Chapter 8
Four weeks. Good Lord, what was he thinking?
Tonka wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it four days before being with Henley.
Sex had never been a huge thing in his life.
Yes, he’d had it and enjoyed it, but he’d never needed it.
Since that first kiss, however, he wanted to be near Henley at all times.
His skin felt as if it was too tight for his body.
And he hadn’t masturbated so much in his entire life as he had in the last two weeks, since the night of the bonfire.
Being around Henley was both heaven and hell. She made him feel like the man he’d been before. Before he’d learned what true evil was. He smiled more. He was more sociable. And he’d laughed more in the last month than he had since even before leaving the Coast Guard.
Henley was funny, positive, and so incredibly selfless.
She put everyone before herself. The guests, always wanting to make sure they were okay emotionally.
Jasna, of course. His friends, and even the other employees at The Refuge.
She always had a nice word to say to her co-workers…
a compliment about the cleanliness of the rooms or lodge, how nice the landscaping was, the delicious food…
even how nicely the rocks on the damn driveway were spread.
As for himself, Tonka realized she was as in tune with him as anyone he’d ever met.
He had his good and bad days. Having Jasna out in the barn with him most of the time on the days she was here was a good distraction, making the shit in his head easier to deal with.
But Henley always seemed to know when he was having a tough day.
She’d send Jasna to shadow one of the other employees, giving him the time and space he needed to attempt to overcome his demons.
He’d avoided talking about what happened to him for so long, it was now a habit to shy away from any situation that might lead to him having to think about it.
One day, while sitting in on a group session, it occurred to Tonka yet again that maybe she could help him. The thought of reliving what happened by sharing his story was physically painful, but he knew without a doubt that if he was going to talk to anyone…it would be Henley.
“Hey,” she said softly as she leaned against the door to the barn.
Tonka jerked in surprise and turned in her direction.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I thought you heard me.”
Tonka set aside the shovel he’d been using to clean out a horse stall and strode toward Henley.
She straightened a bit where she stood. He didn’t say a word.
Not “good morning” or “it’s okay” or anything else.
He simply took her face in his hands when he got close enough and tilted her head up.
Then he kissed her. Long and deep. Telling her without words how glad he was to see her.
By the time he forced himself to lift his head, Henley’s hands were flat against his chest, her fingernails digging into his skin, and her cheeks were flushed pink.
He could see a hint of cleavage from the v-neck blouse she was wearing, and it was all he could do not to bury his nose in the tantalizing flash of skin there.
“Finn,” she breathed.
Tonka loved how his given name sounded on her lips. He hadn’t understood why Alaska called Brick solely by his name until recently. There was something personal and comforting about Henley and Jasna being the only ones to call him Finn.
“Missed you,” Tonka blurted.
She smiled. “You were at my apartment hanging out with me and Jasna just last night,” she reminded him.
Tonka shrugged. “It’s been about twelve hours since.” He was being sappy but couldn’t help it. “Jasna’s okay at her art camp thing?” He hadn’t let go of her face. Couldn’t. “She seemed excited about their project for today.”
“Yeah. They’re making sculptures with things they find in nature, and she was talking nonstop about how she was going to see if she could make a portrait of Scarlet with sticks, rocks, and moss,” Henley said with a smile.
“I know a lot of twelve-year-olds would scoff at stuff like that, probably think it was too babyish, but I’m grateful she can still find pleasure in such simple things. That she’s not all boy crazy.”
Tonka frowned at the thought of Jasna dating.
As if she could read his mind, Henley chuckled. “Don’t worry, I don’t think dating is on her radar yet.”
“I’m thinking when it is, you need to bring any boy she’s interested in out here, so we can all make sure he understands that if he doesn’t treat Jas like gold, he’ll have to answer to us.”
To his alarm, tears filled Henley’s eyes.
“What?” he demanded. “What’s wrong? Too fast? I’m sorry, I—”
But Henley was shaking her head as she cut him off. “No! It’s just…it’s been me and her for so long. The idea of Jasna having men like you and your friends watching out for her caught me off guard. In a good way.”
Tonka dropped his hands from her face, wrapping an arm around her and steering her into the office.
Normally he would be annoyed by an interruption in the middle of a job.
But Henley could interrupt him any day, any time, and he’d drop whatever he was doing to talk to her. To make sure she was good.
He sat her on the sofa, the same one Jasna had slept on when she’d been sick the first time she was here, and where Tonka himself had slept on more than one occasion simply because he didn’t want to return to his empty cabin.
He knelt in front of her and put his hands on her knees.
She immediately covered them with her own.
“Jas’s father isn’t around? At all?” he asked. He’d long suspected he wasn’t, but he wanted to know more about Henley’s past and wasn’t sure how to ask.
Henley shook her head. “When my dad died, I was struggling to find my place in the world, and was still a little angry about everything that happened to me. I desperately wanted to be loved, to feel safe, and was trying to ease the stress of college. I was in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. Jasna’s father and I had been dating about two months, and pretty much the only thing he was good at was sex—
“Um…sorry…you probably don’t want to hear that part.
Anyway, I had told him I wasn’t on any birth control.
Pills messed with my hormones too much, and I didn’t like the idea of an IUD.
He always bitched about having to wear a condom.
And one night…I guess we were both too drunk to really think about it.
I was as much to blame as he was.” She shrugged.
“Afterward—when we realized what we’d done—he wasn’t concerned.
Kept insisting that I was being paranoid.
That the sex was better without the condom.
Of course, I was worried about getting pregnant, but I also wasn’t thrilled because we weren’t exclusive.
I had no idea how many other women he was having unprotected sex with.
When I realized I was pregnant, he told me in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want to be a father, and that I couldn’t prove it was his kid. ”
“Of course you could,” Tonka said in disgust. “A paternity test could clear that up in a heartbeat.”
“I know, but honestly, I was kind of relieved. And I had slept with my share of men before him,” she said a little sheepishly.
“He’s still a dick,” Tonka said firmly.
“I could’ve fought him, forced him to pay child support, but I knew having to deal with him for the next eighteen years would only bring more stress into my life, so I decided to raise Jasna on my own.
I also didn’t want a man like him around my kid.
It probably wasn’t fair to deny Jasna a male figure in her life, no matter how lacking.
But I still think I did the right thing.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy to be a single mother, but I loved my baby with everything I had in me from the second I realized I was pregnant.
“I also stopped using sex to deal with my stress and pain. Jasna’s been my entire life from the moment I learned she existed. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe. I even took the job in Los Alamos because it seemed safer than living in the city.”
“You’ve done a remarkable job with her so far,” Tonka said immediately. “Jas is beautiful, caring, smart, unselfish, and you should be proud, so proud, of the young woman she’s becoming.”
“Finn,” Henley said softly.
Tonka rose from his crouch and sat on the cushion next to her.
He took her hands in his and said earnestly, “This probably isn’t the time or place to be having this discussion, but fuck it.
I’m completely in awe of you. You’ve worked your butt off for years to give Jas a safe and happy environment to grow up in.
And as far as what that asshole said, about sex being better without a condom, he’s wrong.
I know without a doubt that being inside you will be the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.
I don’t mind being the one responsible for birth control.
I’ll never forget to wear one when I’m with you. It’ll be my honor to protect you.”
She blinked a few times as she stared at him. Then blurted, “How are you still single?”
“I’m moody. There are stretches of days when I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I like animals more than people. I live like a hermit. I’m—”
But Henley cut him off before he could continue. “You’re loyal, considerate, protective, gentle, gorgeous, and you make me happy simply by being near me. I don’t expect you to be perfect, just as I hope you don’t expect the same from me.”
“You know I don’t,” he told her.