Chapter forty-eight
Aris’ words hit me.
I didn’t have a home.
Especially not with him—not anymore.
Not after…who I became.
The room felt too small, and the air from my lungs was disappearing.
The wet, warm blood which had soaked the top of my tunic felt too sticky and smelled of metal.
I was going to be sick.
My chest tightened as I lifted my gaze to Aris. He didn’t know me anymore. He didn’t know what I’d been through. I took a step back on the cold, hard floor.
I had no home.
The only home I now knew was the cage I’d lived in for months and the mental cage I’d lived in for years.
Aris narrowed his eyes as he approached me, as if he knew what I was thinking.
Without giving him a moment to react, I spun on my heel and sprinted through the throne room’s doors.
I could hear him calling my name, telling me to stop.
If he knew, he wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
He would be disgusted.
I was doing him a favor.
He just didn’t realize it yet.
I didn’t register the steps I took from the palace as I dashed and stumbled through the dead garden into the streets of Stroka.
My breath was already struggling from the sudden expended energy.
The smoking buildings, the dead bodies piled upon each other, crates of fruits splattered on dirt roads became a blur as I sprinted through the short streets.
My body was used to an empty stomach and hunger pains, but this type of nausea was a whole new level. Bile was on the verge of my throat, pressing to be released, whatever was left in me.
Aris’ voice and steps faded into the distance as I bolted into an alley that looked familiar.
I was running off of willpower, nothing more.
The freedom of being able to run without any walls or barriers was exhilarating.
I knew exactly where I was and where I was heading.
Back to the cages—to my home.
I rushed down the alley and into the square.
Looking through the thick smoke, I made out most of the slaves were gone from their cages except for a few.
They shouted and wailed, hands gripping the caged walls, begging for their freedom.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I ran for them, picking up an axe from one of the dead Strokan warriors.
My heart pounded from seeing where I lived for so long.
Where my soul wilted and died.
I marched my way to the three enslaved men.
Fear filled their crinkled eyes until they saw me.
“Over here!”
One of them reached for me.
Rage swallowed me whole.
Not knowing where my strength came from, I lifted the heavy axe with maximum effort, but it fell to the ground.
My arms were so weak.
The men screamed. Fire blew from a building near the square.
I lifted the axe once more and slammed it into a lock on the cage.
It flung off, and the door creaked open.
The mumbling slave scrambled out, and I barely heard a thanks as I hurtled for the next lock and bolt.
And the next.
Once the rest of the slaves were freed, I placed my hands on my knees, finding my breath, unsure of what to do.
I felt a comforting presence behind me, but I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.
I couldn’t burn these metal cages.
I knew that.
But that didn’t stop me from spreading my lethal fury on them as I hoisted the axe again, and it met the impenetrable metal.
The clang was louder than the explosions nearby. I didn’t stop hammering them with deadly strikes and I lunged for my own cage. Breathlessly, I swung my axe into my and Rubert’s cages and its metal bars.
Again and again.
But it did nothing.
The crack snapped back at me, refusing to make a dent in these gods-awful relentless cages.
The last strike had me almost tumbling over with the axe.
My shaking hands could not hold on to the weapon any longer as it slipped from my fingers.
The air in my lungs had not returned, but only depleted more.
I placed my hands on my knees and gazed at the burning square surrounding me. The sounds my throat made were sounds of panic. Blood dripped from the wound that encircled my throat into the dirt.
Calm, calm, calm.
I’m free, I reminded myself.
Breathe. Focus.
I was going to run as far as I could from this place, never see another being again, and live the rest of my days in peace.
I would grab—
“Solei—”
My head snapped up to see Aris standing nearby, watchful and calm.
I could still hear the screams of Strokan warriors pleading for their lives.
“Don’t.”
I raised my trembling hand between him and me, shaking my head.
He didn’t listen as his large form was suddenly in front of me.
“Please, Aris—”
He wrapped his arms around me, and I couldn’t breathe.
Not because he held me tightly, as if he were afraid I’d slip away again, but because the panic in my body wouldn’t leave.
My body trembled in his arms even though he held me firmly.
“Just breathe.”
Aris’ low voice filled my ear.
The screams from the streets, the fires surrounding us, and the warriors who shouted commands muffled as Aris spoke.
“You’re here with me.
Just breathe.”
“I can’t—I can’t breathe.
It’s too difficult,”
I cried against his tunic.
An explosion near us filled the air, and I flinched.
Without time to think of where it came from, Aris wrapped his arms around my back and legs and lifted me up.
He carried me through the square and alleyways.
I might have said the name Fenrah because Aris responded that he’d send a search out for her.
Fenrah was alive, and I couldn’t believe it.
After all this time, she had found me.
I needed to know she was going to be safe. I loved her. She was family.
I kept my head on the spot between his chest and shoulder that was created just for me, and everything became a blur—then went black.
I could feel Aris’ throat vibrate and move as he barked orders to warriors with me still in his arms.
I could hear the horses’ hooves near me pound in preparation to leave, and my eyes lifted for a moment to see the commotion on the outside field of Stroka—then saw black again.
“Solei, I need you to drink this,”
a familiar voice said softly in my ears.
I felt arms around me, and my body swayed side to side.
“Wake up, Solei.”
My eyelids rose.
I was on a white beast—Pacha.
“There you are.”
Aris’ arms tightened around me, as if he was comforted by the idea I was awake—alive.
How long had we been riding for? He handed me a tin filled with clear, liquid water.
“Drink,”
he ordered me.
An emperor.
A leader, a commander, the one who destroyed cities and villages.
The one who opened his heart to me, a captive from a foreign land, and worshiped my body. The one who had killed for me.
The one who chased me down orchards and swore he’d always find me.
Darkness enveloped my eyes again until Aris shook my body aggressively.
“I said wake up. Drink.”
My eyes flung open, and I lifted the tin from his hands and gulped water down my throat as quickly as possible, ignoring the feeling of what it was like to be forced under water, barely alive.
“How long?”
I rasped.
I looked behind us, and I saw the large army behind him going for miles and miles.
I could hardly see the end as their emperor led the way.
“We’ve been traveling for two days.”
Aris paused.
“We have about fifteen more to go.”
“No.”
I swallowed.
“I’m not going back.”
“Yes, you are.”
My chest tightened, the air being sucked from me once again.
“I said no, Aris.”
“You’ll be safe with me.”
I almost had the energy to laugh, but I didn’t.
I simply stated as a matter of fact.
“You said that once.”
I saw his white knuckles holding the reins in front of my body as his jaw and chest hardened.
He didn’t speak another word for the rest of the afternoon.
Night had fallen quickly, and so did the weather.
It was bitingly cool when Aris stopped Pacha and the rest of his infantry for rest.
Aris grabbed my waist and pulled me down, letting go to prepare a fire for the night.
He left for a while, most likely giving more orders to his higher-in-command warriors before he came back.
I sat at the base of a large tree and wrapped myself in the blanket Aris provided while he maintained the fire burning brightly.
I sipped from the tin, replenishing the thirst I’d had for months.
Even though the trees above us completely covered the starlight and the moon, I could still see his face in deep contemplation, focusing on placing sticks and larger pieces strategically in the fire.
Exhaustion hit me once again, and I closed my eyes, lying on my side on the mossy ground.
I heard the crackling of the logs split, then I heard Aris step towards me.
He dropped behind me, his body gifting me his warmth.
He wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me close.
I could feel the hesitation in his body when I tensed.
I hadn’t had this type of human interaction in so long.
But I allowed it.
It was purely for survival, the cold wind exposing the winter season approaching.
This felt similar to the first night we had together.
And maybe there was a chance that Aris wanted to be near me to remind himself that I was alive—that I wasn’t gone. Little did he know, I was barely breathing.
I couldn’t help but remember the last night we were wrapped in each other’s bodies.
I swallowed, and tears stung my eyes.
Only when I felt his breathing slow down, telling me he was asleep, did I whisper to him against the howling winds.
“I’m gone.”
I felt my heart shatter in my throat after I spoke those words, my chin trembling not from the cold but from the ache that wanted to be released.
Tears fell from my face onto the wet ground.
When slumber almost took me into darkness, I heard his low voice reply.
“You’re here.”
Fifteen days went by, riding with Aris on Pacha towards Siniya.
The air was crisper and cleaner but just as cold since the time we started our journey away from Stroka.
Aris and I barely spoke more than a few words to each other every day.
I was mostly sleeping in his arms. And every night, he’d hold me as I cried and cried. He’d never say a word about it in the morning when we packed up and left for a day full of riding.
He wouldn’t let me out of his sight for more than a few minutes to speak to his high-ranking warriors, who gave me glances like they pitied me.
Pitied me—I almost threw up every other time.
Aris had given me one of his tunics to wear, and I secured it with a belt around my waist.
Every time we saw the stream coming from the north, we’d stop and clean our wounds.
My neck had been cleaned several times by Aris, who insisted he’d help no matter how many times I’d swat his hand away.
He’d only grab a stronger hold of me, cleaning the infection, and didn’t take my rejection seriously.
I knew I would have the scar for the rest of my life, no matter how many healing herbs I’d place on it.
“Continue as planned.
Ensure they all get proper rest when they get home.
I’ll be back when I’m ready,”
Aris said to Justir, who rode nearby.
“Of course, Aris.
We’ll see you when we see you.”
Justir gave him a quick nod.
“Good luck.”
Aris hesitated.
“And don’t mention to anyone where I’ve gone.”
“Not a word.”
Aris clicked his tongue to Pacha, and we were veered into the forest, through branches, on a narrow road only one Pacha could fit through.
The road was so narrow and so old that the ferns and grass were growing into the road.
If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know it were a road at all.
“Where are you taking me?”
My heart pounded at the very sudden change in direction.
“A place where I used to go when I felt…”
He paused, finding the right words.
“Alone or lost.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to bring you somewhere you’re not ready for yet.”
Leaves kissed my cheeks as we passed the thick forest.
“I built this place for myself when I needed time away from Malakar.
I’d come here to think, to hunt, to just…be.
I’d almost forgotten about this place.”
We were silent for a few hours before my heart tightened at the cottage that appeared.
It was simple, made of bricks and stone.
There was a white fence surrounding it, protecting it from unwanted visitors and animals.
There was a chimney on the roof that meant there was a fireplace.
“The serenity of this place was exactly what I needed at the time.
It helped me process so much of the life I had in Stroka.
I felt lost and broken and most of all, I felt stuck with what to do about Malakar and my position with him.
Jonam had just died, and I left shortly after, unsure how much brutality I could take from Malakar.”
Pacha stopped for a moment.
The weight of Aris’ arms felt safe as he continued.
“When I built this place, it reminded me that there was beauty in life where there was such darkness.
I focused on the light, the brightness that engulfed this cottage, and I let that fuel me.
I found Siniya shortly after, and Malakar took it under his empire.
I had asked him if I could rule Siniya as an emperor, knowing that I would build my own empire to eventually overthrow him.”
Aris clicked his tongue, and Pacha started once more.
“The cottage is yours now, Solei.
You can burn it, leave it, or do whatever you want with it, but it’s yours.”
My heart swelled.
I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath.
A tear escaped the corner of my eye.
I swallowed, and I believed, in that moment, wholeheartedly, I would find my healing in this life or the next.
It would feel warm like Aris’ arms, bright like Siniya, and full of love for myself.
Thus, I began my healing journey.