Chapter twenty-seven
Why did he have to consume the thoughts in my head? I wanted to scream and scream in my blankets if only to get his presence out of my mind.
It had been a few weeks since I had my new task given to me by Aris.
I ended up completing chores in Aris’ chambers multiple times throughout the day due to Hera sticking her nose in my business, but I had learned his schedule, so I’d never have to spend more than a few minutes in the same room as him.
Regardless of making efforts to ignore his glances and having more important things to think about, like my survival and safety, and regardless of whether I’d seen him or not, I’d still end the day thinking about what he was doing that night.
I wanted to yank the red hair from my head in spite of the servants who told me every day I should shave it, so that they weren’t burdened by seeing it.
I wanted to rub coffee bean powder over my skin so that I would be accepted by them and look more like they did.
Yet no matter how much I screamed, no matter how much I wanted to shave my head and rub bean powder all over my body, I’d still be here.
I woke today just as every day, starting with a core exercise to strengthen my muscles mostly out of spite from what Aris said, but also because it might help me when I most needed it.
I attempted to push my body up from the ground using my hands in front of me, hoping that I’d finally make one full movement—and I did.
I attempted another and fell immediately on the floor.
Perhaps tomorrow.
I tried a few more exercises that I knew would help strengthen my upper and lower body.
I improved my breath slightly with how many repetitions I was doing.
Sweat accumulated on my forehead and dripped on the stone floor in front of me.
This would help me get up the stairs easier and faster than the first day I was here.
I got ready for the day, rinsed my face, brushed and braided my hair, and left shortly after with a lilac-dyed dress gifted by Maeri.
She said it wasn’t her color.
I rushed down the hallway, up and around the back staircase, controlling my breath, and crossed the larger hallways towards the emperor’s doors.
I tested out my strength as I pushed the large double doors open—
That was easier than yesterday.
I smiled.
I looked down at my arms but didn’t see any improvement in size.
I shrugged.
I noticed Aris left some papers on the table to the left of the room—strange, as he always carried them with him or they were secured in his study.
With an overwhelming sense of curiosity, I approached the wall of weapons and brushed my fingers over one of the more beautifully carved metal knives.
I bit my lower lip.
Tilting my head, I wondered how many people my brother killed.
I wondered if he ever held a knife like this one.
He told us he wanted to fight wars since he was eleven.
My parents didn’t take him seriously, but as he grew older, his dream of becoming a soldier never left. He’d say, It’s my destiny. It’s what I’m meant to do with my life. Little did he know, he’d be gone from our lives because of it. I fought the tears that stung and turned to continue my chores.
As I started on Aris’ bed, my curiosity finally got the best of me, and I turned to gaze upon the weapons hanging on the wall.
I shouldn’t—but I could.
No, I had to.
I had to feel one in my hands.
Lifting a carved knife gently from the wall, I held it in my hand.
It was heavier than it looked.
I wrapped my fingers around the handle.
It felt cold.
Focusing on swinging it back and forth, I felt the weight cutting through the cool air.
I tried to take a lunge with the knife, realizing how utterly silly I was, stabbing the air, and laughed out loud.
“What’s so funny?”
I whirled around and found Aris standing across the room near the privy chamber, and I dropped the lovely knife on the floor.
The sound echoed in the room.
Shit.
My eyes widened.
“I—I’m so sorry, my lord.
I—I was only—I didn’t mean to…”
The words escaped me.
I should have known.
The papers gave it away.
If I only wasn’t so distracted by my nonexistent muscles. Damn you, Solei.
Aris chuckled at my attempt to explain myself.
“It’s Aris,”
he corrected me.
He crossed the room, dressed in black from head to toe, hands in his pockets.
“What was so funny?”
I blinked and slowly relaxed my body.
He wasn’t mad at the fact that I was handling his weapons.
“The thought of striking air.”
“Would you rather strike something else?”
His brow lifted.
A dangerous question.
“I wouldn’t know.”
Aris bent down and reached for the lovely carved knife, holding it in both his palms.
“The air can be your friend sometimes.
It helps balance the weight of the knife.”
Then, he was holding it with only one finger.
I felt my eyes grow wider.
He held it on the tip of his finger, then flung it in the air and grabbed the handle with the other hand.
I took a step back.
His lips curved sinfully.
“Are you afraid now?”
“I would rather not die from a fatal accident.”
“An accident! Why, you insult me, Solei.”
His amusement mocked me, and I blushed a shade of red.
Why was he here? I wanted to finish my chores and leave this beautiful, beastly man immediately.
“There will be no accidents when my hands are around a weapon.
I know exactly where it will end, every time, using precision, concentration, and will.”
“Will?”
“If I will it, it will happen.”
I hid my shudder and didn’t drop my gaze from him.
“Come closer.”
My heart fumbled.
“Why should I?”
I asked hesitantly.
“Why must you always argue with me? Come here.”
“I should get back to cleaning.”
I swallowed, my breath caught in my throat.
“Too late for that.
And don’t make me ask again.”
His eyes, I couldn’t read them.
Perhaps they were cold, empty.
Reluctantly, I stepped forward, and Aris grabbed my arm and placed the knife in my hand.
I wrapped my fingers around the warm handle, and he let go.
“I saw you earlier.
You let the air hold the knife, but you need to control the weight.
Left and right the weight of the knife carried your hand, but it’s your wrist that needs to navigate the blade,”
he instructed.
He placed his hand around my dainty, pale wrist and pressed it.
My wrist stiffened, and the blade followed my weight.
“Do you see?”
I nodded.
His hand pulled my wrist forward, turned me around, and he was behind me in a split second.
The movement took my breath.
“Hold it strong,”
he insisted behind my shoulder and tested the weight of my wrist.
“I am, Aris!”
I waited for a moment, holding my breath for his strike, but he did no such thing.
Instead, he kept weighing my wrist, completely ignoring my retort.
“You’re not! Hold it with some grit, quiet one.
Like your life depends on it.”
Frustrated and more willing to prove my point, I held the handle tightly, my knuckles going white.
“Not that strong.”
I twirled around to face him.
He towered above me.
“Well, which one is it, Aris?”
His eyes were darker than before.
“It’s a fine line.”
I tried to take a step back, but he was still holding my wrist near him.
“Then teach me,”
I whispered, trying to distract myself from feeling a rush at his nearness.
First, he showed me how he held and swung the knife and then had me hold his wrist, feeling his weight on the handle.
Then, he made a few gestures with the knife, and I followed his will.
“Do you hear that?”
The knife split the air in half, and a whistle sounded through the room.
I nodded in amazement.
Time passed by quickly as he showed me a few more moves.
“Again,”
he urged me.
I held the knife, and he was behind me again, wrapping his hand around my wrist.
With the weight evenly distributed, I slashed the air, and I could hear the whistle of the air.
I smiled at my success, my eyes filling up with excitement.
“I did it!”
Aris’ body stilled for a moment.
Something gleamed in his eyes as he stared at me.
He smiled and nodded.
“You did indeed.
Keep practicing.”
He dropped his hold on my wrist and walked to the wall of weapons.
I felt silly in my lilac dress, slashing a knife in the emperor’s chamber, but I continued as he ordered me to.
Besides the whistling air, I heard him take down another blade from the wall, but I focused on my will, as he taught me.
“Where did you learn how to fight so well?”
I inquired.
“Besides being Malakar’s son and being forced to have lessons since I was a child… I sharpened my skills with a man.”
He paused as if remembering something from a long time ago.
“He was actually a prisoner of war my father captured.
He taught me many things when I was barely a man, especially how to fight.
He became like a brother to me.”
His eyes hollowed.
I wanted to know more, but Aris appeared in front of me.
He pressed his finger upon the tip of the dagger he held in his hand.
“Now, time to know where to plunge that blade when the time comes.”
“When,” I noted.
“With your luck, I’d assume so.”
My mouth pursed, and I placed the blade on his bed.
With my luck? I scoffed and didn’t respond, choosing to ignore him.
I continued straightening out his bedsheets since I was behind schedule as it was.
“You’ll learn this whether you want to or not.”
How dare he.
I turned. “You—”
Suddenly, my back was flat on the middle of the bed, and a knife was between my neck and shoulder.
My heart pounded.
He was on top of me, crushing me.
“Aris, what are you—”
“I told you, you’re going to learn.
I can’t have my chambermaid know how to hold a knife but reluctant to learn where to plunge it.
That, I’m afraid, is the most important part—or else you may be putting yourself in more danger by targeting the wrong area.”
The blade he held slid down my neck.
I couldn’t breathe, and it wasn’t because of his weight pressing on my petite body.
The blade felt sharp and cool against the warmth of my skin.
“You want to go for the side, between here and here.
Do you understand?”
His eyes were so serious.
I swallowed and nodded.
For a moment, I lowered my gaze and noticed how soft his lips looked from here.
My heart sputtered in my throat.
How soft they might feel—
Fool, Solei.
Stop thinking about such things.
“And here,”
he said softly as he trailed the knife down to the low spot on my shoulder near my neck.
The world stopped spinning as he lowered his gaze to my own wet lips.
His face was so close.
The blade lifted, and he brushed it against my lips and lifted his eyes to mine.
I barely noticed how cold and hard it felt upon my lips. My breathing deepened.
“One more place where it’s crucial when the time comes.”
He dragged the blade from my lips, down my neck, and lower.
He stopped in the middle of my chest between my breasts, his hands dangerously brushing against them. “Here.”
I thought I might have died.
My heartbeat was nowhere around.
After a moment, I felt the weight of the blade against me as he whispered.
“Are you afraid now?”
It was now or never, I told myself.
I braced myself as I pushed him off my body now that he was caught off guard, wrapped my hand around the handle of the blade, and ripped it from him.
I knew he had let it go just as easily as it felt.
I twisted my body so it was above his, though my body could barely cover half of his.
“Here.”
I placed the blade on the side of his neck.
We didn’t break our locked eyes. “Here.”
I traced the blade down his neck and onto the softest part of his shoulder.
“And here.”
I gently pressed the blade against his lips.
He let out a gentle laugh that made my stomach flutter.
“That isn’t one.”
He shook his head, his lips curving to the side.
“Oh? You could have fooled me.
You placed the blade on my lips.”
“Indeed, but it wasn’t a place I’d press my blade into.”
His eyes pierced me with obsidian darkness, and I could almost feel myself melting inside of them.
Warmth spread across my face.
“You missed the most important one.”
He smirked.
“No, you’re wrong.
I didn’t miss one.”
I pressed the other blade I had caught from the bed deeper into his chest so he could feel it there.
I was asking for a death sentence—that was how it felt from how reckless I was becoming.
I had lost all my senses.
I could be hanged for what I was doing.
My sister would stab him now. I knew she would, but the thought never crossed my mind.
His lips curled into a smile.
“Impressive.
You even managed to catch me off guard.
Not many would be able to accomplish such a thing.”
Feeling the heat of his eyes, the way he dropped his gaze to my lips, the way my body warmed on top of his, I dropped the blades to his side and slipped from his bed.
I didn’t look back as I left his chambers, to be returned to once I knew for certain he had left for the day.
I didn’t realize it until then, but my entire body vibrated and tingled like never before.
Not in the way of fear, but in excitement.
What was wrong with me? I stormed down the hallways.
What am I doing? I wanted to smack my head onto the marble floor.
I’m an idiot!
I rushed past the windowed hallways, down the stone stairs into the back of the palace, through the servants quarters, the kitchen, and into my room.
I collapsed into my bed.
I screamed in my linen blankets as loud as I could without anyone hearing me.
I couldn’t do this anymore.
The betrayal and guilt in my heart was too heavy.
I just can’t.
I can’t. I can’t.
“Is everything okay?”
I heard a small voice ask behind me.
Fuck!
It was Sebry.
I could only tell because she talked my ears off every other day.
I looked up from the blankets I had just screamed in a moment ago and smiled sweetly.
“Yes, of course.”
Gods, I was such a liar.
“Okay, I was just making sure because it didn’t seem so a moment ago.
Was it hard today? I had multiple guest chambers to wash and clean, and it all went great.
Have you eaten the cranberry muffins the cook made this morning? My god, it was the most…”
The next morning, I completed the same routine of exercises I did every morning and continued the constant glances into the mirror hoping for some physical progress.
I could see some—maybe, or I might be imagining it.
It was hard to tell but regardless, I felt better knowing that it was easier for me to run up the stairs every morning to complete my daily chores.
I was walking down Aris’ hallway when he exited his chambers with a guard waiting outside his doors.
He towered over that guard too in height.
A flash of metal on his hip caught my eyes.
He was carrying the beautiful carved knife that I practiced with yesterday.
Warmth fluttered inside me.
Respectfully, I walked to the side of the hallway and waited for him to pass.
Daring myself a glance from my bowed head, Aris gave me a nod.
“Solei,”
he greeted.
I dropped my gaze and wanted to kick myself from the heat that rose in my neck.
“She has a name?”
the guard asked as they walked by.
“Of course she does, Chaston.
Everyone has a name,”
Aris said exasperatedly.
“Yes, but how did you find out?”
“I asked,”
Aris said as they continued down the hall.
Entering his chambers, I smiled.
Then I scolded myself.
I looked over to that tempting wall and noticed the empty space the knife had hung in.
My fingers twitched, wanting to practice on another dagger with what he taught me the day before.
When I finished, I left his chambers and made my way down to the servant’s quarters for lunch.
My leather flats padded against the dark marble floors as the lights bounced off the mirrored walls.
I would sneak a glance or two as I walked past them, curious to how I was perceived by the rest of the world.
My green eyes reflected vibrantly in the mirror, and my stubborn hair, yet again, left my now-loose braid.
I heard familiar voices in the interior garden below.
Curious, I walked over to one of the pillars and leaned forward.
My eyes darted, trying to find the source.
It was Camilla’s.
“I can’t thank you enough, My Lord,”
Camilla said softly.
“Don’t mention it.”
Aris waved a hand.
My chest squeezed a bit at the sight of them.
They looked like a painting, sitting together on a bench.
I could see them from above through the open stone pillars.
The bright green luscious gardens almost hid them as they sat in the center.
“I have been meaning to ask, how did the girl tell you?”
“She told me,”
Aris stated.
Camilla laughed as if not understanding his answer to her question.
“I know, but how did she do it?”
It was Aris’ turn to laugh at what clearly was the truth and an inside joke to us.
“I suppose we all have our secrets, don’t we?”
I wondered if Aris said that in part because of what I shared a few weeks ago with him in secrecy about Tobias and Camilla.
“My Lord…I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
“I know you haven’t, Camilla.”
Aris stared at her, but there wasn’t any rage in his face.
“You don’t have to explain.
I know enough.”
I could tell from where I stood that Camilla began to cry.
Her whole body trembled.
“I—I’m so sorry.”
She shook her head and looked at her hands twisting on her lap.
“We’ve all been caught in their webs at one point.
I’m glad you were smart enough to make it out in time,”
Aris said.
“Will you forgive me?”
A long moment passed.
I held my breath.
“I already have.”
“I know things have never been too serious with us, but know that I care deeply for you.”
“I care for you, too, Camilla.
But we both knew this was never going to work.”
Camilla nodded, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
“I know.
I remember what you said: there is no room in your life and in your heart for love…or anything like it.”
“You deserve more than I can offer you.”
Aris’ head turned slightly away.
“I am leaving for my father’s estate tomorrow.
You know where you can find me if you need anything, right?”
Aris nodded.
They rose and held each other.
Aris pulled back and disappeared underneath the level I stood upon.
That must have completely shattered Camilla, to hear those heart-wrenching words from a lover.
He had no room in his heart, he had told her.
At that moment, I knew I was right about Aris.
He was the kind of predator that destroyed your village, destroyed your home, and took everything you’d ever known and killed it.
He didn’t look back, wouldn’t look back.
Didn’t care enough to.
I tucked that little piece of information into my heart.
I closed my eyes and smelled the fresh citrus air circling through the garden before I left to the servants’ quarters.
The stone walls within the quarters seemed extra cold and dark today.
My heart grew heavy, and my stomach twisted itself.
A few servants passed by me, casting their displeased, cursed gazes, which caused my breath to quicken.
This place felt too small for me.
The walls were slowly closing in.
I couldn’t catch my breath, and beads of sweat dripped from my hairline to my chin. I passed the candle-lit dining room and hurried through the hallways towards my room. As soon as I stumbled inside, I dropped into my bed with my arms stretched out to the sides.
A tear escaped my eye and trailed its way on the bed.
Exhaustion overcame me, and I drifted into sleep.