Chapter 7 #2
“Prisoner” wasn’t really fair. But she had felt trapped in her circumstances, that was for sure. And now that she had another place to be, now that she had...
Honestly, had a night with Jackson changed her so much?
She looked the same. She had checked herself over in the mirror this morning just to see if this change was visible, that shift that had taken place inside of her last night.
But as far as she could tell it wasn’t. She took a breath, and put her car in Park, right in the circular drive just in front of the massive entry to her family home.
A place that had never, ever felt like home to her.
But she didn’t have the same knot of dread that she used to have when James was in residence, didn’t have the same feeling of discomfort. So there was that.
She knocked, because she didn’t live here anymore, and when one of the members of the staff opened the door, she was led in as politely as if she were a guest.
She stood in the foyer, waiting for her mother to appear.
When she did, Cricket could only stare. Her mom was still every inch the lady of the manor, even though the circumstances at the manor had changed pretty drastically.
“Cricket,” Lucinda said, smiling brightly. “What brings you by?”
“I... I really need to talk to you. About...” She took a breath. “I spoke to Cash Cooper last night.”
“Oh,” her mom said, faltering.
“I asked him if he was... If he was my father.”
“Cricket...”
“I know that you are in love with him. And I know that he was in love with you. And I know you didn’t marry him because you chose money over love. I just thought that maybe...”
“He’s not your father.”
“That’s what he said.”
Her mom looked...embarrassed. “Was he...”
“He wasn’t mad. I mean, not much. Jackson was kind of mad, but...
I don’t know. I was just embarrassed. But I really thought...
There’s something wrong with me? I think?
Because I’m not like anyone in this family, and I just thought that maybe I would fit better with the Coopers.
And I thought that after I found out that you were in love with him... ”
“I was always in love with him. I always will be. I gave things up, Cricket. For a life that I thought would make me happy. But I was very foolish. I was very wrong. And it has taken me all this time to be able to admit it. All this time to be able to understand. Just how... Just how wrong I was. I thought this house could take the place of love. I thought money could do it. And then I thought social standing, because Cash managed to go and make all that money, just to show me what I was missing. I won’t tell you I wasn’t tempted by him.
I won’t tell you we never were. There were times...
We had opportunity, and it was hard. Because I remembered what it was like with him.
And it wasn’t... I shouldn’t tell you all of this.
You don’t want to know about my love affairs, I’m sure. ”
Cricket didn’t really, it was true. But she could be a whole lot more understanding about them now that she’d experienced a bit of it herself.
Would it be like that with Jackson? Forever and ever?
Staring at him from across crowded rooms and knowing how it was?
If he married someone else... Would she still always remember what it was like to have his hands on her body? What if she married another man?
Frankly, she couldn’t imagine it. She didn’t really have dreams of being a wife and mother. She had always had dreams about him.
“But you didn’t. That’s the important part.”
“No.”
“And did you... With anyone else?”
“No.”
“So James Maxfield is my father.” It wasn’t a question, but a heavy confirmation.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” Cricket turned, her chest feeling weighted with answers.
The fact was, she hadn’t wanted to ask her mother before because she had been afraid that this was the answer.
And it turned out...it was. There was nothing half so romantic as a hidden family out there waiting for her.
Nothing half so wonderful as an explanation for why she was the way she was.
She just was.
And she was going to have to find a way to cope with that, to understand herself.
To be okay with that.
“He said that...” She took a breath. “Cash said that I looked like you.” She turned around again to face her mother, looked at her smooth, unlined skin, her sleek blond hair. “I don’t see how. He said I reminded him of you.”
Her mother’s expression became soft. Wistful.
“Because back then I did. You’re probably the most like me, Cricket, of any of the girls.
I was wild, and I was headstrong, and I couldn’t be told a damn thing.
I made a sport out of daring him. Of pushing him.
I felt like I was meant for bigger and better things than I could get in Gold Valley.
Bigger and better things than he could give me.
And I would yell that at him. I would tell him that if he really wanted me, if he really loved me, then he would figure out a way to give me the kinds of things I wanted.
Because you see... I really believed that the man who would make me happy would come with all the things I wanted, and I didn’t think about the kinds of things I would give to him.
And that was how I ended up in a one-sided marriage where I didn’t ask any questions, and I just took everything that came my way.
I didn’t have dreams of my own. Not beyond what I could have.
And when I realized that I was stuck with a man who didn’t love me, with a man who wasn’t faithful to me...
I had you girls. And I wouldn’t do anything that might jeopardize my having you.
And he used the three of you to threaten me.
” She closed her eyes. “I’ll be completely honest, half the time the only thing that kept me away from Cash Cooper was knowing that if your father found out he would do his best to make sure I never saw you again. ”
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Cricket said. “And I’m sorry I never realized how unhappy you were here.”
“Yes, well. I’m the one who made this place.” She looked around. “It was my prison. And I built it for myself, and locked myself inside. And you right with me. I never felt like I had a right to offer you any comfort.”
Cricket didn’t know what to say. Except... She remembered what Jackson had asked her, that first day he had come to her house. “Can I ask... Why did you name me Cricket?”
Her mom smiled. “Because it reminded me of who I used to be. A hot summer night sitting outside and listening to the crickets. Of simpler things and simpler times. And by then I knew... I knew I wasn’t ever going to find happiness here.
The only happiness I had was you girls, and I didn’t...
I was distant, because I let my guilt and my fears determine how we connected.
I’m sorry for that. I really am. The divorce—this has been like a slow waking up.
I’m not liking everything that I’m seeing around me.
My own flaws. My own...failings in all of this. ”
“James Maxfield is kind of an evil bastard.”
“Well, there was a time when I was suited to him. And that doesn’t fill me with any great joy.”
“I don’t understand how you could... I don’t want to pile anything on, Mom, and for the most part, I just think... We were all victims of his. But one thing I don’t understand is how you could marry him knowing that you loved Cash.”