing up the ladies at his gym, or maybe reaching out to Zookeeper Susan to see if he could browse her commemorative plate collection.
Layla’s chipper voice broke through Jax’s pity party. She caught something about Layla agonizing over boutonniere arrangements and what color ribbon should go around her wedding bouquet. Apparently, it was time again for Layla’s Wedding Planning hour. Eyes were already beginning to glaze over. Alanna notably headed to the breakfast bar to refill her wineglass.
Tess nudged Jax. “Are you all right?” she whispered. “Haley mentioned you were, um, dealing with some digestive issues.”
“Soooo constipated,” Jax muttered. What did it matter?
“Do you need some laxatives?” Tess’s hazel eyes were heartbreakingly understanding.
“Who needs laxatives?” Everly asked on Tess’s other side.
“Shhhh!” Tess hissed at her.
“Four tiers is more than enough,” Alanna insisted as she returned to the circle of women and carefully sat on the floor with her full wineglass .
Next to her, Layla frowned. “But what if everyone wants two pieces of cake?”
“A six-tiered cake? Are you insane? How much is that gonna cost?” Alanna countered.
“IT’S MY MAGICAL DAY!!” Layla growled, transforming before everyone’s eyes into a hulking Bridezilla in a sparkly, butterfly headband.
The entire room went quiet. Layla looked around and giggled nervously. “We’re going with six layers on the cake,” she said, clapping her hands. “I’m trying to decide which cake topper to buy. I’ve saved eight different designs on Etsy. Here, I’ll put them in the chat and you can all rank them.”
Everly groaned. Tess’s smile looked strained. “Sure, Layla. Whatever you need.”
Jax took a hearty gulp of her wine. Didn’t taste it. The next 20 minutes of cake-topper discussion hell felt like a lifetime. Would anyone notice if she walked to the kitchen and skewered her eardrums with a butter knife?
Willow’s soft voice finally changed the direction of the conversation. Apparently, the group had managed to move back to the individual updates.
“I’m looking for apartments,” Willow said, a note of pride in her voice. She quickly looked down as a blanket of black hair cloaked her face.
Tess clapped around her wineglass. “Good for you, Willow! How’s it going?”
Shit. Jax had offered to invite Willow over to her own apartment to show her around and answer questions about renting. But in the mess of finals and Rico and the Haley-nado, she’d forgotten. Just one more reason she was an absolute fuck-up of a person. Willow deserved better than a friend like her anyway.
A few minutes later, Tess nudged her again. Jax looked up, surprised to find every set of eyes on her.
“What?” Had her self-misery manifested into a huge green wart jutting out from the middle of her forehead?
“You’re up,” Everly told her. “You’re the last one.”
Jax looked around in confusion. Had everyone already given their updates? She’d missed Everly’s entirely. She swallowed and scrabbled for something boring that would pass muster with the women.
“I finished my finals,” she managed. “Four As, one B in math.”
“Fuck math,” Alanna announced.
“And, um, Haley’s back. So . . .” Jax shrugged as her throat ached. “I guess I don’t really have a cat anymore. I probably shouldn’t even be at this meeting.”
The women’s voices rose up as a harmonized choir of outrage and offense.
Alanna: “Well, that’s a bunch of bullshit!”
Layla: “Oh, noooo, don’t say that, Jax!”
Tess: “Don’t be ridiculous, Jax.”
Everly: “Styles is still your cat in spirit.”
As their objections crested and died down, Willow spoke, her soft voice clear as a bell. “I don’t have a cat, either.” Her chocolate-brown eyes met Jax’s gaze, and she offered a shy smile. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“We’re all glad you’re here,” Everly confirmed, and the women nodded.
Tess turned to her on the couch and put a hand on Jax’s knee. “You’re always welcome, cat or not. You’re a member of the Crazy Cat Lady Club. ”
Jax sniffled and fought to keep her tears at bay. Why did these weird, wonderful, boisterous women have to be so damned nice? She’d never had friends like these. Friends who didn’t play games or switch from blue skies to hurricanes on a dime. She didn’t even know what to do with all the chaotic emotions in her heart.
“Thanks,” she managed.
Tess patted her knee.
“Did you ever talk to Rico?” Everly asked.
Jax snorted. “Yep.”
“And?”
She should have lied. Found some way to end the convo right there. But Jax hadn’t slept for two days. All her walls were cracked. Crumbled. Paper thin.
“Things were going good,” she told Everly. “Really good. Until I freaked out and ruined everything. So, that’s over.” She took another gulp of wine, finishing the glass.
“What happened?” Layla asked.
“What did that ass do?” Alanna followed.
“Nothing,” Jax answered. “Rico didn’t do anything. He was kind and gentle and amazing. It was me. I . . .” She wanted to drink more wine, drown in the red liquid, but her glass was empty. “Something happened a long time ago. And I can’t have sex anymore. Not like a normal person.”
No one spoke. She felt their eyes on her. The weight of their silent questions and concern.
Alanna rose to her feet and crossed to the kitchen. In a moment, she stood before Jax and tipped the wine bottle over her glass. “I’ll take you home tonight,” she said. Jax just nodded.
“Do you want to tell us about it?” Tess asked.
No .
And yes.
She’d only ever told one person about “The Incident.” Would the Crazy Cat Ladies dismiss her as Haley had? Routinely mock her for being too sensitive? Accuse her of blowing the whole thing out of proportion?
The women waited. Jax took a breath. She was fucking terrified. But she trusted them. These women had only ever shown her kindness and understanding. They were her friends.
“Haley and I were supposed to go to USDC together,” Jax began, her voice a trembling croak. “But Haley didn’t get in, so it was just me. The school was so big. There were so many people. I . . . I felt alone.” She ducked her head and sipped her wine. “I got in on a tennis scholarship. The other girls on the team were nice, but some of them really liked to party.” She laughed, and it was a strained sound. “You’d think athletes would take care of their bodies and go for moderation, but nope.” She twisted a silver ring on her thumb patterned with stars and the moon.
“A lot of girls on the team were part of this sports sorority, so I joined. We partied hard with the sports fraternity any weekend we didn’t have a match. It was crazy, but it was fun.” If Jax were being honest, it’d been exciting to finally emerge from Haley’s shadow. No one knew about her two moms and most of them wouldn’t have cared anyway. Several of the girls in her sorority were lesbians and no one batted an eye at it.
“Dating wasn’t really a thing in college,” she continued. “I hooked up with a couple of guys at parties. It was normal.” With the flush of alcohol running through her veins, she’d appreciated the stares of the men. She’d worn short skirts and tight midriff tops that showed off her boobs. They’d wanted her—not Haley—and it’d felt good.
Until it hadn’t .
Jax released a shaky breath. “One night I was at the frat house, and we played strip poker with drinking, of course. You lose a hand, you strip and take a drink.”
“Oh no,” Layla murmured, and Alanna shushed her.
It’d been hilarious at first. The girls had been coy, slipping out their earrings, tossing off their shoes, and teasing buttons down their blouses. Jax had been doing well at first, but after the fourth drink, the cards had started to blur in her hands. She’d lost track of the rules, and again and again, the guys were laughing, telling her she’d lost, and shoving mixed drinks at her.
“I got really wasted,” she admitted. “And I knew it was time to go home.”
The memories seemed to spring to the front of her brain as if they’d always been lingering just below the surface of her thoughts. She could still remember how her stomach had roiled. How she’d looked down and noticed her shoes, socks, and shirt were all gone. At the time, it’d seemed to be the most hilarious thing in the world.
“A guy named Andrew offered to drive me to the dorms,” Jax spoke quietly. “He was the captain of the tennis team. I’d always thought he was so hot. He’d slept with a few of the girls on the team, but he’d never seemed to notice me before. And then he was being really nice, helping me into his car.”
Jax closed her eyes. She didn’t remember the drive back to the dorms. She could, however, conjure vague memories of him carrying her up the stairs as she giggled. They’d made it to her dorm. Her roommate was gone.
“As soon as the door closed, he started kissing me,” she told the women. “I knew what he wanted, obviously, but I was tired. Feeling sick.”
Tess’s grip tightened on her leg .
Jax stared down at her knees through the ripped holes in her baggy jeans. Tess’s living room faded from her vision. She was back in that small, cramped dorm room. “I stood there. I just let him kiss me. I didn’t know what to do. Then I had to throw up. I ran out into the hall without my shirt on, went into the communal bathrooms, and vomited my liver out of my body.”
She’d faintly felt the hard floor pressing into her knees, her arms resting like cinderblocks on the cool porcelain of the toilet.
“When I was done, I staggered back to my room and collapsed into my bed. I thought that Andrew’d left. But he hadn’t.”
Jax closed her eyes. She could feel Andrew sliding into the small bed, spooning his body around hers. She remembered his hot breath on the back of her neck. His hand grabbing her breast.
Her voice seemed to come from far away as she continued. “He got into bed with me. I told him I was tired. He rolled me over to face him, tried to kiss me. I . . . I turned my head away.” Her breath had been rancid, her throat burning with bile. Her stomach still twisting like a hooked worm. She’d fought to stay conscious.
Oh, come on. I drove you home. Don’t I get a thank-you? he’d asked.
“He kept kissing me. I didn’t want him to, but then I just gave up,” Jax said to the women. “I just let it happen.”
And there it was. Even as his hand had tugged down her skirt, Jax hadn’t screamed. Hadn’t fought back. She’d been weak. So fucking weak.
Why had she given in? Jax had asked herself that question so many times. Every hour of every day. She’d been so drunk that night, her slurry thoughts barely able to recognize what was happening, too slow and clumsy to respond. She’d also felt the strength in Andrew as he’d gripped her shoulders and flipped her onto her back. The unspoken threat as he pushed her into the mattress. The look in his gray eyes had told her the decision was made. Those eyes had said something even her intoxicated brain could understand. Your body is mine.
Andrew had slathered his mouth down her body. During some parts of the ordeal, her vision had blurred and faded to black but other instances stood out in vibrant detail, like the staleness of his breath and the angry pimple under his chin. Let’s see those tits, he’d said. You’ve got the biggest ones on the team. No one can take their eyes off you when you rush the net. He’d shoved up her bra and pawed at her breasts as he rutted her like a mangy dog.
She’d dry heaved into the rose-dotted comforter she and Mom Clarissa had bought together just months before. Afterward, Andrew had sprawled, panting on her body for a minute before rolling off her.
“After he was done, he just left,” Jax spoke. That wasn’t exactly the truth, though.
I thought you’d be a better lay, he’d said as he’d tucked himself back into his jeans. The other guys said you were feisty. You’re on birth control, right?
Answer: No. So she’d dragged herself to the student health center the next day and requested Plan B.
“Oh my God,” Everly breathed.
Jax twisted her thumb ring around and around and around as if the movement could somehow spool all the ugly, dark memories from her brain.
“The men’s and women’s tennis teams had different coaches, but we played over the same season, so we practiced together,” she said. “I saw him every day of practice, and it . . . messed with my game.”
That was one way of putting it. With Andrew always in the corner of her eye, she suddenly couldn’t hit a serve to save her life. Her backhands spun out of control. Her forehands veered wildly out of bounds. She couldn’t even keep track of the score during matches and often lined up on the wrong side of the court.
Just knowing he was only a few courts away, she could feel his lips on her body, his hands running down her. Her nerves grew jagged. She couldn’t focus in her classes. Then she’d stopped going. All she wanted to do was stay in bed with the shades down, wrapped in the new blanket she’d bought after tossing her old one in the dumpster behind the dorms. She’d fed the dumpster her outfit from that night, then, in the days after, a growing number of tight tanks, short skirts, and revealing tees.
Her tennis coach had tried to sit her down for a heart-to-heart. She’d even suggested Jax reach out to the school’s counseling services. But Jax had known the truth. She was broken.
“I quit tennis,” she said. “Then I quit school. I moved back to Yucca Hills, and Haley let me crash with her.”
She’d be forever grateful that Haley had taken her in and even gotten her a job at The Rose and Thorn. It’d taken Jax two years before she was ready to go back to school, this time at the smaller SCC. But she hadn’t picked up her racket since.
Jax looked up. Somehow, during the telling of the incident, all the women had gathered around her. Tess and Everly pressed against her on the couch. Alanna and Layla sat at her feet. Willow stood at the arm of the couch. Even Spirit, Tess’s silver tabby, sat on her haunches just outside the group.
“And that’s it,” Jax said. “That’s why I can’t have sex anymore. At least not without freaking out.”
Slowly, carefully, Tess took Jax’s hand. “Jax, you were raped. You realize that, don’t you?”
That word. Hot tears boiled at the corners of her eyes. She’d refused to even think it. She couldn’t have been raped. That would mean she was a victim. A survivor. In spite of her struggles to keep them at bay, the tears slipped down her cheeks.
“I didn’t fight,” she whispered. “I didn’t say no.”
“You didn’t say yes,” Everly burst out.
“You were intoxicated,” Tess spoke gently. “You weren’t able to consent.”
“I’m going to murder that bastard,” Alanna growled. “Give me his full name. I’ll tear his dick off and run it up a flagpole.”
“And I’ll hold him down,” Everly added.
Jax let out a bubbly, snotty laugh. She had to slip her hand out of Tess’s grip to wipe the tears off her cheeks.
“Have you thought about contacting the police?” Tess asked.
She shook her head. “I just want to forget about it.”
“Forget about it? That fucker raped you!” Alanna squawked. “He needs to pay. He needs to be behind bars, like, now.”
“I bet we could find him on social media,” Everly said. “Figure out where he lives. Maybe slash his tires or set his car on fire.”
“Preferably with him in it,” Alanna added.
“Stop,” Layla said to the two women. “This isn’t about getting revenge. It’s about what Jax needs.” She rose up on her knees and faced Jax. “We’re here for you, Jax. If you need to talk, we’ll listen. If you want to pursue charges, we’re behind you. If you don’t, we’ll respect that decision, too.”
Part of Jax wanted to move on with her life and never think about the incident again. But the incident wouldn’t release its grasp on her.
“I just . . . I just want to thank you for all listening,” she managed.
“Of course.” Tess embraced her. “Of course,” she repeated as if it were obvious.
But it wasn’t obvious. Hadn’t Haley scoffed at Jax? Told her that blackout sex was just “boys being boys” ?
“You should be honest with Rico,” Willow said, her soft voice floating from the back of the group.
“What if he thinks I’m weak or doesn’t believe me?” Jax’s worries finally found voice. “Or what if he does believe me but thinks I’m not worth the trouble?”
“If he’s worthy of you, he’ll understand,” Willow insisted, her words heart-achingly sincere.
Tess took her hands, forced Jax to meet her gaze. “You are not weak, Jax. Andrew took advantage of you. You did nothing wrong. Do you understand? Nothing.”
The dam broke. Tears, fat and hot, tumbled down Jax’s cheeks. Tess’s arms wrapped around her. Then another pair of arms embraced her. Then another, and another. Soon, the couch groaned under the weight of the women.
Jax sobbed, and something inside her chest surrendered. She suddenly felt lighter than she ever had over the past three brutal years. It was as if, finally, she could share the weight of her inner darkness.