Chapter 20
I’m not even doing anything yet, but even just touching, my body wants more.
So does the rest of me.
But this also answers some questions but raises others.
“How does mating work, actually?” I ask. “Like I’ve been deepening the bond with my choices, but is that all there is to it?”
“No,” Zan says dryly. “I’m not translating the word as mating on accident.”
“Delighted to hear it,” I reply cheerfully, and Zan chokes out a laugh underneath me. Ha! Got him. “So is there a ritual to it, or a— Oh, hang on. Do you have to be in dragon form?”
“Given that I can feel the potential to bond with you, it must not be required,” Zan says, “but traditionally, yes, there’s a whole mating dance involved. Even if you learned to fly, I’m not sure we could do it. My size in dragon form is... larger.”
“I know your size is— Oh. Yes, that makes sense.” I glance down, trying to imagine how big a dragon cock would be, even as he swells a little more beneath me. “I’ve never seen a dragon penis? Where do you keep it?”
“Hidden,” Zan says in a slightly strained voice. “I can bring it out for... special occasions.”
“I guess you probably wouldn’t want it flapping around while you fly,” I say thoughtfully. “But that sounds like we might need to... practice? Before mating? I’ve never had sex before, and I don’t... I mean, I’m aware of the basic mechanics for humans, but—”
“Neither have I,” Zan says, “but male dragons are educated about sex with humans before leaving the eyrie. It’s to our advantage to be able to please a partner, after all, since even humans often don’t get pregnant on the first try. I am confident I can make it a good experience for you.”
His eyes are intent on me, and I feel myself blushing, which is a little ridiculous because sex with Zan is very much a thing that I want, so why am I embarrassed about it?
An instant later it comes to me.
I’m not used to being the focus of attention for someone who’s interested in my pleasure.
“Okay,” I say, a little breathily. “So. We try mating in human form, then?”
Zan’s hands on my hips flex. “We were talking about the possibility, not the reality.”
I make as if to punch him.
Zan doesn’t even tense beneath me.
He’ll just let me do what I want.
So I lean forward and kiss him instead.
Zan freezes at the touch of my lips.
And then I feel him shudder beneath me.
His hands move from my hips to my butt, pulling me closer to him. My core presses more firmly against him, sensation in my breasts coming to life where they press against his chest.
Zan licks at my mouth, and I open on a gasp at the sensation.
And then he’s inside me.
This isn’t a dance I know how to do, but Zan, as always, is here to help me. Following his lead, he guides me in deepening the kiss as I clutch his shoulders for anchor as all thought other than the feel of him leaves me.
When we finally break apart for air, I shakily push against his shoulders just enough so that I have space to see his face.
“I want this,” I tell him. “I want to be your mate. Do you want me?”
His hands cup my face. His eyes are blazing with icy blue light; no pupils remain.
“Always,” he whispers, and kisses me again.
This time, I feel the rush of magic—but it’s coming into me, too, and I gasp again into his mouth.
Zan withdraws sharply though, breathing hard.
I do punch him this time. “Hey. I consented.”
“I know you did,” he growls. “But—”
He catches my fist this time when I go to punch him again.
“You think I’m not sure?” I ask him dangerously.
“I know you are right now, and I’m not doubting you, but I don’t want you to have any regrets, Yora. Your entire world just changed. We don’t know what your lifespan is now—”
Oh shit, that’s right—
“But if we mate our lifespan will be tied. You could have hundreds of years to regret your choice.”
I blink.
Wait, hang on.
He thinks if we mate, I won’t leave him?
That’s the opposite of the problem I thought he was worried about, but it abruptly occurs to me that after five hundred years, Zan probably has no idea how to cope with the idea of permanence.
Nothing in his life has prepared him for the idea that someone might want to keep him, that he could even have that.
No wonder he’s so squirrelly about me.
He can’t quite believe I’m real.
I take a breath. Okay.
I don’t need further consideration where he’s concerned.
But if he needs time to believe me, I can give him that.
“You think that I’ll have your lifespan, rather than you having mine?” I ask.
Zan nods, relaxing a little when I don’t immediately push him.
Since I know he can deal with all the fight I have in me, that also makes me realize I’ve pushed him as far as he can handle right now.
“Yes,” Zan says. “I have too much magic. Even if half of it flooded into you, I’d still be immortal. But given how much magic you already have—”
Oh, now I see what he meant earlier. “I might already be immortal anyway.”
Zan nods. “The power you unleashed, not to create the Quiet, but to maintain it—I think it changed you. Or rather, I think you changed yourself. I’ve never heard of another sage in all of history who was able to meditate for more than a few years, and I looked, Yora.
I looked for any scrap that might give me hope that my mistake might not be permanent, and I never found any. Not until you woke up.”
“Zan...”
“Yora, listen to me.” His arms tighten. “This life is effectively all new to you. I don’t want you to mate me out of any misplaced sense of obligation. If you’re sure, then we don’t need to rush. We have time. The... intention between us, that’s strong enough to anchor me.”
“You say that now, but you thought before—”
“Now I don’t have any reason not to tell you if something changes.”
I narrow my eyes. “Unless you don’t want me to feel obligated to do something about it, even if I would be happy to!
” Then I sigh. “I admit I don’t love the idea that you don’t have a choice of partner, though.
Like I am definitely choosing you, but for you, I’ve been your only choice? What if I’m not enough for you?”
Zan leans his head back with a frown. “What?”
“You can’t go back to the dragons without children, even if you were willing to, but what if another dragon has been born that you could mate with?
You’ve met other dragons in the last five hundred years, but they’ve all been sycophantic kids, right?
What if someone has changed since you knew them, or there’s a four hundred-year-old sexy lady dragon you’ve never met? ”
Zan stills beneath me. “You... think I want you because you’re my only option for mating.
” He shakes his head. “First of all, it doesn’t work like that.
But also please recall that you’ve been effectively in a coma for half a millennium and I didn’t leave you, Yora.
Sensing the potential mate bond is what brought me to Kameya in the first place, but it didn’t keep me here. ”
“You didn’t leave, but would you have if you’d sensed another mate bond? How far can you even—”
“It doesn’t work like that,” Zan repeats fiercely, then shakes his head and adds wryly, “This is not how I expected this conversation to go.”
“You didn’t expect me to ask questions about dragon lore?”
“I didn’t expect to have to convince you that I’m obsessed with you,” Zan growls.
Oh.
I... really want to hear him say that again.
I don’t know what Zan sees on my face, or feels through our fledgling bond, but he snarls and this time he pulls me to him.
This kiss is not like others we’ve shared.
It’s not gentle.
It’s not soft.
It’s furious.
It’s a claiming.
And I meet him stroke for stroke, because if he thinks his passion can overwhelm the Sage of fucking Wrath he’s got another thing coming—
But he doesn’t, of course.
He’s proving that he sees me, and is my match, and that, more than anything, takes my breath away.
When I finally wrench myself away to gasp for air, I’m not dizzy.
I’m on fire.
Zan’s eyes blaze with light.
And so do mine.
“I’m obsessed with you, Yora,” Zan growls again. “There has never been anyone else for me, and there never will be another. Whatever we have to decide between us, that is not in question.”
I want to believe that so badly, but it doesn’t seem like it can be real.
Maybe that’s how Zan feels about my choosing him, but—
“How can you be sure?” I whisper raggedly. “How do you know you won’t regret not mating with a dragon? We’ve only been talking to each other fully consciously for a few days, and I’m a sage, I know why I’m like this, but—”
I take a breath; voice the real fear.
“How do you know I’ll be enough for you?”
Zan’s head tilts to the side. “You don’t feel the bond like I do, I think.”
My stomach drops.
“That’s not what I mean,” Zan says fiercely. “You can... Like with Teren. You can feel when he’s working magic, but you can’t use comfort yourself for your magic. Just because you don’t perceive it the same way I do doesn’t mean it’s a problem, I’m just trying to think of how to explain.”
Okay. Still bothers me, that there can be something between us I don’t feel but he can, but that’s not his problem.
And then I realize— “Wait. Is the bond how you knew I wasn’t dead?”
“Yeah. But it’s—” Zan blows out a breath.
“Yora, when you went into stasis—by any rational measure, the bond potential between us should have faded. But it grew. It hit me with such a punch it knocked me out of the fucking sky. I thought what I’d felt before was a.
.. quirk, a weird anomaly. I’d never felt a potential mate bond before and thought I might have been wrong, and then you detonated and I couldn’t deny it.
And that’s when I realized how badly I’d fucked up—if you were willing and able to go so far on your own, then for me. ..”
I would have gone that far for him.
I probably would have gone farther.
And as soon as I woke up, not only did I touch him, I chose him, over my own life.