Chapter 35 #2
The chair is full of my clothes, so I take a seat at the opposite end of the couch and hand him the glass.
I startle a little when our fingers brush, and our eyes meet.
He’s pushed the sunglasses to the top of his head, giving me a clear view of those amber eyes I still see in my dreams sometimes.
There’s a brightness to them that was missing the last time I saw him, and my heart swells with joy at the sight.
I don’t know what he’s doing here, or what he needs to talk to me about, but everything about his appearance tells me he’s been doing really, really well lately, and that knowledge lifts a weight off of my shoulders that I didn’t know I’d been carrying.
“So, what are you doing here?” I repeat, taking a sip of water just for something to do besides fidget.
“Right. Um.” He glances around the room, looking anywhere but at me, all of a sudden. “Well…I talked to Mandy, and she said that maybe I should come and talk to you. I didn’t mean to just blindside you, but once I got the idea in my head, I couldn’t let it go, you know?”
Interesting. I definitely have to talk to Mandy later about keeping secrets. I don’t trust my voice right now, so I raise one eyebrow, willing him to continue.
“I just…needed to tell you that I’m sorry, Ry.” He blinks hard a few times and finally meets my eye. His lower lip is quivering, and I have to fight the overwhelming urge to pull him into my arms and comfort him. He isn’t mine anymore, I remind myself.
Luke clears his throat and continues. “I know it’s probably way too late for apologies, but you deserve one.
I’m so fucking sorry for what I put you through.
You put your whole heart into our relationship, and you made me a better person because of it.
I’m sorry that I had to face the worst version of myself before I got better, and I’m sorry you had to see it too.
You took care of me in ways I never knew I needed, and you showed me what it’s like to be loved for the first time in my life.
“I know in the grand scheme of things, we didn’t have that much time together…
but those were the best months of my life, and I’m so sorry that I pushed you away.
Because everything that happened between us was on me, and I know that now.
None of it was ever your fault, and I’m sorry if I ever made you think for one second that what I was doing was somehow because I was unhappy with you.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
And I’m sorry that I never told you that I love you…
because I do, Riley. I love you more than I ever thought I was even capable of loving someone, and it hasn’t gone away after all this time. ”
I’m stunned speechless. All I ever wanted was to hear these words from him, and now that they’re out there, suspended between us, I can’t even find words of my own.
My shock must be written on my face, because he barrels on: “And I don’t want to mess anything up. I know you’re doing well, and you’re happy now, and you probably have Scott, and everything.” The words tumble out in a rush.
“What do you mean, I have Scott?” I ask with a frown.
“Well, I mean…I know you guys travel together a lot, and I don’t want to get in the middle of anything…”
He looks genuinely distressed, so I decide to go ahead and ease his anxiety. “There’s nothing to get in the middle of; Scott is my business partner. That’s all.”
His brow furrows adorably, like he’s trying to work out a difficult math problem. “Business partner?” he repeats.
I nod and can’t help smiling at the expression on his face.
“Yep. We went to high school together. We were sort of friends back then, but not really close. When I got back here, I decided to use the rest of my money from my grandpa to travel. Scott saw my blog and reached out to me in a DM. Turns out he had become a travel agent, and he gets crazy good deals on airfare and hotels and all-inclusive trips and stuff. He proposed we go into business together and monetize the blog. So that’s what we did. ”
The sudden hope in Luke’s eyes is almost too much to bear. The fact that he came here and poured his heart out to me like this without expecting anything in return, thinking I had moved on, gives me hope, too, that I’m not quite ready to entertain yet.
“So you’re not…seeing anyone?” he asks carefully, flinching a little when his voice goes up an octave at the end.
I can’t help but smile and suddenly recall the very first meeting we had on a couch just like this, and how nervous I had been at meeting the Luke Larson. “No,” I finally say softly, “I’m not.”
He twists the glass of water between his hands, his tongue peeking out to wet his lower lip. “I’m not either,” he replies. “I mean…I quit drinking, and staying sober has been the most important thing to me, so I wasn’t really looking for anything. And…I didn’t like the idea of anyone else.”
My heart is pounding in my ears, my mind reeling at this admission. Did he quit because I asked him to get help? How long ago did he quit? I have so many questions about so many things, but top of my mind is: “Are you still working?”
“I am,” he says unflinchingly. “For now.”
“For now?” I repeat.
He nods. “I got a call from Nate last week…he made an offer for us to go into business together. I could work entirely behind the camera and stop making content of myself, if I want to.”
I drop my head back against the couch, overwhelmed by this news.
I never had any problems with Luke working with other people or even working with other people myself, though I grew to enjoy it less and less over time when it became apparent how much Luke disliked it.
I know how worried he was that his career would be over if he stopped working with other people, and the idea that he could continue in the career he’s committed his life to without having to be in front of the camera anymore is huge.
“How do you feel about that?” I finally ask. “Are you going to do it?”
“I think I have to,” he says with a shrug.
“It’s too good to pass up, and if I don’t, I’ve got maybe a couple of good years left doing what I’m doing now.
” He smiles sadly. “And really…I just don’t want to do it anymore.
Working with other people isn’t the same after what you and I shared, and I don’t want to do it with anyone but you. ”
The enormity of everything he’s telling me suddenly begins to sink in. “So…what are you saying, Luke?”
He considers me thoughtfully for a moment.
“I’m saying…I’m doing a lot better than I was a year ago.
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and a lot of healing, and I’m nowhere near perfect…
but I’m doing good. I have friends, and a new job opportunity, and the only thing missing is you.
You don’t owe me anything. And if you’re not ready or you don’t want this anymore, I understand.
But I want you back in my life, Ry. For good. ”
“This is…a lot,” I admit, my adrenaline from a day of travel and this unexpected visit finally tanking. Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by a bone-deep exhaustion, and my brain is refusing to process one more emotion.
“I know,” Luke says apologetically. “I really didn’t mean to drop everything on you at once, and I understand if you need some time to think about it all. I got a hotel nearby, and I’ll stay as long as you need me to and answer any questions you have.”
I nod, and we stand at the same time, making our way to the front door.
Luke pauses just before I open it and takes a small step to close some of the distance between us.
For a moment, I wonder if he’s going to kiss me, and a million loud and conflicting emotions rise up at the thought.
Instead, he gives me a sad smile and says, “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for how things ended between us.
I was so selfish, I didn’t even recognize when I was hurting you.
I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness.
But I’ve changed, Riley…I would love a chance to prove that. ”
Sleep is playing a cruel game of hard to get, Luke’s words spinning through my mind hours later.
I toss and turn, but I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to switch my brain off.
A part of me thinks there’s nothing to even consider; I’ve spent a year missing Luke, and wishing things could be different between us, and now they can be.
But I’m also hesitant to dive right back in as quickly as we did the first time.
The whirlwind of getting together and moving in so quickly was part of our problem, I think, and I would want to take things more slowly if we gave this a second chance.
And would we do long distance? I wouldn’t be opposed to moving back to California, but I’m not sure that’s the best thing for us right now.
Could we survive a relationship that exists primarily via text and video calls?
Well, I’m definitely not getting any sleep.
Sighing, I pull my phone off the charger and open up the folder of photos and videos I never let myself look at.
I scroll through hundreds of pictures of Luke walking on the beach, Luke asleep on my shoulder, Luke playing with Aggie…
Aggie. God, I miss Aggie. I can’t believe I didn’t ask Luke how she’s doing.
And Jello. Something twinges in my chest when I see a picture of her, the memory of that first run on the beach together resurfacing as if it were just yesterday.
A video with a time stamp over an hour long catches my eye. I frown. The thumbnail looks like it was from our first collab alone at the cabin, but that video wasn’t an hour long when we posted it to Fanboy. Maybe thirty minutes, at most. Why is this one so long?