Chapter 26 #2
“Yeah, I had some business questions for her.” I try to keep my voice as even as possible, but I must not be very convincing because Riley shuts off the water and turns a sharp eye on me.
He raises a brow, indicating for me to continue.
I swallow hard, unsure of what to say next. “Subscriptions are down.”
Okay. Not pulling any punches, I guess.
Riley frowns. “Are they? I hadn’t noticed. It seems like people are liking our content, right?”
They’re liking you. I don’t say that out loud, though. It isn’t his fault that I’m yesterday’s news. “I think…” I wring my hands together and realize they’re trembling. “I think they want to see you with other people.”
Riley’s frown deepens, and I don’t like that at all. I’m not sure if he’s upset at that idea or upset with me, and neither is a more comforting thought than the other. I’ve never been very good at reading people, but past experience tells me that it’s usually safe to assume that I’m the problem.
He’s eerily silent as he puts Aggie’s water bowl down and takes a seat on the couch. Brow still furrowed, he tilts his head to one side and studies me. “How do you feel about that?”
I gulp, wanting to look away, but his eyes are a seafoam green today, and just about as mesmerizing as the waves they take after.
There’s no anger or disappointment in his gaze, though, only curiosity—maybe a hint of concern.
I want to scream that I feel like I woke up this morning happy for the first time in my life, and the last thirty minutes and a handful of comments have ripped that away from me.
I want to sob and tell him that I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, and that if he stays with me, I’ll only hurt his career.
I want to shout that he’s mine and I don’t want to share him with anyone else, but if I don’t, I’ll destroy my career as well as his.
I want to go back to this morning when I woke up with him in my arms, and I watched him sleep and marveled at the way his body fits beside mine and wondered how on earth I got so goddamn lucky.
“I feel like part of the job is giving people what they want,” I say finally. I’m surprised my voice isn’t shaking, because I feel like my insides are going to vibrate so hard they become my outsides. The words taste like bile on my tongue, and I immediately want to swallow them back.
Riley nods thoughtfully. “Okay. You’ve been in this business a long time, and I trust you. If you think working with other people again is the best business decision for us both, then that’s what we’ll do.”
I blink rapidly. I should feel a sense of relief at that.
That’s the easiest solution, right? I should be happy that he isn’t fighting me on it.
But…maybe I was hoping he would talk me out of it.
That he would hate the idea of sharing me as much as I hate the idea of sharing him.
It’s because he doesn’t feel as strongly about you as you do for him, a little voice whispers in the corners of my mind.
“I want to add a couple of rules to the ones we had before, though.” Riley’s voice is still calm and even, but for some reason, my anxiety spikes. “I don’t want either of us to do any collabs with anyone else here at home. I want to keep this our space.”
Something about him calling this “our space” settles me, and I nod in agreement.
“And this one is your call…” He hesitates for a moment, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “But I don’t want you to bottom for anyone else. And I don’t really want to top anyone else. I like that that’s our thing.”
Our space…our thing…I like that he’s still thinking about us in terms of “our” and not just individual careers. “Okay,” I agree quickly. That one is a no-brainer anyway, because I really don’t want to be that vulnerable with anyone else. “Is that all?”
He pauses again, as if debating, but then says, “Work is one thing, but I don’t want an open relationship. Outside of collabs, it’s just me and you, right?”
“Of course, baby,” I reassure him. “I don’t want anyone but you.”
He smiles at that. Not his brilliant, full grin that I love, but the dark little smirk that gets me hot under the collar.
“Okay good. Because that ass is mine.” He widens his knees and leans back into the couch, giving me his best come hither look, and I’m powerless to resist him.
Before I even make the conscious decision, my feet are carrying me toward the couch and I’m perched atop him, my knees on either side of his hips.
The way he looks up at me makes my heart stutter in my chest. His face is soft and his eyes are so full of adoration as they scan from my eyes down to my lips, where he reaches up and gently takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger and lowers my head to his for the softest, sweetest kiss.
My bones feel as though they’ve turned to liquid as I sink into him, trying not to relax so much that I crush him beneath me.
His lips move tenderly against mine, tongue peeking out to dance across my lower lip occasionally, but the kiss remains chaste.
Pulling back, he slowly opens his eyes and ghosts his thumb across my jaw.
“Hi,” he whispers, his breath puffing against my lips.
“Hi,” I breathe back, my cheeks flushing. Something about that simple word from him always makes me giddy. I shift my weight back onto my haunches a little. “Am I crushing you?”
“No,” he laughs, “I can take you, don’t worry.” As if to prove his point, he wraps his arms around my middle and pulls me toward him, resting his head on my chest. He breathes out a long, contented sigh.
“Ry?” My voice is small and high-pitched, and I cringe at how needy I sound.
“Yeah, babe?”
I swallow hard, feeling incredibly exposed all of a sudden. I bury my nose in his mess of wavy chestnut hair and breathe in the warm, calming scent of him. “Will I still be your favorite?” I mumble into his hair.
Riley pulls back and tips his head to look me in the eyes.
I blink hard a couple of times, the direct eye contact in such an intimate moment both reassuring and unsettling at the same time.
He cups my face in his warm palms and kisses me gently again before saying, “You will always be my favorite. Favorite to work with, favorite to hang out with, favorite to make love to, favorite to come home to. No one else even comes close.”
Warmth spreads throughout my chest at his words, so calm and confident and sure. “I just…” I trail off, feeling foolish all of a sudden. “I just needed to hear that before you go off and work with someone else.”
“I know,” he murmurs, caressing my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
“But we’re only posting two videos a month together right now as it is, and then our solo stuff.
If we just add in one collab a month with someone else, we’ll still be able to manage everything, and working with other people won’t detract from our work together.
We get to keep doing what we like, the fans get a change up once a month, and everyone wins. ”
How does he always manage to make everything sound so simple and reasonable? When he puts it that way it doesn’t sound scary at all. I’ll still get him all to myself for two-thirds of our work. I nod.
“Speaking of my favorite,” Riley changes the subject with a wry smile, “You’re turning forty in a couple of months. What are we doing to celebrate?”
“Um…nothing?” I stare at him blankly. “I never celebrate my birthday. It’s just another day, and the older you get the less you want to mark the passage of time. Each new year is just one closer in the march toward death.”
He barks out a laugh at that, showing me that wide, toothy grin that he only saves for me.
“That is one of the most morbid things I’ve ever heard.
You’re turning forty! You’re healthy, you look incredible, and you have a hot young boyfriend.
” He mimes a hair flip. “I’d say age is just a number, babe, you are doing more than fine. And we’re going to celebrate.”
“Ugh, no,” I protest, dropping my forehead to his shoulder. “Can’t I just plan to sleep all day and pretend to be in my thirties forever?”
“Absolutely not,” he chuckles, shaking his head before leaning his forehead against mine. “This is a milestone birthday. So what do you want to do to celebrate?”
I bite the inside of my cheek in thought.
There is one thing I usually do… “Well,” I begin, that vulnerable feeling creeping up the back of my neck again, “my birthday does happen to be on the first day of Pride month, so I usually volunteer at one of the local Pride events with the health department. It’s not glamorous or anything, usually it’s just smiling and handing out literature on safe sex and free condoms, but I do it every year.
It makes me feel good to give something back to our community, especially since I didn’t get to fully be a part of it till I was an adult. ”
Riley twists to look at my face, and the surprise is evident in his features. “I think that’s pretty freaking cool,” he says honestly. “Would you ever want company at something like that?”
It’s my turn to be surprised. “Yeah?”
“Sure,” he says with an easy shrug—well, as easy as you can shrug with your arms around another person.
“I’ve never done anything like that, and it sounds awesome.
Plus, I love spending time with you, no matter what we’re doing.
So if it’s not like a super personal, private thing to you, I’d love to join. ”
“I’d love that, too.” I can’t keep the stupid grin off my face. If this is what having a boyfriend is like, why didn’t I get one sooner?
He grins happily and rests his head against mine again. “That’s not good enough, though,” he says decisively after a moment of silence. “If you could do anything at all, what would it be? Sky’s the limit.”
“Take you to Hawaii,” I say without hesitation.
“No, but for real,” he laughs.
“No joke,” I insist. This time, I pull back to look him in the eyes. “I would love for us to take a trip to Hawaii together for my birthday.”
“But that’s something I want to do, not something to celebrate you,” he insists.
“It’s something I want, too,” I reiterate.
“You just said you like spending time with me no matter what. Well, same goes for me. I can’t think of anything I want more than to take you away somewhere with no work, no cameras, and no commitments.
A week on a beach in paradise with my boyfriend sounds like the best birthday ever. ”
Riley’s nickname is fitting because at the moment, he’s glowing from the inside out. His smile can’t be contained, and his eyes are sparkling with an excitement I’ve never seen. Sunshine personified. “Well then, let’s go to Hawaii.”