24. Chapter 24
Mariana
The whole night I've had similar thoughts humming in the back of my mind.
Every couple here is so in love, have such trust in the future, while I… damn. All I see is my career. I'm pushing hard to claim what I want, because I shouldn't accept any obstacles. If I can keep the boat pointing in the right direction, I should one day arrive there. Right?
Except while they share their time, their space, their lives with each other, I struggle with proximity.
To them, and to Dom even more. Then I go right back to living according to the rules given to me about finding happiness in my life's work.
And, shit. The only risk I'm allowing myself in all of this is hoping for friendship one day.
Nat's question still resounds in the air, but I can't reply.
Without warning, I'm breathless. My mind is running from me, and my heart races farther ahead than my thoughts, because maybe that's why I haven't accomplished much yet.
I keep getting wound up in what success looks like to me.
Changing my mind about what I want. Which sucks, because it means my parents are more right to keep an eye on me than I thought. Ugh.
Dom shrugs. "Not looking for love."
"What if it finds you?" Pen asks. "I had given up by the time I realized I had loved Bear for a long time. In a way, it found me where I should have expected it but didn't."
"If it finds me," Dom replies, "it will have to work as hard as you guys did and be just as patient. I don't know what love looks like these days. For me. No idea if I'd recognize it."
I bite the inside of my mouth. I give him a look. Maybe I'm not alone in feeling a bit of an outcast with this group of people. But it's sad that we feel this way about love now. So jaded. When it was the most natural thing for us years ago.
"What do you think about love, Mariana?" Ames asks. "You said you wanted to date casually, but that says nothing about love."
"I don't know if I see love happening for me in the future.
" I hide my hands under the table, so I can wrap a thumb in a hand and squeeze.
Hard. "Have you heard about how people who've been happily married say they wouldn't want something bad to happen to their partner, but if it did, they wouldn't marry again or look for a long-term partner? "
"I don't even want to think about it, to be honest," Nat says.
I give her a small smile. "Well, I can't say I was happily married, but perhaps that's why I agree with the sentiment even more. My interest in romantic relationships seems to be in the negatives."
"I'm sorry to say," Evie says with a smirk, "But I don't think that answers the question about love."
I frown. "It does. I said I don't want a serious relationship."
"Someone can be in a serious relationship without love," Evie explains.
Of course. That's what my marriage was, until Henry was done.
I don't get to put it in words for everyone else, before Dom speaks.
He mumbles, "Someone could be in love and never expect it to lead to a long-term relationship."
He makes circles on the tablecloth. Another round of food is served and everyone begins to eat, prompting several compliments, but Dom doesn't seem to notice. Round and round goes his fingertip on the tablecloth.
I take a deep breath. I shouldn't infer meaning from what he said or how he said it, or what he's doing. So I sip my wine, buying myself time to think. People are waiting for my answer, despite the interruption.
"You're both right," I admit. "If I have to talk about love and love only, I would say I'm disillusioned enough I don't plan to look for it. I've learned that it's not all that it's supposed to be."
I taste the words and swallow them with another sip of my drink. They don't fit quite right, but they don't not fit, either.
Dom drinks.
"Meanwhile," Bear says, "I think love is the most beautiful thing in the world."
Pen kisses his cheek.
"And I think we would all agree," Saint says. "I mean, look at all of us."
"Cut it out, you guys." Dom frowns. "You're all still in the honeymoon phase of your relationships. I know you can't understand why someone would not seek the same, but, this topic? You're getting too pushy. Even more than usual."
Wow. Three months after seeing Dom again at Cora's welcome party, and having failed at avoiding their meddling in the weeks since, he changed tactics and went for it. He called them out.
It takes the group a minute to process Dom's protest. Frowns appear on some faces. Pen and Nat blink more than usual. But they all take his words in and end up with apologetic looks on their faces.
All I can do is hold my breath and wait. I'm not sure… I don't understand… but something momentous is going on.
The silence doesn't stretch too long.
"I'm sorry," Evie says. "This wasn't meant to be pushy, but I get it. It's easy for us to keep it philosophical and hide behind our good intentions, but we shouldn't insist so much. What's brought us happiness may not be what would make you happy."
Oh, shit. I get dizzy. I check my glass and, no.
I don't think I've drunk too much. My eyes search everyone's faces again, seeking what prompted this feeling inside.
Like I could jerk back in shock. Like the fact that I can't react without having all their questioning eyes on me is freezing me in my spot.
I have to restart my lungs. Breathing is conscious work for a few seconds.
Dom nods. "Some of us don't think romantic love is how we'll get everything we want, is all."
And, when push comes to shove, he feels free to tell his friends what he thinks. And they listen.
"All right," Saint says. "Fair. We'll retreat."
I gulp. I'm breathing easier now. I'm not dizzy anymore. My mind is blown, though.
I had never seen something like this in action. Whenever my parents went on philosophical discussions like this— arguing the total opposite, funnily enough— there was no room to oppose their conclusions. Or ask them to stop.
This is all so new to me.
"What we can all agree on," Dom says out of nowhere, "is that this meal is excellent."
His friends let him change the subject. I watch them get comfortable again, eating and chatting about the show and any other topic that pops into their minds.
It takes me several minutes to recover from my shock, but it's a cozy evening, and it helps.
It gives me time to process what I've witnessed.
To think about all the things I've believed about love and my fear of judgment.
It leaves me with a melancholic emptiness between my lungs. Who knows where my life might have gone, had I confronted some of these things before.
I glance at Dom, grinning at Saint and Ames across from us, then I gaze out the window. Drops cover the transparent bits on the tent, refracting colors from the city below.
I'm in limbo, and I don't even know why.
The staff moved the couches outside to face each other, so we can all chat. The screen at the back replays Ames' show, but this time we talk to each other.
I'm sitting with Dom again. The night has kept the same vibe as dinner, and the nostalgia remains in my chest. Everyone smiles at me and includes me in conversations. Yet there's something missing and I have no idea what it is.
I check the time on my phone. "I think it's time for me to leave."
"Are you sure?" A few people ask.
No, I'm not sure, but an alarm continues to beep in my head, constant and nagging, even if it's so subtle it feels more like a lost memory. A faraway sound, crossing through a foggy landscape.
"Yeah," I say. "Just asked to be picked up."
"Would you like a bodyguard today?" Bear asks.
"No, I'm good. Thank you. It won't take long."
We go back and forth a few more times, but eventually I say goodbye to everyone. A few hugs happen. Not from Dom, of course, but I don't mind. It's better that way.
I'm all the way at the curb when my car gets cancelled.
"What?" I mutter and frown to my phone.
I ask for another one. I don't expect it to take long, and the rain fits my nostalgic mood, so I stay put while waiting for the notification confirming a new driver.
It happens three times before I give up and try again from the entrance hall. Should I go upstairs? Probably not. The app says my car will be here in five minutes. Not worth being a bother for five minutes.
I go outside again with two minutes to spare.
The rain is falling a bit harder. I take a big sigh and lift my face to the sky, using the sensation of the drops on my face to calm me down.
I shiver and cross my arms. My thick wool sweater would have been fine, if I didn't have to stand in the rain for so long.
Maybe I'll take a long, warm shower when I make it home—
The ding on my phone alerts me to another ride cancellation.
"What the fuck?!"
I'm tapping away, looking for options, thinking fast, when a car stops in front of me.
The window slides down. I take a step back and frown.
"Mariana. What are you doing?" Dom's voice is irritated again. "I thought you would be home already."
He leans toward me, one hand on the passenger seat, and a raised eyebrow my way.
"I should be!" I exclaim. "I would be, if they didn't keep cancelling my rides."
"You could have gone back upstairs."
"It didn't kill me to wait for twenty minutes. I'd be fine, if I could only get a car."
"You're in the rain."
My hair is getting heavier, and I have to keep cleaning my phone's screen.
"I know." I resist the urge to be snarky about it. "I'll go inside to wait."
"Get in the car."
My eyes snap to him. "What?"
"I'll drive you."
"What?" My tone comes out with a lot more wonder this time.
He stretches to open the side door and gives it a little push. "Come on. You must be drenched."
"I'm not drenched." I get in the car. "But thank you."
He turns on the heating setting for my seat. "Where to?"
I give him my address and he starts driving. I shiver, warming up now that I'm enveloped in warm leather and air and… his smell.