Chapter 37 #2
“Anyway,” I said. “My parents fought the whole weekend when they thought I wasn’t listening, and he was my solace.
My dad moved out shortly after that trip, and my mom was depressed and distant after that.
I thought I needed him, and he was always there.
Now, I think I never really took the chance to see if I could be strong without him.
” I toyed with the end of my skewer, debating if I wanted one more toasted marshmallow.
“And now I’m realizing I don’t need him anymore.
So, I thought a re-do on the camping was…
fitting. I can be my own solace, I think. ”
I finished my s’more, grateful it kept me from having to say more. It’s hard to tear up when your mouth is full of chocolate and marshmallow. Life hack.
Hollis wrapped an arm around me, and Zoe hopped up from her chair to join us, wrapping me in her arms. “But you know we’re here, right?”
I hugged them back. I did. I was surrounded by love and care, and there was probably melted chocolate and graham cracker crumbs in my hair, but I didn’t mind.
Zoe pulled back but sat on the ground next to me, checking her marshmallows and furrowing her brow when they were only a little browned. “I’m proud of you for realizing you can want more than someone who is just reliable.”
I laughed, a few crumbs landing on my jeans. “Thank you,” I said, looking up.
“You can look for someone who gives you butterflies,” Hollis said. “That’s how I feel about Des,” she added. “They’re reliable, too, but they give me the butterflies.”
As Zoe asked about how they’d met, I felt my phone buzz inside my hoodie.
I had emailed Spencer asking him to mail me my vet school materials, and I was anxious it might be a reply from him, but when I dug it from the front pocket of my hoodie, I felt something else. Something a lot like butterflies.
Deacon: Gus misses you but Cupcake is keeping him company.
There was a picture of the big guy snuggled up in the pink blanket I’d left on the couch, his snout tucked under one big paw. Cupcake was stretched out next to him.
Deacon: How is the great outdoors?
I snapped a photo of Zoe’s blackening marshmallows.
Willow: S’mores for dinner!
Deacon: You three really do camping right.
He sent a photo of a hockey romance from my nightstand I was about to start.
Deacon: I’m bored and started reading another one of your hockey romance novels. Not bad. You’re not going to abandon me for a goalie, are you?
Willow: No. Maybe a D-man, but not a goalie.
Deacon: Good. I’d miss you.
He sent a selfie of his forearm tucked over his nose like Gus, and I giggled, showing my screen to Zoe and Hollis.
“I’m not going to point out that silly little grin on your face,” Zoe said. “But what a sweet little grin it is,” she said, studying her marshmallows.
“Caused by Deacon, I’m guessing?” Hollis had walked toward our rented cooler and returned with beers.
“Kind of,” I said, trying to wipe the grin from my face. “I’m happy.”
I thought about Deacon letting go of the bike and how it felt to go forward on my own, knowing he was behind me but also appreciating the breeze on my face and the comfort that I could handle the bike beneath me.
He was becoming such a big part of moving forward for me, but sitting there by the fire with my friends, I realized he was part of it because I wanted him to be and not because I needed him to be.
“I’m re-doing all these things, but it’s about me, not Spencer.
Not Deacon. About how I feel, and I feel… good.”
Zoe set her skewer down so it was propped in the firepit and wrapped me in another big hug. “I love that for you.”
“Your marshmallows are going to fall off again!” I said from inside her hold.
“I don’t care.” She hugged me again, and I breathed in her familiar scent. She pulled back and placed both palms on my biceps. “Good is how you should feel.”
“I know,” I said. “It’s a relief that I can enjoy these things again. I’m going to be so ready for what comes next, like I can move on from having my heart broken in a way my mom didn’t get to.”
Zoe hugged me again.
“I think being apart from Spencer has really…” I weighed my words, because I had no s’more in my mouth, so I was tearing up.
“It’s helped me to see myself differently.
For so long, I was just waiting for him to call me and tell me he wanted me back.
I thought that I’d have a chance to go back to how things were. ”
“And now?”
“Now…I am starting to imagine how things could be.”
Zoe nodded and gave me another squeeze before grabbing her skewer from the ground. It was empty, and I offered to toast hers for her the next time. The look she shot me could cut through glass.
“The marshmallow of my dreams will find me, and I’m going to kick ass at vet school and not worry about relationships.”
She motioned to the fire where her lost treats were already ash. “The perfect one is worth the wait.”
“But sometimes the one right in front of you is good enough for now,” Hollis said, holding up a charred marshmallow. “You know, until whatever and whoever is out there for you shows up.”
“Hear! Hear!” Zoe said.
Deacon’s grin, the real one and not the smirk, floated through my mind, except I knew he wasn’t an option for several reasons. He didn’t want to be anyone’s option long term, but for now he was there and willing and wonderful.
“Because what’s out there are partners who are down to go down,” Zoe said.
Hollis’s expression was indignant. “He really said ‘gross’? You’re going to be so gloriously impressed when it’s your first time with someone good.”
I bit my lower lip and studied my marshmallow. “Yeah,” I said noncommittally, holding back the grin that threatened to spread across my face and spill my secret. “Maybe someday.”
Zoe took a pull from her beer. “Maybe we can find someone talented when we go looking for mountain men for me.”
“Stop trying to offer me to strange men in the woods!” I laughed.
“Strange men in the woods are eighty-nine percent more likely to be excellent lovers than known men in the city.”
I giggled and pulled my skewer from the fire. “Did you read that in Strange Man in the Woods Weekly?”
We were laughing when my phone buzzed again in my pocket.
“Another dog photo?” Zoe pulled her marshmallow from the fire, the flames licking up the side of her blackened treat. “Another man photo?”
I flipped the phone over and froze at the name flashing across the screen.
Zoe blew on her marshmallow, and her brow furrowed when she caught my expression. “Is Gus okay? Is it Cruz?”
“No.” I looked at the phone screen.
Spencer: I’ll send the materials tomorrow. How are you?
Spencer: Maybe we could catch up sometime?
My hands had shaken when I’d sent the message earlier in the day, and I expected a wave of something when I saw his name, but it never came.
A notification that I had another message from Deacon flashed on my screen, and I sent a thumbs-up reply to Spencer and toggled over to the thread with Deacon.
Deacon: Will you save me a s’more?
“Before Zoe ends up on the news or married to a sexy mountain man, can we take a picture?” I motioned for the girls to pull in close to me and took a selfie, marshmallows and beers in our hands.
The firelight cast a warm glow on our faces.
I tapped to send the photo to Deacon, and he hearted it almost immediately.
I laughed with Hollis as Zoe recounted a story about her boss and waited for Deacon’s reply. I felt loose enough that I was ready for some flirtatious banter over text, but when I looked at my phone, I didn’t know how to reply to what he’d sent.
Deacon: You look really happy, Low.
Deacon: You really shine when you’re happy.