16. Keira
CHAPTER 16
KEIRA
“Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then.”
I close my dog-eared copy of Pride and Prejudice over in disgust. Are you serious, Mr. Bennet? No girl likes to be crossed a little in love. Ever . Heartache is the worst feeling in the world. Yet still, here I am, curled up on the sofa, having crossed Dan in love only thirty-seven minutes ago.
I let out a heavy sigh, my eyes filling with tears. I did what I had to do. Although I love Dan, I know that as soon as he’s back in his world, I’ll end up with a broken heart when he realizes that being with me these past weeks has been nothing more than a pleasant walk down memory lane, back to a girl he once loved before he was even a man.
I don’t belong in his world. It’s foreign to me, and as much as I hated hearing it from Lana that night in the ladies’, I knew she was speaking the truth the moment the words fell from her lips. I don’t fit into his world. I’m not the kind of woman someone like Dan Roberts will end up with. I’m a small-town girl whose life revolves around her family and her town. I’m not glamorous. I’m not worldly.
I’m not enough.
“Are you okay?” Clara asks as she pads into the living room in her thick socks, her robe wrapped tightly around her slim waist.
“No,” I choke out, my voice strangled by emotion.
She sits down on the sofa next to me and pulls me into a hug. “You did what you thought was right, honey.”
“Then why does it hurt so much?” I sob into her shoulder.
“Because you love him. It’s as simple as that.”
I sniff and brush the tears from my eyes. “If only it were that simple then I would still be with him.”
She presses her lips together, her eyes searching my face. “Explain to me once more why you broke up with him?”
“Clara,” I warn, not wanting to go down that path again. It was painful enough the first time she asked when she found me clasping onto my knees, sobbing like a child.
She raises her hands in the air. “All I’m saying is you love him and it’s pretty dang obvious that he loves you, too.”
My stupid, stupid heart leaps at the thought that Dan loves me.
“But it’s not that easy,” I protest. “It’s … complicated.”
“What love isn’t complicated?”
“The easy kind, like Mom and Dad had.”
“Do you wanna know what I think?” she asks, but in typical older sister style, she doesn’t wait for my response. “I think love is a hot mess. It’s complicated, sure, but it is so worth it.”
I shake my head, my throat hot. “It won’t be worth it. Not for me. It will end in tears, and I’ll be left alone, right here where I always am.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.”
She studies me for a beat before she lets out a sigh. “Well, I guess you’ve made your mind up.”
“I have.”
“Can I say one more thing?”
I sniff. “Can I stop you?”
“The heart wants what the heart wants, even when it makes no sense.”
Fresh tears spring to my eyes. “Not helping, sis.”
She places her hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “You’ve got to do what’s right for you. And right now, I’ve got to do what’s right for me and that means heading to bed.” She pushes herself up off the sofa.
“Sleep well.”
“Hang in there.”
As Clara heads to bed, I pick up my book again and accidentally reread Mr. Bennet’s line about wanting to be crossed in love and close it again. What was I thinking reading a Jane Austen novel? I need to read a thriller or a grisly crime novel. Anything but a love story with a happily ever after.
I collect a few tissues from the Kleenex box on the coffee table and wipe my eyes. I’ll go to see Emmy tomorrow. She’ll give me some recommendations for some anti-love books.
I switch off the lamp and head to the bathroom when there’s a loud knock on the door. I almost leap out of my skin in shock.
“Who’s there?” I call out.
“It’s me, Dan,” a muffled voice replies, and my heart leaps into my mouth at the thought that he’s here—even though the last thing I want right now is to have to see him. Because if I do, I know I will crumble, my resolve gone, and I will willingly fall into his arms.
“Please, Kiki. Let me in. Let’s talk about this.”
I stand, rooted to the spot, indecision playing racquetball with my brain.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he says and my heart screams at me to open that door.
I make my way down the hallway until all that lies between us is our wooden front door with its frosted pane of glass. “Please go, Dan. It’s for the best. You’ll see.”
“Kiki, please. I love you and I don’t want to lose you.”
It’s like the sincerity in his words has a direct line to my heart, and before I know what I’m doing, I’ve pulled the door open to see him standing on the welcome mat in his post-match clothes, looking more handsome than I’ve ever seen him in my life. There’s pain etched across his face, and the deepest look of love in his eyes.
Neither of us utters a word. We simply stand on either side of the door frame for a beat, staring at one another, a world of unspoken words swirling around us.
He makes the first move, stepping closer, pulling me into his arms in one smooth, purposeful movement, and I find myself melting into his arms as he presses an urgent kiss against my lips.
“I love you. I love you,” he murmurs against my mouth between kisses, his arms holding me possessively against his firm body.
I want to let go of all my fears, of everything I know to be true, and stay here in his arms, confident in his love for me.
But I can’t. Not when I know that we live in different worlds and that one day, he will see that.
With the strength of Hercules himself, I pull back from him, and I’m shocked to see the tracks of his tears on his cheeks. I reach up to touch them with my fingertips. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, so sorry. ”
“Don’t be sorry. Be happy that we’re together. Know that this is what is meant to be.”
I twist my mouth. “Why don’t you come inside.” I take him by the hand and lead him down the hallway to the living room.
Once inside, he closes the door behind us.
I clasp my hands at my waist, more to stop myself from pulling him to me than anything else.
“Can I tell you one thing, Kiki?” he asks.
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
“We’ve got this second chance, which is more than most people get in this life. The last thing I’m going to do is give up on you. Give up on us . I love you, with every fiber of my being. And I know you love me, too.”
“But Dan,—”
“If this is what you really want, then tell me and I’ll walk away forever. But I think you’re letting your fears get the most of you, and I’m here to tell you that you’ve got nothing to fear because I love you and I will never, ever hurt you. I give you my word.”
“It was so hard when you left the first time. I know we agreed to break up, but I didn’t want to, and I never got over it. I can’t put myself through that again.”
He cradles my face in his hands and says tenderly, “You won’t have to because I will never leave you.”
“But … but your team. Chicago. The NHL.”
“My mind’s made up. I’m giving it a year, during which you can visit me as often as you want, and I can come home here to see you whenever I can. And then, once I’m done with the Blizzard at the end of next season, I’ll move back here to be with you.”
As he reaches for me, my fears begin to evaporate around me.
My eyes widen to the size of hockey pucks. “You’re going to move back to Maple Falls?” I ask, my voice a mere whisper.
A smile pulls at the edges of his mouth, lighting up his whole face. “It’s home. You’re home. I let you go once before, Kiki. I’ll never make that mistake again.”
And with that, he pulls me against him, wrapping his arms around me, and kisses me with such love, it brings tears of joy to my eyes.
“I love you,” I murmur.
“You know what else?” he asks.
A bubble of giddy laughter rises up inside of me. “There’s more?”
“One day—and I’m not going to tell you when—I’m going to ask you to be my wife.”
“And I will say yes,” I whisper into his ear, the last vestige of fear flying away on the wings of his commitment, my heart soaring along with it.
“I love you, my Kiki.”