Chapter 31
“Are you okay?”
“I think so.” I rest my head back against the seat, gazing at the darkening sky as Louise drives us out of the hotel. “But I’m getting a headache.”
“That’s probably from the cologne,” she mutters. “Did you tell him about the job?”
I nod, glancing down at my finger where the ring once was. “He seemed surprised.”
“That you got it?”
“That I didn’t need his help.” I frown as I remember his reaction. “I always thought he saw me as an equal, but he made it sound like the only reason he wanted me back was because he thought I needed saving.”
“And you told him to stuff it, right?”
“I wouldn’t use that exact terminology, but yes.”
“I think you made the right choice,” she says as we approach a roundabout. “And the right choice isn’t always the easiest one. It’s okay if you feel weird about it.”
“I don’t feel weird.”
“That’s okay too. Are you hungry? You want food? Chinese food? You can have Chinese food. You can have whatever you want. Just say the word.”
I want Luke. My heart pangs with the realization. Luke who would tell me that it’s okay and I’d believe him. Luke who would know exactly what I’m feeling.
“Pasta?” Louise continues. “I can make you pasta.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You say that now, but once I put something in front of you, you’ll want it.”
“Would you stop trying to mother me?”
“I’m being nice.”
“You’re being annoying and… what the f— Ow!” I straighten quickly, bumping my head off the roof as we pass a red car.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“That’s Luke!” I exclaim, twisting in my seat to watch him go. “He just drove past!”
“What?” Louise’s eyes widen as she glances in the rearview. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.” I almost strain my neck as we miss our exit, going around again. “That’s his car. Where’s he going?”
“That’s the road to the hotel. It can’t be him.”
“It is.” I slap the dashboard in frustration. “We have to follow him.”
“But what’s he doing out here at this time of night? Unless he—” Louise breaks off with a loud gasp. “Do you think he’s going beat up Tyler?”
“ What? Why would he do that?”
“For your honor!”
“I lost my honor the summer before college, thank you very much.”
“I mean the honor of you . He could be going to fight Tyler for—”
“No one is fighting anyone! Go after him.”
“But you don’t—”
“Louise!”
She swerves dangerously to meet the hotel exit and I grip the side of the seat to keep steady. At this time of night, he’s the only other car on this stretch of road. And there’s only one destination at the end of it. Luke’s going to the hotel.
Oh my God. I sit back as Louise accelerates, trying not to freak out. “What if he is going to go beat him up?”
Louise glances at me. “Please don’t tell me you find that attractive.”
“Of course not,” I say automatically. “That’s so unhealthy.”
“Right.”
Right. “I mean, I guess a little part of me wouldn’t mind if—”
“Abby!”
“Well, don’t put the idea in my head then! He’s probably just—”
Louise blasts the horn, cutting me off as Luke’s brake lights turn on.
“He heard us,” she says, waving triumphantly at him as he slows down.
“You think?” I glare at her. “We could have just met in the parking lot.”
“Oh.” She looks embarrassed. “Yeah.”
I will my heart rate to slow as we pull onto the side of the road. “I’m telling Tomasz you almost totaled the car,” I say as I open the door.
Luke’s already standing on the grass, understandably very confused. “Abby? What are you doing?”
“Were you going to beat up Tyler?”
He stares at me like I’ve lost my mind. “No.”
Oh.
“You thought I was going to go fight him?” he asks as Louise comes to stand beside me.
“No,” I lie.
“Try not to sound too disappointed,” she murmurs.
“You weren’t answering your phone,” he explains as I pinch her hip. “I dropped by your house, but Tomasz said you two had come here and I…” He glances at Louise, trailing off.
“Could you go please?” I ask her.
“How are you going to get back?”
“Luke will bring me home.” Like he always does.
She hesitates but Louise likes Luke a lot more than she likes Tyler, so eventually she just nods. “I’ll see you at the house.”
I wait until she drives off, thankfully a little less manically than before. “It’s been a busy few weeks for her,” I say.
Luke watches me warily before his eyes flick down, taking in my outfit. I’d dressed up for my conversation with Tyler. Of course I had. Styled my hair and did my makeup, put on a nice dress. Little things. Me things. But a me he’s probably not used to.
“I shouldn’t have let you walk away the other day,” he says. “I’m sorry.”
“You were upset.”
“I was furious,” he says flatly. “But not at you. Well, kind of at you. I thought you were going to go back to him.”
“I told you I don’t feel anything for him anymore.”
“I know.” He closes his eyes, looking tired. “I know,” he says. “I’m—”
“You have to—”
“Just let me finish,” he says quickly. He looks at me then, and the intensity of his gaze almost takes my breath away.
“I came here to tell you that I’m falling in love with you.
Or maybe I’ve already fallen. I don’t know.
But from the moment I picked you up in that parking lot, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
And I mean that, Abby. Every day. Every moment, no matter how hard I tried not to.
I can’t bear the thought of you going back to him.
Of you being with anyone but me. And I know how that sounds and I know it’s selfish and I know you’re not owned by anyone but I love you.
I love you and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.
I was scared yesterday that you didn’t mean it or that you didn’t know what it meant. I was scared you would take it back.”
“I’m not taking it back.” The words come out as a whisper. It’s all I can manage right now. “I gave Tyler the ring,” I say. “I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want him .”
I want you.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t say them. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Not yet.
“There’s something I have to tell you,” I say, and he straightens at my tone.
“You got the job,” he guesses, and for the first time I can remember, I can’t read anything from his expression. “New York?”
“Toronto. They opened an office there last year so there’s space and… I’m going to take it. I’m going to say yes.”
He doesn’t say anything for a long second, as though waiting for more. When I stay silent he glances away, his expression tightening.
“So that’s it then?” he asks eventually. “Back abroad?”
“It’s what I want. Maybe what I need. I wouldn’t be happy here in the long run. Not really.” Even if here there were things to make me happy. “I can’t turn down this job, Luke.”
“I know you can’t. I don’t want you to.”
There’s a burning in my throat that won’t go away. “I just feel like everyone secretly expects me to stay.”
“They want you to stay. That’s different. But you have to live your life for you, not for anyone else.”
They’re the words I’d hoped he’d say, but now he’s saying them I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to hear them at all.
“I just thought you…” I try to stay calm, feeling a hint of annoyance at the resigned look on his face. “That’s all you have to say?”
“What more do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know—how about telling me not to go?
” I ask. “How about remembering that you’re in love with me.
How about…” My hands go to my hips as frustrated tears prick my eyes.
“I wouldn’t have minded,” I tell him, “if you wanted to beat up Tyler. I know that makes me a bad person, but I think I would have been flattered if I’m being honest. Maybe even a little turned on. ”
“By me fighting your ex?”
“By you fighting for me ! You just told me you loved me and now you’re like, oh, okay bye, have a nice life, Abby. If you don’t want me to be with anyone else, why is it so easy to just let me go?”
“Because it’s what you want.”
“But I also want you!”
“Then ask me to come with you!”
Oh.
We stare at each other, Luke looking more and more pissed off when I don’t say anything.
Oh.
“That’s what you wanted me to…?”
He shakes his head, turning to face the road as if he can’t bear to look to me.
“You want to come to Toronto with me?”
“I want you to want me to— Christ.” He rubs a hand down his face as if to wake himself up. The burn is blocking my throat now, and it takes a few swallows before I can speak.
“I didn’t think you’d… I mean, it’s so far and we’ve only been together a few… It’s nice,” I finish lamely. “I went with Jess once. The move can be a bit of a culture shock and it’s not cheap but there are lots of Irish people there. Clubs and bars and museums and…”
I shouldn’t have said it. Because as soon as I did, as soon as I let myself voice what I didn’t even know I desired, it became all I ever wanted.
A picture of Luke and me in some new city where no one knows us.
With the anonymity and the time to sort out whatever this is between us, to develop it together, to explore it together. To be together.
“But your parents—”
“Are my parents,” he says, exasperated. “I love them but I don’t need to live five minutes down the road from them for the rest of my life.”
“Your exams—”
“Are finishing next month. The lease on the café is up in August. Beth already told me she’s thinking about not renewing. I could sell up. Get some cash.” His throat moves as he swallows. “I love you, Abby. And whatever this is between us, I’m all in.”
My heart does a painful leap and then starts to beat in double time. A horrible nervous hope rises in me. “You’ll go with me?”
“If you’ll have me.”
“Yes,” I say. “I’ll have you. I will definitely have you.”
He starts to smile. “Yeah?”
“Think of all the injured ice hockey players you can help.”
His smile widens and my tears fall freely then, which seems to amuse him greatly.
“I’m fine,” I say as he moves toward me. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m fine.”
“Don’t tell me you were hoping I’d say no.” His arms envelop me and I close my eyes, the pit in my stomach lessening as pulls me into an embrace. I cling to him, soaking his thin cotton T-shirt but he doesn’t seem to mind.
“These are happy tears,” I tell him.
“I know.”
“I’m very happy.”
He tightens his grip, burrowing his face into my hair.
“Are we really going to do this?” I ask.
“We can try,” he murmurs. “Speaking in practical terms, you’re the only person I trust to do it with.”
“I am very good with plans,” I agree.
Luke pulls away just enough to look at me, wiping my cheek with his thumb.
“Jess says I’m an ugly crier,” I tell him.
“You’re a beautiful crier.”
“Liar.”
He smirks, dipping his head to kiss me softly.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispers. “And smart and ambitious and brave and I love you. I want to wake up to you every morning and talk to you every day. I want to take you to dinner and meet your friends and teach you to drive. I want you , Abby Reynolds. All of you. For as long as you want me.”
My tears have stopped now, though they still make my vision swim as I gaze up at Luke, at everything he promises.
And now I’m really getting a headache from all my crying and a stomachache from all my worrying but I don’t care.
After so many weeks of not knowing who I was, or where I belonged, I’ve never felt more sure of anything than of this moment and of all the ones to come.
I rise on my toes, kissing him again as his arms slide around my back, holding me to him.
I love him and he loves me and we’re going to do this.
Together.