42. Opaline
Opaline
Istare down at the small card in my hand, sky full of stars above me, and nocturnal furry-friends busy around me on the side deck. Tightening the blanket I'm curled up in, I finally give up and set the pen down.
When I first arrived here, Calder took me into town for our first date.
Hand-in-hand, I'd discovered the gift and trinket shop on Main Street and added this postcard to my pile.
Beautiful snowcapped mountains with a glowing sunset painted the front with a lake I'd love to see in real life.
I had no doubt, with the beauty and magic in these mountains, that it was tucked away and hidden somewhere.
Now, I'm outside, trying to find the words I want to put down on it.
I think a part of me knew since picking it up who my heart intended as the recipient.
Even still, the only thing that feels right is a short note to my mother.
But, for some reason, the words just won't come clearly to me.
I have no idea where to start, and I have so much to say that it feels chaotic and scrambled in my brain.
Even though I know she'll never get this postcard…will never read it, it still feels overwhelmingly important. There's only so much space to write, and I need to make every word matter.
Taking a deep breath, I try to center myself and slow down enough to hear the night around me: the owls and crickets, wind-blown leaves that have just started to fall in the previous days.
Tucking my nose into the blanket I dragged outside with me, my mates' scents hit me, and it's like finding and floating to nirvana, only to have a huge rock painted with pictures of my past pulling me down.
It's everything tonight, hitting me, wave after wave.
Mostly the grief of my mother, even after all these years.
The years I spent so alone after her death, and then even in The Omega Care Facility.
The anger and disappointment towards my father.
And worst of all, a jealousy for those who get to have those gifts…
a mother, father…what it's like to know love.
But I do know love, now… don't I?
I can feel my face start to crumple as images of my mates flash behind my eyes. I had shut down the bond what feels like hours ago as I crawled out here on my own in the dead of night.
I can't believe what a difference mere months can make in a lifetime. All it took was a chance with Remi, giving him my trust instead of running, and here I am with almost all of my wildest dreams come true. All the dreams that don't defy the limitations of death and reincarnation, I guess.
I was hopeless, alone with no family or friends, and no real plan.
In the weeks before I arrived to the Hot Springs, I was literally fighting to get through each day, in survival mode, unable to see past my immediate needs.
From sleeping under a tarp behind a bar, to having my own perfect, cozy nest. From living in dirty clothes to having a huge closet I can walk into stuffed with clothing that makes me feel good about myself.
From…never really knowing where my next meal would come from or when…
to having pantries, a fridge, and a freezer stocked full.
There's an ache I think I might always carry from those days, terrified from my first night completely alone, scared of every shadow and sound around me. I will never forget how lucky and thankful I am to be in my current life. It was my wildest dream then and it still is now.
Focusing back on the postcard reflecting low lighting from the outdoor candles on the table, its glossy surface stares up at me, waiting.