Chapter 15 #3
He smiled. ‘No, but you’re drawn to it at a subconscious level – to the leader of the pack, the dude with the biggest balls or the best hunting skills or whatever.’
‘I think humans have evolved a bit past all that.’
Roly shook his head. ‘It’s just what’s seen as desirable has changed, because we’ve progressed. Guys can afford to chase after models now; whereas in olden times, we’d have had to look for someone with wide, child-bearing hips who could win a fight with a bear. But it’s the same basic instinct.’
Ella laughed. ‘And I’m free to date a dweeb like Andrew instead of some muscle-bound caveman?’
‘Exactly! Though I think you can do better.’
Ella smiled, secretly pleased. ‘What do you suppose the two of them are talking about right now?’
‘The sex life of the dung beetle? Fourth wave feminism?’
‘How do you know about fourth wave feminism?’
‘Why, is it supposed to be a secret?’
Ella laughed again. ‘By now they’ve probably moved on from the Ariana’s Boudoir spring/summer collection and are discussing the finer points of existentialism.’
‘And existentialism is…?’
‘You know, the idea that existence precedes essence.’
‘Of course.’ Roly nodded sagely.
‘Because there’s no God.’
‘Goes without saying.’
‘So there’s no such thing as human nature.’
Roly reared back, eyebrows raised. ‘Who says?’
‘Jean-Paul Sartre, among others.’
‘Does he indeed? Bloody cheek! And who’s he when he’s at home?’
‘Boyfriend of Simone de Beauvoir.’
‘Poor cow. He sounds like a right barrel of laughs. Well, Pippa won’t be having that.’
‘The idea that there’s no such thing as human nature?’
‘Yeah. I told you she loves the Discovery Channel; David Attenborough and all that.’
‘So?’
‘Well, she’d probably say what makes us so special? If hippos and wombats and stuff can have a nature, why can’t we?’
‘Good point, Pippa.’ Ella drained her mug.
‘We’re all just mammals when it comes down to it, aren’t we, Andy?’ He mimicked Pippa’s voice and fluttered his eyelashes coquettishly.
Ella giggled. ‘And Andrew will say he never thought of it like that, and forget all about Sartre because he’s drooling so hard.’
‘Do you miss all that?’
‘What?’
‘Discussing philosophy and stuff.’
‘Not really.’
‘I mean, I’ll give it a go if you want.’
She shook her head. ‘It’s all just going around in circles really – discussing theories and abstract concepts. It doesn’t make anything happen. Nothing gets created or changed. I’d rather talk about real life.’
Andrew had never tired of those earnest undergraduate discussions, the enervating afternoons spent sitting around dissecting the ideas of Kant, Nietzsche or Adorno.
She’d found it stimulating up to a point, after which it made her twitch with longing to go outside and feel the cold, sharp air on her skin; to run until her lungs were bursting and her heart pounding with energy and life; to swim and swim in an ice-cold sea.
‘You don’t think they’re getting off with each other right now, do you?’ Roly asked.
‘No,’ Ella said, trying to imbue the word with more conviction than she felt.
‘One thing leads to another…’
‘Yeah. Maybe she’ll flash him again.’
‘Sorry about that.’
Ella shrugged. ‘Not your fault.’
‘You could flash me, if you like.’ He raised an eyebrow, grinning. ‘Get your revenge.’
Ella grinned. ‘Nice try. How is that getting my revenge?’
‘Like Pippa said, sauce for the goose…’
Their eyes met, and Ella’s breath caught. Roly’s gaze dropped to her lips and for a moment she thought he was going to kiss her. Suddenly all she could think of was his beautiful mouth, how warm and soft it looked and how much she wanted to kiss it.
‘Are you still in love with her?’ She was surprised to hear herself saying that. She hadn’t planned it. It had just come out.
‘What?’ Roly seemed as taken aback by the question as she was.
‘You sound… fond when you talk about her.’
He frowned, a slow smile curling the corners of his mouth. ‘I dunno. I guess I still have… feelings for her.’
‘Feelings in your pants?’
He rolled his eyes. ‘Shut up! Why do you have to bring everything down to sex?’
She shrugged. ‘Human nature, innit?’ She fluttered her eyelashes, and Roly collapsed in laughter.
‘What about Andrew?’
‘What about him?’
‘Are you still in love with him?’
She considered. It was a question she’d been asking herself a lot lately. ‘I don’t know. I think I could be… in time. Sometimes I wonder if I already am. But then I don’t know if I’m just remembering how I used to feel or if it’s actually how I feel now.’ She frowned. ‘It’s complicated.’
Made even more confusing by the fact that she’d wanted Roly to kiss her just now.
Shit! Was she starting to fancy him? She supposed she always had a bit, but it wasn’t something she’d nurtured.
She’d never expected anything to happen between them, for a whole variety of reasons, so she hadn’t given it life, let it breathe.
She’d put it out of her mind and got on with being friends.
But that had been easy when she’d hardly seen him.
He hadn’t been a real presence in her life, just an occasional visitor.
Now they were together every day, it wouldn’t be so easy to ignore.