Chapter 48
Deacon
Emi looked around the kitchen and pointed out for a third time that she and Marcus had both left food for me in the freezer, all portioned out.
“I do actually know how to adult all on my own,” I said, putting my arm around her.
“But thank you.” I’d decided to stay in the house alone for the year she would be away.
I could have always afforded it, but I wanted people around.
Now, I tried to adjust to the idea of being in the house with only Cupcake.
Marcus and Lila had taken off early that morning, and everything Emi was taking to Europe with her was packed into her car for her drive to visit her brother before flying out of the Minneapolis airport.
“I’m going to miss you,” she said, squeezing me.
“No one is going to proposition me when I’m in Europe. ”
“Give yourself some credit,” I said. “Someone will. I’ll put in a request.”
“Through the vast network of man whores?”
“It’s the International Brotherhood of Freelance Pleasure Delivery Experts. Thank you very much.” I walked her toward the car. “And my membership has been revoked.”
“I’m happy for you,” she said, tossing her purse on the front seat. “You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel all gooey inside.”
I opened my mouth, but she held a finger over it.
“No.” Emi was so surprisingly strong and held her finger in place. “No. Your membership was revoked. No disgusting jokes about the word ‘gooey.’ ”
I laughed against her finger. “I was actually going to say you do, too.”
She climbed into her car and spoke out the open window, her nose scrunched. “I would prefer a goo joke to that. You know I am allergic to relationships.” The engine revved to life, and she patted my arm. “But you’ve found a good one, I think.”
I stepped back. “Text me when you get there?”
She nodded and waved before backing out of the driveway and leaving me alone there. My roommates were gone, and it was just me and Cupcake. I took a step toward the house but paused when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
Willow: Cruz is on his way over.
I sent her a GIF of a kid wrapped in Bubble Wrap and added, “I’ll be ready.”
Willow: Will you let me know when you’re done? I want to meet you at the park.
I had no idea why the park was such a big deal for her, but I sent a thumbs-up emoji. I wanted to add more. I wanted to ask if we could skip the park and be done with these re-dos and just start fresh together.
“Check it out!” Jayden jogged from his yard to ours.
“Flip-flops!” I motioned to his boot-free leg and offered a high five. “Congratulations on getting out of the boot. Guess you won’t need me anymore.” I’d meant it, but the thought of not hanging out with him any longer made me feel a little sad.
“Nah, I’ll probably keep you around. Maybe we could still hang out sometime. You know, so I can keep beating you at chess, and maybe you can read my book when it’s done.”
I ran fingers through my hair, partially obscuring my face so he didn’t notice my cheesy-ass grin. Maybe Cruz was onto something about me doing work with kids.
A car pulled into the driveway, and Cruz climbed out of the driver’s seat, balancing on his crutches.
Jayden spoke from next to me. “Damn, man. Do you just keep a rotation of people with broken legs around?”
“Got a few minutes?” Cruz approached us, and his expression still looked stony.
I nodded. “Jayden, Cruz and I served together. Jayden is our neighbor.”
The teenager waved and then pulled his phone from his pocket as he jogged back to his own house, calling over his shoulder he’d crush me later.
“Your protégé?” Cruz followed me inside the house.
“Something like that.” I braced myself for what might come next with Cruz. Gus had loyally stood next to his owner, but Cupcake gave me a grunt as I stood, and then she curled back in to take a nap. I was left to my own devices.
“Are you gonna hit me again?” I stepped aside to give him room to get through the door with his crutches.
“I should.”
“You want a beer first?”
He nodded, and I motioned to the worn couch, grabbing two bottles from the fridge and returning to the room.
“Your face looks like shit,” he said, gaze skating over the bruised jaw and swollen eye.
“So does your hand.” I pointed at the bruises over his knuckles. “Guess both our dates will be disappointed.” I took a swig from the bottle and sat back on the couch next to my dog, who’d ceased giving a damn about me.
“I’m still too damn mad at you to laugh at that,” he said, raising his bottle. “But not bad.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” I said, leaning forward, forearms on my knees. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
“She said you love her. That true?”
I nodded. “I’ve never felt like this before.
And you have to know I fought it. Even when things got…
physical.” I started the sentence before I realized what I was copping to, but he was eyeing me warily and not angrily, so maybe Willow had told him some things.
I rushed forward. “Even then, I tried to stop feeling so…” I searched for the right word, and Emi’s came back to me. “Gooey about her.”
“Gooey? Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Cruz took a long pull from his beer. “I heard her offer to give up vet school for you.”
I’d been ready to tell her in no uncertain terms I didn’t want that, but then Cruz had walked in and everything fell apart. I shook my head. “She offered.”
“And you told her not to?”
“I was going to ask her not to, because she makes her own decisions.” I bristled at the idea of her giving up anything for me, of being even an iota like her ex, but I knew she’d hate the idea that we were sitting here discussing her future.
“She showed me her vet school application. Said you’d helped her with her statement.”
“I could probably recite it from memory,” I said. “She did a good job, I think. It’s almost done.”
Cruz nodded. “She added something to it this morning. Said she hit submit.”
I was relieved, mostly because I could picture her look of accomplishment after she submitted. I hoped she had “plan for the future” on her re-do list, because she was doing just that, regardless of what I wanted or Cruz thought. “Good,” I said. “Hope I get to see the final product.”
Cruz didn’t respond but rather switched topics. “If you hurt her, even a little, all the guys would help me take you out. Dougy, Simms, even that guy who got kicked out because he kept showing up hungover. The one with the worst jokes.”
I laughed. “Barkley,” I said, remembering the guy who was never sober until 9 a.m. After that, he’d crush every expectation and leave us all behind in any competition. “He’s actually good now. Got some help. He’s selling cars out in Tucson.”
“Well, I’m sure he’d drive over to help kick your ass, too, then.”
I raised my glass. “I would never, man. She’s…” I thought about her smile and her laugh and the way she looked when she talked about going to school. “She’s everything to me. If I ever let her down, please bring in the cavalry.”
Cruz nodded and took a pull from his bottle. “I guess that’s what we had to sort out, then.” He set it aside and let out a sigh. “We had a good run. You and me.”
A panic I thought I’d come to terms with rose in me, because being here with him, laughing, and shooting the shit and knowing the next thing that would come out of his mouth…
Willow was everything to me, but so was his friendship.
I thought I could sacrifice it, but I realized in that moment, I couldn’t let it go without a fight.
“You remember you once told me going back for me wasn’t a choice? It’s when I first moved back here and you were pretending I wasn’t blackout drunk every night.”
He snorted. “Who could pretend? I spent my entire leave driving your ass home after you disappointed half the women in the Des Moines metro area.”
“I don’t remember any complaints,” I said.
“That’s a testament to how drunk you were,” he said.
I laughed and relaxed into the couch. “You remember saying it, though? About going back.”
He sighed. “It wasn’t a choice. Going back is what we do. It’s especially what we do for each other. You know that. You’ve gone back a hundred times. Even when it’s not smart. Even when it’s not safe. It’s not a choice, it’s just…I don’t know. Part of who we are.”
“Exactly.” I tried to think about how to explain this to him.
“I knew this was a betrayal of our friendship. Willow tried to convince me it wasn’t, and I told myself you’d understand, or since she and I were both going our separate ways, it wouldn’t matter…
but in my heart, I knew I was betraying you because you’d asked me to make sure she was okay. ”
He looked at me levelly without speaking, and I pushed on.
“Falling in love with Willow wasn’t a choice, man.
If it was, I wouldn’t have made it. It wasn’t the smart thing to do or the safe thing to do, but it was the only option I had.
” I set my bottle aside and leaned forward.
“For ten years you’ve seen me sidestep even a whiff of anything serious, and you want better for her.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but it wasn’t a choice.
” I let out a slow breath, knowing the next words on my tongue could change so much.
“And if I have to lose you to keep her, I will, but I don’t want that, man.
I’m a selfish bastard, and I want you both in my life. ”
“Well,” he said, pausing with another long pull from his bottle. “I hope you get to read her full personal statement.”
I stood to take his bottle. “Another?” He nodded, but held on to the bottle when I grabbed it. He lifted his other fist.
“You decide to clock me after all?”
He shook his head. “No wind.”
I bumped mine against his—and the action had never felt so good in the entire time I’d known him. “No rain.”