8. Lily
Lily
“ W hat’s your plan?”
I take an indelicate bite of cream cheese bagel, shoving too much in my mouth and then pointing at my bulging cheeks, eyes wide with meaning.
Sasha stares back at me, unimpressed, not even blinking as she watches me chew, waiting me out. It’s unnerving, reminding me a bit too much of a snake about to lunge out and strike.
Only struggling a little, I swallow, and immediately grab the bagel to take another bite. Sasha snatches it out of my fingers, and then goes a step further, snagging the plate with the second bagel on it and pulling it out of reach.
“Hey!” I protest. “I was eating that!”
She waves the bagel at me. “No, you weren’t.” She takes a massive bite out of it, and I gasp in outrage. Around her mouthful, she mumbles, “No, you were avoiding your problems. And you can’t avoid this by stuffing your face.”
I sit back with a frown. “I don’t think two bagels equals stuffing my face,” I mumble petulantly.
She flicks up an eyebrow, finishing her mouthful before she says haughtily, “Do I need to remind you about the chocolate last night?”
My mouth drops open. “You brought the chocolate over.”
“But I didn’t eat it,” she shrugs, but then a cloud of concern draws over her features. “You can’t just pretend this isn’t happening, babe. You need to get the big confrontation over and done with, and then close this chapter of your life.”
“I know,” I murmur quietly, looking away, my eyes drifting over the street.
We’re sitting under the awning of a small bakery, our little garden table in the perfect position to let us people watch as everyone goes about their day.
It’s an easy distraction from the mess of my life, making up stories for each passerby, but I know Sasha’s right.
I can’t hide from this forever.
Sasha had given me a play-by-play of her conversation with him. At first, I’d gotten a little thrill, knowing he’d been worried enough to call her, demanding answers. And then it’d registered that he hadn’t noticed, or cared, that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be until three in the morning.
My thoughts had snowballed from there, because while there hadn’t been any more pictures of him and Silvia, I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d actually been at work.
“Lily.” Sasha carefully sets the bagel down. “Talk to me.”
I clear my throat, pretending valiantly that my eyes aren’t starting to water.
“I’ll ask him to meet me this afternoon.
Somewhere neutral and public.” My throat bobs as I swallow.
I blink furiously, desperately trying to push back the emotion welling up.
“I’ll tell him I overheard him. I’ll tell hi—” my voice cracks and I slump, like all the air has just slipped out of me, my chin dropping to my chest.
“Christ. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never trusted anyone like I trusted him. How is this happening?” I sniffle, hoping like hell that anyone walking past doesn’t realize I’m losing it, weeping into a cream cheese bagel.
Sasha leans across the table, holding her hands out. I hesitate, worried that taking any comfort from her will be the thing that sends me over the edge. But then I tuck my hand in hers, unable to help myself.
“You’re one of the strongest people I know, Lily,” she tells me fiercely. “You’ll get through this with your head held high. His choices are not a reflection of you as a person, but of him. He’s the asshole here, and you don’t shoulder any of that blame.”
“What does she have that I don’t?” I whisper the words, hating myself for saying them out loud, but knowing that Sasha is the one person who’d never judge me for thinking it. I’m flawed, with insecurities just like any other woman, but I’ve never struggled with my self-esteem.
Now I’m doubting everything.
Every sweet word he whispered into my ear, every kiss, every touch. Why did he play this elaborate game if all he wanted was her?
Sasha scoffs, distracting me as I look up at her furious expression.
“That bitch,” she sneers, “is a narcissistic sociopath who probably eats babies for breakfast.” I gasp, quickly looking around to make sure no one overheard her.
At my expression, she quickly amends, “Okay, maybe not babies. But definitely kittens. Do you know the kind of person who eats cuddly, sweet kittens, Lily?” I roll my lips inward, shaking my head, biting furiously at them to stop the smile as she pronounces, “A psychopath, that’s who.
She has that creepy fake smile…” she shivers dramatically.
“It’s like she’s a porcelain doll, but her mask is all cracked and rotted, so she slaps a concrete-layer of makeup on to hide it, but nothing hides that kind of damage. ”
“I don’t think you can be a sociopath and a psychopath,” I put in helpfully.
“Seriously? That’s what you take issue with?” she gripes, before saying quietly, “Come to my place tonight. You can stay with me as long as you like, but I don’t want you to be alone, you know… after.”
I think about it, before dipping my chin. “Okay.”
We fall into a contemplative quiet, but the alarm on her phone breaks it, warning us that her next yoga class starts in 15 minutes.
She turns it off, eyeing me carefully. “You’ll call me,” she orders firmly. “I don’t care if I’m in class. I’ll have your ringtone on loud, and I’ll answer, no matter what.”
“I’ll call you,” I promise. “I have your spare key, so how about I go straight to yours after? ”
Appeased, Sasha grips my hand one last time, and then she’s gone, striding across the road to the small yoga studio where she works as an instructor. I linger at the cafe, finishing one of my bagels, much to my stomach’s displeasure, before making my way back home.
To distract myself, I spend a few hours out in my garden, pulling the weeds and preparing the soil for spring planting. The hours pass by quickly, and finally, my stomach urges me inside for lunch.
I’ve just finished when my dad’s ringtone catches my attention. I pick it up, forcing a big smile onto my face, hoping he’ll hear it through the line. “Hey, Dad.”
“I’m a free man!” he crows instead of a greeting, his voice exuberant. “I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel, but you know what? This was the right decision. I feel lighter than I have in years. It’s time to settle down and enjoy what life has to offer before my bones are too brittle to do it.”
“You talk like you’re ancient and on death’s door,” I remark dryly.
“I don’t think you’re quite ready to enter the nursing home.
” We share a laugh, before I ask, “So, salsa dancing, then?” He’d told me yesterday that he was signing on the dotted line today, but it had slipped my mind amongst everything else.
“Maybe I’ll go for the tango,” he muses.
I feign shock with a loud gasp. “The tango! You’ll have all the tongues wagging.”
“Julie will be clutching her pearls.”
“Or she’ll be your dancing partner,” I suggest slyly, and am only mildly surprised when he doesn’t immediately refute the idea. “Am I allowed to know the big secret now? Who’s the new owner of your precious baby?”
“I only have one precious baby,” he counters. “And…” there’s a long, drawn-out pause, and the hairs lift on the back of my neck. “It’s actually your husband. It was Declan I met this morning.”
I’ll get the signatures when I’m back.
Once everything’s in my name, I’ll end it.
My breath comes out in short, sharp gasps, pain radiating from my chest. Dad doesn’t notice, still talking.
“We didn’t want you to worry about it, but no point in hiding it all now!” he chuckles, before letting out a thoughtful hum. “Although, Declan seemed a little…” he trails off, and my nails dig into my palm, leaving little crescent marks in my skin.
“A little…?” I prompt, my voice only breaking slightly.
He lets out a little huff. “I don’t know, my girl. He just didn’t seem himself, I guess.” There’s a question there, and I pretend I don’t hear it.
I clear my throat. “He’s probably still tired. He was at work until the early hours of the morning.”
“He mentioned that, not that there was any hiding the luggage camping out under his eyes. We went for lunch after we signed, and his friend was at the same restaurant,” Dad adds casually.
“Silvia. She told me she was at the wedding, but can’t say that I remember her.
” He carries on, blissfully unaware of the picture he’s painting for me.
“She seemed nice, and she was there on her own, so I invited her to sit with us.”
It would’ve hurt less if he’d shoved me in front of a bus, I swear to god.
“Oh? That’s nice…” I murmur, then clear my throat again. “Hey, I’m getting another call, and I’d better take it.”
“Sure, sure,” he says oblivious to the damage he’s just laid at my feet. “Come over for dinner on Thursday, okay? Bring Dec. It won’t feel real until I’ve celebrated with my girl.”
I quickly agree and then disconnect the call, my breathing coming too hard and fast. I force myself to slow it down, counting to six with each inhale and then another six for the exhale.
Eventually, my heart slows down to a more reasonable rhythm and a hysterical laugh bubbles out of me, unable to believe that this is my life.
Had it all been about the company?
Feeling steadier, I listen to every one of Declan’s voice messages, a whimper escaping as he professes his love, the rough timbre of his voice flowing straight into my ear.
When I’ve heard every message, I delete them all.
And then I delete every text message, leaving the thread completely blank, before I type one out.
Lily: We need to talk .
Only a minute later, the phone rings in my hand. I don’t startle, already expecting it, and hitting decline.
Lily: Face to face.
There’s a longer pause this time, and I stare down, watching as three dots appear, disappear and then come back. Finally, a message comes through.
Declan: Where and when?
The short message doesn’t bode well, but I don’t second guess myself, telling him to meet me at the botanical gardens in an hour.
It’s not the neutral territory I originally planned on, but it feels right to end this where we began. Sweet memories of our first date rise in me, making my chest tighten with a sharp ache.
We’d gone to a little mom and pop’s Italian place, smiling over a candlelit table as we’d eaten pasta and drank rich wine.
We walked off our food by meandering along the winding gravel paths of the gardens, finally ending up at a white gazebo.
Sitting together on the wooden bench seat, Declan had taken my hand in his, tangling our fingers together.
I remember smiling, even though we didn’t say a word, both of us looking out over the lake that sat in the middle of the gardens.
Fairy lights had glittered overhead, an addition a local resident had added to the structure, and it’d felt surreal. Eventually, he’d slowly turned me around, his warm hands cupping my cheeks and gently tipping my head back so he could lean down and press his lips to mine.
It’d felt like the most natural thing in the world, a sense of peace filling me that I’d never ever felt before, as well as the tingle of anticipation, the desire for more.
In my hand, my phone chimes again, and I blink myself out of my reverie.
Declan: I’ll be there .
I stare down at his reply, a sense of desolation washing through me, a feeling so strong that I don’t know how I’ll force myself to even leave the house.
On my hand, my rings glint brightly in the sun that pours in the window over the sink, a reminder of everything I’m about to lose.
But there’s no turning back the clock on this; no unlearning everything I know now.
And there’s no ignoring the underlying urgency telling me I don’t know everything, and that it’s going to get much, much worse.