Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
Sophia
This feels like déjà vu. It might not be the supermarket, but I’m out shopping for food, and he’s here, and it all feels orchestrated somehow.
I can already feel my pulse quicken just from the sight of him. God he looks good. I don’t know what he’s been doing since I saw him last, but it’s working. He’s ripped. Like ripped ripped.
The guy must not have even got a whiff of sugar in months.
I consider turning around and leaving, but avoidance won’t get me anywhere, I’m learning that. Sometimes the only way to deal with something is to face it head on .
Talking to Bryson isn’t anywhere near as frightening as talking to Josh is going to be in only a few short months. I need all the practice being brave that I can get, even if I’m mostly faking it.
He’s looking at the vegetables, and I walk slowly towards him while I wait for him to finish making his choices and pay.
“That’s a good-looking broccoli.”
Jesus Christ. A good-looking broccoli?
Am I having some kind of stroke? I can’t believe that’s the best I could come up with. It’s no wonder I’m still single, that was pathetic even by my standards, and those standards are barely skimming the ground.
He turns around, probably in shock at the level of chat that just came out of me, but when his eyes meet mine, they light up as though I didn’t just deliver the cringiest opening line of all time.
“ Sophia .” The way his deep voice caresses my name so softly sends shivers up and down my spine. It’s like he’s surprised to see me, and has been waiting for me, all rolled into one.
No one does it quite like him. He makes me feel like it’s a name made only for me, and not just one of the top ten names of the year I was born. Clearly my mother wasn’t feeling overly creative.
“Bryson.” I say his name the same way he said mine. I can’t be trusted to think of words of my own.
He straightens up to his full height, the bag of fresh vegetables in his hand. “I was hoping I’d run into you.”
Butterflies go crazy in my stomach. I probably should have questions; how he knew I’d be here would be a good place to start, but I don’t care. When he’s standing there, looking like that, and looking at me the way he is, it’s hard to care about much.
“Must be your lucky day,” I reply.
He smiles, and it’s got the hint of a smirk to it. I’ve never seen it before, it looks sexy on him. “Must be. A good-looking broccoli and I get to see you.”
I feel myself blush. Straight-up embarrassing behaviour. I need to get it together.
He glances behind me and when I turn I see people waiting to get by. He reaches out for my elbow and guides me out of the small gazebo and into a clear patch of footpath.
“You look really good,” he tells me. As awkward as I usually feel accepting compliments, I don’t mind as much when it comes from him. It’s obvious how authentic he is.
“You look…” I exhale heavily as my gaze skims his broad chest. “Like, wow. You look incredible.”
I don’t know this side of him, the one practically glowing with the compliment. He’s different somehow. Still the same, but like every little bit of him has changed just slightly for the better.
He’s breathtakingly gorgeous .
“You must be playing rugby still?”
He nods, his eyes never leaving mine. “Yeah, I renewed my contract with the regional team.”
“That’s amazing. Congratulations.”
He shrugs. “It’s nothing like what Cullen and some of the other guys are doing, but I’ve never really cared much about what everyone else is doing.”
I know that’s the truth.
He’s always been different.
“Are you still studying?”
When I stayed with him, he was studying towards becoming an engineer.
“Still going, I’ve got about a year left.”
It sounds like he’s got it all going for him at the moment. I’m proud he’s out here making incredible things out of himself, but there’s something about it all that makes me sad. I wish I’d been in his life to see it.
I swear he notices the change in my train of thought. He searches my expression for an answer I doubt he’ll find.
“What have you been doing since I saw you last?” he asks.
I consider a generic response, the kind of one that lets people feel comfortable. But there’s something in his eyes that makes me want to be completely honest. I think he deserves that for saving me the way he did .
“I’ve been surviving.”
His gaze has never once left my face, but he manages to look even deeper – I feel like he can see right inside of me.
I don’t know what I expect him to say in response to that, but what comes next isn’t it.
“You know, I hoped every single day for exactly that.”
I nod. It might be hard to hear, but I can imagine it’s true. He saw me at my worst. Even though he didn’t want me in that way, I’ve chosen to believe that he at least wanted me to be okay. He wouldn’t have come to my rescue if he didn’t care at all.
“Where’s Aria?” he asks, glancing down to double-check there’s not a toddler at my ankles.
“Oh I left her with my dad, they were building a bird house or feeder or something and I didn’t want to interrupt.”
He smiles at that. The same way I smiled when I came across the two of them doing it. “Cute. I bet she’s gotten so big.”
“Yeah.” I rub my hand up and down my arm. “She’s obsessed with birds at the moment.”
Even though he’s never reached out to ask how either of us have been doing, I think he really does have a soft spot for my daughter. Most people who meet her, do. She’s very easy to love – something she didn’t inherit from me .
“Have you got time to walk with me?” He tips his head in the direction of the small reserve park just down the street. He asks it with such casual confidence, like he already knows I’ll agree.
As nervous as it makes me, I do have the time, so I’ve got no reason to say no. The scaredy-cat part of my brain wants to tell him I need to get home, to avoid whatever it is that happens next, but my heart… my heart would follow this man anywhere.
I nod. “Okay.”
He reaches down and takes the bags from my hand to carry them for me and presses his free hand to the small of my back to guide me forward.
The minute he’s touching me, he’s silent – more like the Bryson I expected.
He’s a conflicting presence. He’s quiet, kind of broody and dark, but he’s so soft and sweet on the inside. A man of very few words, but the ones he does say are almost always the right ones. He’s gentle, but commanding. It’s a lot to take in.
We head farther down the street and into the quiet, almost empty park.
It’s beautiful in here, garden bed after garden bed, filled with splashes of colour. I can smell them too, it’s so pretty. I never take the time to stop and admire things like this anymore.
I glance over at Bryson and he’s watching me closely, his expression thoughtful like he’s got something he wants to say. Judging by the look in his eyes, I have a feeling I’m about to hear something important.
I don’t know how to act when he looks at me. It’s so intense, I feel like I’m under a microscope. It makes me feel vulnerable. He seems to have the ability to see more than I’m prepared to be seen.
I keep slowly walking forward. I’m not brave enough to stand still. He sticks with me, walking alongside me.
“I have something I’ve wanted to ask you for a really, really long time.”
I dart my eyes around nervously. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He reaches out for my arm and pulls me to a stop. My body turns towards his, so we’re facing each other.
He sits my bags down on the ground next to our feet and takes both my hands in his as he straightens up.
He’s so much taller than I am, and his hands feel huge holding mine. I hope my palms aren’t sweaty, but they’re bound to be. I can’t remember him ever holding my hands before.
“What is it?” I whisper. I can’t take it any longer, the silence he’s so comfortable in.
His gaze traces over every inch of my face.
“Will you go out with me, Sophia? On a real date.”
A real date.
My heart beat is so catastrophically loud, it’s awkward. I’ll be mortified if he hears it. Being asked out on a date shouldn’t send my nervous system into orbit. I’m nearly twenty-one years old. It’s straight-up embarrassing.
I haven’t been asked on many dates in my life. Especially if you don’t count the slightly senile older gentleman at the library who asks me to marry him on a weekly basis. But I don’t think just being asked is what has whipped my insides into a frenzy here. It’s him . He’s always managed to get me to react in a way that no one else can.
“ You want to take me on a date?” I squeak.
The hint of a smile toys with the corners of his mouth. “Yes, Sophia. I want to take you on a date.”
“ Why ?” I breathe the thought aloud.
He squeezes my hands. “Only you would ask me such a ridiculous question.”
I don’t have an answer for that, so he carries on, answering it for me anyway.
“Because you’re smart, and strong, and funny. Because you’re beautiful and sexy, and because you’re the only woman I can ever see myself sharing my life with. Are those good enough reasons for you, Sophia?”
I must be dreaming.
This has got to be one of those Bryson dreams I have where he confesses his undying love for me, and then right before he kisses me, I wake up.
I close my eyes tight, squeezing my lids shut for a few seconds before opening them again .
He’s still here.
I’m not waking up.
I try it again.
“Are you okay? Have you got something in your eye?”
An embarrassed laugh escapes me. I must look like an idiot. Slow-blinking away like some kind of sloth. He’s probably going to ask me if I sustained a head injury in the past year if I keep this up.
I glance down at my shoes. This can’t be a dream. Dream me wouldn’t be caught dead in these old beat-up Vans. Dream me always looks like the kind of woman who deserves all of the compliments that Bryson gives her.
So that means…
“You really want to take me out?” I ask as I look up at his gorgeous blue eyes.
“To the point where I’d probably resort to turning up to your house with a boom box on the front lawn.”
“Don’t go getting all nineties rom-com on me.”
“I’m not prepared to promise I won’t. Keep that in mind when you give me your answer.”
It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. My god, I do . This is the moment I’ve fantasised about since I was a pre-teen. I’ve been drooling over this guy since before I even really had hormones.
I never thought I’d get him.
I don’t know what to say. If he thought life was too complicated before, then chances are, it’s bound to be too complicated now. Nothing much has changed, but everything has changed.
I know I’m not the same girl now as I was then.
Josh isn’t here anymore, but he’ll be back. Far sooner than what I’d like him to be.
I don’t know what he’s like now – if his time behind bars has straightened him out or dragged him further down, and I’m scared to find out. Josh wasn’t great to me, not by any means, but he also could have been a lot worse. He has the potential to become a lot more damaging.
That’s not a burden someone should take lightly.
I think about what my therapist has been talking about; how I need to live my life for me , and not with the dark cloud of Josh’s ‘what ifs’ hanging over my head. He’s the unknown, but he should also be the unimportant. He’s nothing to me anymore, other than being my daughter’s biological father, but he has nothing over me anymore.
That time in my life has ended and maybe, just maybe it’s time for a new one to begin. But I need to know that Bryson knows what he’s in for. I’m not some carefree date who can do whatever she wants. I have responsibilities. I have a little human who relies on me for life.
If he understands that, and can accept it, then it’ll be the easiest answer I’ve ever given.
“I need you to understand a few things before I give you an answer. ”
He nods. “Go on.”
“Things that you’re going to have to be okay with if we’re going to do anything even remotely like dating.”
He, once again, looks totally unfazed.
“Josh is probably getting out in another six months. I’ve heard from my lawyer that he’s already trying to get visitation with Aria when that happens.”
“I don’t care.”
“He won’t like you being in my life.”
“I don’t care.”
“I still live at home with my parents.”
“I. Don’t. Care.” He clearly annunciates every word to drive home his point.
“Bryson you say that now, but my life is still a mess. I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess, you’re far from it. But I don’t care about any of that, I just want our chance, Sophia.” He squeezes my hands again. “It’s finally the right time.”
“Our chance?”
He nods and dips his head so he can look me right in the eyes. “The chance we’ve managed to miss since we were in school.”
My god, this man. I don’t think I could ever deserve a man who says things like this.
“We’re not in school anymore, Bryson, everything is so much more complicated now,” I whisper.
“Don’t make me beg, because I’ll do it. ”
The corner of my mouth turns up into a grin that I try to fight off. I don’t want him to beg, but something about knowing that he would is powerful. I feel stronger than I did when we walked through the gates to this garden.
“What about Aria?”
“What about her?” He asks in a way that makes me feel ridiculous for even questioning it in the first place.
“Her and I, we’re a package deal. I have a daughter and she’s always going to come first.”
He grins at me for a long time like it pleases him to hear that. “I’m okay with coming second. Two has always been my favourite number anyway,” he finally says.
“She’s a toddler, she’s kind of full on.”
“I crave chaos,” he replies dryly.
I bite back a laugh at his dry humour. “You do not . You’re the most composed man I’ve ever met.” I lightly smack his chest. “You repel chaos.”
“Maybe it’s time I lived a little then.”
I can think of a thousand other ways he could live a little, or a lot, none of which he’ll do if he ends up getting together with a single mother. He could travel, work overseas, play rugby anywhere he wanted. He could party and go to crazy festivals.
That’s not my life.
But maybe, just maybe, it’s not his life either.
Maybe what he really wants is right here in front of him where it’s always been .
I realise then that I need to tell him how much it killed me when he shot me down. I might pretend to be over it, but I’m not. It’s just a sadness that has been made small enough to live in the back corner of my mind.
I fear that if I don’t bring it up now, then one day it’ll turn into something I can’t tuck away and forget about.
“It hurt me when you rejected me.” I’m suddenly very interested in my shoes again.
He runs his finger down the side of my face and lifts my chin back up.
“I know it did, and I’m sorry.”
It’s so refreshing to hear him own up and apologise. I may not have much dating experience but I have friends who do, and it’s all gaslighting and denial. Bryson isn’t like that.
He carries on. “You weren’t ready for me then – for us – I couldn’t risk it. It wasn’t the right time and it might not have worked out, and then all of this … it would have been for nothing. But I’m a patient man, I knew I could wait, if it meant that I might get to keep you forever in the end.”
So many words. Every single one of them is trying to take my breath away.
“Are you asking me on a first date, or to marry you?” I blush. “Because this is all coming on very strong.”
He looks completely undeterred. “Somewhere in the middle for now... Let’s start with the date. But it won’t be just a first date, Soph, we’ve been doing this dance for years. I’ve dreamed about kissing you again since that night at my party. Fuck, I’ve dreamed about nothing other than you for as long as I can remember.”
Um. Wow.
“So yeah , this is technically a first date, but I don’t want you to make the mistake of thinking that’s all it will be.”
Well hell .
I never thought I’d be the girl who had a guy saying things like that to her. Not these things. Not this guy.
I can’t argue with any of it. Now’s not the time for insecurities, or for denial. Now is the time for finally taking what I want.
“I don’t want you to dream about kissing me,” I tell him.
He frowns, a crease appearing between his brows. “Why not?”
Be brave.
“I’d rather you actually do it.”
A slow grin spreads as the realisation sinks in. “Don’t dream it, just do it you reckon?”
I nod. “I should work for an inspirational sports brand or something.”
That’s probably the most forward I’ve ever been in my life, other than the time I tried and failed to kiss him. A tiny bit of doubt creeps in.
“You don’t have to –”
He cuts me off by wrapping one of his arms around my body and dragging my face to meet his. I don’t have any time to think before his lips are on mine.
This time it’s not just a dream.