Chapter Six #3
The taste is strong. Bitter and salty and thick. It coats my tongue and the back of my throat. I can still feel it even after I swallow. I don't know why I did it without him saying anything. I just did.
When he lets go of my hair I pull back slowly. My mouth tastes like him. There's cum on my chin and lips. My eyes are wet. The cage is still tight between my legs and I'm still leaking into it. I feel strange. Used. Quiet. I don't know what to do with any of it.
He doesn't say anything right away. He looks down at me a second longer than he needs to, at my mouth, at the way I swallowed without being told, and something moves behind his face that he doesn't let out. It's there and then he puts it away, and he's calm again, like this was nothing unusual.
"There," he says, and it's warm, it's the picked-you look from eight years ago. "That wasn't the end of the world, was it."
"No," I say. My voice is wrecked. "I guess not."
"You did good." He reaches over, gets me a tissue like it's nothing, the same as the first night.
"And listen. In case your head's about to start in on you.
" He tips my chin up so I'm looking at him.
"None of that counts against you. You know that, right.
Your cock never even came out of its cage.
It's still yours. You didn't lose anything today.
You're still saving that for whoever it's for.
" He says it gently, like a comfort, like a gift.
"You just learned something. That's all that happened. "
And I take it, because I want to take it, because it's late and he's kind and I need it to be true.
Nothing counts. Still mine. Still saving it.
I did the most humiliating thing of my life and somehow I've come out the other side more intact than when I went in, still holding the one thing that matters, just less afraid of the rest of it.
I don't look at that too hard. If I looked, I'd find the place it doesn't add up, and I don't want to do the math tonight.
* * *
The plug comes a few days later.
It's a weeknight. Graham unlocks me like usual. He gives me a minute, then he goes and gets a small box from his room. He comes back and opens it on the coffee table. Inside is a plug. Small. Black. Smooth. It doesn't look like much.
I stare at it.
"No," I say. "That's not— I'm not doing that."
He doesn't argue. He just sits there with the box open between us.
"It's smaller than what you had in your mouth the other night," he says after a while. "A lot smaller. And it's the same reason. You're always trying to stay in control. This makes you stop. You can't control this. You just have to take it."
I don't say anything for a long time.
He waits.
Eventually I lie down on the couch on my side. I don't say yes. I just stop fighting it.
He pulls my pants and underwear down. The room feels cold. He puts lube on his fingers and rubs it between my cheeks. It's cold and wet. Then he puts more on the plug.
"Try to relax," he says. His voice is calm. "Breathe out when I push."
The tip of it is smooth and slippery against me. He starts to push. At first it just feels like pressure. Then it starts to open me up. It burns. I make a sound and tense up.
"Easy," he says. "Don't fight it. Bear down a little."
I try. The plug moves in a bit more. The stretch gets sharper. It hurts in a way I've never felt before. I grip the edge of the couch.
"Almost there," he says quietly.
Then the widest part goes in all at once. There's a second where it feels too big, too much, and then it suddenly seats inside me. The narrow part at the end keeps it from slipping back out. It's all the way in.
I stay very still.
It's not huge, but it's there, a hard, solid pressure deep inside me that doesn't go away. It's there with every breath. Every time I move, even a little, it shifts.
Graham wipes his hands off and sits back on the other end of the couch like nothing happened.
"There," he says. "It's in. You don't have to do anything with it. Just let it be there."
I lie on my side with a plug in my ass and the cage locked on my dick, and I don't know what to do with myself. My face is hot. My breathing is off. I feel full in a way that makes it hard to think straight. And Graham is just sitting there reading like this is normal.
I don't say anything. I just lie there and try to get used to it.
"You'll keep it in for a while," he says after a minute. He drops the key back in the dish with the others. "Get used to the feeling. I'll take it out before bed."
I nod. My throat feels tight. I don't trust my voice.
* * *
He goes to read. I stay on the couch a long time after, on my side, not moving much.
The plug is still inside me, there with every breath.
It's not big, but it's there, a steady pressure that doesn't go away.
My jaw still hurts from earlier. My lips feel sore.
There's still a taste in my mouth I can't get rid of.
The cage is locked tight between my legs.
I haven't been hard in weeks, but right now it feels like my body is trying anyway.
Everything is stuck. Everything is full or locked or used.
I should be freaking out.
I had a man's cock in my mouth tonight. I swallowed when he came.
There's a plug in my ass right now. My dick is locked in a pink cage I can't take off.
And Graham put all of it there. A week ago I would have said I would never do any of this.
Now I'm lying here with it all still happening to me, and I'm not losing my mind.
I'm not floating up to the ceiling like I usually do.
I feel used. I feel quiet. I feel strangely okay.
My body is sore in places it has never been sore before, and underneath all of it there's this low, steady feeling that I don't hate any of it.
I thought I would. I was sure I would. But I don't. That's the part I can't tell anyone.
Not Claire. Not Dev. Not even myself out loud.
Somewhere down the hall Graham turns a page.
I lie there in the dark with the plug inside me and the cage locked on and my mouth still tasting like him, and I don't know what any of this makes me.
I don't know what I'm turning into. I don't want to look at it too hard.
I keep waiting for the alarm and it doesn't come.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm not scared of what's coming next.
I just don't ask what it is anymore.