41. Chapter 41 #2
Gold has turned to violets around us. Clouds are rolling in. It's beautiful in its own way, with fading light deepening the green and dark grays of the sea and the hundred islands around us. We won't have stars tonight, and maybe that's okay.
"I heard what he asked you," Cora says. "He wanted you to figure out what you want. What do you want, Mari? Not what do you think will make Mom and Dad happy. What will make you happy?"
"I think that's worthy of respect." Maisie rubs my knee. "Standing up for what matters to you."
"It means you're respecting yourself," Cora adds. "It makes it a hell of a lot easier to listen to what Mom and Dad say, how they say it, and take in only what helps. Anything unnecessarily critical can slide right off your shoulders if you let it."
I did say I was going to ask my sisters how in hell to learn to cope with our parents' expectations.
"It might take me some time to get there," I say.
"No one is advocating for you to cancel your therapy appointments," Cora jokes.
I laugh. "I won't."
"I know the divorce took more out of you than you've let on," Maisie says. "Or that maybe you realize. But if Dom is a factor, and he's asking to know what you want, maybe we start there?"
"He did more than that," I reply. "He asked me to think about what I want to do next year, and about our agreement to end this thing between us without any big feelings this time around. He said he wanted to know if I hate being apart from him for a week."
"Interesting." Cora smirks. "I missed that part."
"And do you hate it?" Maisie asks. "Do you miss him?"
I purse my lips. "Well— yeah. I do. But it's bigger than that.
I hate that we're apart because missing him this week is a tiny portion of what I'll feel when I go back to England.
He said he wants us to avoid the pain of breaking up again.
But I thought we were already trying to do that!
By not developing feelings strong enough to feel pain.
Only now I know I will, anyway, and it sucks because it means I failed at this too. "
"Oh, I see." Cora laughs. "He found a way to avoid that pain."
"What?" I blink in confusion. "There's no way. I didn't keep my feelings out of this. All I can do to prepare is booking a few appointments in London in advance."
"Nah. You don't have to do that," she insists.
I glance at Maisie, hoping to get her support. Only to find her giving me a knowing look.
"What?" I ask her.
"If you don't break up, you don't have to feel that pain at all," she says.
The world loses all color— there's nothing but grays around us now, but it all seems brighter somehow. Like the sun has taken a few steps back higher on the sky.
"Oh my god," I whisper. "He asked me what I want to fix about what happened in college."
"Man." Cora still chuckles. "I knew I liked Dom."
Shock hardens my body. I'm a salt statue, weathered in my spot and at the mercy of wind and rain.
"Ok. Breathe." Maisie puts a hand on my back and rubs. "Let's do this one step at a time."
"He doesn't want to break up," I say.
"No, he doesn't." Cora sucks in her lips to hide a smile, but it doesn't work.
It's fine. I don't have time to call her out for that.
"Do you want to break up?" Maisie asks.
"That's the mistake he wants to fix," I reply. I know I'm being a bit nonsensical, but it will have to do. "That we didn't fight for each other back in college."
"Aww." Cora smiles freely this time. "He wants you to fight for him."
"And he'll fight for you," Maisie adds.
"I'll have to talk to Mom and Dad." I bite my lip. "And deal with their reaction."
They could prove all my fears true, and decide I'm naive and unreliable. Could I be okay with that? With seeing disappointment in their eyes? I might even be signing up to endure a few years of heightened admonishments. Maybe a lifetime of only seeing their proud smiles in my memory.
It hurts, but not so much that I can't learn to live with it. Better than living with the pain of saying goodbye to Dom again.
For the gift of how he welcomes me, and the moments we create together, I'll survive anything.
Wow. Yeah.
I turn to Maisie. "And you said you'd be okay if I stayed in Seattle— but are you really okay with that? and I'd have to talk to Selena—"
"We can still work together." Maisie gives me a comforting smile. "We can consult. No need to drop the plans altogether. But we can hop on a video call anytime. No need for you to be in England. Just visit me loads, okay? I was getting excited about spending more time with you."
Cora nods at Maisie. "We'll go together too." She turns to me. "And I highly doubt Selena would be opposed to you fully taking over the department. She's super happy with what you've done."
"But wait." Maisie's tone switches to something more assertive. "We haven't asked the most important thing."
Cora and I turn to her.
"Would you be happy with him?" Maisie asks.
"I think— yeah." I gulp. "Yes. I think I would be."
"For a long time?" Maisie insists. "Potentially forever? That's the question Amira and I had to ask ourselves."
And they're married. Despite Mom and Dad's non-stellar reaction to their queer daughter. But Dom and I have never, ever talked about a wedding. Or long-term.
"I…" I hesitate.
"He asked you to figure out what you want." Cora leans close. "So figure out what you want."
"And figure out if you love him," Maisie says. "It's the only thing that makes everything worth it."
"If I love him?" I whisper.
My sisters gaze at me placidly, while my chest opens in two.
The day is almost gone, but the last rays of sun sneak in through the crack, shining light and bringing warmth to my system.
Making my thoughts sparkle for once. Because everything Dom and I have been through since I came to work with the Strike has led us to this…
and I'm feeling just like I did back in college.
When I loved him so much the idea of leaving tore me apart.
It's so familiar, so known to me, I never questioned it. Never named it for what it was. Love, of course.
I love Dom like I did back then.
"Holy shit," I say.
The sun has disappeared behind clouds and the horizon, but it doesn't matter. It's high noon inside of me now.
What I want is a chance at a life with him. I want that most of all.
"Ah, hermanita." Cora hugs me. "Can't wait to see what comes next."
"Happy for you." Maisie brings me close in a sideway hug too.
I take turns gazing at them. "Thank you."
Whatever my parents' response, one thing I know. With my sisters I belong.
And now it's all about what Dom and I do at the gala, and the plans we decide on afterwards.