Chapter 21 #2
“I thought you might want to have solo time with Nonna.”
“No! Come with me. She’ll want to see you, too.”
“Okay.”
There are no scheduled activities for today.
Some families are staying until later; some have probably already checked out and left.
We first stop by the cottage where Nonna is staying with Uncle Vince and Aunt Melissa, and we walk with her to the pavilion.
It’s snowing lightly again and I want to make sure she doesn’t slip and fall.
The pavilion is quiet this morning. A buffet breakfast is set up so we first find a table and get Nonna settled, then Carson and I go fill plates, including one for her.
“Make sure I get pancakes!” she calls to us. “With extra butter! And lots of bacon!”
I grin and give her a thumbs up.
“How is she still alive when she eats all that butter and bacon?” Carson asks in a low voice, amusement tugging his lips.
“We’re not sure what the secret of her long life is. I’ll ask her.”
So I do.
“Oh, I love it when people ask me that! Well, I’ll tell you.” She leans forward. “The secret to a long life is to not die.”
We both crack up.
“Nonna! I was serious.”
“I really don’t know the secret. I don’t think there is one.
I just know that I have always tried to be grateful for everything I have.
Some days, it’s little things, but there’s always something to be grateful for.
And that makes you a helluva lot happier than being sad or mad about what you don’t have. ”
“I love that.”
“It’s not all great, living so long.”
“Oh.”
“I hate being a burden to people.”
“You’re not!”
“I am. Again, realistic. I have arthritis, heart disease, and my memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. My blood pressure is excellent, though.”
I chuckle.
“And when you get this old, you outlive a lot of people.”
“You outlived three of your children.”
“Yes.” Her lips droop. “That is true.”
“That must be hard.”
“My children all lived to a good age. Antonio was seventy, Renzo was seventy-one. But yes, it’s hard to lose a child.” She looks at me shrewdly. “You have experienced that yourself.”
Oh. “Yes. That’s true.” I glance at Carson. Finally, someone mentioned it.
“I don’t think you can compare grief.” Nonna cuts a piece of pancake. “Nobody’s grief is bigger or worse than someone else’s. But when you lose a young child… a baby… you also lose that “what might have been.” The life you never got to have with Kane. And that grief lasts forever.”
“That’s true.” Look at me talking about this without breaking into tears. I glance over at Carson again. He’s staring at his plate, frowning.
“Sometimes, people rush to get rid of grief because they think it’s holding onto loss. But the truth is, grief is hanging on to love, and that’s why you’ll always have it.”
“Yes.” My throat tightens. “So much love. All the love I want to give, but can’t now.”
Carson still won’t look at me.
“That’s right,” Nonna says. She reaches over and pats my hand. “But love is bigger than grief. And you are stronger. Losing your son like that has changed you.”
I nod mutely.
“Maybe in ways you don’t see,” she adds. “You are resilient. I think wiser.”
“I don’t feel wise.” I make a face. “I feel like a nobody. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.”
“You’ll figure it out. You have so much love, dolcezza. Your love for family is immense. And wonderful. You do so much for everyone. Especially me. Your purpose in life doesn’t have to be huge to make a big difference.” She looks between Carson and me. “Are you two planning to have another child?”
Only she would ask that question.
“Uh…” My eyes widen a bit in panic. “We haven’t… We don’t know…”
“No?” She tilts her head. “That seems an important thing to talk about.”
I swallow. “Well, yes.”
“I’ve loved seeing you together here.” Nonna beams. “You two are both beautiful people, on the inside and the outside. And you’re so in love. It makes my heart happy.”
Oh shit. My insides cramp up. Now I’m the one staring at my plate, although I’m uninterested in food at this moment.
“And I’m so glad you had each other to get through such a difficult time,” she goes on. “That will only make your relationship stronger. I love you both and I’m glad you’re happy together.”
I tug at the neck of my turtleneck sweater, my stomach churning. I peek at Carson. He lifts his gaze at the exact same moment and our eyes meet. He looks like someone is twisting a skate blade into his back.
I drop my gaze back to my waffle, casting about for something to say in response to Nonna’s comments. “Well…” I start. I fork a piece of waffle into my mouth and chew.
Nonna watches me curiously.
I swallow. “Yes,” I finally say. Something stabs my stomach. “No.” I close my eyes.
“What do you mean?” Nonna asks.
I can’t do this. I can’t keep lying to Nonna. Once more, I look to Carson for help. This time, he meets my gaze steadily in flat-lipped silence.
My chin drops to my chest. “Nonna, I have to tell you something.”
“What is it, dolcezza?” She sets down her fork.
“We… Carson and I…” This is even harder to explain now. “We’ve been separated for almost a year.”
I expect more of a reaction from her. Her forehead creases, though, and she tilts her head.
I rush on. “We’re getting a divorce.” I think. “The divorce will be final when we’ve been separated for a year. I asked him to come this weekend because I knew you would want to see him, and I didn’t want to give you this news on your birthday, and—”
“Ayla.”
I halt and gaze at her.
“I know.”
She knows… what? What is she talking about? My brain is like a squirrel on crack, going in every direction. I stare at her.
“I know,” she repeats quietly, unsmilingly. “I know you’re getting a divorce.”
My jaw nearly smacks into my waffle. “Uh… how?”
“Please. Do you think you can keep something like that a secret in this family?”
Actually, I did. “Who told you?”
Nonna flutters a hand. “That doesn’t matter.”
“How long have you known?”
“A few months.”
“Oh.” Shame heats my belly. “I’m sorry, Nonna.”
“You should be sorry. You lied to me.”
My throat thickens. “I know.”
“And not just me. The whole family!”
“Not the whole family,” I mutter. “Mom and Dad knew, and Elisa and Bria. And Rachel.”
She gives a tiny eye roll. “Why would you do that?”
“Because…” I slump, head bowed. “I felt like a failure. I couldn’t keep my marriage together.”
Nonna is silent. So is Carson. When I finally peek at her, her face is soft. Maybe she feels sorry for me. For sure, she’s disappointed in me.
I turn to Carson. Unlike Nonna, he looks stunned.
A rock settles in my gut. That’s how I felt. I mean, I still do, but I’m not going to lie to people about it a year later.
“Look at this family.” I sweep a hand out, even though we’re the only Cavaggionis here.
“Everyone’s happily married, if they’re not widowed.
They’re procreating and their kids are procreating.
Even gay great-uncle Antonio was in a long-term relationship with his partner! I’m the only person here divorced.”
Carson frowns.
Nonna’s eyebrows slope downward. “Ayla.”
I blink at the sting of tears in my eyes. I don’t want pity. That’s what I was afraid of.
“That is not a failure,” Nonna says.
“That’s how I feel.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Carson says.
I slide him a daggered look, then turn back to Nonna. I can’t tell her that Carson and I slept together this weekend. That we talked a lot without fighting. That maybe… it might not be too late for us. That might give her false hope that we can work things out. And I’m not sure myself if we can.
“I meant it when I said we could all see how in love you two are. You may have been trying to put on an act, but nobody acts that well.” She pauses. “Your cousin Rachel thinks you two still have feelings for each other.”
“What? No, she doesn’t!”
“It was her idea for you to bring Carson here, wasn’t it?”
“How’d you know… Oh my God.” I stare at Nonna. “She knew you knew? Wait! Was it her who told you?”
“I said it doesn’t matter. Rachel was trying to help.”
“How is that helping?” I think I’m losing my mind. What is even happening?
“It was her idea?” Carson glowers at me.
“Well…” I think back. “Yes. She suggested it. I told her it was crazy, but then… it seemed like it might work.”
“Jesus.” He rubs his forehead.
I sit there with my head buzzing to the point of pain, my neck and shoulders tight.
“You still have feelings for each other,” Nonna says. “Is it possible you could work things out?”
My eyes shoot open. I look at Carson and our gazes collide in a burst of heat.
We just agreed we would talk about that. But that hasn’t happened yet and… I chew on the inside of my bottom lip. I don’t know what to say.
“We can’t go back in time,” Nonna adds. “But sometimes, we get a chance to do something right the second time that we didn’t get right the first time.” She looks between us.
My throat constricts. I glance at Carson again. His expression is as confused as I feel.
“Gia.” Carson finally speaks. His tone is gentle, but firm. “I know your intentions were good, but Ayla’s and my relationship is between us. You have to trust us to do what’s best for us.”
Nonna nods, an impressed smile on her face. “You are right. Absolutely. I just have one more thing to say. A second chance isn’t just going back to the way things were before. You two have been changed by losing your son. So… it can be about a new beginning. About growing and learning together.”
I can’t stand the feelings mounting inside me. It hurts so much. It’s too much to hope for. Because I’m so afraid I don’t deserve it.
“Will you walk me back to the cottage?” Nonna asks. “I think I’m ready to go home.”