Chapter 15
LUKE
I’ve lived in California my whole life, so I’m used to it being seventy degrees and sunny all the time. We don’t have much variety in seasons here normally, but today is the first day it actually sort of feels like fall.
The sky is overcast when I wake up, and the temperature has dropped a few degrees.
Probably not enough for the hoodie I pull on over my T-shirt, but I’m in the fall spirit.
Since I’m running a little ahead of schedule, I swing by the coffee shop on my way to drop Aggie off at daycare and order my usual iced coffee and her cup of whipped cream.
I debate if it would be too presumptuous to order Riley an iced coffee, too, but then figure, fuck it, if he doesn’t drink it, I will.
I’m on my way to pick him up so we can head to the cabin, and I’ve been looking forward to this collab more than I’ve been willing to admit.
After my dinner with Jess where I vomited all my feelings, I took some time to clean myself up and figure out where to go from here.
I had hoped Riley didn’t notice, but he’s a perceptive little shit, and of course he knew the vibes were off.
Even after weeks of turning it over in my mind, I’m not sure I’m any closer to an answer about what to do next, and I was missing him a lot.
I shouldn’t have been worried about asking him to collab again; there are several guys I’ve worked with more than once, but as with everything else Riley-related, this seemed different.
After the relief I felt when he agreed to come to the cabin with me, I realized that it was the idea of being rejected that I was most afraid of.
I guess maybe this is how guys felt asking a girl to prom, and not for the first time I’m met with the uncomfortable thought that maybe my avoidance of relationships or attachments of any kind has hurt me more than I realized.
Now I’m finding myself with a high school crush at almost forty years old, and if I think about that too hard, I’m going to feel foolish enough to just turn around and go home.
But then I picture Riley’s bright face clouding over in disappointment, and there’s no way I’m going to be the cause of that.
I’m terrified of what I might feel for Riley.
But I think I’m even more terrified of how I might feel if I don’t give myself a chance at this.
In spite of telling myself not to hope, that’s exactly what I’m doing now.
Hope has always been such a fragile thing in my hands, and in spite of how carefully I hold it, somehow it always shatters anyway.
Riley is ready and waiting out front when I pull up.
He looks ridiculously adorable in a pair of black joggers and a white T-shirt that says “howdy” in block letters across the front.
The “o” is a smiley face wearing a cowboy hat.
He jogs to the Jeep, and I don’t think there will ever be a day where my heart doesn’t skip when he turns that smile on me.
“You’re early,” he comments, climbing in and dropping his backpack in the seat behind him.
“So are you,” I counter, setting up the address of the cabin in my GPS before we take off. I’m not about to tell him that just like the day of our first collab, I woke up before my alarm and was too excited to go back to sleep.
“Trying to steer clear of my roommate,” he grumbles.
“I’m not sure what his deal is. He’s barely spoken to me, and I’ve been living here almost three months.
He has some kind of nine-to-five tech job, so at least I get the place to myself during the week mostly, but when he’s home I just try and stay in my room because it feels like I’m always in his way otherwise.
” He looks down and notices the iced coffees in the cup holder.
“You just extra thirsty today, or is one of these for me?”
“Oh, yeah,” I chuckle, opting to take the 101 since it looks like traffic is lighter than usual. “Sorry, I should’ve texted to ask what you like. It was a last-minute decision to stop, so I just got you what I always order.”
“No, this is perfect, thank you,” he exclaims, grabbing the cup and taking a long sip. He closes his eyes contentedly for a moment and sighs. “Exactly what I needed. You’re so sweet.”
I hope the sunglasses I’m wearing hide the blush I can feel spreading across my cheeks at him calling me sweet.
I make a noncommittal noise and focus on navigating traffic until we make it to the highway.
Riley sips his coffee and peers out the window, looking relaxed and content.
The silence is comfortable between us, and I fight the urge to reach over and take his hand in mine.
I grip the steering wheel a little tighter.
What is going on with me? These small, quiet moments with him throw me for a loop every time.
I’m sure I’ve held hands with someone before, but I can’t recall a specific instance off the top of my head.
It’s actually embarrassing how inexperienced I am at any sort of interpersonal relationship when my literal job is sex, and my cheeks heat in shame this time, overriding the joy I felt just moments ago.
“Want me to put some music on?” Riley’s voice startles me out of my spiral. “I’ve got a great road trip playlist.”
“Depends,” I tease, “It’s not all country music, is it?”
His jaw drops in mock outrage. “Hey! Rude! You think just because I’m from Oklahoma all I listen to is country? I’m tempted to put on some red dirt music just for that.”
“Red what now?” I laugh.
“Oh you’ll be sorry you asked.” He’s scrolling through his phone with a smirk that looks sort of evil, and it makes me wonder what I’ve gotten myself into.
He lets out a triumphant shout as he connects his phone to the speaker and presses play.
My ears are assaulted with finger-picking electric guitar, a harmonica solo, and… is that a fiddle?
“Sunshine…what in the fuck is this?”
Disbelief must be written across my face because Riley doubles over in laughter and can’t catch his breath long enough to answer.
He manages to shut the song off and find his road trip playlist, which kicks off with the new pop single that’s been on every radio station for the past month.
“Terrible, isn’t it?” he finally chuckles.
“My sister Mandy loves it. She used to drive all around the state with her friends, catching shows in dive bars. I can tolerate some country pop, but that’s the real local stuff.
It’s wildly popular in Oklahoma and Texas. ”
“Oh, thank fuck, I was afraid you were going to say that was your favorite band or something.” I exhale in exaggerated relief. “I thought I was going to have to kick you out on the side of the highway and make you hitchhike back to WeHo.”
He lets out another one of those deep belly laughs, and I think it might be my favorite sound I’ve heard him make yet. “Well lucky me then, I guess.”
“So, if concerts in dive bars aren’t your thing…what do you do for fun in Oklahoma?” I ask.
“Cow tipping.”
My head whips around and I’m met with a completely serious, blank expression. My eyes widen and he bursts out laughing again. “God, you really think I’m some kind of redneck hillbilly, don’t you?” he howls.
I try to walk it back but end up just stuttering over the words as my mouth tries to catch up to my brain.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” he assures me, laughing so hard now he has to wipe away tears.
“Cow tipping isn’t real. I’d totally try it if it were, though.
There’s not a lot to do where I’m from, but if you drive a couple of hours to Oklahoma City, there’s more entertainment.
There’s still a couple of drive-in movie theaters near where my parents live, so I like to do that in the summer sometimes.
There’s one gay bar that doesn’t totally suck, but I’ve never really been big in the bar scene.
I like the outdoors—hiking and biking and stuff. ”
“That’s so…wholesome.”
He narrows his eyes at me and shoves at my shoulder. “Are you making fun of me again?”
“I’m not, I swear!” I laugh. “I love it. All that actually sounds really nice.”
Riley kicks off his Vans and wiggles into his seat, getting comfortable. “So what about you? What do you do when you’re not working?”
I shift awkwardly, trying to come up with literally anything to say.
Why can’t I think of a single hobby? Why am I so bad at talking about myself?
I put my whole life on social media for the world to consume.
Hundreds of thousands of people have seen me have sex, and I’ve never felt as self-conscious as I do right now trying to talk to Riley.
“Um…well, there’s Aggie now...” I clear my throat, stalling.
“I like hiking and biking, too. And I run in the mornings, but you know that…” Jesus, Luke, you sound ridiculous.
“I love to travel as often as I can. And photography, of course. Capturing the beauty of places I’ve been is probably my favorite thing. ”
“I’m so jealous, I want to travel.” Riley’s voice is wistful as he looks out the window. “My dream is to go to Hawaii one day. Have you ever been?”
“I haven’t actually, but I’d love to go one day, too.” I force myself to keep my eyes on the road and not look over to see his reaction to that. “Why Hawaii, specifically?”
“You know, I don’t know,” he muses. “I think maybe it seemed like the most exotic place I could think of as a kid. One of those dreams you latch onto when you’re young and never let go of until you see it through.”
“I’m not sure if I ever had anything like that when I was a kid,” I say regretfully.
Riley turns to gape at me. “Really?”
I don’t answer and keep my eyes on the road.
The only thing I ever dreamed of was having literally any of my foster families want me enough to keep me, and that never came to pass, so I let it go.
I can’t remember anything else I ever would have dreamed of or wished for.
I’ve never considered myself a cynical person, but maybe subconsciously I am.
The boy who gave up dreams. That would be the title of a movie about me.
Jesus, now is not the time to start pulling up the floorboards of my mind and start poking around.
Something about Riley’s confidence and optimism always has me looking inward and comparing us, and so far, I don’t like what I’m finding in myself.
“If you ever need a travel buddy, we could go together one day,” I offer, then wince as soon as the words are out of my mouth. My goal was to change the subject, but we have absolutely not known each other long enough for me to be offering something like that.
In typical Riley fashion, he turns that radiant smile on me.
“Yeah? That would be so cool. Maybe one of these days my videos will take off and when I’m raking in the big bucks, we can plan it.
Speaking of videos, what’s the plan for today?
Do you have a scene in mind or anything? We haven’t really talked about it.”
Nope, no plan at all, I want to say. I’ve just been dying to kiss you since the last time.
Obviously I can’t say that.
“No specific plan, no,” I say carefully instead. “From the photos, it looks like the en suite shower is pretty awesome, so I thought maybe we could start there. See how things go.”
There’s a fire burning in those sea-green eyes when I glance over at him, the same as the night we met. “Can’t wait.”