Chapter 9
AYLA
I can’t believe I got Carson to agree to come to the party.
And pretend we’re still together. This takes so much pressure off me.
I feel the anxiety in my stomach settle over the next few days as I work, go to the gym and punch a bag, run around buying decorations, Nonna’s gift, and…
a new dress. I hadn’t planned on that, but somehow now I feel I need one.
The suitable dresses in my wardrobe are from years ago, before I got pregnant. Something new will be fun.
I’ve talked to a realtor and also looked at a couple of condos.
And I have to help my mom because she has picked this time to get the hardwood floors in their house refinished and everything has to be packed up and moved.
My sisters Elisa and Bria both live in Chicago, so they’re no help, and Dad is working.
As we move things and carry boxes, Mom says, “It’s going to be so fun to see the whole family at the party!”
“Almost the whole family. Uncle Frank and Aunt Christie aren’t coming from Italy.”
She sighs. “I guess that’s understandable. But all my girls will be there!”
“Yep!” Elisa and Bria are coming together. “I hope Emilio’s kids behave.”
Mom makes a face. “Those kids are terrors.”
“We’ll have to take them out tobogganing and tire them out.”
“I was skeptical of having the party there at that resort. But I guess it’s good there’s a lot to do.”
We work in silence for a moment. Then I say, “There’s something I have to tell you.”
Mom pauses. “What?”
“Carson is coming.”
Mom’s mouth drops open and her eyes fly open wide. “What? Really?” Then she beams. “Does this mean…”
“No!” I take a breath. “Nonna doesn’t know we’re separated.”
Mom nods. She knows this. “And most of the family.”
“Right. So he’s going to come so Nonna will think we’re still together.”
Mom narrows her eyes at me.
“I’ll tell her later. After the party.”
Now Mom studies me with a small crease between her eyebrows. “You two still talk?”
“Sometimes. Not often. I’m, uh, selling the house so I needed to touch base with him about it.”
“What! Ayla, what’s going on? You love that house!”
“I know.” I repeat my explanations about why I want to move even though the truth is, I want to be totally free of Carson. After the party. I just have to deal with being around him for a few days and then I’ll never have to see him again.
“It is a big house,” she concedes.
I tell her about the condos I looked at. “They were pretty nice. I could see myself there. I’ll have to downsize a lot.”
“That’s a big job.”
“It is.” It almost overwhelmed me when I realized all that was entailed in moving to a smaller place. But I’m good at getting things done. Over the last few days, I’ve been making lists and a plan.
Then it’s Wednesday morning and Carson pulls into the driveway to pick me up and drive us to the Catskills.
“I’ve got everything here,” I tell him, pointing to the boxes and bags on the floor of the foyer.
“Holy shit.”
“We’re going all out.”
“Uh huh. Okay.” He starts carrying things to load them into the back of his Infiniti SUV. I help, but he’s stronger and faster and soon has most of the stuff packed up. I can do this stuff on my own… but this reminds me that it’s nice to have help.
Ugh.
I grab my big tote bag and jump into the passenger seat and we’re off. Carson has the route mapped out on the screen in the car.
Sitting together in the SUV, all toasty warm compared to the outside temperature, close enough to touch, I become aware of Carson and the faint scent of his aftershave, one I recognize and know is expensive because I used to buy it for him.
Musk and spice and dark vanilla. I loved to bury my face in the side of his neck, against his warm skin, and breathe in that scent.
Now I’m looking at his hands on the steering wheel. He has big hands. Long, lean fingers. Short, neat nails. He used to pick me up with those hands. Spin me in bed with those hands. Hold my hips while he…
“You okay?”
I blink and glance at Carson. “Yeah. Fine.”
Yikes. What the hell was that? Carson’s an attractive man, so I guess it’s understandable that I’d notice that. It doesn’t mean anything. I definitely don’t still have feelings for the man who wasn’t there for me when I needed it most.
When we get onto Highway 24, small flakes of snow start falling.
“I didn’t check the weather,” I say. “I should have checked the forecast.” I pull my phone out and bring up the weather app. “Oh boy. There’s a storm coming this way.”
My nervousness about driving returns like a blast of wind.
“We’ll get there,” Carson says reassuringly. “It’s not far.”
But his hands clench on the wheel. Is he nervous, too? He never told me that after the accident but… he didn’t tell me a lot of things about how he was feeling.
“Right.”
Carson’s a good driver. He grew up in the mountains in Canada. I don’t blame him for what happened that day, when he was driving. The accident wasn’t his fault. But still… my insides twist into several complicated knots.
I read more. Rain changing to snow, blustery and windy conditions spreading from west to east across the state… moderate to heavy snow possible as well as stronger gusty winds.
I press my fingers to my mouth. Yikes.
I assiduously watch the road for any hazards as we speed along the highway, as attentive as if I was driving, fingers clasped tightly around my phone.
I don’t want the weather to cause problems for Nonna’s party.
Everyone’s been looking forward to this for months.
A big family reunion, lots of food and love and laughter.
“Stop worrying,” Carson says. “It’ll be fine.”
“You don’t know it will be fine.”
We’ve had this conversation a million times. I know he’s trying to reassure me, but sometimes, it feels like he’s dismissing my worries. I’m not going to let it bother me this time. I just let it go.
We make stilted small talk until we’re there.
Carson’s very focused on the highway also, his jaw set like a brick.
We pass through the town of Heppawa, then take an exit and follow a winding road through a forest, the trees with snow-covered branches.
The mountains are shrouded in low clouds, the entire landscape so devoid of color, it looks like a black and white image.
Then we arrive at the resort—and it’s stunning.
In all the gray and white of the storm, the main building is a bright-red barn-like structure with lots of white-framed windows and a thick layer of white snow on the roof.
“Oh, this is so pretty.” I gaze around as Carson parks.
“We made it,” he says.
I shoot him a dry smile as I open the door and jump out. “I had no doubt.”
“Ha.”
The snow is falling even thicker and faster here. I took off my jacket in the car, but I grab it now and shove my arms into the sleeves as I jog toward the entrance.
I check us in and it’s only then I realize Carson and I are going to have to share a room.
I mean, cottage. This flusters me for a second, but the manager of the resort, Norm, is there welcoming us and talking to me about all the arrangements and suggesting we meet later this afternoon to review the plans, so I have to put that disturbing thought aside for now.
I get our keys and Norm gives us directions to Mountain View Cottage. Now I’m getting nervous about sharing this space with Carson. What the hell was I thinking?
As we walk to the car, Carson says, “Does Norm know you’re married?”
“Uh… what?”
“He was looking at you like he wants to smash you like a pumpkin the day after Halloween.”
My jaw sags. “What!”
He shrugs, his mouth in a disgruntled twist. “I said what I said.”
“That’s ridiculous.” I’ll admit, Norm is younger and hotter than I expected from talking to him on the phone, but he was completely businesslike. As was I.
“It’s not ridiculous. He thinks you’re smoking hot.”
“And married,” I remind him.
“Yeah, except you’re really not,” he replies grouchily.
I throw up my hands as he opens the back hatch of his vehicle. “Well, I may as well be for this weekend. You think I’m going to move on some guy here? With my ‘husband’ here? Jesus.”
“What do you need for tonight?” Carson barks. “Can we leave things here?”
I give him a long look. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He shakes his head.
“Wheeeew.” I turn to the vehicle. “Yeah, we can leave stuff here; I guess it’s safe? I just need my suitcase.” I reach for it, but he grabs it first and hauls it out, then hoists his own suitcase. “And these bags.” I grab some supplies I got for the cottage.
I walk to the door while he carries the luggage through the snow.
The cottages are all different, and quaint, although not luxurious.
Ours has a small veranda with wicker chairs.
I open the door and enter. It’s a studio with one bed and one bathroom; I didn’t think I’d need more than that when I booked, obviously.
But it has a sitting area with a couch and chairs.
I cast a look at the king-size bed and sigh inwardly.
We stomp snow off our feet and remove our boots and jackets.
“So I gather I’m not getting my own room?” Carson says, echoing my thoughts.
I wince. “Well, that would look kind of odd, since we’re ‘married’.” I make the air quotes.
He rubs his forehead. “Yeah. Although nobody else is here yet. When’s the rest of the family coming?”
“Friday.” I eye him. “Do you want to see if there’s another cottage available tonight? Or maybe we could move to a two bedroom? No, that’s weird.”
“Shit, I don’t know. It doesn’t seem worth it. I can sleep on the couch.”
Carson is six foot two inches. He’s not going to fit on that little couch. But I’m not going to argue with him. He can scrunch himself up.
Then I feel bad for thinking that. He’s here. He’s helping me. I sigh. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Our eyes meet. We’re both prepared to fight.
“We can arm wrestle for it,” he finally suggests.
We used to do that. I could never win. My biceps are puny compared to his. But it made us laugh. It was our inside joke.
“I’ve been working out,” I tell him.
He huffs out a laugh. “Oh well… now I’m worried.”
I roll my eyes.
“Why are we here so early?”
“I have things to do.”
“Like what?”
“Well.” I plop my butt down on the couch. “I have to make the calendar and—”
“Hold up. Calendar?”
“Yes. The schedule of events.”
He blinks and slowly sits in a chair. “Events.”
“Yes. I told you we’re doing all kinds of events. Trivia night. Card games. Afternoon tea. Family Olympics out on the skating rink and maybe tobogganing races.”
“Jesus.”
“And I have to finish the slide show I started. I’m going to play it at the party Saturday night. The photographer is coming Saturday evening to do a family photo. I have to put that on the calendar, too, so everyone knows where and when.”
“Coming from where?”
“Poughkeepsie.”
He nods, looking a little dazed.
“Tomorrow, we can decorate the pavilion. That’s where the party will be. And I have to go to Heppawa Saturday morning to get the balloons filled.”
“Is it… a lot of balloons?”
“Yes. I have two balloon chains.”
“I don’t even know what that is.”
“I’ll show you!” I pull out my phone and swipe until I find the image from the store. I go sit beside him. “Like this.”
He studies the image of purple, white, and silver balloons of various sizes fastened together into an arch. “Wow.”
“Purple is Nonna’s favorite color. I’ve made sure she wears a purple dress for the party.”
He shakes his head. “Of course you have.”
“These are the flowers being delivered from Poughkeepsie.” I show him more images of mauve and cream roses, hydrangeas, and stocks. “But I have some artificial flowers too for the table centerpieces.”
“All right. There’s a lot to do.”
“Yes.” I check the time on my phone. “Are you hungry? We could have dinner and then I can work on the slide show.”
“Yeah. I’m hungry.”
“Okay. The café is back in the lodge where we checked in. I just want to wash up first.”
My suitcase is still sitting by the door. I look around and spy two luggage racks over by the bed, so I drag my case over. Before I can hoist it up, Carson is there, taking it from me and lifting it like it’s a bag of potatoes.
“Thanks.” I unzip it and pull out my toiletry bag and take it into the bathroom.
I brush my hair and freshen up my make-up in front of the big mirror.
My nervousness returns. While I was telling Carson about the party plans, I kind of forgot he’s my ex-husband.
It’s weird; for a few minutes there, it just felt natural to be here with him.
I guess because we spent so much time together, it’s kind of like muscle memory? It just felt normal.
It’s not normal. But I better be able to act like it is to pull this off.