10. Declan
Declan
M y mind feels like a jumbled mess, but there’s one glaring thought that stands out.
I don’t recognize the woman standing in front of me.
The woman I married was strong in some ways, but she was more like a tree that would bend if the wind was strong enough.
Her roots would never pull free from the ground, and she’d never fall, but that didn’t stop her bending to stronger forces.
I reach a hand out to her, fingers shaking just the tiniest bit, but she darts back, lips curling into a nasty sneer. My throat bobs on a rough swallow, hand falling uselessly to my side, trying to think back to that damn call.
“It wasn’t anything,” I tell her, trying to smile with lips that suddenly don’t feel like they belong on my face. “It was just a call with Silvia.”
She’d called in a panic, almost as soon as Lily left the room, telling me that my father was on a rampage because I’d actually gone through with the wedding. In his mind, all I was supposed to do was get my hands on Hi-Tech and be done with it.
Be done with Lily.
I can’t even remember what I said to Silvia while I was trying to calm her down, but going off Lily’s expression, it wasn’t anything fucking good .
“At least you’re not denying it,” she mumbles. “I wondered how cliche you would be.”
“Why would I deny it?” I ask desperately. “I’m not hiding anything, Lily. She called, freaking out about something and I was just talking her down.”
“Talking her down,” she muses. “I guess it would be upsetting when the man you’re with marries someone else.”
I jerk my chin back, eyes flaring with shock. “It’s not?—”
“Don’t you dare!” Her voice is loud as she points a shaking finger at me. “Don’t you fucking dare tell me it’s not what it sounded like.”
My eyes widen at the curse, and she laughs, but it’s a brittle sound, like she’s a gentle breeze away from shattering into millions of pieces. When her furious eyes lock back on mine, she drops her voice into a mocking mimicry of me.
“I have it all under control. Sweetheart, you need to trust me. Once everything’s in my name…” She sucks in a deep breath, straightening her shoulders and saying in her own voice, “I’ll end it.”
Fuck. “Please, Lily, sweethea?—”
“Stop calling me that!” she yells.
A flock of birds scatter, their wings fluttering furiously to get away from the noise. I look back at Lily and find her staring at them wistfully.
“You got what you wanted, Declan.” Her voice cracks, and I feel a cavernous echo of it in my chest.
“What I wanted?” I shake my head. “None of this is what I wanted, Lily!” Panic bubbles over into anger.
“I wanted to stay in Hawaii. I wanted you in our home our first night back. I wanted to speak with you, not your goddamn voicemail!” She doesn’t outwardly react, and desperation claws at me, stealing my breath.
“Just let me explain. Okay? Calmly. We can go sit down and have a coffee, and just talk.”
She’s already shaking her head before I’ve even finished.
“I don’t need to let you do anything.” She drops her chin, and I follow her gaze to her hands.
It takes me a second to realize what she’s doing, but then she’s already got both her rings off and clutched in her fist. “None of it was real,” she says dazedly, staring down at the jewelry.
“I still… I don’t—” she shakes her head, looking so lost. “I don’t get why it was necessary.
I don’t have anything to do with my dad’s business, so why did I deserve this? ”
“Your dad’s business…” I echo dumbly, a feeling of dread washing through me.
“He called me earlier, told me about your deal. It’s kind of insane,” her voice is husky with emotion, "committing to a year-long relationship, a marriage , for a company you could have bought several times over.” She looks up, her features blank, like she’s not actually here.
“It wasn’t just about the company, Lily.” I take a step closer, but she backs away, eyeing me warily. “There are things you don’t know, things I haven’t told you.”
“Are you saying you didn’t orchestrate our first meeting? That you didn’t deliberately bump into me?”
My mouth opens, but nothing comes out but air. She nods, like that was the answer she needed. She looks back down at her rings, her hand shaking even as she flicks her thumbnail over the diamond gleaming on the engagement ring.
“Marriage meant something to me,” she whispers, her voice almost inaudible.
Her eyes are fixed on the jewelry, but I still see the shimmer as her eyes fill with tears, and my heart skips a beat, panic building.
“My mother didn’t stick around, and most marriages don’t last these days.
” She shrugs, like none of this means anything, but the sniffle gives her away.
“That’s reality, isn’t it? But it meant something to me, and you just…
” her voice cracks as she trails off, and a cold sweat gathers in the low of my back.
My mind whirls like a tornado, flitting from word to word, trying to figure out how I can make her understand. I open my mouth, not sure what’s actually going to come out, but then she looks up at me through her dark lashes, lips pressed so tightly together, all color has blanched out of them.
“Whatever game you were playing…you win,” she states, her voice thready. “It’s done.” She throws her arms out wide, a tear finally escaping and streaking down her cheek. I watch, transfixed, as another slips free until her cheeks are soaked with her pain. “You got Hi-Tech, and you don’t have me.”
“Lily, please…” I say, reaching out and gently gripping her upper ar ms. “I don’t give a shit about Hi-Tech. I love you. I wasn’t lying about us.”
“About us,” she repeats, lifting her eyebrows.
“Interesting phrasing. But you don’t have to tell me.
I mean, I thought I’d stand here and demand answers, but actually…
” she tilts her head to the side, not bothering to wipe away the tears still falling.
“I don’t think I care. The man I thought I loved—” I flinch, feeling my face pale, “—would never have done something like this.” As if everything has drained away, she sags in my hold, looking like a shell of herself. She looks…
Defeated. Broken.
Nausea swirls my gut, pushing bile into the back of my throat.
I force it down, shaking my head, but she’s not finished.
“At least Dad got what he wanted. Guess that means this can all just be over,” she muses quietly, stepping back from me and I let her go as my heart pounds in my chest, wishing I knew what to say to fix this, to explain.
But if I tell her about my father, I have to tell her everything, and the words crumble to ash on my tongue, leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
My vision has gone blurry, and I blink rapidly to clear it as she starts talking again. “I think it was worse, knowing how much I gave to you, knowing now you were with her the whole time.”
That makes me falter, confusion battening down my panic momentarily. “With who?”
She looks at me like I’m the dumbest asshole she’s ever met. “With Silvia. I almost feel bad for her. I mean, I knew she hated me, but I didn’t realize it was because I was dating her man.” A harsh bark of laughter that sounds nothing like my Lily.
“I’m not with Silvia.” I sound like I’ve been gargling gravel. “I’ve never been with Silvia. She’s my friend, nothing more. I told you that. Our families were neighbors. Our fathers are best friends. She’s family.”
She scrunches her nose up. “Sounds incestuous, but whatever. It’s not my business anymore. I told you, you don’t have to keep lying, Declan. You’re free and clear.”
“You aren’t listening to me,” I snap, my temper fraying. “I’m not lying abo?—”
“Even if you’re not,” she interrupts, turning away to look at the lake again. “I would never believe a word you said. Not now. You lied to my face for a year. You even did it just now.” She tilts her head to the gazebo. “Telling me you married me because you loved me.”
She was testing me. It’s a damning realization, knowing I had a chance to come clean, and I’d fucked it up without even knowing. I should’ve put an end to this a long time ago, but now she’s the one that’s going to pay for everyone else’s mistakes.
For my mistakes.
But she doesn’t get it. It might not have been real to start with, but she means more to me than any other person in the world.
I love her .
Even as I open my mouth to voice the words, she’s spinning around. As soon as I realize her intention, I lunge forward, wrapping my hand around her wrist as she lifts it up. My fingers overlap as I temper my hold, not wanting to hurt her.
“What’re you doing?” I demand.
She looks at me over her shoulder, eyes cloudy and dull. “They’re meaningless now.”
I soften my voice, pleading with her, “Please, Lily. Please. Don’t do this. Don’t shut down on me.” I smooth my thumb over her wrist, feeling the rapid beat of her pulse. “I’ll give you some space, some time, and then we’ll talk about this. We’ll figure it out. I’ll fix it.”
“Don’t you get it?” She shuts her eyes, her throat working.
When she speaks, her voice is choked off with emotion and I lean closer, intent on catching every single painful word.
“There’s no fixing this. You broke something in me, and it’s irreparable.
” She meets my eyes, doing nothing to hide her agony.
“I knew that life wasn’t perfect, but I thought I’d found my person,” she whispers.
“I thought I’d found the person who would change me for the better.
Instead, I got someone who broke me completely. ”
“You’re not broken,” I whisper back, manhandling her into my arms. I press her face to my chest with one hand, the other still clutching her wrist, the rings wrapped tight in her fist. “You’re perfect. This isn’t your fault. It shouldn’t have happened, and I’ll make it right.”
She doesn’t move for a heartbeat, and then another.
My shoulders loosen, panic receding. It’s at that moment that she yanks herself away from me, her wrist sliding free from my slack fingers, determination masking her features as she looks toward the lake.
I catch her, just in time, wrestling her fingers open and stealing the rings from her grasp.
I step back several paces, my breathing shallow and fast as I squeeze my fist closed, feeling the diamond digging painfully into the meaty flesh of my palm. She doesn’t move, eyes watching me, devoid of…anything. Lifeless.
“It doesn’t matter,” she tells me. “They mean nothing.”
“They mean everything,” I counter shakily. “I didn’t lie when I put these on your finger.”
“Your words don’t mean anything, either.
” She shakes her head. “I really hope this was all worth it.” I drop my chin, unable to withstand the look in her eyes.
“I don’t wish unhappiness on you, Declan, but I want you to hear this…
I will be happy without you. I lived a full life before you, and I’ll live one after you.
” She turns and walks away, and I’m left standing there, feeling like she just tore my heart out of my chest.
But I tore hers out first.
Just when she’s almost too far away for me to hear her, she turns. Her face is still wet with tears she never bothered to wipe away, and she smiles. “I want a divorce.”
My knees buckle, almost sending me to the ground, and I press my fist to my chest. It feels like someone’s just reached into my body and yanked my lungs out, each breath a struggle. Still, I don’t take my eyes off her, watching as she walks away, waiting for her to look back.
She never does.