Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
WHERE YOU GO, I GO
I don’t know where Sophie is.
I went to find her after the ball, wanting to talk over everything with her.
There hasn’t been much on the news, thank darkness, apart from official photos, though a few images made it online.
I’m still embarrassed, though. About being caught with Michael, and how close I came to screwing everything up, then the Scorpion debacle.
At least Joaquin is gone for a few days, taking his entourage to ‘see the sights’, as he put it. He made a big show of kissing me passionately before he left, despite the audience of Michael, Varin, my parents and a host of guards. Or perhaps because of it. I’m glad he’s gone, to be honest.
But Sophie, when I look for her, isn’t in the garage or anywhere else on the estate, even though she’s supposed to be back on shift.
Nor is she answering my messages. What if she’s ill?
I haven’t had a lot of time to spend with her, but I’m doing the best I can at the moment, with everything else going on.
Worry curling in my stomach, I head down to the basement office, Bertrand in tow.
‘Is there any mention of her on the lists?’
A different guard is at the computer today, looking just as nervous as the previous one. I suppose when Bertrand is towering over you, dressed in the red-flecked livery of my personal guard, it’s enough to shake anyone’s confidence.
‘I’m sorry.’ She clicks her mouse. The printer in the corner whirs, spitting out several sheets of paper. Bertrand catches them, running his finger down the list of names.
‘It says she last left the estate three days ago,’ he rumbles. ‘Why has no one followed up on her not returning for her shift?’
‘That’s the thing.’ The young woman looks even more worried. ‘We don’t usually do that, because sometimes humans … well…’ She glances at me, apologetic.
‘Humans what?’ My stomach drops. ‘They die? They’re still people, though, each with their purpose!
’ I snarl the last few words. The guard flinches.
Bertrand glances at me, his eyebrows raised.
I pull my anger back with an effort. ‘If people don’t show up for work, they need to be checked on.
Please make sure this happens, going forward. ’
‘Of course, my lady.’
God and darkness, this infuriates me! This division between vampire and human, neither one knowing what the other is truly doing.
‘Raven don’t share their concerns with us.’
Words spoken by the human guard commander, the one who helped me get home after Kyle’s death. Oh shit. Realisation hits me like a hammer blow. I can’t speak for a moment. Bertrand’s head snaps up, his blue gaze on me.
‘My lady?’
‘It’s fine,’ I manage to say. ‘Um, keep looking, please? I, er, I just remembered I’m supposed to be doing something.’
I leave the room. Bertrand follows me upstairs. He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel him glancing at me.
‘I need to rest,’ I say, when we get to my room. My mind is whirring.
‘My lady?’
I pause, my hand on the door handle.
‘Wasn’t there something you needed to do?’ He’s frowning. I know he knows I’m up to something.
‘Um, yes, but I realised on the way up I had the time wrong. So, I’m going to rest first.’
His mouth twitches. ‘Of course. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.’
I nod, closing the door. I sit on my bed, needing a minute to sort through everything in my head. But, oh darkness, it feels as though pieces of a puzzle are clicking together, faster than I can make sense of them.
The human commander who saved me wore a red flower in his lapel.
As did the driver I saw that day at the guardhouse, when it was clear humans had been taken from the estate.
I saw the same human commander hugging Sophie, that day in the garage.
And I overheard his voice when I was hiding, when he cleared away the clothes left behind in the guardhouse.
The same guardhouse where Kyle swapped a secret for a pass off the estate.
It all seems connected to the mysterious red-flower symbol.
Which is also tattooed on Ira’s wrist. Oh God. I lie back on my bed, my hand on my mouth, tears starting as I realise where else I saw it. Sitting in a booth, gazing up at a domed ceiling studding with mirrored fragments, a cracked funhouse reflection of what was below.
Six curving red booths around a circular dancefloor. A red fucking flower.
More puzzle pieces, flickering through my mind.
Ira was the one who brought Andrew and Jane to us.
The same Andrew who let vampires on my islands to hunt.
What if the North Wind didn’t surrender?
What if it was some sort of plot, with Ira, to get what they wanted?
Freedom. And I just fucking gave it to them, like an idiot, instead of punishing them for their crimes.
The human commander knew Ira, too; knew he was sympathetic to humans, or so he told me.
Yet he keeps them caged in his bar, their blood on offer to customers.
Doesn’t seem very sympathetic to me. Ira was also at the Moon Harvest, where vampires hunted humans as punishment for the North Wind’s crimes.
And, perhaps most damningly, he knew Kyle from before he was in the pits, before he came to work for us and betrayed me.
And I know Kyle was a Reaper, because he told me. Just before I killed him.
What if Reapers and hunters are working together, capturing humans?
It would tie in with the timing of the attacks on the Safe Zones, which my father said showed clear signs of vampire involvement and which, despite our increased guard presence, are still happening.
Oh God. What if Sophie’s been taken, tricked somehow into going with them?
My stomach lurches and I sit up, a violent wave of nausea hitting me at the thought of her being savaged, running in darkness, unable to escape.
I run into my bathroom and vomit, then curl up next to the toilet, tears running down my face.
My head feels as though it’s splitting, too much to keep inside. I can’t tell my parents, or Varin, or Bertrand, not without concrete evidence. There is someone I can confide in, though. Someone whose job it literally is to support me.
I wipe my face and brush my teeth, then head back into my room.
I dig around in the bottom of my cupboard, pulling out my old Raven sweats and putting them on.
Then I press the carved leaf on my fireplace and head down the dark stairs and out of the hidden door at the base of the tower, blinking against the afternoon sunshine.
Crocuses nestle beneath the trees, daffodils nodding their golden heads, the first breaths of Spring in the air as I race across the lawns.
Michael, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, opens the door as soon as I knock.
‘E? I wasn’t expecting you—What’s wrong?’ He pulls me inside, steering me into the living room. ‘Tell me.’
‘It’s Sophie.’ I tell him all I’ve realised, stumbling on the words in my haste to get them out. ‘She’s disappeared. I can’t lose her, not like this. If it’s a hunt, I need to stop it.’
‘You absolutely do not.’
‘What?’
‘You’re the Raven, Emelia. Or you will be, in a week or so. You cannot go running off whenever you feel like it. Oh, don’t look at me like that. You made this choice, remember? And I’m your lieutenant. I’m supposed to talk you out of shit like this.’
‘I thought you were supposed to support me,’ I snap, stung.
‘This is me supporting you! You can’t do stuff like this anymore!’
‘Why not? If I’m the Raven, why can’t I do whatever the hell I want? My friend is missing, and I need to find her!’ My voice catches. ‘So excuse me for wanting to do something right.’ I get up, heading for the door, but he grabs my arm. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Stopping you.’
‘From going back to the house?’
‘From doing whatever hare-brained scheme you’ve come up with.’
We glare at each other, heat simmering between us. Then he sighs. ‘Tell me what this is about.’
‘I have to do something, Michael! I’m going to be the Raven in a week!
And then my life will be … fuck. I’ll be as trapped as I was before.
I’ll have to marry Joaquin and rule the realm and I just …
I want my friend back. I want one final adventure.
Yes, I chose to be the Raven. But it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
’ The words tumble out of me like release, sorrow I hadn’t realised I was carrying.
Michael’s throat moves, his stormy gaze on mine. ‘Why do you have to marry Joaquin?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything! I thought …
you know when we saw those Reapers, in the daytime?
I wanted to go and find one, in the Pits, and ask them for help.
That’s how desperate I am. I want to change things, but I can’t figure it out.
I can’t figure anything out.’ The last part is a wail.
‘And maybe if I marry him, people might take me seriously.’ Tears come to my eyes.
‘First of all, plenty of people take you seriously. You pulled a dagger on a vampire general!’
‘So? She still insulted me to my face.’
‘And second of all, what in darkness do you mean, you wanted to find a Reaper?’
And I break. I tell him all of it, about Lady Morvenna and the red flowers and why the Channel Islands won’t work, why I’m struggling so much. At some point he takes my hands, his fingers gently rubbing mine. When I finally finish, the love in his eyes almost breaks me.
‘What,’ I mutter.
‘You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here, E. I’m with you.’
Oh God. I want him so much. But it’s much more than just lust. He sees me, in a way no one else does. He feels like home, like safety, like the warmth of a fire on a dark night. And I cannot have him.
‘Michael, I—’
‘You don’t need to marry him, or anyone. Not if you don’t want to. You are more than strong and capable enough to rule by yourself.’
I stare at him, my lips parting.
‘Your heart matters, too. What happened between us, at the ball… I know you feel as I do. You would have left the room, if he was what you truly wanted.’ He moves closer, his hand coming to my chin.
My eyes close, every nerve ending on my body alight, responding to the heat of him, the pull between us igniting once more.
His lips brush mine, then he pulls back. I open my eyes.
‘If I start kissing you now,’ he says, his voice a low growl, ‘I’m not going to be able to stop. And I want you to have choice. Even if everyone and everything else takes it away from you, I will always fight for your right to choose.’
It’s as though my heart breaks, over and over, each time he retreats from me.
I could reach out, now, and he’d be mine.
The thought of doing so feels like wings, lifting me.
But the weight of responsibility drags me down again.
I know that ruling demands sacrifice. I thought I was willing to pay that price.
But now I’m wondering, as he pulls back from me once more, whether the price is too high.
He sighs. ‘Go on, tell me your plan.’
His hands are still at my waist. I’m finding it tough to concentrate. If I really could choose, it would be to leave here with him, find Sophie, and somehow figure out a life together. I can only do one of those things.
‘I’m going to get on the next shift bus, and head to the Safe Zone to see if I can find Sophie. And if I can’t find her, I’m going to go to Ira and ask him what he knows. Because I know he’s connected to this, somehow.’
Michael frowns. ‘Ira? Why not go as the Raven?’
‘What, after dark, with a bunch of guards? You know why.’
‘Speaking of guards, where do they think you are at the moment?’
‘In my room, resting. One advantage of them not really understanding how much humans need to sleep.’ I grin. ‘So I’m going to catch that bus. And I’m telling you because, if I don’t come back, you’ll know where I am.’
Michael gets up and opens a drawer, pulling out a knife in a leather sheaf, which he checks before tucking it into the back of his waistband. Then he shrugs on a hoody and holds out his hand. ‘If you think I’m letting you do this alone, E, you are sorely mistaken. Where you go, I go.’
Oh.