Chapter 22 The Dive #2
She’d accepted by now that she was in love with him, and it came with every array of strange ideas she hadn’t considered in a long time.
In a place where everything moved slowly, relationships seemed to move faster. Work, school, time itself passed with such laziness that the most natural thing in the world seemed to be cultivating friendships or having a family.
Her? With a family? No longer having to hunt Madness? Just…children? She thought she’d disconnected from the simplicity of such dreams. She blamed Jackson for their resurrection.
She looked over at him accusingly and saw that same, wide grin he returned any time she offered a threatening glance or gesture.
“You want them, millions of them, I already know it,” she concluded with false grimness.
She was convinced he’d die without being completely surrounded by people.
There likely wasn’t a naturally better suited man out there to handle the crowded noise and relentless energy of toddlers.
Children were drawn to him, and if he didn’t have his own, she was convinced he’d adopt every available orphan. He might be inclined to do that anyway.
He grinned wider and propped his head up on one of his hands, watching her with a content and playful expression.
“You know, I was one of the top scouts for the Imperia?” she said, raising an eyebrow.
“I know,” he replied, expression unchanging.
“I was a warrior. I was dangerous,” she urged.
“Absolutely. I’ve seen you fight,” he said simply.
“You’re looking at me like I’m,” she hesitated, “adorable.”
His expression broke, and he laughed out loud at her apparent distaste.
He rubbed the stubble on his face, leaning against the table and looking out at the courtyard.
He wore a loose blue shirt that now exposed the clean row of black arrows tattooed along his collarbone.
“You seem a little embarrassed. I didn’t hear no to kids, though. ”
There was something in his tone she couldn’t trace, and so she waited in silence. The smile faded from his expression as he looked out at the town. Birds could be heard chirping loudly in the distance. It was always so peaceful here.
She watched his expression intently as his smile dissolved. Now it felt like there was something else in his countenance he’d hidden before. Jackson had a clever way of asking questions, and she knew now that children hadn’t been the purpose of his inquiry.
“Are you happy?” he asked, frequently direct with his most important questions. “Happy to spend your life here? Happy to spend it with me? I know things have moved quickly. To be honest, I don’t have reservations, Ella, but I will respect yours.”
“Of course, I am,” she reasoned, leaning across the table and grabbing his hand. “Jackson, I’m not sure I’ve been happier in my entire life than I have in the last few months.”
He smiled softly, but there was a sadness she didn’t understand.
“Ella,” he said, leaning toward her as he lowered his voice.
“You say I keep you in the present, but you keep me here too. I’m convinced, with you, I might live a life.
I might actually be able to grow older, have a family, die of old age, and that just be the end of it. Is that really what you want?”
“Yes,” she said, determined, “I’m happy.”
“Happiness has never been what you looked for,” he whispered, dark eyes intent.
“I want this,” she urged.
“Right now?” he said, grasping her hand.
“Jackson—” she searched his eyes, trying to understand his doubts.
“Why the dress?” he asked, startling her.
He’d noticed her mind drifting after all.
Perfect.
She repeated the word she’d been meditating on earlier.
“You saw it on my face, didn’t you?” she asked, twirling the fringes of her yellow dress around her finger. It was curious that he noted the dress, when she hadn’t realized until this morning what it had meant for her to wear it.
She’d purchased it yesterday, compelled to buy it despite having avoided the color for months. Jackson had noted it, but said nothing more, seemingly surprised to see her wearing it today.
So that’s what all of this was about?
“It doesn’t mean anything,” she said, and he looked at her sympathetically.
“I,” she sighed, “My mind just drifted off a little just now. That’s it.”
Perfect.
The word repeated again in her mind, and then the fullness of the stifled thought followed.
Everything is perfect, Ella. Why are you ruining it?
Jackson smiled against the sunlight and then leaned forward and kissed her.
“More and more lately,” he whispered as he drew back, searching her eyes as if looking for the answer she hadn’t formed yet.
She’d been making him nervous this week, and she hardly knew why until she realized how much he’d noticed the direction of her thoughts.
“You’ve been such an anchor when the world felt like it was drifting,” Ella replied, her fingers interlaced with his. She carried so much in that statement, having only seen glimpses of Lambspeak since the battle at Death.
She’d managed to avoid him, wondering what the cost of her deal with him would ultimately be.
She was unable to take Amnesia. She’d underestimated what Amnesia would cost her when she initially struck a deal with Lambspeak, and so she’d surrendered her fail-safe.
After all that she now remembered about her past, it felt like dying to give it up again.
She wondered if Lambspeak might find other ways of carving out her fears, these fears that she no longer seemed to feel so much anyway.
In his own way, Jackson had helped carve them out already.
She wished that Lambspeak’s request had only ever been metaphorical, that maybe he’d anticipated things ending how they had, with her conquering her fears regardless. She couldn’t know for sure.
“You say that, Ella,” Jackson whispered back to her. “But even now, you’re drifting off again. What is it?”
Ella smiled softly and then looked out at the streets again that filled her world like a dream.
A week ago, she’d never imagined leaving it, and two weeks before that, she’d talked of living her life out here forever.
Once again, her restlessness had returned like an illness.
The restlessness since the embolism, not so violent any longer, but a quiet chirping in the back of her head.
She hadn’t realized until this morning what it had really meant and ever since, each moment had been precious.
“I still don’t remember what happened to Peter,” she said.
She had consulted with Samual about it, and even he had little advice to offer before diving back into The Ocean himself.
Jackson knew this, and so he added nothing to the subject until she spoke again. The only difference now was that she revealed in such a simple statement that it was starting to bother her again.
“When the embolism happened, whatever memory Peter pulled me into…it still feels like…well, it still feels like some part of me never left. Ever since then, I feel like I’ve been chasing that piece of myself down.
And Kay,” she paused, glancing back at him to see how the depth of his expression had traced the direction of her thoughts.
“I can’t stop thinking about Kay and Jade and everyone else. ”
“Ella,” Jackson said, obviously pained by what she prepared to say.
“I’ve learned enough about diving, and I’ve spoken with Samual about it extensively. I can do it,” Ella reasoned.
“And what if you get lost and don’t come back? What if you sink right back into the illusion?” he said. By now, he knew her stubborn nature and clasped her hand as he exhaled deeply.
Ella swallowed but said nothing. They waited there in the silence, and behind her words, she hid another reason for her reservations. It was one she wasn’t sure if she could ever share.
Jackson saw her as a grounding force that helped keep Lambspeak, and whatever eventually caused him, at bay. The more Ella recalled about the Strike, the more she feared the opposite was true.
There were so many unknowns about her relationship with Lambspeak as well as Jackson. They’d grown very close in the past several months. It seemed everyone in The Quiet had noticed a quick and strong bond like a hand of fate between them.
Of all of the unknowns in her life, Jackson was still one of them, and perhaps the most daunting of them all.
“I’ll make it back,” she said, but couldn’t promise what the future had in store.