Chapter 15
The impact never came, and when I finally mustered up the courage to peek through my eyelids, there was one particularly large, dark-haired man standing off to the side. I recognized the tattoos peeking above the edge of his uniform.
Otho was here.
“Yes, sir?” Askel asked, his entire demeanor transformed from just moments before, his back straightening and his lips pressing together as he turned to face his boss.
“Mr. Potson’s stuff has arrived. I request he go put everything away so it doesn’t clutter up the bunks.”
Askel frowned, but motioned for me to follow Otho.
My mouth was dry, and I wasn’t sure if it was because of the way Otho’s lips remained turned down at the corners as he led me away from the other soldiers, or because he had rescued me yet again.
I didn’t say anything as we walked inside, and just as I was about to ask a question, sure we were out of earshot of the other men, I spotted my bunk.
More specifically, I spotted who had been assigned to bring me my things.
Leif.
I picked up my pace, both relieved and excited to see him, for reasons I wasn’t even 100 percent certain of. Maybe it was just because he was familiar, or something.
I was so focused on reaching Leif, that I didn’t notice that Otho hadn’t entered the room with me. And it wasn’t until I was standing toe to toe with Leif that I realized he had disappeared entirely. Presumably back to his office.
“Hi,” Leif whispered. “Can I give you a hug?”
I nodded, and then I was pressed to his chest, the stress of the last day melting away.
“Are you okay?” he whispered into my hair.
“As okay as one can be,” I replied with a sigh, finally pulling back from our embrace. “Collum—”
“Is fine,” he assured me, as he held out the sack to me. “She was in your room when I went to collect your things.”
I tilted my head to the side. He must’ve gone early in the morning before Adis called her to read.
“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when Adis came,” he whispered, reaching up to place his hand on my cheek. I leaned into his touch. There was just something so comforting about the way his skin felt on mine.
Even if it wasn’t meant to last.
“It’s okay,” I whispered back. “I’m glad I could take the fall for everyone.”
He shook his head. “You shouldn’t have had to.”
Something about the way his eyes bored into mine forced me to look away, my hands reaching for my pack, for anything to do with them to make this moment less awkward.
“The good news is, now that you are here, we can spend more time together without your annoying cousin interfering.”
I stopped mid-pack. “Leif . . .” My lip quivered. “I go to the front lines in two days.”
Time stopped, the room so still that you could have heard a flea jump. Then Leif was grabbing my arms, turning me to face him, a look of pure horror on his face.
“Milo, no.” His eyes were glassy. Was he about to cry?
“It’s okay,” I replied, brushing off his grip. “I was living on borrowed time anyway.”
He shook his head, his hand rising to wipe at his face. “No, Milo, you don’t understand.” He paused, looking around the room to ensure we were alone. “I’m . . . I’m just going to come out and tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I frowned, confused why he was reacting so strongly to me leaving. We barely knew each other. Yes, I think we could have been friends in a perfect life, but there was no guarantee that would have worked out anyway.
“Milo . . . I think you’re my weighted.”
The words were sharp in the silent room, and my breath caught in my chest as my mind flew through my mental records of our previous conversation. We couldn’t be weighted . . . could we? After all, he thought I was someone else—
My hands had a mind of their own, coming up to pinch the bridge of my nose as shame spread through my limbs. I wasn’t his weighted. No, Leif would need to have the full truth about who I was for that to be possible.
“Say something.” He breathed at last, his gaze searching my face. “Please.”
I had the sudden urge to bite my nails, a habit I had long left behind in my younger years, but facing this type of information when he didn’t have the full story . . . “Leif, I’m sorry, but it’s . . . it’s not possible.”
He frowned at that. “Yes it is. I told you that it’s one of those things that Seekers just know . . .”
It took a moment for the revelation to sink in, then the air was swiped from my lungs once more. I felt dizzy.
“Sit down,” Leif urged, pulling me down on the bed next to him just as my vision began to darken at the edges.
“You’re . . . You’re . . .” The words wouldn’t come.
“Yes,” he whispered, his eyes darting around the room again to ensure we were alone. “You can’t tell anyone. If Adis knew . . .”
I nodded, trying to swallow, but my throat hadn’t recovered from the first part of our conversation yet. “And you think . . .”
His finger prodded under my chin, tilting my face to his. “I don’t think, I know.”
Then, before I could properly prepare myself, his lips were on mine, his arms coming to wrap around my back as he pulled my body flush with his.
Perhaps if it hadn’t been my first kiss, I would have enjoyed it more, but something about the fact that he thought he was in love with a lie made bile rise in my throat, filling me with guilt, and I pushed him away, gasping for air.
He reached for me, even as I leaned away, and I pressed my hand to his chest. “Wait . . . Leif . . . stop,” I gasped.
He immediately stopped reaching for me and scooted away. “Milo, I know this is scary.” He pleaded with me. “But I promise you probably feel it too, you just don’t know what to look for—”
“And you do?” My voice raised an octave, and I slapped a hand over my mouth, glancing around to ensure we were still alone before dropping it again. “Leif, it’s not that I don’t trust you—okay, well I don’t trust you, but that’s not why this scares me. Leif, you don’t know me.”
“What are you talking about, Milo? We talked in the pantry and by the lake and—”
I put my finger to his lips, my eyes widening as a shock went through them, but that was beside the point I was trying to make. “You can’t know I’m your weighted after just two conversations.”
“Three,” he corrected as he pushed my hand away from his face. He raised his eyebrows, an unreadable look on his face, “I don’t think you’re understanding.”
Finally recovered from the shock of hearing that he thought I was his weighted, and then his kiss, I returned my attention to my bag before realizing it was pointless, I was going to be leaving in two days anyway.
I reached beneath the bed, pulling out my assigned trunk, and shoved the whole bag in before pushing it back to its place.
When I righted myself once more, Leif was still there, his gaze fixed on me.
“It doesn’t matter anyway, Leif. This will all be over in a few days. You’ll find someone else, I promise.”
Leif shook his head, standing from the bed.
“I refuse to lose you so soon after finding you. I know you don’t believe me yet, but you will.
” He started to walk away, but paused and called over his shoulder, “I won’t let them take you from me.
I’ll be back.” And just like that, he was out the door and down the hall.
I stood from the bed, intending to follow, but then I stopped in my tracks. There was no reason to create any more drama or tension between us. It would be over in two days anyway. I was sure of it.
He would find someone else.
My chest pinched at the thought, but I rubbed the spot where it hurt and turned back to the task at hand.
Returning to the trunk I had just pushed out of sight, I pulled it open to grab the cloths I had been waiting on and then made my way to the washroom. Even though I knew that there was no way Leif was right, I couldn’t explain why my heart seemed to grow heavier with every step I took.
After changing my cloths, I wondered if it was better to return to the training grounds to receive another beating, or just hide out in my bunk, but it turns out it didn’t matter as when I stood from tucking my dirty cloths in my pack, Otho was there.
He stood by the end of my bunk, his arms crossed over his chest, his feet shoulder width apart, his narrowed gaze focused on me.
It was a soldier’s stance if I had ever seen one.
As my gaze arrived at his face, I startled.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen so much malice in his features.
This wasn’t the Otho I had last seen in the laundry room joking about bloody noses. No, this was someone else entirely.
“You’ll never make it as a soldier.” The words were firm, unyielding.
“You said that before.” I stood to my full height, which though it was impressive for a female, was nothing compared to the General.
His dark eyes searched my face, and I wondered briefly if he was looking for something specific. Then, “I’m going to train you to be a scout. You’ll still be on the front lines, but at least you will stand a chance, however slim.”
I restrained the sigh that rose up in my chest. I don’t know why it was so hard for people to understand that I was resigned in my fate.
I didn’t want to survive the front lines.
I just wanted a quiet cabin in the woods with lots of forest animals around.
And since that wasn’t an option in this life, I held desperately to the hope that it was in the next—something I would never find out if people kept trying to rescue me from my fate of death.
“Come,” Otho ordered, not giving any further instructions before he began moving. I followed silently, really tired of the fact that I had no control over my life, or destiny. Or anything, really.
I thought Otho was going to lead us outside, back to training, but instead, he led me into one of the most unassuming offices I had ever seen.
Granted, I hadn’t been in many, outside of those at the university, but his was more simple than that even.
In the center of the room there was a desk, much like the ones at the university, with a chair on one side and two chairs on the other.
The chairs looked out of place, thin rickety things that were liable to break if even a single soldier sat on them—even one as lightweight as me.
So as Otho closed the wooden door and sat in the chair behind the desk, I remained standing, resting my hands on the rough edge of the chair closest to the door.
As I watched the way he sat, shoulders back in a way that wasn’t proud but wasn’t ashamed either, my mind went back to the expressions on Friar’s face when I had last seen her. I wondered briefly about their relationship, but his voice snapped me from my thoughts.
“Sit,” Otho commanded as he shuffled some papers from the top of the desk.
I walked around the chair, sinking into it slowly. Surprisingly, the chair creaked but didn’t break—at least, not yet.
“Who is that man to you?” His voice was deep with a note of hostility running through it.
I don’t know what I was expecting a General to ask, but it certainly wasn’t that. It took me a moment to realize what man he was speaking of.
“Leif?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. When he nodded, I continued. “Nothing—he’s one of Adis’s stable boys. We met when I was . . .” I trailed off, grimacing at the memory of my abuse.
“Interesting.”
It was really hard to match this version of Otho with the one I had joked with in the laundry room as he saved me from my menses, and I immediately wondered if he had perhaps overheard anything.
Regardless, I wasn’t about to tell him the details of our conversation.
“It’s the truth. He may feel differently, but I leave for the front lines in two days, so it doesn’t matter. ”
Otho nodded, directing his attention back to papers. I assumed I had satisfied his curiosity.
“You will be a valuable scout to us.” He glanced up, perhaps to ensure I was still listening.
“As a woman.” I let out a gasp. “I know we cannot let Adis know your identity, so you will train as a male here. But when you leave for the front lines, I will escort you and we will have you arrive there as a female. I will report your tragic, untimely death to Adis, and you will continue working as an off-record spy for me. Understood?”
The last word was a question, but the rest was a statement. I opened my mouth to argue, about to tell him about my silly dream of a house in the woods when I realized . . .
This was it. This was the opportunity I had been waiting for. I would finally get to live my own life, exactly who I was. Milo would have his own life, and I would have mine.
“Understood?” he prodded again. I had been silent for far too long.
“Yes, sir,” I replied, fighting to keep the smile off my lips as he delved into the details of what would be expected from me as a scout.
My mind flipped back to Friar for a moment, wondering if she would be coming with us as his partner, but I knew it was inappropriate for me to ask those types of details.
Though I had to admit it would be nice to spend time with Friar as my true self rather than the version of myself who was also Milo.
He didn’t smile, though, and he gave no indication that was the answer he wanted. Rather, he continued his explanation of what I would learn over the next few days.
As I listened and soaked it all in, I felt my shoulders relaxing at the thoughts of my future—the future I never thought I would get to have.
I was finally going to get to be me.