Chapter 21 The Don’t Tells
The Don’t Tells
They returned to their table just as the server approached. “Last call for happy hour. You want another?”
“Yes, please,” Heidi said.
Morgan mentally shrugged. Why the hell not? And Conor and Logan hadn’t been awful. They’d taken the hint and backed off from giving unwanted advice.
Heidi leaned across. “Conor was checking you out.”
“He’s too young. Probably still in college.”
Heidi shrugged. “So?”
“And too male.”
“There is that. Subject closed. I didn’t want to presume.”
“Presume away. I’ve never been into men and can’t see it happening in the future. Never say never, though, but I’d stake my house on it.”
Heidi laughed. “I’m pansexual, but those two don’t do it for me. Not that it’s me they’re interested in. I’m probably not girly enough.” She indicated her jeans and loose shirt.
“Their loss.” The words slipped out, and for a second, Morgan wished she could take them back.
Heidi’s hand paused a second as she raised the bottle of Corona to her lips, then resumed.
Morgan shriveled and died a little. What had made her say that? Even if it was true. “Sorry. That sounds creepy. Something those two dudes might have said.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Heidi’s smile flashed. “I liked you saying it, for what it’s worth. A genuine compliment is always welcome, especially from a gorgeous woman.” She widened her eyes. “I think we’re now even in the spontaneous-compliment department.”
“You have amazing eyes. Your lashes are so thick, I wondered at first if they were natural. But I’ve seen you with bedhead and pajamas, and those lashes are still firmly attached.”
The server deposited two more wines and two more Coronas, and Morgan grabbed her wine like a lifeline. She took a big gulp. “And you have expressive eyes. They’re so warm.”
Heidi looked down at the table. “I like this game. It’s great for my ego.”
“Is it a game?” The words slipped out. Was it a game? She wasn’t one to talk like this. How many glasses of wine had she had? “I love the shape of you in jeans. That faded denim, hugging your hips.”
Heidi set down her beer. “If this isn’t a game, then maybe we should stop. Roommates and romance—not a great combination. Expectations can misalign so easily. I like you, Morgan, and I like living with you. I’d like to keep that.”
The background noise faded, as if she were underwater.
There was just Heidi’s lips forming the words, just Heidi leaning over the small table, her hair flopping over her forehead, the red streak a dark ruby in the dim light.
Somewhere, there was a shout of laughter; somewhere, the server set down drinks.
Somewhere, there was a rational Morgan who would know to stop this.
But that Morgan wasn’t here. And this new, slightly tipsy Morgan, who’d had three glasses of wine and was already partway down a fourth, couldn’t look away from Heidi—at how her even white teeth caught at her bottom lip, how there was a hint of collarbone at the top of her sweatshirt, and how a tiny pulse beat fast in her neck.
She moistened her dry lips. “We can make it whatever we want.”
Fascinated, she watched Heidi’s eyes darken, the pupils widen, the emotions chase across her features. She only wished she could interpret them.
Heidi leaned back. “I won’t try to tell you what you should do. I’m lacking in the self-control department myself right now. But I—”
Morgan leaned across, gripped Heidi’s forearms with both hands.
The beer tilted, and Heidi loosened her grip on it.
It wobbled but then steadied, and Heidi rested it back down.
Morgan stood, leaned farther in. Wine be damned.
Maybe it was too much, but maybe she just wanted to do something for herself for a change, without thought of who might be watching, judging, demeaning.
She kissed Heidi.
Heidi’s breath left her body in a tiny “oh” against Morgan’s lips, although why was she surprised? Surely, that was where their conversation had been leading. To this. To this connection. To lips on lips.
Morgan kissed her properly, lips moving, caressing. And in only a moment, Heidi’s lips softened under hers. The bar noise came in waves, fading in and out. Heidi eased her forearms out from under Morgan’s grip and covered her hands, turning one over to entwine their fingers.
And still they kissed. Breath, lips, mouths, a touch of tongue.
“I told you she wasn’t into you. That’s why.” Logan’s voice, somewhere nearby. “Better luck with someone else, bro.”
Heidi eased out of the kiss, returned for a peck on the lips, then sat back and lifted her beer. “I think that’s a compliment.”
“It is.” Her lips tingled, and she raised a finger to touch them.
“After everything I said about roommates and romance.” Heidi shook her head. “And you do that.”
“I’m sorry… Was it unwelcome?” The heat of shame moved up her chest. “If so, I—”
“No. Not unwelcome. Unexpected, yes. Unwelcome, no. And I need to think about what I want. That is, if that kiss was any indication of what you want. If that kiss was wine and spontaneity, that’s okay too.”
“I don’t do spontaneous very well.”
“Guess that answers my question, then.” Heidi picked up her beer, looked at it for a second and set it down. She leaned across the table and took Morgan’s lips in a kiss. It was quick, it was hot. And it was over as fast as it had arrived.
Heidi sat back. “That’s me thinking.” She picked up her beer again and drank. “Is it the wine, Morgan? How long did you want to do that?”
“I can’t answer that.”
“Because you might incriminate yourself? Or because you don’t know.”
Morgan pressed her lips together. Her mind was whirling faster than a Kansas tornado. “I honestly don’t know. I’m attracted to you, Heidi, but that doesn’t mean anything.”
“I’m so glad I’m just a meaningless person.” She folded her arms. “You’re not selling it.”
“No! I mean, I like you. But I’m… It’s…” She huffed in frustration. “Why do we have to talk about this?”
“It’s what people do when they’re trying to figure something out.
” Heidi touched Morgan’s hand where it lay on the table.
“Something unexpected, something that there are consequences for… Well, I talk about it with my friends. Especially if it involves that friend. Communication is sexy. And consent is sexier.”
“I’m not like you, then.” Morgan picked at the edge of a coaster with her fingernail.
“I don’t talk. My family is full of things not said.
” Aunt Linda’s face swam into her mind, pushing aside the wine fog.
Linda. She couldn’t forget that. If she was to help Linda, she needed Heidi to be comfortable enough to keep living with her.
“Mine are an open book.” Heidi pouted. “Sometimes too open. I know what they earn, who they have sex with—”
“Even your parents?”
“Well, they only have sex with each other. But I know some of their previous.”
“My parents won’t talk about sex, period.”
“Do they know you’re out?”
“Yes, and because they don’t talk about it—it’s filed under sex—they don’t have a problem.
” Her fingernail picked harder at the coaster, separating the layers.
“Heidi, I apologize. I got carried away. The wine”—she gestured at the glass, just missing the rim by an inch—“you being friendly and gorgeous. But I like living with you. I’m not easy to live with—I know that—but I think we do okay.
You’re right: Roommates and romance don’t mix. ”
“So you want to forget about this?” Some of the sparkle left Heidi’s eyes, but she smiled and nodded. “I can do that.”
“Thank you.” She reached over and gripped Heidi’s hand.
“Is that a friends’ handshake? Seal the new deal?”
“I guess.” Morgan turned her hand over and shook Heidi’s. Her palm was warm, slightly rough on the fingertips. What would they feel like, sliding—
Enough. She slammed that thought shut in her mind.
Heidi disentangled her hand and sat back, picking up her beer again.
“I hope we can share with each other, though. Talk about things that matter.” She glanced away, over to where the bartenders poured spirits, bantered with the customers and each other.
“There are two people I trust in Denver: Lula and you. I hope to make more friends, but so far, you two are it.”
“Thank you,” she murmured.
“So I hope we can continue to build our closeness and trust. And that goes two ways. If you want to talk, oh woman of mystery, I’m here to listen.”
“Thank you,” she said again. “But it’s really not that easy for me.”
“You could start by telling me why you want a roommate in the first place. It seems…unusual. You don’t seem to need the money, what with your high-powered job.
You’ve said you’re difficult to live with, and sometimes I feel like a guest in your home rather than someone who lives there. So why do you want to share?”
Morgan’s throat closed over for a second, making it hard to breathe.
Of course, perceptive Heidi would see these things and wonder.
Roommates were usually roommates either because they’d been friends forever and loved living with each other or for financial reasons.
And Heidi had to realize neither of those seemed to fit.
“It’s complicated.” The urge to confess about her job rose in her chest. How hard could it be to say the words?
But that would elicit sympathy, would mean she’d become a lesser person in Heidi’s eyes.
Or would she? Heidi didn’t seem judgmental; she certainly didn’t equate anyone’s worth with their job.
How hard could it be?
Don’t tell anyone your father and I have separate beds.
Don’t tell anyone about my operation.
Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we love the old one.
The “don’t tell”s of her childhood were a part of her psyche. Put on the successful front, hide your failures.
Heidi watched her. “It’s okay, Morgan. You can keep your secrets. Just know that if you ever want to share them, I’m on your side.”
She nodded, her throat too tight for words. Instead, she picked up her wine again and took a sip.
Sometimes, it was easier not to face things.