Chapter 36 Venn Diagram
Venn Diagram
When Heidi thumped down the stairs again fifteen minutes later, wet hair slicked back on her head, curvy body encased in a loose sweatshirt and leggings, Morgan was still at a loss. She knew they needed to talk, but what did she even want to say?
The fajitas were nearly ready, so while Heidi opened two more beers, Morgan set out the tortillas and the plate of sizzling meat and peppers. Heidi ate quickly with appreciative hums, but Morgan picked at her food, her mind still whirling over what she needed to say.
“That was amazing.” Heidi swiped her finger through the last of the sauce, then sucked it. “Best fajitas I’ve had in forever.”
“How was your day?” Morgan gave up pretending to eat and pushed her plate to one side.
Heidi grimaced. “Robert’s being a dick. He gave me all these shifts at the start of the week, and then today, he took half of them away again as his nephew is apparently home from college and needs a job.
Luis is hopeless, but Robert gives him the good shifts.
I fell off the ball in my hunt for another job, but I need to start looking again. ”
“Do you ever think of doing something else?”
Heidi pulled a face. “If DU ever gets back to me about my application, I’ll be starting college in September. And eventually I’ll be a psychologist. So, yes. But in the meantime, here I am, pulling beer and making watered-down happy hour margaritas.”
“You should hear soon.”
“I’m hoping this week. Fingers crossed. And living so close to DU will make it easy. That is, if what you want to talk about isn’t about how I need to find somewhere else to live.”
“No!” The denial was instinctive. “No way.” Morgan took a deep breath. “But it is about us. In a way. It’s also…about me.”
Heidi tilted her head but remained silent, her warm brown eyes fixed on Morgan’s face.
“I like you living here—very much so. I don’t want to talk about that. You’re messy, yeah—”
“I thought I wasn’t anymore!”
“You still are, compared to me. But my standard is too rigid. I’m learning that. Learning to relax without worrying if the floor is clean. It’s not you, Heidi. It’s me.”
Heidi said nothing, simply reached across the table and took Morgan’s hand. Her fingers stroked soothing patterns over the back.
“I told you I find it hard to talk about personal things. My family are the same. Stoic. We hid things, kept up a front that everything was perfect. I’ve been doing that with you, Heidi.
It didn’t seem relevant at first. You were just a roommate, someone who was here to make living more affordable. ”
“So you can pay your Aunt Linda’s treatment,” Heidi murmured. “You’re good people, Morgan.”
“Not just Linda. Although she’s an enormous part of it. My job…”
“You told me you were fired,” Heidi murmured. “But I think there’s more than that. But I won’t pry. I always figured you’d tell me if you wanted me to know.”
Perceptive Heidi.
“The reason I was fired…” Morgan swallowed hard.
“I lost my job because I made a major mistake. Cost the client hundreds of thousands of dollars. She demanded I be fired. And while I’ve applied for jobs in the financial sector since, most of the time, I don’t get any acknowledgment of my application.
And if I do, it’s a polite thanks-but-no-thanks.
” She looked down at her hands. “That’s why I pretended to you I was still working.
I was too ashamed to admit that after seven years in finance, I’m basically unemployable. ”
Heidi’s brow creased. “One mistake and a perfect record is erased, just like that?”
Morgan nodded. “It was a major mistake. I was tired, I’d worked an eleven-hour day, and I confused two similar business names. Didn’t sell shares in the company that was failing, instead I sold the shares of the successful company on the rise. I was walked out when it was discovered.”
Heidi nodded. “And now you’re paying your housing loan and living expenses from your savings and my rent? What about unemployment benefits?”
“I was fired for misconduct; I’m not eligible.”
“And you’ve offered to pay Linda’s treatment costs. Oh, Morgan.” Tears glinted in Heidi’s eyes.
The letter from Linda burned into her mind again. It was upstairs on her dresser.
“You said you wouldn’t take other work, but you could temp, surely? As an admin assistant. You wouldn’t need to put it on your résumé.”
Sit in an office typing or filing, answering yes, sir, no, sir, taking her breaks when told, probably clocking in and out?
It all sounded so demeaning. But…she looked at Heidi.
Heidi basically worked like that, except in a bar, not an office.
And she didn’t let it get her down. She just got on with it and did what was necessary to get back on her feet.
Morgan bit her lip. When she put it like that, she was being too precious.
“Why didn’t you tell me about why you were fired?” Heidi said when the silence had stretched too long. “Surely you’d know I wouldn’t judge?”
“I haven’t told anyone I’ve lost my job, let alone the reason for it. Not my parents, not Aunt Linda, none of my friends—although most of my friends were in finance, and so of course they know through the grapevine. They don’t call anymore.”
Sympathy radiated from Heidi’s eyes, and Morgan looked away. She lifted her chin. “Don’t feel sorry for me,” she said crisply. “I have my portfolio. Savings. I’m doing fine.”
“But you need a housemate. I think, Morgan, there’s no way I’d be living here if you hadn’t been worried about money.”
She fixed her gaze on the napkin on the table, pleating it between her fingers. Of course Heidi was right about that. But that still wasn’t what she wanted to talk about.
“My family… We don’t admit to our failures. We pretend everything is perfect, even when it’s not.”
“Like Linda is doing,” Heidi whispered. “Have you heard from her? Is she accepting your offer? Can you afford—”
“Wait here.” Morgan rose and went to get Linda’s letter. She handed it to Heidi. “Read this.”
Heidi read it, then set it on the table. Her eyes shone with unshed tears. “Why? Why would anyone do this if they had any other option? To her kids, but mainly to herself? I thought she’d come around, I thought her kids would talk her into getting proper treatment. Have you talked to them?”
“No. But I should. I was waiting to see what happened over Thanksgiving.”
“If this is her wish, you need to respect it.”
“Her kids haven’t called me. I thought they might, once Linda told them my offer.”
“Maybe she didn’t. She could be doing the family thing—putting a good face on it, minimizing the severity of her cancer.”
Morgan’s breath trickled out of her. Of course that was almost certainly what had happened. “I should call Ellie. I always got along better with her.”
“Maybe we need another road trip. Go and talk to Linda.”
“One hell of a road trip. She’s in New Jersey.”
“A flight trip, then. I’ll come with you—if you want.
You helped me when I needed it. It’s my turn to be there for you.
I’m your friend, remember? Yes, we’re lovers too—at least, I hope we still are.
But I was your friend first. It’s not weakness to show the less-than-perfect side of our lives.
I don’t think less of you for losing your job.
It sounds like you made an easy mistake because you were tired and overworked and you were heavily penalized for it.
For one mistake. If you’d had to work less hours, if you hadn’t been tired—would it have happened? Most likely not.”
“I didn’t have to work those hours,” Morgan said. “I set my own. And I’ve never slept well. You know that.”
“But the workplace culture? Was it expected of you, whether it was stated or not?”
“I had to do that to get ahead.”
Heidi said nothing, but her silence spoke volumes.
“I worked the hours I did by choice.” Her voice sounded defensive in her own ears.
“I’m not questioning your choices, Morgan.
I’m saying that your employer seemed not to care for the well-being of their people.
” She took Morgan’s hand again and turned it over, palm up, then uncurled her fingers one by one.
“You’re tense. Just talking about this has you wound up. ” She stroked Morgan’s palm.
Morgan shuddered at the soft touch.
“I bet you were great at your job before this happened. I bet you were high performing, got the results, got the highest commissions.”
“I did, yes.”
“Do you want to go back to finance? Did you love your work?”
Love. What a strange term to use about work.
Work was something that filled the hours between eight and six—or, if she was honest, between seven in the morning and eight at night.
She did her job. She got paid. She counted herself lucky to have such a gorgeous house in an upmarket area. But did she love her job?
“Sometimes. I like helping people manage their money. I love figuring out what’s a good investment and what’s going to perform poorly.
I love ensuring people’s financial security.
But I never enjoyed the cutthroat competition for clients, or how clients would switch advisors on a whim.
The male-dominated workplace. Does anyone really love their job? ”
“I don’t know,” Heidi said. “I don’t. Not now.
But I have in the past. But I don’t let my job make me miserable or define me.
I take the good times and don’t let the shit stick.
And I hope that if—when—I qualify as a psychologist, I’ll love that.
If I don’t, well, I guess I’ll have wasted six or more years of my life and who knows how many thousands of dollars. ”
Heidi seemed so free and unfettered. Talking so casually about the commitment of study, yet not being one hundred percent sure it was what she wanted. “What will you do if it turns out it’s not for you?”
“Walk away. Find another way of earning money that’s more suited to me.”
“Is that what you do in your relationships too?” The words were out before she could bite them back. They implied an expectation, a neediness. And they weren’t at that level yet.
“Relationships?” Heidi’s smile seemed forced.
“That’s too kind a word to apply to my past romantic…
situations. Serena was my only relationship that went over a few months.
And look what happened. I’m obviously totally shit at judging character.
I fell in love with someone who robbed me blind, ghosted me, and turned out to be a total bitch.
In fairness, she wasn’t that way until we got to California.
I don’t want to blame a state for her change of character, though.
California is lovely. Apart from the bears.
And maybe the rattlesnakes. And I’m from a country where most people believe everything wants to kill you. ”
“You’ve had no girlfriends apart from Serena?” Why was Heidi joking now? Her free and unfettered side now seemed immature.
“I’ve had girlfriends. Short-term, casual relationships based around fun and sex and not commitment. Hookups. But my life has been spontaneous. Live for the moment, not the long term. The opposite, I suspect, of yours.”
Is that how Heidi saw their relationship? Roommates who turned to lovers, but something casual for the moment? Morgan opened her mouth to ask, then closed it again. After her confession about her unemployment, that would make her sound desperate. A total loser.
Heidi stood and took their dirty plates to the kitchen. “Let’s sit more comfortably.” She returned and flopped on the couch, then patted the cushion next to her. “Sit with me. Please. I think we both need a hug.”
Morgan sat stiffly, her mind whirling over their conversation.
Heidi wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her back so that Morgan collapsed against her chest. “Thank you for sharing, Morgan. I hope you’re comfortable with that.”
Was she? There was a lightness in her chest at the thought of no more hiding. No more watching what she said about work. That was a good thing.
But them? Their…situation? The uncertainty about that, about what they were.
The lack of definition. That was something new to her.
There was no box to put Heidi in anymore.
Not roommate. Not friend. Certainly not girlfriend.
Was there somewhere they could meet between her need to be structured and organized and Heidi’s carefree and casual nature?
Something in between those definitions and differing personalities, the nebulous middle ground where the Venn diagram intersected.
Although, wasn’t that the firmest, most certain thing of all?