Chapter 38
‘Do you think she’ll be okay?’ Ella asked as they walked away.
‘Yeah.’ He dug his hands into his pockets. ‘She’ll bounce back. She always does.’
‘You were so good with her. You really cheered her up.’
‘I just wish… I wish she didn’t keep having to pick herself up again. God, I could kill those bastards! It’s not fair. I’ve seen her getting knocked back so many times, and it… it just kills me, you know?’
‘I know. It’s awful. She’s so lovely.’
‘Thanks for coming with me. It was better with you there.’ He took her hand. ‘It’s always better with you there.’
Ella wasn’t sure what to make of it, but it was nice. She stopped at the corner. ‘Well, I guess I should get a cab. Are you walking?’
‘Yeah.’ It was almost eleven, but it was still bright. ‘Come home with me? I want to talk.’
Ella’s heart picked up a beat. He’d already said all the worst things. Talking could only be good. ‘Okay.’
He smiled and they walked on, hand in hand in silence.
‘How are rehearsals going with Oh Boy!?’ she asked.
‘Oh yeah. I quit.’
‘What?’ she gasped. ‘You quit? Why?’
He shrugged. ‘Been there, done that. I decided it’s not what I want any more.’
‘Oh.’
‘I think the memories are better than the reality. I’d rather remember the good stuff and leave it in the past, where it belongs.’
Ella nodded. ‘I know what you mean. I went back to work in Trinity.’
‘You did? You left Citizens?’
‘For all of five minutes. I’m back there now. I missed it too much.’ She could hardly concentrate on the conversation, too aware of Roly’s hand wrapped around hers. ‘Was Vince mad when you quit?’
‘Vince was apoplectic. I wish you’d been there. If spontaneous combustion was a real thing, he’d have done it.’
Ella laughed. She was glad they were back to their old ways, talking nonsense to each other. But at the same time, she felt they were skirting around what they really needed to talk about. Too soon, they got to Roly’s house.
‘Come in?’ he asked, jerking his head towards the gate.
‘Okay,’ she nodded. She felt a pang as she followed him inside. She’d loved living here with him. She’d loved coming home with him after a night out, when his house was her home too.
‘Do you want tea, coffee? I don’t have any wine since you moved out.’
‘No, thanks. I’m fine.’
She yawned as they sat down together on the couch.
‘Sorry, are you tired? Do you want to leave this to another night?’
‘No.’ She shook her head vehemently. She’d never get to sleep now anyway, wondering what ‘this’ was.
Roly ran a hand through his hair, and she suddenly noticed how weary he looked. ‘It’s been kind of a long day.’
‘Yeah, and stressful. If you’d rather I go—’
‘No.’ His eyes were wide, almost panicked as he raised them to her. ‘Stay. Please.’
‘Okay.’
‘So, I just wanted to say sorry for being such a shit to you when I found out, you know… about what you did.’
‘It’s fine. I deserved it.’
‘No. You didn’t. I was so angry—’
‘Understandably.’
‘But I think maybe part of me was glad to have someone else to blame. It was a relief.’
‘How so?’ She frowned.
‘Because the worst thing about what happened was knowing I’d done it to myself. It’s like, what ruined your life wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done differently that would have changed it. But me – I threw it all away. It was all my own choices.’
‘You don’t choose to be an addict. It’s an illness too.’
‘But you only get it by making stupid choices in the first place. So it was a relief to have someone else to blame. I was angry at myself, and I took it out on you.’
‘If you want to beat yourself up for messing up your life, then you should give yourself credit for turning it around too. They were also choices you made, going to rehab—’
He gave a derisory laugh.
‘Okay, so you didn’t want to go in the first place. But you stayed. You stuck with it. Maybe other people forced your hand and helped you get sober. But you stayed sober. You did that yourself. You got fit, you wrote amazing songs, you got your career back on track. You did all that.’
He gave a small smile. ‘With a little help from my friends.’
‘We all need a bit of help now and then. But if you want to take responsibility for your life choices, take it for the good stuff too. Own it. You should be proud of yourself, Roly.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And by the way, my life isn’t ruined,’ she said quietly.
His eyes glistened. ‘Neither is mine. And that’s thanks to you.’
Her eyes welled up with tears and she shook her head, her throat too clogged to speak. Because there was so much tenderness and love in his eyes, and he hadn’t said it yet, but she felt it was out there, hovering just out of reach – forgiveness.
‘I’ve been thinking about something Pippa said recently.’
Oh great, she was going to get the Wisdom of Pippa. Way to ruin the moment, Roly.
‘She said I’d never know what my life might have been like if you hadn’t done what you did that night. I’ll never know what might have happened if that photo hadn’t gone public. And she’s right – I won’t.’
‘I’m so sorry—’ she began, but he held up a hand to stop her.
‘But I do know what happened when you did,’ he continued.
‘I know that I’m sober and solvent, and doing creative work that I love and that I’m really fucking proud of.
’ He took a shaky breath. ‘And I know that my best friend is a woman who loves me no matter what and doesn’t care if I’m a big pop star or working in a crummy cafe or even living on benefits.
A woman who’ll do what she thinks is best for me, even if it means losing something she wants. ’
He reached out and took her hand. ‘I have a life that I love and a best friend who’s always been there for me, even though there were times when we didn’t see each other for ages, and you probably thought I’d forgotten about you.
And maybe I had on some level. But subconsciously I always knew you were out there somewhere, keeping the plane up.
Deep down I always knew you’d be there, waiting for me.
Like a home I could always go back to. You’re my home, Ella. ’
She stifled a sob, tears spilling onto her face.
‘You’re the only thing I lost from back then that I miss, the only bit of my old life that I want back.
’ He smiled wearily. ‘And I’ve hardly slept since you left, so will you please move back in with me?
And will you please stay here tonight, and come to bed with me?
I need my brainiac friend to keep the plane up so I can sleep, because I’m fucking wrecked! ’
She was too choked up to speak, so she just nodded, smiling through her tears.
‘I love you so much, Ella.’
‘I love you too,’ she sobbed when she’d caught her breath.
He pulled her into his arms and they kissed and kissed as they clung to each other – long, slow, languorous kisses that seemed to go on forever.
‘Just one thing, though,’ she said when they finally broke apart. ‘There’s something I feel I should tell you. That thing about keeping the plane up? You kind of make me feel the opposite.’
‘What, that the plane is going to crash?’ His eyes were wide with alarm.
She laughed, shaking her head. ‘No. That I can just let go and everything will be okay. It’ll stay in the air whether I’m paying attention or not, and I don’t need to concentrate at all. So I can just relax and enjoy the ride.’
He grinned and pulled her into his arms. ‘Wow, we’re not compatible at all, are we?’
‘Not even a little bit.’
‘So, what do you say? Give it a go anyway?’
‘Why not?’
‘I can’t think of a single reason.’
* * *
I Found
‘Hi!’
Ella looked up from her book. Roly Punch. He was sitting right in front of her desk on a chair turned around backwards. On top of it, his chin rested on his folded arms. She wondered how long he’d been there. He grinned at her.
‘Hi,’ she said, puzzled. Why was he talking to her? They never talked.
She looked around the classroom. Everyone was in their usual groups.
His gaggle of friends were huddled by the door, talking among themselves.
Why had Roly suddenly decided to pay attention to her?
He was the most popular boy in their year.
Was it just that he was a completist and she was the only person in the class he hadn’t won over yet with his charm and charisma?
He needed to be friends with everyone, so he had to squeeze her in before time ran out?
She hoped he wasn’t taking pity on her because her best friend Julie wasn’t in today.
She and Julie may be the class swots, but it wasn’t as if they were social outcasts.
There were other people she could spend break with if she chose to.
She’d just wanted to get on with her book.
‘So, Ella. I thought we should talk.’
‘Why?’
He shrugged. ‘We never talk.’ He cocked his head to the side. ‘Why do you think that is?’
‘Because we’re not friends?’
‘Well, we can fix that right now. We’ve got’ – he checked his watch – ‘fifteen minutes until the bell goes.’
‘Isn’t it a bit late for making friends? School’s over in two months.’
‘So?’
‘So then we never see each other again.’
‘Just like that? After all we’ve been through together?’
She laughed. ‘Not much point now, is there?’
‘It’s never too late.’
She hesitated a moment. ‘Okay, then.’ She closed her book. ‘What do you want to talk about?’
‘Hmm. Let’s see.’ He tapped the top of his chair. ‘We could discuss the themes of class and patriarchy in Wuthering Heights. Or the effects of the famine on Irish society from 1850 to… a date of your choosing.’
‘Is this just a ploy to pick my brain for the exams?’
Roly laughed. ‘No, it’s honestly not. I’m only doing the Leaving to keep my mum happy.’
‘Really? You’d have dropped out before it?’
‘Yeah. I don’t see the point. I mean, I’m not going to college, so why do I need to know all this random stuff?’
Roly had famously aced an audition earlier in the year to be in one of those manufactured boy bands put together by a music mogul, and they were already taking off. He was going straight from school into a ready-made music career.
‘Still, your mum’s right. An education is never a loss. You’ll always have something to fall back on.’
‘Yeah, I can talk about my aunt’s pen in fluent French. Où est la plume de ma tante,’ he said in an exaggerated French accent. ‘Voici la plume de ma tante! That’ll get me far.’
She shrugged. ‘You never know. It could come in handy.’
‘Not really, I don’t have an aunt.’
She laughed. ‘Well, for chatting up girls in Paris, then.’
‘I still don’t have an aunt.’
‘The girls in Paris don’t know that.’
He laughed. ‘Want a Rolo?’ He produced a crumpled half tube from his pocket and offered it to her.
‘Thanks.’
‘Sorry, they’re a bit melty.’
She licked chocolate off her fingers as she popped one in her mouth. It was warm from his pocket.
‘No soeur or frère either,’ he said, chewing his sweet. ‘Only child.’ He jerked a thumb at himself.
How had she not known that about Roly? But she supposed there was a lot she didn’t know about him.
‘How about you?’
‘Same. No brothers or sisters. I do have an aunt, though.’
‘Show-off! She’s the other woman who comes to concerts and stuff sometimes with your mum?’
‘Yeah. My Aunt Nora.’
‘I thought maybe she was your mum’s… partner. You know, that you had one of those “Ella has two mums” set-ups.’
She shook her head. ‘No. Just one mum and one aunt.’
‘Well, I’ve got one mum and one nan. So I guess we’re even.’ He picked up the book on her desk and turned it over. ‘Middlemarch. Any good?’
‘Yeah. I like it.’
‘That Dorothea was a bit up herself, though, wasn’t she?’
‘You’ve read it?’ She was amazed. It wasn’t one of their set texts, and Roly never showed much enthusiasm in English class. She couldn’t see him reading Victorian novels in his spare time.
‘No. I saw the TV series. My mum loves all those costume dramas. I mean, I was on my PlayStation, but I was in the same room, so I got the gist.’
‘Dorothea meant well. She was just a bit naive. And she married the wrong person.’
He nodded. ‘Classic schoolboy error.’
‘Yeah, schoolboys are notorious for rushing into bad marriages!’ She laughed.
‘She definitely didn’t deserve that bloke she married, though. What was his name again?’
‘Casaubon.’
‘Yeah. What a tool! He kind of reminds me of my mum’s boyfriend, actually.’
‘Oh? Is he… an academic or something?’
‘Nah, just that he’s a nob and she can’t see it.’
The electronic bell sounded for the next class and everyone started shuffling back to their seats.
‘So, what do you say, Ella? Friends?’ Roly held out his hand.
‘Why not?’ She shook his hand and he grinned at her like he’d just won a prize.
‘I’ll see you around.’
‘Yeah. See you.’
She watched as Roly walked away. Nothing had changed. It wasn’t as if she thought they were going to be best friends now. She wouldn’t suddenly become one of his inner circle. Everything would go on just the same as before until school ended and they all went their separate ways.
But something had shifted inside her. It was as if a veil had been lifted and she’d caught a glimpse of the world as it really was, and it was different to how she’d thought. It burst inside her like an epiphany, a little explosion of relief and joy: nothing was set in stone.
Roly looked back and smiled at her as their eyes met. Then he turned away again, but the sunshiny feeling remained. She felt as if anything could happen.
* * *