Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
WANT AND NEED
‘Leave us.’ My mother waves her hand.
The guards retreat from the room, closing the doors. I’m mortified, my cheeks aflame. I don’t dare glance at Michael, but I’m aware of him, like a fire at the edge of my being.
My mother perches on the sofa. She chews her lip for a moment, her dark brows coming together. Finally, she speaks. ‘You cannot be together.’
‘My lady, I—’
‘Oh, you know it’s Penelope.’ She waves one slender pale hand. ‘Honestly, Michael, I think you’d be a fine consort for my daughter. But she has made promises elsewhere.’
‘I’m right here,’ I say, stung into speaking. ‘And I haven’t promised anything to anyone.’
‘No, you haven’t.’ My mother sounds thoughtful. ‘Nothing official, anyway. But you’re wearing his jewel, at a ball held in your honour. Danced your first dance with him. Did you not think anyone would notice the two of you missing?’
My heart sinks. ‘Did Joaquin—’
‘Joaquin is with your father, no doubt being shown a series of paintings of illustrious Raven ancestors.’ Amusement gleams in her eyes. ‘I made sure he was occupied, when I saw that you’d gone.’
‘I realise how this looks, Penelope, but I have true feelings for Emelia,’ Michael says. ‘And I would like to declare my suit, if I may.’
My mouth drops open. ‘What?’
He shrugs. ‘I’m just asking for what I want.’
‘What you want?’ I feel as though everyone around me has gone insane. ‘What about what I want?’
‘And what is that, Emelia?’ My mother’s voice is serious.
I look at Michael. He meets my gaze, his handsome face giving nothing away, as though we weren’t just clinging to each other moments ago, as though I don’t burn at his very touch.
I think of Joaquin, how it feels to dance with him, what he can offer me and my realm.
Both safe harbours, but for different reasons. It’s outrageous that I have to choose.
‘I don’t know.’
A muscle ticks in Michael’s jaw. My mother looks from me to him.
‘Michael,’ she says, her voice gentle. ‘Perhaps you’d like to head back to the ballroom? We can talk about this later. I know the ambassador from Ravenko is keen to speak with you. I’ll bring Emelia back with me.’
‘Of course.’ He glances at me, storm dark, then leaves the room. I didn’t imagine the flash of hurt in his eyes. I feel like shit. I’m such a coward.
‘Do you really not know who you want?’ My mother rises, a shimmer of red silk, and comes over to me. I wish I could fall into her arms and weep. Instead, I shrug, looking away.
‘Emelia.’ My mother takes my hands in her cool grasp. ‘Talk to me. What are you so worried about?’
‘I don’t want war.’ The words spill out, her kindness unleashing my fear.
‘What?’ She pulls me, gently, to sit with her on the sofa. ‘The Challenge has been averted. You don’t need to worry about that.’
‘It’s just a matter of time before the next thing. I’m human and, no matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough for some people. I just think Joaquin is a good choice for me. He’s strong. He’s an heir, like me. And he’s vampire.’
A line appears between my mother’s brows. ‘But—’
‘Yes, Lion are here tonight, but you know Anbesa won’t agree with what I want to do.
Thanks to Mistral and the stupid North Wind, killing his son.
Scorpion haven’t bothered to show up. Having Jaguar on our side means things will be balanced.
If I’m going to choose anyone as a consort, it will probably be him. He makes the most sense.’
‘Choosing a consort does not have to be about sense.’
‘Oh my God.’ I drop my head back, groaning. ‘Is this about how when you met Father you knew he was the one, and how romantic it all was?’
‘Yes, and no. I understand you wanting a strong mate, but Raven are powerful, Emelia. We took North America from Jaguar. We also have substantial holdings, the fealty of the families, and garrisons filled with loyal guards across the realm keeping our borders secure. We’re more than strong enough to hold our own, should we need to.
You know this already. Don’t let fear guide your choices. ’
‘But we’d be stronger with him.’
My mother lifts one shoulder. ‘Would we? You don’t have to marry someone to create an alliance. There are other pathways to diplomacy. But what you cannot do is string him along.’
‘I don’t want to do that.’
‘Michael has declared himself, and I’d be happy to entertain his suit, if that’s what you want. But you’re still so young. There’s plenty of time for you to find the one you love.’
‘I’m also human. I’m not going to live for ever.’
‘Neither am I.’ Her hand smooths my hair, sorrow in her dark gaze. ‘Vampires die, eventually. Or go into the darkness.’
‘Into the darkness?’
‘Retreat from the world, entomb ourselves. Only the very old ones do this, as they can survive not feeding for so long.’ She pauses.
‘I don’t want to go into the dark. I want to live, with you and Aleks.
I want to watch you thrive. See you happy in your life, and your love.
I’m the Raven by birth, just as you are.
A role thrust upon me, without choice. But you, and your father, are both things I’ve chosen for myself.
And you are both, by far, my greatest joy.
I want nothing more than for you to know that happiness, too.
So don’t give your choices away, not when you don’t have to. ’
She kisses me, her hands gentle on my shoulders. A tear rolls down my cheek. Of course I want what she and my father have, the kind of love where you can’t bear to be apart, where you support and complement each other. She’s right. There’s time for me to find that.
‘You will be the Raven,’ my mother continues. ‘And that is enough. You are enough, by yourself.’
‘He came back for me, you know.’
‘What?’
‘Michael. He knew what his brothers were trying to do and that putting himself forward as an option for lieutenant was the only way to keep me safe.’
My mother says nothing for a moment. ‘It’s clear he cares for you. And you care for him, too.’
I nod. It’s not like she hasn’t just seen the evidence with her own eyes, anyway.
‘Are you drinking the tea?’
‘Mother! I haven’t … we’re not…’ My mother recently switched my regular tea from peppermint to ginger and rue.
When I asked her why, I nearly died when she told me it was birth control, one used by humans for a long time, to varying results.
Apparently, it’s very effective for vampires and, as I have vampire blood, it should be the same for me.
‘You don’t have to choose anyone yet,’ she says. ‘But it’s good to be prepared. Come on. Let’s go back.’ She stands, pulling me with her, linking our arms.
‘Wait.’
She pauses, beautiful as a rose in her red gown.
‘Will you tell Father?’
‘Yes. He and I have no secrets. But he’ll keep it to himself.’
A few minutes later we’re back in the ballroom.
Michael is dancing with the ambassador from Ravenko, a tall woman with icy blue eyes and a long sleek ponytail.
Blood dancers work the crowd, flecks of glitter floating in the perfumed air, golden light from candle lamps catching silver and gold, jewels and satin. It’s like a violet-scented dream.
‘I’ll go and find your father and Joaquin.’ My mother presses my hand, then leaves the ballroom in a whisper of red silk. I head for the drinks table, wanting to ease the ache in my throat. I wish I knew how to choose. Wish it didn’t hurt so much to do so.
Then commotion ripples through the crowd. I tense, remembering the aftermath of a bomb blast, my gravely injured father shielded from the light by a group of blood dancers. I spot Varin in the crowd and head towards him, but a guard steps into my path.
‘My lady, forgive me.’ He bows, deeply, his brow furrowed. ‘It is just that Scorpion have arrived.’
Oh God. I know I can do this myself, but this is one moment where I would love my mother’s support. Still, it’s literally just welcoming someone to my home. The fact they haven’t set foot in Raven territory since her coronation shouldn’t be a problem. I turn, smiling.
Holy shit. Only the long years of practice holding in my emotions, keeps the smile on my face.
Because it seems to be a problem, after all.