CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Zurie
JJ was in the backseat, playing with his tablet, oblivious to the tension I was feeling. He was only five, and he didn't really understand why Mommy and Daddy wasn't together no more, why we ain't all live in the same house. And I was gon' keep it that way for as long as I could.
"Mommy, we at Daddy house?" JJ looked up, his little face pressed against the window. "Yeah, baby. You gon' spend a few hours with Daddy, okay? Mommy gotta go to Grandma house for dinner."
"Okay!" He was excited, and that made my chest hurt. JJ loved his daddy, even though Jamie was a piece of shit. Kids didn't know any better.
I got out the car and grabbed JJ from the backseat, along with his overnight bag.
Jamie said he wanted to keep him until tomorrow, and even though I ain't really want JJ staying here overnight, I agreed because I needed the break.
Plus, Yatta was coming to Thanksgiving dinner and I wanted to actually enjoy myself for once.
I walked up to Jamie apartment on the second floor and knocked. He opened the door a few seconds later, standing there in some grey sweatpants and a white tee, gold chain around his neck, smelling like weed.
"What's good," he said, looking me up and down. "Damn, you look good, Zu."
I rolled my eyes, setting JJ down. "Here go JJ. I'll pick him up tomorrow around noon."
"Daddy!" JJ ran past me into the apartment, and Jamie scooped him up, spinning him around.
"What's up, lil man! You miss me?"
"Yeah!"
I turned to leave but Jamie grabbed my wrist. "Hol’ up. You ain't gon' come in for a minute?"
"No, Jamie. I gotta go."
"Come on, Zu. We ain't gotta be like this. It's Thanksgiving."
I snatched my wrist away from him. "Sir, please don't touch me. I brought JJ like you asked. That's it."
His face changed, and it was a look I knew too well. His jaw clenched, his eyes got dark.
"You always on some bullshit. I'm just tryna be nice and you acting all brand new."
"I ain't got nothing to say to you. You got JJ, and that's all that matters."
He stepped closer, blocking the doorway so I couldn't leave. "You got a new nigga or something? That why you acting all funny?"
"Jamie, move."
"Answer the question. You fucking with somebody?"
My heart was beating fast now, that old fear creeping up. But I wasn't that same girl no more. I wasn't gon' let him intimidate me. "That ain't none of your business. Now move before I call the police."
He laughed, but it wasn't a real laugh. It was that crazy laugh he used to do right before he put his hands on me.
"You always threatening me with the police. You know I ain't worried about them."
"Jamie, I swear—"
He grabbed my arm, pulling me closer. "You just gon’ leave me and move on like we ain't have shit togethere? Like I ain't give up everything for you?"
"You ain't give me shit but black eyes and bruises!" I tried to pull away but his grip was too tight. "Let me go!"
"Daddy?" JJ voice came from inside the apartment, small and scared. "Why you grabbing Mommy?"
Jamie let go of me real quick, his face softening when he looked at JJ. "It's okay, lil man. Daddy and Mommy just talking."
I took that chance to step back, my arm throbbing where he grabbed me. "You got him until tomorrow. If you put your hands on me again, I swear I'ma get a restraining order and you won't see him at all. Don’t fuck with me."
Jamie just stared at me, his jaw still clenched. "Whatever, Zurie. Go ahead and leave then."
I wanted to cuss his ass out so bad, wanted to tell him about himself, but JJ was standing right there looking confused and scared.
So I just bent down and kissed my son forehead. "Be good for Daddy, okay? I love you."
"I love you too, Mommy."
I walked away before I started crying, my hands shaking as I got back in my car. I sat there for a minute, trying to calm down, trying to get my thoughts together. I hated Jamie so much. I hated that he still had this effect on me, that he could still make me feel small and scared.
But I wasn't gon' let him ruin my day. I had a dinner to get to.
* * *
By the time I pulled up to my mama house in Chatham, I was already thirty minutes late.
I sat in the car for a minute, fixing my makeup in the mirror, making sure my eyes weren't red from crying earlier.
I had on a cute burnt orange sweater dress, my locs were curly from the flexi rods I had put in them, my makeup was done up nice.
I looked good, even if I ain't feel good.
I grabbed the sweet potato pies I made last night and got out the car, walking up to the front door. I could hear music and voices inside, people laughing and talking. I took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Look who finally decided to show up," my mama voice cut through the noise soon as I stepped in.
I looked over and saw her in the kitchen, standing by the stove with her hands on her hips. My mother was the most sarcastic, pettiest woman I ever met in my life. We looked alike, same brown skin, same full lips, same thick build. But that's where the similarities ended.
"Hey, Ma. Sorry I'm late." I walked over and set the pies on the counter.
"Mm-hmm. I bet you are." She looked me up and down. "Where you been at? Dinner been ready."
"I had to drop JJ off with Jamie."
"Oh Lord." She rolled her eyes. "You still dealing with that fool?"
"He’s JJ’s father, Ma. I ain't got a choice."
"You got a choice. You just make dumb ones."
I felt my jaw clench. See, this was exactly why I ain't like coming over here. My mama always had something slick to say, always judging me, always making me feel like I wasn't doing nothing right.
Before I could respond, I felt someone walk up behind me. I turned around and saw Yatta, looking fine as hell in black jeans, a cream sweater, and cream timbs on his feet. His eyes was on me, intense, like he was trying to read me.
"What's good, Zu," he spoke.
"Hey." I smiled at him, feeling some of that tension leave my body just from seeing him.
"You good?"
"Yeah, I'm straight."
He looked at me for a long second, then nodded toward the hallway.
"Come here for a minute."
I followed him down the hall, away from everybody else. He stopped in front of the bathroom and turned to face me, his arms crossed.
"Where you been at?" he asked, his tone serious now.
"I told you, I had to drop JJ off—"
"Ok and what else happened? You was supposed to be here over an hour ago.”
I looked down, not wanting to tell him. But Yatta had a way of getting shit out of me. "Jamie was on some bullshit. He tried to... he grabbed me when I was leaving."
Yatta face changed real quick, his whole body tensing up. "He put his hands on you?"
"It wasn't like that. He just grabbed my arm, I handled it—"
"Zurie, where that nigga stay at? I’m sick of his hoe ass,"
"Yatta, no. it’s not a big deal, I’m fine."
"You ain't fine. That nigga grabbing on you and shit ain’t cool." His voice was hard now. "Give me his address."
"Yatta, please. JJ is over there. I don't want no drama, especially not on Thanksgiving. I just... I just wanna have a good day, okay?"
He stared at me for a minute, his jaw clenched tight. Then he pulled me into a hug, his arms wrapping around me, holding me close. I felt myself relax against him, my face pressed into his chest.
"I don't like that shit," he said quietly. "I don't like him putting his hands on you."
"I know. But I'm okay. I promise."
He pulled back a little, looking down at me. "We gon' talk about this later. A'ight?"
"Okay."
He kissed my forehead, and I felt my heart flutter. We haven't cross that line yet, but moments like this made me want to. It made me feel safe, like maybe I could let my guard down with him.
"Come on," he said, taking my hand. "Let's go eat before your mama come looking for us."
We walked back into the living room where everybody was at.
Sosa was sitting on the couch next to Yah-Yah, his arm around her, both of them looking all lovey dovey up.
Trigg was in the kitchen fixing his plate, and Tasha, who just got out of prison a few weeks ago, was sitting at the table talking to my mama, while holding Nova.
"There she go," Sosa said when he saw me, standing up to give me a hug. "What's good, sis."
"Hey, lil’ bro." I hugged him back.
"Alright, y'all, food is ready," my mama announced. "Come fix y'all plates before it get cold."
Everybody started moving toward the kitchen, grabbing plates and piling on food. turkey, dressing, mac and cheese, greens, yams, cornbread. My mama could cook her ass off, I had to give her that.
I fixed my plate and sat down at the table next to Yatta. He had already made his plate, and I noticed he got me a glass of juice without me even asking. Little shit like that made me like him even more.
"So, Zu," my mama said, sitting down across from me. "How's everything going at the club?”
"It's going good."
"Mm-hmm. And what about JJ school? He doing okay?"
"He’s doing great. His teacher said he’s really smart."
"Well, at least he got that from you and not his daddy." She laughed, but it was that fake ass laugh that really meant she was being messy.
I felt my face get hot. "Mama—"
"I'm just saying. Jamie was never the brightest. I told you not to fuck with him, but you ain't wanna listen."
"Shaunie, leave her alone," Trigg said from across the table. "It's Thanksgiving."
"I am leaving her alone. I'm just talking to my daughter."
"You doing more than that," I said, my voice tight. "You always gotta throw something in my face."
"Oh, here we go. You too fucking sensitive, and overly dramatic Zu. I can't never say nothing to you."
"Because you don't never say nothing nice! Everything that come out your mouth is sarcastic or shady."
"Well, maybe if you made better decisions, I wouldn't have nothing to be sarcastic about."
I felt tears sting my eyes, but I wasn't gon' cry in front of everybody. "You know what? I'm not doing this with you today."
I stood up, grabbing my plate, and walked toward the back door. I needed air. I needed to get away from her before I said something I'd regret.
I heard footsteps behind me and I knew it was Yatta before he even said anything.
"Zu, wait."
I stopped, turning to face him. "I can't be in there with her, Yatta. She always gotta say something to make me feel like shit."
"I know, mamas. Come here." He pulled me into another hug, and this time I did cry, just a little bit. I was so tired, tired of Jamie, tired of my mama, tired of feeling like I wasn't good enough.
"I'm sorry," I said, wiping my eyes. "I'm ruining Thanksgiving."
"You ain't ruining shit. Your mama just be on some bullshit sometimes."
"All the time."
He smiled a little, wiping a tear from my cheek with his thumb. "You wanna leave? We can go back to your crib, order some food, watch movies or some shit."
I shook my head. "Nah. I'm not letting her run me out. I'ma go back in there and finish my food."
"That's my girl." He kissed my forehead again, and I felt that flutter in my chest again.
We walked back inside, and I sat back down at the table, ignoring my mama pointed looks. Yatta sat next to me, his hand resting on my thigh under the table, and I felt better knowing he was right there.
This Thanksgiving wasn't going how I planned. But at least I had Yatta. And that was enough.