Chapter 24
Deacon
No. No! The words screamed in my head at her suggestion even as my dick twitched at hearing her repeat Zoe’s direct phrasing.
And now I’d memorized how the word “come” sounded on Willow’s lips.
“No” was an easy word to say, even “no, but thanks.” And still, I couldn’t make my lips form the word.
Willow’s eyes were wide and hopeful, the light from over our table catching the warm brown color, and she did that thing again where she pulled her lip between her teeth.
Another flash of heat pulsed through me.
I have to say no.
“You’re not saying anything,” she said, those big brown eyes impossibly wide before she buried her face in her hands again.
“Oh my God. I can’t believe I asked you that.
What is wrong with me? One drunk kiss doesn’t mean you want to…
” She waved one hand toward the list in her bag with her eyes still covered.
The image of her hiding and waving was endearing until she caught the edge of her drink and the glass tipped, the red liquid and ice splashing across the table, one celery stalk threatening to glide off the edge.
Willow jumped back, but her white top was already sticking to her, and the ice cubes fell to the floor.
“Could this get any worse?” she muttered, accepting the napkin I held out, which did little to soak up the spill.
“Here, Deacon,” the server said, rushing over with a towel to help clean up.
“Saw the spill,” she said, flashing me a smile while thrusting a few paper napkins in Willow’s direction without looking at her.
I didn’t remember her name, but I had vague memories of something happening in the back room of a nearby bar one night right after I’d gotten back.
I’d been so drunk and still unsteady on my feet despite physical therapy.
The memories ran together, and I flushed.
Further proof I was not a good choice for Willow’s little experiment.
Willow, who was dabbing at her shirt, the white fabric clinging to her chest where her nipples stood under the cold fabric.
The server had cleaned up our table and stood there batting her eyelashes at me.
“You know,” she said, “I’m off in an hour. ”
Willow was still trying to dry herself, but she’d heard the offer in the woman’s words, and she looked on the verge of crying, her eyes down and her lower lip quivering, which finally pushed me to action.
“Thanks,” I said, glancing down at her name tag.
“Addy.” I was not the guy who could do this with Willow.
I was the guy who couldn’t remember the name of the server he’d banged in a bar.
“We’re good, but have a nice day. Could we get more napkins?
” I brushed her fingers away as I stood. “You’ve been very helpful.”
“Are you…sure?” She looked doubtfully at Willow and then back to me, the question behind her question making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end with annoyance.
“Absolutely.” I walked around her and handed Willow another napkin.
She really had taken the entire large glassful with her body.
It looked like she’d butchered her own bacon at the table, and around the room people turned to look.
She was trying to hide herself, and I did my best to block her from view of our fellow diners.
It cut me to the core to see her hiding again.
“Here,” I said, making a grab for my backpack.
I pulled a T-shirt from inside. “It’s clean.
I was gonna wear this after my workout. You want to go change in the bathroom?
” My gaze dipped to her chest, and I sucked in a breath before I looked back at her expression, which I’d probably classify as dazed mortification.
“Thanks,” she said, taking the soft cotton from my hand with tears welling in her eyes. “I’m sorry I’m such a…mess.” She didn’t give me time to respond before she hurried toward the bathroom, arms crossed over her chest as she made her way across the room, head hung low.
I watched her until she disappeared into the bathroom to find that Addy was still standing there.
“That was nice of you,” she said. “That girl is a mess, though. Before you got here, she was just staring at this notepad and talking to herself.” She touched my biceps and leaned against our table.
“You said she’s a friend, right? That’s why I asked what you were doing later.
” She stroked my arm, even as my gaze dragged to the door Willow had run through.
“Because I’d really love a repeat of the last time. ”
I shrugged off her touch, hackles rising again.
She was being rude. I was worried about Willow, but also, I could hardly walk the last time from the liquor and nerve damage—why would she want a repeat?
“Listen, I think I pretty politely told you I’m not interested.
” Willow had looked really upset, even before the spilled drink, and I worried what she was telling herself.
“I don’t remember much about last time—and I don’t know you, but you deserve something better than someone so drunk that the whole experience is a blur.
” I grabbed my bag and Willow’s from the table and threw a twenty down.
“You’re not drunk now.” Addy looked back at me skeptically. “Is she your girlfriend?”
I rolled my eyes to myself and strode toward the bathroom to find Willow. She wasn’t my girlfriend. But she was still Willow, and she meant something to me and I hated the idea of her hiding again. “She’s the one I’m following.”
I hurried my pace when I saw she was still in there, and I knocked on the door of the single stall space. “Low?”
“Gimme a minute,” I heard her say through the door, her voice choked. Oh God, she was crying.
“Low?” I knocked again. “Are you okay?” I tested the handle on the door, which gave immediately since she hadn’t locked it behind her. “I’m coming in, okay?”
I pushed open the door slowly, giving her time to stop me, but she didn’t.
Willow stood by the sink in my shirt, wiping at her eyes.
“I’m fine,” she said. “Just clumsy and awkward. Hey, drowning again, just in tomato juice, so I’m pretty on-brand, right?
” She gave a sad, choked laugh, and I had an uncomfortable sense of recognition.
I’d told those kinds of bad jokes hundreds of times after saying I was fine.
“You don’t have to check on me,” she added, wiping at her eyes again.
I shut the door behind me, closing us in the small space together.
“It’s my favorite T-shirt. I was checking on that,” I said, rubbing the fabric of the sleeve between my thumb and forefinger.
She held the soaked shirt, and I saw the clasp of a bra hanging down with it.
When she let out a sad laugh, I ran my thumb over her cheek, brushing away a tear and noticing the way her wet lashes looked when she glanced up at me.
“I’m sorry I asked you that stupid question.
” She glanced away from my face, looking down.
“It was a ridiculous idea. You have girls like that server throwing themselves at you. She’s beautiful and you’re not interested.
You don’t need me doing it, too.” She looked around and kept her eyes off my face.
I stroked my finger under her chin and tipped it up, bringing her gaze back to mine. “Stop hiding from me.”
“I’m embarrassed.” Her plain admission was like a punch to the gut. “I had this whole silly hope in my head that you’d be into this idea.” She dragged in a shaky breath. “Be into me enough to say yes.” She wiped at her eyes. “So stupid. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
All I wanted was to chase away the self-doubt that was clear on her face. So I stepped closer to her, continuing to stroke my thumb over her cheek. “I kissed you, Willow. I kissed you because I was very into you.”
“We were drunk.”
I rubbed my palm up and down the goose bump–pebbled skin of her upper arm. “I kissed you because I wanted you, and I didn’t answer your question because I was so damn tempted to say yes.”
She jumped in surprise, but I held her face, keeping her gaze on me. “You wanted to say yes?”
“Of course,” I said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “But I was being honest. I’m not a guy who sticks around. I’m going back to the service, and I know my life there isn’t any good for relationships. I don’t want you to get hurt, and that’s what would happen if we tried anything.”
“I know.” She nodded, a bit of hope returning to her face—it was something about how her lips tipped up. “And I would never want Cruz stuck in the middle—he lost as much as I did with my parents’ split and when Mom died.”
It pained me to say it, especially with her soft skin under my fingertips. “As much as I want you, he’s my brother.”
Willow’s smile widened, a spark of humor through her shaky voice. “Does that make us half-siblings?”
I grinned and stroked a thumb across her cheek again. “Adult half-siblings? Does that make it less weird that I still can’t stop looking at your mouth and noticing the way your nipples look through that shirt?”
Her face reddened, and she pulled her lip between her teeth.
“Hey.” I slid my thumb there, the pad grazing her supple lower lip. “I asked you to stop hiding from me.”
“I know you’re leaving, and I know you don’t do relationships. That’s why I asked you,” she said, and her fingers grazed my waist. “You’re safe. I’m leaving, you’re leaving, and nothing can happen, so it can just be…page two. And that’s all.”
I traced my thumb along the column of her throat, noticing her pulse and stroking the soft skin there. “Are you still doing all this to get over your ex?” Despite this entire conversation, and knowing I couldn’t have her, I wanted her to say no.
She shook her head, the curls bouncing around her face and her long lashes dipping before she met my eyes again.
“Kind of, but I think…” Her tongue brushed over her lower lip, and my cock twitched at the movement.
“It’s less about being ready for the next relationship.
I just want a fuller life, just for me. I don’t think I could see that before, but now…
” Her gaze traced from my eyes to my mouth back to my eyes.
“I want to experience everything I wanted but was too afraid to ask for or didn’t feel I deserved. ”
I’d immediately committed that list to memory, imagining Willow under me, on me, and spread out on my bed ready to be devoured in the way she deserved. “Just page two?”
“If you want to,” she added, her fingers pausing their brush over my obliques, my body willing her to skirt lower. “And when it’s over, it’s done. My heart won’t get broken. Cruz will never have to know, because there won’t be any awkwardness.”
I felt torn in two. My mind screamed at the dissonance of knowing this was betraying my friend’s trust, but I still wanted to do it, needed to touch her more.
And she was right—this was safe if we were both leaving.
Her back to Colorado to live her life with her re-dos under her belt, and me back to the only place I’d ever called home.
“I’m not good at relationships, Low.”
She nodded. “That’s not what I want here.” She sounded resolute, self-assured, and stood a little taller, which warmed my heart in a nonsexual way. “I only want to re-do page two so I’m ready for the next relationship and whatever happens next, so I can bring my best self to it and…I trust you.”
Willow had laid everything bare at my feet—what she wanted and what she needed. I cupped her cheek and slid a thumb over her lower lip. “Cruz can’t know,” I said. “And we take it slow. I’m not going down on you in a diner bathroom.”
She nodded, the warmth from her body radiating over my stomach and chest. “But you would go down on me somewhere else?”
I groaned, and my dick twitched again at the thought of her spread before me, that plump lower lip pulled between her teeth. I nodded and slowed my movements over her lip. “It’s on the list.”
She swallowed audibly and her smile widened. “So, you’ll do it? You’ll help?”
“Let’s see how many times we can make each other come, no strings,” I said, echoing her advice from Zoe. “But first, brunch.” I motioned to the door of the bathroom to lead her out. “Page one still matters.”
Everything about this was wrong. If I stopped to think about it, we were both betraying Cruz by taking anything further than this. So then why did looking down at Willow’s smile—that one that felt like it was just for me—feel so right?