Chapter 31
LUKE
“This is starting to get ridiculous,” Sebastian tells me. We’re sitting in the lounge area of my suite in Milan.
We arrived yesterday after being away for more than a week since the last race. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t think about Jessica, but I wouldn’t say I’ve been successful, and apparently, Sebastian agrees.
“What do you mean?” I ask him, and he’s clearly frustrated when he answers me.
“You can’t keep going around like this, you’re like a zombie, man. Seriously, why don’t you get your head out of your ass and go get your girl?”
He’s not wrong; I am like a zombie.
I wake up, eat breakfast, go to my meetings, work out, and then go back to my hotel, where Sebastian’s been trying to cheer me up all week.
He’s taken me hiking, carting, even freaking skydiving to lighten my mood, but we both know the only thing, or person rather, that’ll help is a certain brunette with killer heels.
No matter how many tactics we’ve tried, I always have her in the back of my mind, wondering what she’s doing, if she’s feeling as sad as I am.
“It’s not that simple, and you know it,” I grit out.
Believe me, I’ve been thinking about how I can get her back, every second of every day, but each time I end up with the conclusion that her dreams will be crushed because I was selfish and wanted her to myself. I care too much about her to be selfish with her.
“I get that you’re trying to be a good man and all that, but shouldn’t she also get a say in this?” he asks me, and I must admit he makes a good point.
I took the choice away from her, afraid she would throw away her career for a relationship with me.
“Don’t you think I’ve thought about that?
I feel like the biggest prick, having her look at me at that gala, like I’ve ripped her world apart; it fucking broke my heart all over again.
I don’t want to be responsible for ever putting that look on her face again,” I tell him, and he seems to get the point.
“Whatever, man. I’ll go out and socialize like a normal human being; you enjoy being miserable. Later.” He leaves the hotel room, and I’m left alone for the rest of the evening.
When I’ve had enough of my own miserable thoughts, I decide to call my parents. Maybe they’ll have some good news that will cheer me up or some advice for a grown man dealing with heartache.
I call my mom while getting ready to take a walk.
“Hey Luke, how is everything in Italy?” She asks me, and I’m not surprised she knows precisely where I am. They always follow the F1 circus on television.
“Hey, Mom. It’s good, ready to fight for it this weekend.” I tell her, and since Mom’s always catching on to everything, she immediately asks me what’s wrong.
Knowing my parents were as new to this world as I was when I first started racing, they’ve experienced all the ups and downs with me.
The pressure from the fans.
The twisted stories to sell. The agents and the PR assistants with all their stunts.
And most of all, the way people treat you as soon as they know who you are.
Once again, I smile, thinking back to my first meeting with Jessica and how she stood out to me, unlike many others in this world.
“I met someone, she is a very special person to me, but I’m afraid I’ve lost her for good.” I say and feel my chest tightening.
“Oh, Luke, tell me all about it.” And I do. I tell my mom all about how we first met, the way she stood her ground and caught my attention from the very first encounter.
Then, our perfect date in Baku the day before my agent sprung the idea of a PR relationship on me, causing us to but heads and seeing our stubborn sides come out, eventually making that situation right again.
I tell her about her internship and how she shines in her role. She has the ambition and drive to chase her dream, working to make it a reality.
When I tell my mom about the perfect time we had together in Japan and Australia, she sighs happily into the phone.
Then, finally, I tell her about the pictures and the meeting with Andrea.
Leading to the current situation where I’m feeling awful being away from her, but the thought of crushing her dreams twists my insides even more.
“I don’t know what to do, Mom. All I want to do is make this right, get her back. But I also don’t want to be selfish with her and take her dreams away before they’ve had the chance to take off.” She thinks over what I just told her before answering me.
“You’re an admirable man, Luke. I’m proud of who you’ve become, and I’m sure Jessica agrees with me.
Maybe there will be a future for the two of you further down the road?
When she has secured a role in the media, and no one can take that away from her.
” Even though it’s not the answer I was hoping for, all hope is not lost.
Maybe we do have a future, it’s just not right now. I can wait for her.
The question is, will she wait for me?
When she doesn’t even know the real reason, I broke it off.
She thinks I couldn’t do this anymore.
I didn’t give her any explanation.
She has no reason to wait for me.
When I chased her down at the gala, a small glimmer of hope rose in her eyes.
It crushed me.
Knowing that I’m the one making her feel this way, but not being able to do anything about it. At least not yet.
“Yeah, maybe.” Not really in the mood to talk anymore, we hang up the phone, and my mom tells me she hopes she’ll meet Jessica someday.
Although I don’t necessarily feel any better about the situation, it still felt good to talk with my mom about it, nothing like parental advice.
No matter how old you are, our parents will always be there to listen to your problems and provide guidance. I may not be any closer to a solution, but at least I got some of my feelings off my chest.
Jessica holds a special place in my heart, so it felt right to tell my mom about her. We may not be together anymore, or ever, but at least my family knows I’ve had a real shot at happiness, even if it was short-lived.