Chapter 21
Steph
“Saw you flirting with that cute girl with the glasses in the lunch line today,” Matty says to his brother with a smirk. “What’s her name again? Isabelle?”
It’s dinner time, and both boys are particularly moody this evening. I know Matt said he had a rough practice this afternoon, but I’m not sure what’s gotten into Alex beyond the typical hormone-induced teen angst. I sigh, already preparing to put my referee hat on.
“She goes by Izzy. And no, I wasn’t,” Alex says, his face going red.
Matty forks a huge spoonful of pasta into his mouth and shrugs. “Ure ooked ike it oo eee,” he says, which my mom brain easily translates to ‘sure looked like it me.’
“Don’t speak with your mouth full,” I spout automatically, and both boys roll their eyes.
I sigh again and roll mine too. Teenagers.
Matty makes a point of swallowing loudly before he continues. “It’s cool, Lexi, you don’t have to be embarrassed.”
“Don’t call me Lexi, asshole.”
“Don’t swear,” I pipe in.
“Sorry, Mom,” Alex replies, chagrined. “But I’m sick of this— this— jerk calling me—”
I raise a hand to cut him off. “I get it, and you’re right.” Turning to Matty, I say, “Your brother doesn’t appreciate the nickname, and neither do I. So quit it.”
“Aww, I was just teasing,” he replies.
“Well, cut it out,” Alex snaps. “And I’m not embarrassed, ’cause I wasn’t flirting!”
“If you say so.” Matt’s voice is thick with skepticism.
I rub my forehead, feeling a headache coming on.
“Whatever.” Alex snatches up his glass and chugs the rest of his juice, then sets it down on the table a little too hard. “If you want to tease someone about flirting, maybe you should tease Mom.”
Oh, great. This is just what I need right now.
Matty rears back in surprise before his eyes flit to mine. Pretty sure I’m the one with the red face now.
“What’s he talking about?” he demands.
I take a deep steadying breath, but before I can say anything, Alex cuts in. “Uncle Aidan’s brother’s been sniffing around her.”
“Alex!”
The boys have come to refer to all of my friends as either aunts or uncles, but that particular reference hits a little differently now, and it causes my stomach to roil with nerves.
“What?!” he glances at me. “It’s the truth.
” Turning back to his brother, he continues, “Twice now I’ve caught them together, and both times Mom looked guilty as fu—” he catches himself before cursing in front of me a second time, but his feelings about the situation remain clear as he crosses his arms and glares at me.
“Supposedly, this guy was her boyfriend before Dad. And now he wants her back.”
Matty’s eyebrows have nearly hit the ceiling. His fork clatters against his plate, the noise akin to a bell tolling my doom. “Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?” he asks, and I’m filled with shame.
After my talk with Alex, I’d had every intention of speaking to Matt about it too, but every time I tried to bring it up, I just … couldn’t. The conversation with Alex was awkward, but speaking to Matty about it? Well … well, I don’t want to contemplate the real reason for my hesitation.
It looks like Alex has forced my hand, anyway.
Squaring my shoulders, I turn to face my eldest son. He’s frowning at me, gripping the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles have gone white. I reach across and rest a hand on top of his.
“I’m sorry I haven’t said anything sooner, but there isn’t really anything to tell.
” I shoot a look at his brother. “Riley and I are friends. That’s all.
Alex is correct that he’s expressed interest in it being more.
But I’m not sure what I want.” Again, I look to Alex.
“I thought you said you were okay with it, though. With me … maybe seeing where it goes.”
He scoffs. “Okay is too strong a word.” His expression softens, and he glances at Matty. “But, I don’t want you to be lonely, Mom. If you want to be with this guy—”
“I never said that.”
“I know, I’m just saying, if you decide you do want to, like … date him, or whatever,” his face screws up in displeasure at the thought, “I’d find a way to get on board. For you.”
I can’t help but chuckle at that less-than-enthusiastic endorsement.
“I don’t want you to be lonely either, Mom,” Matty agrees, and I’m surprised at how amenable he sounds given his initial reaction. “We both just want you to be happy. Probably we should meet this guy and like vet him or something, though, right?”
Alex nods his agreement.
“Wait—” Matt narrows his eyes on me. “Doesn’t Uncle Aidan hate his brother?”
“He doesn’t hate him.”
“You sure about that?”
I sigh. “It’s true they’ve been estranged for a while. Riley left town years ago, and they didn’t manage to stay in touch. He’s here now trying to fix things with the people he hurt when he left.”
“Including you?” Alex asks.
I raise a shoulder. “Yeah. I guess. It’s like I told you before, though,” I turn back to Matt, “and I’m telling you now, we’re friends.
Or, we’re trying to be. Our past is only one of many reasons why I’m not sure if it can go anywhere else.
I’m not sure if I even want it to. If that changes, we can speak about this again, okay? ”
“Okay,” Alex agrees, and Matty nods solemnly.
My conversation with the boys last night left me unsettled.
So much so that I barely slept, my body tossing and turning in the sheets while my thoughts played a similarly turbulent dance in my head.
Matt and Alex both gave me their version of a go-ahead to explore things with Riley, and …
that terrifies me. Not just because of our history either, and that’s part of the problem.
There’s another huge reason why I should be keeping my distance from him, and I’ve been avoiding thinking about it. In fact, I still want to.
But I can’t anymore.
So instead of doing the grocery run as I’d originally planned, this morning finds me chugging my second cold brew—a matcha latte wasn’t going to cut it today—and taking the familiar winding road that leads up to the ridge.
Though it’s been my safe space for years, I’ve resisted coming up here since Riley’s return, unprepared to face all the painful memories his connection with this place might stir up, and unwilling to deal with the new realities that his presence back in my life will create.
Today, though, with all the chaos and uncertainty running through my head, it’s the only place I can think to go.
Because Riley isn’t giving up, and despite my best efforts and the warnings that continuously scream in my brain, I’m still drawn to him.
Though I’ve lived in denial about it for a long time, the tattered heart in my chest still beats for him.
Could I give him a second chance?
Things have changed so much since we were teenagers.
I have the boys now. There are things he doesn’t know, and I’m not sure if I want him to.
I’m not sure if I can face him learning the truth or what that would mean for my family.
I need to consider all the possible outcomes before going down that road with him again.
I need to finally find out where he’s been all this time—why he left.
I wasn’t ready to hear it before, but now I know I have to.
I park in the small lot at the top and climb over the guard rail like I’ve done a thousand times before, weaving down the embankment between a handful of trees to the small outcropping of granite that forms a natural plateau.
Though we spent many nights together, parked in the lot above and making out in Riley’s truck, this is the spot where we preferred to come for privacy, partially hidden by the landscape from the touristy lookout above.
I can already feel my shoulders relaxing, the tension in my neck loosening as I duck around a giant boulder.
It’s a gorgeous one with all sorts of neat striations that tell the tale of a long-ago glacier’s movements—a claim to fame in our county, and something that keeps armchair geologists flocking to the area year after year.
Many of the highways between towns are flanked by large jagged chunks of granite that were blasted through to build the roads, and there’s a large quarry south of Coldpine Ridge that employs many but is a source of controversy due to the environmental and health risks associated with the mining.
As a teen, I’d participated in several protests there with the Earth Warriors club from school.
Back then, I was full of idealism, self-righteousness, and hope.
Now I understand not everything is so black and white—that change is hard, and our county and the surrounding ones need those jobs.
I still try to do my part for the environment, though. I still pick up garbage on the beach when I can, reuse and recycle as much as possible, and donate to local conservation organizations. I have a deep love for nature and being outdoors, as evidenced by how much better I feel now that I’m here.
I suck in a deep lungful of fresh cedar-scented air as I round the last section of rock, my steps lighter than they have been in weeks. But I’m halted in my tracks when I glance up to discover I’m not alone.
Riley stands at my arrival, pale grey eyes locking with mine. I don’t know why I’m surprised to find him here; he always did love this place, too. Our place. But it hasn’t been ours in a long time.
A flash of anger strikes me at the intrusion. For years now, this place has been mine alone.
We stare at one another for a long moment as I allow the indignant feeling to subside.
It’s as though my thoughts have conjured him, and while my head still feels jumbled, I realize maybe that’s not a bad thing.
Somehow, I’ve managed to summon him here to finally give me the answers I’ve been afraid to hear.
“Steph,” he breathes, and it sounds like a prayer.
He looks as good as he always does, and it annoys the hell out of me.
“Where have you been?” I ask quietly.
A look of confusion crosses his face. “At my mom’s,” he answers, but it sounds like a question.
“No. Where have you been, Riley?”
I watch the muscles work in his throat as understanding dawns. “Thought you didn’t want to have this conversation.”
“Well, apparently I need to. Because you won’t leave me alone.
You’ve only been back a few months, yet somehow you’ve managed to invade all aspects of my life.
” I squeeze my eyes shut and let out a deep sigh of frustration before meeting his gaze once more.
His eyes are full of curiosity, and … hope, I think.
“You’re everywhere,” I continue. “At the bar, when I’m with my friends, looking effortlessly hot and shooting me sly smiles.
Doing that— that flirty-winky-thing. You’re showing up at my work with lattes and cute dog pictures—which you know is my kryptonite—and playing the knight in shining armor when my car won’t start.
You’re even at my kids’ school, for god’s sake! ”
He opens his mouth to respond, but I raise a hand between us.
“Worst of all, you’re in my head. Despite my best efforts, you’re in my head. Again.” I let out another deep sigh, rubbing at my temples and already feeling deflated after that rant.
He stares at me for a long moment, eyes roving over my face … searching. For what, I don’t know. Finally, he asks, “You think I look effortlessly hot?”
“Jesus Christ. Not the point. Answer the damn question, Riley. Where?” I pause. “And why?” Unable to look into his eyes while he gives me the answers that will undoubtedly destroy me once more, I drop my gaze.