Chapter 1 #2
"Oh, don't be such a prig." She moved closer, her perfume—floral and cloying—making his nose itch. With a gleam of wickedness in her eyes, she ran a finger along the edge of his waistcoat. "We're both adults, my lord. Surely we can dispense with the tiresome proprieties?"
Her palm settled on his chest. Felix caught her by the wrist, intending to remove it gently but firmly, when the library door flung open.
His head snapped toward the sound, and his heart stopped.
Nicole. She stood in the doorway, her eyes wide with shock.
For a moment, no one moved. Nicole's gaze flickered between Lady Felicity's hand on Felix's chest to his fingers wrapped around the woman’s wrist, and her face transformed in a moment from shock to—hurt? Disappointment? The fleeting emotion was gone too quickly for him to identify.
"I beg your pardon," Nicole said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't mean to intrude."
Nicole turned to leave.
"Wait!" The word burst from Felix, his gaze fixated on her back.
Nicole paused but didn't turn around.
Felix's mind raced, searching for the words he knew Reg would already have spoken.
This was his chance to explain, to somehow bridge the chasm that had opened between them over the past three years.
But with Lady Felicity still clinging to him like a barnacle, and Nicole's rigid posture screaming her desire to flee, he had maybe three seconds to salvage the situation.
With nothing to lose, he said, "Miss Nicole." Her name rolled off his tongue slow and steady despite the chaos in his chest. "Don’t go. Lady Felicity was simply seeking my advice on a matter. I hope you understand I’d never betray you. Please tell me you haven’t changed your mind."
Nicole turned slowly, confusion replacing the hurt in her eyes. "Betray me?"
"I would never." Felix gently but firmly removed Lady Felicity's hand from his chest and stepped away from her.
"I wanted to continue our conversation about...” His mind went blank and then he blurted, “About our engagement.
" What in the blazes was he babbling on about?
Engagement? Nicole will have his head for spouting his deepest wish.
He stood firm as the waves of anger from both directions crashed into him.
Simultaneously, Lady Felicity's mouth fell open and she said, "Your what?" While Nicole's eyes went impossibly wide as she roared, "Our what?"
Felix's heart hammered against his ribs. He'd told a blatant lie in front of one of the ton’s notorious gossips, and there was no taking it back. As his gaze fell upon Nicole and really looked at her for the first time in three years - it wasn't entirely a lie.
He wanted to marry her.
He'd always wanted to marry her.
"Our engagement," he repeated, more firmly this time. He crossed the library and ushered Nicole into the room, acutely aware of Lady Felicity's shocked gasp behind him. "Surely you haven't forgotten my proposal so soon? I know you wanted to keep it a secret... But I can’t any longer."
Nicole stared at him as if he'd sprouted a third eye. Her lips parted, and for a terrible moment, Felix thought she might contradict him outright. Then her gaze shifted past him to Lady Felicity, and her lips curved into a tight smile. Her spine straightened. Her chin lifted.
"Of course," she said, her Scottish burr more pronounced than he remembered. "How could I forget?"
Relief flooded through him, so intense it left him dizzy.
Lady Felicity made a sound like a strangled cat. "This is absurd! You cannot possibly be engaged to… her."
The disdain in that single word made Felix's hands curl into fists. "And why not?" he asked, his voice dangerously soft.
"Because she's—" Lady Felicity gestured at Nicole as if her very existence was a sufficient explanation. "She's no one of import… the daughter of a Scottish baron. She has no connections, no—"
"Enough." Felix's voice cracked like a whip.
Lady Felicity flinched. "But my lord—"
"I believe we're finished here, Lady Felicity." He didn't raise his voice, but the ducal ice in his tone could have frozen the Thames. "I trust you'll respect Miss Nicole's privacy—and mine—by keeping this conversation to yourself."
Lady Felicity's face flushed an unbecoming shade of red. "You'll regret this. Mark my words. She won't keep your interest past a week, let alone a month."
The vapid woman swept from the library in a rustle of pink silk, slamming the door behind her. The silence she left behind was thick enough to choke on.
Felix turned to face Nicole, aware that he'd just claimed to be engaged to a woman he hadn't spoken to in over three years. A woman who was currently staring at him with an expression he couldn't quite read.
"Nicole," he began. "I apologize for—"
"How dare you?" Her words were quiet, but they hit him like a physical blow.
"I beg your pardon?"
Nicole took a step toward him, and Felix was startled to see fury blazing in her eyes. "How dare you use me like that? Like I'm some... some convenient prop in whatever game you're currently playing."
"It's not a game."
"Isn't it?" She laughed, but there was no humor in it.
"Renowned rakes…The Martin twins. Everyone knows about you and Reginald’s schemes, switching identities, your idiotic one-month rule.
The two of you never pay any attention to a woman longer than four weeks, and you certainly never let anyone close enough to matter. "
Each word was like a dagger striking him precisely in the heart and cut deep.
"You don't know what you—"
"Oh, you know exactly what you were about.
" Nicole's voice shook now, with anger or hurt or both.
"You were cornered by Lady Felicity, and you needed an escape.
So you grabbed the nearest wallflower and declared yourself taken.
Very clever, my lord. I'm sure it will buy you at least a few days of peace. "
"That's not—"
She didn’t let him finish again, silencing him with a glare.
“And when those few days are up? When you've tired of this particular wallflower?
What then?" She moved closer, close enough that he could see the gold flecks in her blue eyes, close enough to smell the faint scent of lavender that clung to her skin.
"Will you discard me as you've discarded every other woman foolish enough to believe your pretty words? "
Felix's throat tightened as he uttered the truth. "No. Nicole—"
"Don't lie." She held up a hand, and he noticed it was trembling. "And don't call me that. You lost the right to use my given name when you didn’t write. When you forgot I existed."
The accusation flew through the air like an arrow about to pierce his chest, and he had no defense against it.
Nicole was right. He had left and never fulfilled his promises.
He had stayed away, buried his feelings for her beneath layers of rakish behavior and carefully cultivated indifference, telling himself it was for the best. Nicole deserved better than a man who couldn't even manage a simple country dance without her guidance.
"I never stopped thinking about you," he said quietly.
Nicole's laugh was bitter. "No? Then what do you call three years of silence?"
"Self-preservation." The words escaped before he could stop them, raw and honest and far too revealing.
Nicole's eyes widened. With no defense against her big blue eyes, he was in danger.
He should retreat behind a mask of cool indifference, but he was so bloody tired of pretending.
"I was seventeen," he continued, his voice rough.
"And you were fourteen. You were the only person who ever made me feel like I wasn't completely hopeless…
you still do. On my way to Oxford, I realized that if I wrote to you, if I stayed in your life, I would fall completely and irrevocably in love with you. "
Nicole's breath caught.
"So I left… and broke my promise to you.
" Felix swallowed hard before continuing, "I convinced myself it was for your own good.
That you deserve a man better than me, someone who wasn't constantly bumbling through life and utterly useless at everything that mattered.
I stayed away and tried to become someone you couldn't possibly want.
I thought I would be fine watching over you from afar…
" He took a step toward her, and she didn't retreat.
"But it didn't work," he said softly. "Because I fell in love with you anyway.
I've been in love with you since I was ten years old and you told me I could do anything… even dance."
For a long moment, Nicole simply stared up at him before she slowly shook her head and whispered, "No. No. No."
His stomach knotted. "No?" Felix repeated.
"I won’t allow you to do this to me." Her voice was stronger now, steadier.
"You don't get to ignore me for three years, take on the role of London's most notorious rake, and then, when you find yourself in a bind, declare your undying love all because you need a convenient excuse to escape Lady Felicity's clutches. "
Panicked, he said, "That's not what I'm doing—"
"I don’t believe you." She moved past him toward the door and paused with her hand on the doorknob.
With her back to him, she added, "I'm no longer the fool I was when I was younger. I know what I am. I know what I look like. I know that I'm not beautiful or charming or any of the things that men like you want in a woman. Let’s return to how things were before. Don’t follow me. Don’t talk to me. "
"Nicole—"
She spun around and glared at him. "Don’t call me that! It’s not proper.”
“You want to talk about etiquette? Very well then…You and I both know that Lady Felicity is spreading horrid rumors as we speak. I’d wager my entire annual stipend that the moment you leave this room, there will be a gaggle of ladies peering down the hall, waiting to see if she is spinning a tale or if she is telling the truth. ”