Chapter 8
Steph
Then
The space beside me on this gross mattress has long since gone cold when I finally wake, and the hope that had sparked back to life last night wavers.
No.
Nope!
Stephanie Miller, don’t you dare go there right now.
You don’t know for sure where he’s gone, and you’re not giving up yet.
I may not have gotten any of the answers I came here to get last night, but I got something better.
I got confirmation that our connection is still there.
That he still wants me. Everything else can be worked out.
We have a lot to talk through, and I’m not prepared to give up yet.
Maybe he went to get breakfast. It’s not like he has a kitchen in this hellhole after all.
I push myself up to sit, letting out a surprised hiss at the twinge of pain the movement causes between my legs.
It takes me a moment, but then my face heats as the memories of what we’d done last night filter back into my consciousness.
I’m sure I have bruises all over my body.
Definitely on my hips and thighs where he’d gripped me so tightly.
No doubt on my back, too, from the hard metal door.
I’ve never had it so rough before, but … who knew it could be so hot?
Riley was wild, and I’d been completely uninhibited too. We’d never even gotten our clothes off; it had been so frantic. I had no idea I’d like it like that, but … I was into it.
I giggle as I think of all the new possibilities this opens up for us.
Maybe this is what we’ve been missing, why he pulled away.
I was a virgin before Riley, and I’ll admit I’ve been pretty timid with him in the past when it comes to physical intimacy.
He never complained before, but … had things stagnated for him?
Was our previous sex life too boring? Well, if so, then I was officially on board with spicing things up.
Glancing around the dark room, I confirm that, yep, I’m definitely alone in here.
Without any windows, I have no idea what time it is, so I shove up from the mattress and make my way across the space in search of my purse, where it had been discarded on the floor during our frenzied coupling.
The walls still resonate with bass from the music above, leading me to believe the party’s still going strong, and I wonder if I haven’t actually slept as long as I thought I had.
But when I manage to unearth my phone, I find that, nope, it’s well into the morning hours now.
I waver indecisively by the door for a long moment, smoothing down my rumpled sundress and running my fingers through the tangles in my hair, but ultimately decide to give Riley some more time.
I’d rather not go wandering alone up there looking for him again, anyway.
Plopping back down on the sad excuse for a bed, I pull up the text message thread with my best friend Katie.
She’s the only one who knows where I am and why I came here.
My parents think I’m with her and a group of friends this weekend, enjoying an end-of-summer glamping trip before school starts.
That’s right, I’m starting next week at Greenfield Community College, I remind myself dejectedly.
The one I can commute to from my parents’ house in Llyn Lakes.
Yeah. So much for getting out of my small, boring hometown, but after everything that happened this year with Riley, my grades suffered, and my early acceptance to Cypress U was revoked.
Riley had, until now, given me no indication he still wanted me to join him here in the city anyway, so at my parents’ urging, I’d given in and enrolled at Greenfield.
I blow out a long breath.
At least Katie will be going there, too. And maybe … Maybe if Riley and I can manage to get back on track, I could transfer in a year.
I see I have an unread message from Katie from earlier this morning.
Katie
So????
Don’t leave me hanging, Stephie!
I roll my eyes. She’s the only one allowed to call me that.
Well, other than my parents. Granted, I’m the only person who still calls her Katie, and I probably always will.
We first met back in kindergarten when everyone’s name had a cutesy ‘ie’ or ‘y’ added to the end, and, well …
it just stuck. I’ll probably never see her as a ‘Kate’.
Frowning down at my phone, I type out a response.
Steph
I don’t know
The text bubble pops up almost instantly, indicating she’s typing back. And that she’d been watching and waiting for my response.
Katie
What don’t you know? Elaborate, girl! How did it go with captain douche?
Okay, so she wasn’t exactly supportive of this little road trip of mine. She and Riley used to get along great, but he’s pretty solidly on her shit list these days. Still, she understood why I needed to come, that I couldn’t just leave things the way they were with no explanation from him.
Steph
I found him in a rundown building full of stoners. He’s LIVING here, Katie!
Katie
WTF?
Steph
I know. Apparently, he got kicked out of the dorms!
Katie
Holy shit!
Steph
Yeah
Katie
So clearly he’s messed up. Did he tell you why he left? I can’t wait to hear this …
Steph
Actually, no. I haven’t really gotten many answers yet
Katie
Why not? What have you been doing all this time? Hmm?!!
I cringe. She’s not going to like my answer.
Katie
Steph
NO
Tell me you didn’t!
TELL ME!
Steph
I did. We did. Fuck, K, it just … happened
Katie
…
…
Shit!
I sigh again and lock my phone. The message alerts keep coming through, but I can’t face her judgment right now.
I drop back against the pillow and scroll absentmindedly through social media for a while, but I’m anxious and distracted.
I give it a full thirty minutes, and when Riley still hasn’t returned, I decide I’ve waited long enough.
So, pushing down the rising dread in my gut, I go in search of him.
The back door to the building is hanging open, and the hallway is littered with debris—like yesterday, only worse.
The door to the apartment where I’d found him last night is closed, so I knock and wait.
I’m unsurprised when no one answers. It’s doubtful anyone could hear me over the music that continues to play.
I pound again, harder.
Still nothing.
Then, just as I’m debating trying the knob, it swings open.
“Whoah,” says the unkempt man standing before me. I recognize him as the dark-haired guy snorting powder beside Riley. Lucky. It takes a moment before his reddened, lifeless eyes focus on me, and then they narrow in recognition.
“Heeeey, I know you. You’re that chick Riley disappeared with.”
I nod, biting my lip in discomfort as his eyes slide over me lecherously. He’s even creepier up close and personal. Why would Riley be friends with this guy?
“Niiiice,” he murmurs, reaching a hand out and running it along the strap of my dress. I work to suppress the violent shudder that threatens to escape at his cool touch against the bare skin of my shoulder.
Taking a step back, I manage to croak out, “I-is he here?”
Lucky smirks, continuing to scrutinize me for a long moment, his near-black eyes raising the hairs along the back of my neck.
I shift on my feet, a second away from scurrying back to the basement, when he grunts and waves me inside.
Slipping past him, I’m relieved when he moves through the door, leaving me alone in the entry.
Stepping cautiously into the living space, I notice the other two men Riley had been with last night, still in their respective wing chairs, passed out.
How anyone could sleep in here, with this racket, I have no idea, but then they’ve had some pharmaceutical assistance with that, haven’t they?
I don’t see any sign of Riley, so I push further into the unit and down the narrow hallway leading, I assume, to a bedroom.
A single exposed bulb lights the dingy yellow walls as I move towards a door that stands slightly ajar at the end.
I pass a bathroom on my right, shuddering as I glimpse the interior, noting the hole seemingly punched into the drywall beside the cracked mirror, and the puke-green vintage sink with rust stains.
The music isn’t quite so overwhelming here, and I think I can make out conversation coming from behind the partially closed door.
I pause for a moment, debating whether I should announce myself before pushing it open, but ultimately decide that if whoever’s inside had wanted privacy, they would have closed it fully.
My stomach drops at what I find.
Riley is seated at the edge of the bed, leaning in towards a woman perched beside him. His arm is wrapped around her back, and she’s shirtless, wearing only a red lacy bra. It’s the woman Lucky had shoved on the floor last night. The woman that Riley had helped up. Smiled at.
Their foreheads are almost touching as he murmurs something to her, and she grins back at him seductively. It’s intimate.
It’s nauseating.
There’s a high-pitched keening sound, one that manages to carry over the music, and Riley’s eyes shoot up to meet mine.
It’s then I realize the sound came from me.
I’m frozen in the doorway, trembling, staring at the sight before me.
Riley keeps his gaze averted, and I watch as his throat works on a swallow, my eyes tracing the path of his Adam’s apple.
He rises slowly to his feet and crosses the room, leaning against the open door and blocking my view of the woman.
“What is this?” I ask, my voice shaking.
He closes his eyes and lets out a long breath.
I continue to stare.
Finally, he says, “Steph.” That’s it. Just my name, yet he says it with such gentleness, such tenderness, that for a brief moment, hope flares once again. A wealth of emotion is carried in that single word, yet as I let it sink in, let this whole visit sink in, I finally understand.
This was never about getting back together. It was always goodbye. I’d been prepared for that beforehand, but seeing him again, well …
The woman behind him says something, his name, maybe, I don’t know. I’m too shattered to hear anything over the blood rushing in my ears and the pulsing bass soundtrack to my heartbreak.
Riley glances over his shoulder in response to her, and I watch as she boldly meets my eyes, then returns her attention to him.
All the while, she’s playing seductively with the cup of her bra, running a finger along the edge.
When he turns back to me, his eyes are glassy and unseeing, but they meet mine, for the first time this morning—for one final moment—and I see a flash of something, there and gone.
Grief?
Regret?
Then he shuts the door in my face.
“Goodbye,” I whisper to the faded wood.
Unbelievably, I manage to make it back to my car before I completely fall apart. Even more unbelievably, it’s still intact, I marvel, as I slide into the driver’s seat.
Then the tears finally spill over.
And I allow myself to break for this boy one last time.