25. Chapter 25
Dom
Her eyes have been sad most of the night. They've been a mirror to my mood, especially since I caught her standing in the rain, but they are filled with confusion now.
"What's the issue we're having?" she asks.
I let out a fake suffering sigh. "We've been better at letting go of love than we've been at resisting lust."
We need the joke. Something to alleviate the heaviness of what talking about love does to us. It doesn't help that we're in the close space of my car, hearing the skies pouring on the roof, and lulled by the soft light coming in from the city lamps.
She laughs. "Yeah, well. Lust isn't as complicated."
"And we were really good at it too. It's understandable. Especially considering we're both on a break from dating for a while."
"But it's possible to find, right?" she asks. "You've dated a lot. Slept with a thousand people. Did that happen to you? You found that kind of physical chemistry, yeah?"
Funniest thing? I didn't sleep with as many people as she thinks. I didn't have sex with everyone I dated. But I don't correct her.
I shake my head. "Why are you asking?"
"Trying to have hope in something."
"Chemistry can happen. Kind of." I let out a long, slow breath. This one is real. "No. Not really. Not the same way."
She drops her head in a disappointed way. "That sucks for us."
I chuckle. "I wish I could tell you otherwise."
"True sexual compatibility is hard to find."
Yet I'm here trying to be encouraging to the one person I had everything with, for her to go find with other people. I'm trying to give her hope in the same things I've stopped wanting for myself.
Shit. I'm choosing her again. Not romantically, but as someone I care for. Someone I dedicate time and effort to. I'm comforting her when I need comfort, too.
A puddle breaks with hundreds of raindrops piercing the surface, in front of the car on the road. Water trails down the windshield, now that the engine is off and it can build and drop like rivers on glass.
I scratch my eyebrow. "Dating often and having casual sex can be good. Fun. Pleasant."
Am I trying to convince myself? Maybe, but I'm telling the truth. Dating like I have has been fun. Pleasant.
"Ew, no," she says.
"What?" I smirk.
"You might as well say it's passable. I'm not looking for something passable."
"I didn't say that. It can be gratifying and it can also keep your bed warm. Not alone, you know?"
"Ugh, I think I'd rather be alone than have a series of adequate encounters."
I laugh. "It's not like you will know until it happens. But do you prefer taking care of things on your own? Be my guest."
"This is my dilemma, don't you see? I don't want to be totally alone, but I'd rather be alone than that."
"Good luck figuring that out."
I know I've tried.
"What we had," she muses. "Exactly that. Except without the heartbreak, the grief, the pain. Is it too much to ask? It shouldn't be too much to ask."
Her tone makes it sound almost like a joke, like she's come to the same conclusion as me, and knows we need to lighten the tone. But I hear the truth hidden in her words… and it hurts.
"You can't slice what we had that way," I say.
It's the gentler way to say she's trying to slice me into the parts she's willing to have and the parts she's not.
She's rejecting parts of us, our history, and who we were together.
Like maybe she regrets not only how things ended, but the fact we were in love at all.
The only way we wouldn't have gone through the pain is if we hadn't fallen in love.
She doesn't seem to realize it.
"Can't we?" she asks. "We've done it at least twice since I came to Seattle."
Her smile says she doesn't mean this to hurt. She doesn't seem to think our chemistry had anything to do with our hearts. And maybe she's right, but…
I shake my head.
"We had sex out of lust," she explains. "It was quick but good. Right? It was so good. And it didn't end in pain. No heart, nothing to break. We should be able to have that."
For the length of three heartbeats, time slows down. I don't move. The rain sounds stop, replaced by blood rushing in my ears.
"Have that… together?" I ask.
She said 'we' too many times, and I lost track of the implications along the way.
She cocks her head, a contemplative look on her face. I breathe a little easier, to see she didn't mean it that way. Because if she had… with how I've been feeling tonight…
Too many memories hover right outside my field of vision.
What I can't see, I feel in my bones. How with her I opened to life.
Everything seemed brighter and fuller when we were together.
Mariana's smile held power over me. Her ambition filled me with awe.
Matching her determination taught me hope.
But half the reasons why I loved her were the reasons she went away, too.
She studies me, thoughts fleeting through her mind. "Now that you say it…"
Crap.
"Mariana." I shake my head and grab the wheel with both hands. "It's a terrible idea."
"We were successful twice." She chews on her bottom lip. It's nerves, not seduction. "It could be fun. It could make us feel good for a little while. So what do you think? Should we try?"
And now she is actually asking me, and I'm not suspended in shock anymore. I'm flooded with heat, and my heart races, and my brain screams a thousand warnings, and my cock perks up like we could get on board with this.
"Don't do this," I say.
I'm torn. Split right down the middle. My body remembers, and it knows she's right. A short trip down memory lane could be the respite of a lifetime— a break from the longing, an abdication to what we had.
It could also wreck the hard-earned truce we've achieved, when things invariably end.
"Sorry." Her tone is quiet. "Just a thought. Forget it. It's just that having you around keeps drawing me in and after everything the past few weeks… But no. It's too risky. I know I'm being selfish. Asking too much of you again. I should really stop doing that."
"Fuck," I mutter, whiteknuckling the wheel.
"It's okay," she whispers. "I promise I'll get better. I won't give up on being better. And maybe… maybe this is your chance to tell me no."
It takes a minute but I gaze at her.
Her lips tilt in a small smile, but her eyes are sad. "A few weeks ago you said you'd love to see me break and ask, because it would give you a chance to say no to me for once."
I freeze again. Even harder than before. So much so that my hands hurt as they squeeze, shooting tension up my arms to my shoulders.
"I broke." She gives me the tiniest smile. "You're welcome."
She tries to joke, but I know her too well.
"Mari."
"Thanks for the ride," she says. "Goodnight."
Without fanfare, looking like this was the most casual drive back home, she gets out of the car. Rain hammers down on her but she doesn't rush. She walks slowly toward the entrance of her building.
"Fuck. Fuck!" I say.
I should be happy. Pride and righteousness should have my chest all puffed up, and I should be smirking at her retreating form. It's the moment when I was meant to feel like I won, like I got it right, and I got my chance to prove it. My redemption.
Instead, I want to scream that this is unfair. That it wasn't supposed to feel like I'm losing her all over again. Like I'm a fool thinking with my dick again, and a heart too bruised and tired to get in the way and rescue me from a mistake.
She's almost to the door.
"Damn it."
I get out of the car. "Mariana!"
She stops.
I stride to her until we're face-to-face, standing in the rain. Drops fall down my temples, collecting on my shoulders, cooling me down fast. Her hair gets flattened, and a few small beads hang from her eyelashes. Her arms are crossed, keeping herself together, keeping some warmth for herself.
My hands lay fisted at my sides. Hell, even my core is engaged, as I keep myself still.
She doesn't do anything more than look at me with expectant eyes.
I'm going to end up paying for this.
"Get the fuck over here," I growl.
And we jump to each other's arms.
We kiss at the same time. Her lips on mine bring on an explosion where my heart should be, making it disappear.
I'm moved in place, like the rain is a watercourse and we're caught in a current.
We're in the rapids, taken by a force I can't fight.
All I can do is try to keep my head above water, and hope not to drown.
I may be a fool, but I've never been a weak man. It seems Mariana Sinclair is the exception.
I can't find it in me to care, when this kiss makes me feel strong again.