Chapter 34
Why the hell did I come?
Olivia’s hand is wrapped around mine as we navigate through the crowded stands. She showed up at my dorm two hours ago, and after I told her everything, she wouldn’t let me stay there and wallow in my own misery.
“Zach needs you,” she’d said. “You need Zach. Whether you like to admit it or not. You don’t have to stay for the entire game but at least see everyone. Then we can come back here and eat all the ice cream you want.”
She’s right. I haven’t spoken or texted Zach since I rejected his proposal and I need to face him eventually. It’s not like I want to break up with him. Or do I? I don’t know anymore. I just know that he’s in a drastically different place than I am.
“See. It’s not so bad,” Olivia says, squeezing my hand as she leads me through the stadium. She’s right. With my head down and my hair covering my face like a lousy curtain, it’s a lot easier to walk around without getting recognized.
The crowd yells at a play on the field. I don’t look up, in fear that I’ll get recognized.
“Has she been crying?”
“I can’t believe she’s here. After last night?”
“Oh, this is embarrassing. Does she know?”
Are those comments in my head or did they actually say them?
Not that it would matter either way. It all feels the same.
“Ignore them,” Olivia says quietly, squeezing my hand tighter. “They don’t matter.”
Guess they aren’t in my head then.
“There they are,” Olivia says, pointing up ahead.
When I spot Tiff, Mike, and Ella, I freeze and take a deep breath. They're sitting in the same seats I sat in with Jenni and Chris.
“What a pathetic loser.”
“She’s been bringing him down ever since he got here.”
“Glad he finally realized he needed to drop her.”
Those are definitely in my head, because there’s no one talking around me. They’re all too busy watching the field goal.
“Hey.” Olivia stops, turning to face me. “You're doing great. We're almost there, and then you can sit down and just breathe. Okay?”
I nod, not trusting my voice.
“Honey!” Ella shouts when she sees me, waving a giant blue foam finger at me. I smile, feeling a little bit of the weight on my shoulders shifting.
This is why I’m here. To see them. To see the two people I could actually help in this world and make a difference for.
No longer do they have to worry about Jonathan or Jamie Nicks coming after Ella. She’s safe here, and that’s because of me.
Ella’s life is going to be so much better now. She’s going to have her own room, Tiff is going to be able to start a new life, and it was only made possible through hearing a few shitty—albeit truthful—things about myself.
I wave to Ella as Olivia and I fight our way up the steps and into their row. Tiff stands before we even reach them.
“You came,” she says with a bright smile and a little surprise. I hate that. I hate that Zach’s clearly had to tell her there’s something going on between us, because I have no idea what he’s said.
Does she know about the proposal? Does she know about Jenni? About how much I hate the internship?
I swallow, unsure of what to say, so I settle for the only thing that sounds sensible. “I wouldn’t miss this for anything.”
She flings her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. I melt into it, feeling a little more steady on my feet with her support.
She pats my back and then squeezes my hand as she pulls away. “Honey. I’m so glad we could see you.” Her eyes glisten as she takes me in. “Thank you. Really. You’re the only reason I’m even here today.” Her voice cracks and seeing how grateful she is makes the last two days feel worth it.
“I’m just glad you’re here.” I give her the best smile I can muster.
“Honey!” Mike steps forward and pulls me into a hug. “It’s great to see you,” he says quietly. “Liv’s missed you, and I suppose I have to.”
A gentle smile tugs at my lips as I nod against his shoulder, grateful that he isn’t treating me with kid gloves.
“Missed you too, Mike.”
“Honey,” Ella whines, tugging on my jeans, so I pick her up and rest her on my hip.
“Hey, peanut,” I say, kissing her cheek and brushing her blonde curls out of her face. “I’ve missed you.”
“Ahem,” someone clears their throat behind us, and I recognize her as one of the girls from my dorm. “This reunion is cute and all, but I didn’t pay a hundred bucks to watch it. Could you please sit down.”
“Relax,” Olivia says sharply before I can apologize. “We're sitting.”
Taking a breath, I mumble out a small apology anyway and sink into my seat between Olivia and Tiff, placing Ella on my lap.
“Zach will be happy to see you,” Tiff says as she leans into me.
Will he?
After I’ve been ignoring him and said no to his proposal?
For a split second I wanted to say yes, and pretend that I could just ignore all the thoughts running through my head, but the noise didn’t stop.
I don’t know what I am, who I can trust, or why I’m even at this college in the first place. I’m fulfilling a legacy that I never wanted.
I’m lost, which sounds ridiculous, because how can you lose yourself when you’ve never been found?
I swallow down the shame and say, “He won’t see much with me up here.”
“I’m sure he’ll be looking for you,” Tiff says as her hand drops to my knee, and she gives it a squeeze.
I nod, embarrassed, grateful, and desperately tired. “Yeah.” It’s barely audible and probably a little more broken than I’d like to admit.
“There’s Uncle Zach!” Ella points toward the field where he's jogging back from the huddle.
His gaze combs through the crowd until his eyes land on mine. The second they do, his face goes soft, and he gives me a small wave before lifting his hands into a heart.
He still loves you.
“Told you,” Tiff says, elbowing me in the ribs.
I barely register the first quarter passing. I’m too focused on Ella, but the scoreboard shows St. Michael’s is up 21–6 at the end of it.
“He waved,” Ella whispers, her foam finger forgotten in her lap as she watches him throw a perfect spiral down the sideline. The crowd are chanting his name as they get ready for the second quarter, and I can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen to him next year.
He’ll be eligible for the draft next year, and I know he’s going to go. He’ll get drafted early, there’s no doubt about that, which means he’ll be doing this in front of even bigger crowds, making even more money than now as he finally lives the dream he’s worked his entire life toward.
And I'll be—what? Still trying to figure out who I am when I'm not in his shadow? Or in my father’s shadow? Hell, even Jamie’s shadow?
I still haven’t figured out who I am, or what I want.
I get lost in my thoughts for so long, the second quarter of the game completely fades and by the time I look up to see the football players jogging off the field, I realize it’s halftime.
“You okay?” Olivia asks, studying my face.
“Yeah. Just... thinking.”
“About?”
“Everything. Nothing.” I shake my head. “I don't know.”
The crowd starts to move, but Ella and Tiff stay in place, talking to a mother and daughter who are sitting in front of us.
I keep my focus on the cheerleaders in the center of the field while the marching band plays the St. Michael’s fight song. No one’s bothering me. I can’t hear the whispers, and for a second, I feel completely and utterly calm. Emotionless, even.
Is normal supposed to feel this numb?
My phone buzzes just as the players re-enter the field, and I check it, pathetically hoping Zach sent me a message before he left. Not sure why he would, considering I haven’t responded to any of his.
Jenni: Since you didn't believe me this morning, maybe you'll believe this. [link]
Olivia notices me tense. “What is it?”
“Nothing. Just—” But my thumb is already tapping the link before I can stop myself.
It opens an app and loads a video.
My heart rate increases, memories of the last time a video like this was sent to me come rushing back. When I found out Jamie cheated on me.
As the video loads, I start to feel nauseous.
Jenni’s in a bed wearing—wait, is that my night shirt? She lifts her arm, revealing more of the top. It definitely looks like mine, and those sheets—that’s Zachs room. I recognize the nightstand and window behind her.
Her smile widens on the screen as she toys with her messy hair.
I read the caption.
“Sometimes the right person shows up when you need them most,” she says to the camera with a soft smile. “Thank you for helping me get through tonight. ??”
The timestamp shows last night. 11:47 PM.
My hands start shaking.
How did she get in there? She was home before 7 AM this morning. What the hell is going on?
I scroll down to the comments before I can stop myself.
@beccaaa_12: Honey who? ??
@zachsgirl91: She’s supposed to be your bestie. This is MESSY
@footballfanatic: upgrade tbh
@sarah_jones_: Poor Honey probably still thinks they're together ??
@stmikes2027: He deserves someone who doesn't cry at every game
@jennaloveszach: Jenni > Honey any day of the week
There are hundreds more. All of them laughing at me. All of them confirming what I already know. That I’m a failure at every single part of my life.
“Honey, what—” Olivia leans over to see my screen and her face hardens immediately. “Oh, fuck no. Give me your phone.”
“She was at Zach’s,” I whisper. “Last night. She was in his bed while I was crying in mine.”
“Honey, listen to me.” Olivia grabs my wrist, forcing me to look at her. “She's lying. You know she's lying. You saw it for yourself.”
“But how did she get in his house?” My voice breaks. “How did she get in if he didn't—”
“She broke in. She stole a key. I don't know, but Zach didn't let her in. You know he didn't.”
“Everyone's laughing at me.” My voice sounds hollow. “Look at the comments. They all think—”
“They're idiots on the internet who don't know anything,” Olivia says fiercely. “Don't give them power over you.”
But I can't think straight. Everything that’s happened over the last two days comes back to the forefront.
Useless. Pathetic. Failure. No.
A sound cuts through my spiraling thoughts. Not cheering this time.
Booing.
Loud, vicious booing echoing through the entire stadium.
“BOOOOOO!”
“GET OFF THE SCREEN!”
“NOBODY WANTS TO SEE HER!”
I look up, confused, and that's when I see it. My face, blown up to enormous proportions on the jumbotron. The camera has somehow found me in the crowd, and now seventy thousand people are looking at me.
And they're booing… me.
The noise is deafening, crushing.
My heart is racing. I feel dizzy.
How much more can I take before I fall and crack completely? My father thinks I'm a failure, and he’s right. I can’t even make a friend without it turning into something about Zach. I don’t deserve him. I don’t belong here.
It’s all too much.
“Ignore the assholes. They’re all just jealous,” Olivia says, pulling me into her side as Mike moves to stand in front of me, using his body as a shield from the camera. When I look up at him, he’s smiling.
“Evans is going to have to thank me for showing his jersey on the jumbotron. It’s giving him more exposure,” he jokes, but it doesn’t land with me.
I can’t breathe. I can’t feel. I can’t—
I'm already handing Ella over to Tiff before I scramble to my feet.
“Where are you going?” Ella asks, her voice small and confused.
“Honey, no—” Olivia stands with me, blocking my path. “Don't go. Please. Don't give them the satisfaction.”
“I have to—” I can't finish the sentence. I can't explain that I'm breaking apart right here in front of everyone.
“Then I'm coming with you,” Olivia says firmly.
“We both are,” Mike adds, already moving toward me.
“No.” The word comes out harsh. “I need—I just need to go. Alone.”
“Honey, please, don't do this.” Olivia's eyes are desperate now. “Just sit down. We'll leave in five minutes. I promise, but don't run while they're watching.”
The booing continues in our section even though the camera has moved away from me. The girl who told me to sit down earlier smirks as I stumble past her.
“Running away again?” she says loud enough for half the section to hear.
Mike turns on her immediately. “Say one more word—”
“Fuck off,” Olivia snaps at her at the same time.
But I'm already pushing past people, already running.
“Honey!” Olivia's voice chases me.
“I'll go after her,” I hear Mike say behind me.
“No, stay with Tiff and Ella,” Olivia responds. “I've got her.”
But I don't stop. I can't stop.
I need air. I need space. I need to disappear before I completely fall apart in front of everyone.
I run through the stadium, past the concession stands and merchandise booths, past the tailgaters still celebrating in the parking lot, past everything that reminds me of Zach and the life I thought I could handle.
The sound of the crowd cheering for another St. Michael's touchdown follows me all the way through the parking lot, but I don't register it. Not really.
I run until I'm far, far away from the stadium and sitting on a bench alone on campus. With no one around, I pull my legs into my chest and tuck my face into myself before I break entirely.
My breath hitches and the next thing I know, I'm heaving—big, ugly sobs tear out of me, and for a second the only thing I hear is the rhythm of my own crying. When the first sob slows into hiccups, relief comes so sharp I can taste it.
I press my palms into my eyes, wiping away the tears and mascara, but I don't check how I look. I don't care anymore. I let myself look as wrecked as I feel because acting like I had it together is what got me here in the first place.
I don't know what I want. Not really. All I know is the pattern I've been repeating with my father, with Jamie, with Zach, always loops back here every single time.
Every time another little piece of myself gets chipped away and I've become nothing except the shell of other people's expectations for me.
I can't keep doing the same thing and hoping things will be different.
I need a change. I need a break from the limelight I didn't ask for, from a family who don't really care, from being defined as my father's daughter…and Zach's girlfriend.
I need to find myself before I get lost in another shadow.
Standing, I head toward the dorms. One foot in front of the other.
Let the crowd boo—it doesn't matter.
I'm not looking back.
TO BE CONTINUED…