24. Chapter 24
Chapter twenty-four
Sutton
I ’ve never felt like such a badass and idiot at the same time. But breaking my hand on some jerk’s jaw while standing up for my man has a way of making me simultaneously awesome and foolish.
My hand throbbed for the last couple of days until I got in to see the ortho for my cast. Did I choose the prettiest purple plaster that is normally reserved for children? Yes, but that’s only after they claimed they didn’t have any designs. I mean, come on. They have a plethora of colors but no designs? Boring.
Cooper had driven me to my appointment, even holding my unbroken hand as they smoothed the weird material over my hand and wrist.
“Stop pouting,” Cooper says as he turns the steering wheel in the direction of home and not my favorite breakfast place.
“I wouldn’t be pouting if you would get me a treat for being good during my doctor’s appointment.”
“You’re really laying it on thick today.”
“I don’t think I understand what you mean.” I cross my arms over my chest and stare out the window.
“Sure you don’t, baby girl.”
My jaw drops as I spin to face him. “Excuse me.”
“You heard me. I think you’re acting a little childish, Sut.”
“I am not.”
“Are so.”
“Am not,” I fume. “How dare you spew such ludicrous lies.”
“Sut, you asked for a dino cast and are now pouting ’cause you aren’t getting rewarded for behaving like an adult.”
“Okay, maybe I’m being a tiny bit childish. But that’s only because I was scared. And we both know I don’t cope well with… well, anything.”
He reaches over and squeezes my thigh, his fingers dipping between my legs and staying there. “I know, that’s why I already ordered your favorite from Toasted.”
My lips pull up into the biggest grin. “You did?”
“Yes.” He rolls his eyes. “You were a very brave girl.”
“I was, wasn’t I?”
Cooper shakes his head.
“The dino cast would have been dope, and you know it.”
“You would have been the most popular girl in the office with a cast like that.”
I sigh. “They really should invest in cast designs—for the children.”
“Yes, for the children.”
I wake up hours after going into a mini food coma to the sound of Vivian arguing with someone. Rubbing my eyes with my good hand, I climb out of bed and pad toward the sound.
In the living room, I find Viv, Nate, and Cooper sitting on the couch glaring at Dillon as he stands in front of the TV.
“Stop being a douche and move. This is the best part,” Viv says, waving her hand in a shooing motion.
“Nah, I don’t think I will.” He smirks. “Besides, this show is garbage.”
I glance at the TV to see the newest dating show, Now or Never, playing. It’s a complete rip-off of The Bachelor, but that doesn’t stop me or my friends from bingeing the hell out of it.
“Seriously, Dillon? Isn’t it enough to be living here unwelcome? Now you’re blocking people from the simple pleasures of reality trash TV?”
Dillon raises his hands in the air. “I should have known you all would like trash. It’s very fitting.”
Passing by him, I make my way to Cooper, plopping myself in his lap. Dillon’s eyes flare with rage, and I can’t help but smile. That is until he laughs. “Real mature, Sutton,” he says, stalking off toward the front door. “And I know you guys have been fucking with my body wash,” he yells before slamming the door behind him.
I frown. What triggered his attitude change? Looking down at where Cooper’s arms are wrapped around mine, I gasp. Flowers cover my cast, with small dinosaurs in the middle of the blooms.
“When? How? When?” I ask to no one in general.
Cooper chuckles behind me as Vivian says, “While you were sleeping, Nate put his talented hands to work.”
I glance at her. “But how did you know?”
“Cooper enlisted us. He told us all about your fixation on the dino pattern.”
I glance over my shoulder at him. “You made sure I got the dinos?”
He nods. “I made sure you got your dumb dinos.”
I smoosh my lips against his in an over-the-top peck. “Thank you.”
I turn to Nate and gush, “I love it.”
“You’re welcome. I’m not going to lie, it was a bit of a challenge. Not only is drawing on cast difficult, but Sutton, you move in your sleep more than any other person I have ever met. Not to mention the sleep talking.”
“Do you watch people sleep often, Nate?”
Cooper leans further away from Nate. “How often have you watched me sleep?”
“Every chance I get.”
Cooper laughs. “I thought so, you creep.”
“Wait,” I say, holding up my good hand. “Let’s circle back real quick. Did you say sleep talking?”
“Yeah.” Nate nods. “You wouldn’t shut up about some spider monkey.”
I gasp. “I do not talk in my sleep.” I glance at Cooper and Vivian for confirmation, and they give me a “you bet your ass, you do” look.
“Okay, enough about the creepy sleep watching and talking,” Vivian beams. “I want to know what you guys have been doing to Dillon’s body wash.”
Cooper and I glance at each other, big toothy smiles plastered across our faces.
“Nothing,” we declare in unison.
Vivian and Nate both give us a disbelieving look.
“Bullshit,” Nate says. “You two look guiltier than a dog who just ate your food.”
Cooper looks his friend in the eye. “We haven’t done a thing to his body wash.”
I bite my lip to keep myself from laughing. “His shampoo and conditioner, on the other hand…”
Their eyes spark as Cooper adds, “I might have switched his expensive haircare with Mane ‘n Tail.”
“The horse stuff?” Vivian asks. “I thought his hair looked shinier.”
I glare at Cooper. “I told you it was making his hair healthier.”
Cooper tosses his hands up in frustration. “How was I supposed to know that?”
“Maybe if you listened to me.”
Cooper opens his mouth to argue, but Nate cuts him off. “How else have you guys been torturing him?”
Cooper and I dive into detail about everything we are and aren’t doing to Dillon. How his paranoia is increasing every day, and we can only hope that soon, it will be enough to drive him out the front door for good.
He’s already too scared to try anything that isn’t sealed shut, which is perfect. The other day, I watched as he installed a new knob on his door so he can lock it as he leaves. Little does he know, Cooper and I are now enrolled in an online lock-picking course. Are we about to become locksmiths just for prank’s sake? You bet your ass, we are.
There’s no limit to what we’ll do to get Dillon to leave.
Okay, that’s a lie. We won’t cause him any physical harm. It’s our one rule.
And oh, how I despise it.
After a while, the guys head out to go watch a new band play at a dive bar a few blocks away, while my still-on-pain-meds ass and Viv’s tired, pregnant one chill on the couch.
I gnaw on my bottom lip as we watch the perfect women fly around the world for a handsome yet mediocre man.
“Okay, spill it,” Viv demands thirty minutes into the show.
“Oh, thank God, I thought I was going to have to watch the entire episode before you demanded more details.”
“Who do you take me for, a common acquaintance? No, I’m your ride or die. Your bestie for the restie. Your nonromantic life partner. So spill.”
“So the tricks and everything are working pretty well on Dillon. He is almost to the point of breaking—I think. Soon, he should be too scared to try anything in the home. It’s perfect. Maybe that will get him to leave us alone, maybe it won’t…” I take a deep breath before rattling on. “Maybe we are gonna be stuck with him forever. I sure hope we aren’t. I just want to be alone. I want my home to be mine again. And I kind of want it to be Cooper’s too. But that leads me to an entirely different problem.”
She stares at me for a moment. “Go on.”
“I still don’t know how to go about asking my fake boyfriend to be my actual boyfriend, let alone to move in with me for real. Would he even do it? Would he give up his apartment? I mean, he’s pretty much given it up for now. He’s been living with me for, oh my gosh, two months now. I mean, that feels pretty much moved-in to me. Like, why should he bother with paying his rent when he doesn’t even live in that fancy storage container? He should just move in here permanently. But what if Dillon never leaves? Maybe we should just move into his apartment. I don’t know what to do, Viv. Help me.”
“Since when do you get so frazzled over a man?”
“Since this is the first time I have ever felt like my heart is going to explode if he doesn’t want me.”
She grins.
“What?” I ask.
Viv’s grin grows even bigger as her shoulders slowly move forward and backward.
“Why are you shimmying? This doesn’t feel like a shimmy moment.”
“You love him,” she singsongs. “Sutton and Cooper, sitting in the tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.”
I roll my eyes. “More like f-u-c-k-i-n-g.”
She quirks an eyebrow. “Notice how you didn’t deny the love part?”
I clear my throat and look back at the TV. “I noticed.”
She squeals. “This is perfect. Now all you two need to do is rip out that IUD and let his little swimmers invade your lady cave.”
“That’s all?”
“Well, you guys could get married if you wanted, but I wasn’t sure how you feel about having another wedding so soon.”
I sigh. “I want it all, Viv. The dress, the flowers, Cooper.”
“Okay, so let’s get you a dress and some flowers.” She pulls out her phone and calls Audra.
“Hey, Audra, we need flowers ASAP.”
“What are you doing?” I hiss.
Vivian smiles, placing the call on speakerphone.
“What’s the occasion? And can’t Nate just pick you some from your over-the-top flower beds?”
“Nah, it’s not for me or your brother. It’s for Sutton and Cooper’s wedding.”
“Vivian Gertrude Fisher,” I scream and pounce at her, trying to take the phone from her.
She stands, dodging me just barely.
“She’s crazy, Audra. It’s all lies,” I continue to yell as I chase my best friend into the kitchen while she laughs.
Audra’s chuckle comes through the phone. “So, I take it Cooper isn’t aware he is getting married.”
“No one is getting married,” I shout at the same time Vivian says, “Not yet.”
“Ohhhkay,” Audra says, “how about when Sutton and Cooper agree on the marriage, we circle back to the flowers. Until then, just tell me what color theme so I can get to designing.”
“She’s an autumn.”
“But last time she did more of a pastel-like spring.”
“Exactly,” Vivian cheers triumphantly. “And last time, she was just delusional.”
“That’s rich coming from the woman currently planning a wedding for two people who aren’t even officially dating.”
Audra barks out a laugh. “Um, if you two aren’t together, then I am a walrus.”
The two of them proceed to make walrus noises until Audra hangs up five minutes later.
Moving back to the living room, I press rewind on the remote as I sink into my favorite spot. The old cushion nearly swallowing me with its worn-in age.
“Don’t be mad,” Viv pleads as she lays her head in my lap.
On instinct, I comb my fingers through her hair. “Too late, I’m pissed.”
The front door opens, and Cooper strides in, followed by Nate.
“Pissed about what?” Cooper asks.
Viv opens her mouth, but I slap my palm across her mouth before she can utter a word.
“About Vivian having an excuse to eat more and me not.”
Cooper eyes me. “Do you want to have the same excuse? Because that can be arranged.” He winks.
Vivian’s eyes snap up to mine as if to say, I told you so.
Flustered by all their eyes on me, I spit out a nonsensical jumble of words. “No. We couldn’t. Shouldn’t. Well…”
I can’t answer the question.
Cooper just laughs and heads off into the kitchen while Nate leans down to pull Viv up into his arms for a hug.
Cooper drops a small plastic bag in the kitchen before returning with a beer and a bottle of water, handing the latter to Nate.
“Why are you back so early, anyway? It’s only been, like, an hour. I thought you were going to see a band.”
Cooper glances at Nate. “Well, you see, what had happened was, it turns out Nate has pregnancy brain.”
I cock my head to the side. “That’s not a thing for men.”
Nate shakes his head. “It is.”
I scoff, “Viv, talk some sense into your husband.”
She tilts her head contemplatively. “Maybe he does, I don’t know.”
“Nope, not real.” I stand my ground.
“Okay, maybe it’s not pregnancy brain in the most traditional of ways. But my mind has been extra preoccupied with Viv—”
“Nothing new there,” Cooper cuts in.
“—and the baby.”
Viv sighs all dreamily—because of course she does.
I almost do too, and he’s not my husband.
“Fine. You can have ‘pregnancy brain.’ But seriously, please don’t tell anyone else that. Just say your thoughts are consumed by your wife and the child she is creating. The other way is just weird.”
Nates looks like a puppy that’s just been scolded. “Fine.”
“You can still say it,” Viv whispers to him.
“Anyway, why are you back so early?” I ask again.
Cooper clears his throat. “Yeah, so pregnancy brain over here got the dates mixed up.”
Nate nods. “No band tonight.”
“But we did get to enjoy some slam poetry.”
“Ooh, slam poetry.” Viv bounces excitedly. “I’ve never heard it performed.”
“Consider yourself lucky,” Cooper mumbles under his breath.
“Did you have a favorite poem or performer?” I ask.
Cooper sits in the chair beside me. “I don’t know. I think my favorite had to be the one about vaginal discharge.”
“Vaginal discharge?” Viv and I say at the same time.
Cooper grins. “Oh, you heard me right. It was about how amazing and complex the fluids expelled from the vagina are.”
Viv grimaces while I smile brightly. “Do go on. Tell me more.”
“The performer was deeply passionate about the assorted colors and textures being a metaphor for how people aren’t so different from discharge. We all come from a vagina.”
“Except for the cesarean babies,” I argue.
“They don’t count, obviously.”
I gasp, my hand flying to my chest. “I’ll have you know I was born via surgical removal.”
“It’s okay.” Cooper pulls my hand from my chest to his. “I still think of you as a person.”
“Thank you. I was genuinely concerned.” I smile before turning to Nate. “What about you, Nate?”
“Cesarean as well,” he deadpans.
“What was your favorite?” Viv asks. “Was it the vagina one too?”
His lips form a tight line. “I’m not quite sure I had a favorite.”
Cooper laughs. “Don’t lie. You had a favorite. Tell them.”
“Yeah, Nate, tell us.”
“Tell us. Tell us. Tell us,” Viv and I chant.
He blushes but says nothing, just stares at Cooper with enormous eyes.
“Come on, baby,” Vivian pleads. “You know if you don’t tell us now, we will only become more annoying with time.”
I bob my head in agreement. “She’s right. If you don’t tell us, we will be relentless in our pursuit to find out the truth, no matter how long it takes.”
“If I tell you now, you’re going to make fun of me for years.”
“Very possible.” Vivian trails her hand up and down his thighs.
Nate opens his mouth like he’s going to finally tell us, but Cooper beats him to the punch.
“His favorite was about sweat.”
“Sweat? I don’t understand.” Viv’s brows crinkle.
“He said it was super sensual, and it made him want to jump Viv’s bones once they get home.”
I burst out into laughter as Nate stands, lifting a hand out to Viv. “You ready, Cherry?”
“Absolutely,” she says eagerly with a look that can only be described as massively horny.
“They are totally going to get sweaty tonight.”
“Without a doubt.”