26. Lily #2
“I can’t imagine what it would be like to wake up one day and find out your husband killed someone. It was bad enough—” I bite the words off, but pain flashes through his eyes anyway. His mouth tightens and he looks away, a mask coming down over his face, hiding his inner thoughts.
“Her entire life has been turned upside down,” he concedes quietly. “It was bad enough when the world thought he was just a crook, but knowing he was actually involved in taking someone’s life? She’s burying her head in the sand, but we’re protecting her as best as we can.”
Talking about his mother reminds me, “Why did she think we were still together?”
I watch him, sipping at my drink, waiting him out. He doesn’t answer for so long that I think he’s not going to, but then he says, “Telling her would’ve made it true, and I wasn’t ready for it to be real.”
“Makes sense, I guess.”
“Lily—”
“For the past six weeks,” I interrupt, the words bubbling out of me in a rush.
“I’ve felt like I’ve been caught in a tornado, the world spinning by me so quickly that I can’t do anything.
I don’t know if I’m up or down, or where anything is.
Nothing makes sense, and all I can do is try to get out of the way of flying debris and hope I don’t crash to the ground.
” His eyes are watchful, but he doesn’t try to say anything, understanding that I need to get this out.
“I wanted—” I frown down at the table, fingers fidgeting with a napkin. “I appreciated you staying away these last couple of weeks. It helped me to sort everything out in my head.”
“That sounds ominous,” he murmurs. “For me, at least.”
“Everything is still so fresh,” I admit, “but I’ve been thinking about the future and what I want it to look like…
And who I want to be in it. I’ll be honest, I’ve been wondering whether it would be easier just to start completely fresh.
” I catch his flinch, but keep going, forcing the words out.
“I knew I’d heal and then I could find someone new.
Someone I didn’t have history with. Someone I could trust. There’s still so much pain here,”—I gesture between us—“and the idea of revisiting, of hashing it all out with you…” I lift my eyes to his, but I can’t read him, the mask is still firmly in place, not giving anything away.
“It seems insurmountable,” I whisper, before confessing brokenly, “But it doesn’t matt er, because you’re still here.
” I touch my hand to my chest. “You’re embedded.
I wanted to cut you out, Declan. I won’t lie about that, but… I don’t think I can.”
There’s a spark of hope, but he still just waits.
I lick my bottom lip and he tracks the movement, fingers curling into a loose fist on the tabletop.
I lift my mug to my mouth, hiding the tremble of my mouth at his reaction.
It’s a heady feeling, knowing I still have so much power over him.
And it’s reassuring, a booming reminder that this thing between us isn’t one-sided.
It was a reminder I hadn’t realized I needed.
“What are you saying, Lily?” he rasps out. “I need you to be clear with me. Spell it out, so I don’t misunderstand.”
I finish my coffee, and fold my arms, resting them on the table.
“We can’t go back to the way it was before.
Something broke between us when you lied, and it shattered beyond repair when I found out.
I understand things changed,” I rush to add when he goes to speak.
“But you didn’t trust me and now… Now I can’t trust you. ”
He gives a slow nod, his mouth set grimly. “I’d do it all differently if I could.”
That surprises me, for some reason. “Would you?”
“Lily,” he says earnestly, “I’d do everything differently.”
I take that, turning it over and over in my mind, before asking, “Why was Silvia so involved? Why would she think it was okay to call you and demand answers about your plans? She wasn’t part of Nexus or what happened with Donald and my mother, so I don’t buy that she had any stake in what was happening. ”
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I never saw Silvia as anything but a family friend,” he says.
“I never saw past what I wanted to see, or what she wanted me to see. When you and I started dating, she found out about Donald’s plan, and she started reporting back to him, and her father.
Nothing I told her was safe, and I kept her close, wanting to control the narrative she was selling them. ”
“That makes sense, but she’s a problem for me,” I state firmly. “Even before that phone call, I had problems with her and the things she’d say about me, or even to me. And now the messages?—”
“Has she sent more?” he interrupts quickly. “I told her to stop. ”
I can see his temper rising, so I shake my head, “There’s been nothing for a couple weeks, but I need to know that won’t happen again. That you’ll have my back before it ever becomes a problem.”
“It won’t ever happen again,” he tells me fiercely. “She called me…” he sighs. “I was never supposed to marry you. Donald was furious with me about it, and Silvia…She was convinced that I was going to marry her.” His face creases in disgust at the idea and I hide a smile.
“Why did you cut our honeymoon short?”
His eyes flare with surprise. “What?”
“You were talking to Silvia on the phone, reassuring her that you were about to end us as soon as we got back. And then the next day, we flew home.
His throat bobs on a swallow. “You thought I lied?” he asks roughly. “That I flew us home earlier for her?”
I give a helpless shrug. “You were…you called her sweetheart, and you sounded so…” I shake my head, my chest tight. “It sounded like you were talking to someone that was more than a friend.”
He looks pale. “I don’t even remember calling her that. And the next morning… It was Carter. He called, telling me that Donald was making moves on Hi-Tech, and you weren’t feeling well…” He runs a hand through his hair, clearly agitated. “I didn’t want to cut the trip short. I fucking hated it.”
I lean back in my seat, feeling emotionally wrung out. “I’m not sure where this leaves us, Declan,” I say honestly. “It’s all so?—”
“It’s a fucking mess,” he fills in for me, “but something good came out of it, Lily, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
I stare at him, feeling a little hopeless. “It doesn’t feel good right now,” I whisper, needing to be honest but hating each word spilling out of my mouth. “It doesn’t feel like we can come back from this.”
He smiles, it feels a little like I’m about to be hunted, his brown eyes full of promises and determination. “It’s not going to be an overnight fix, but we do come back from this, Lily. You wanted to start fresh? So, that’s what we do.”
“I didn’t mean together,” I remind him, but he doesn’t falter.
“That’s what we do,” he says insistently.
“We go back to the start.” I shake my head, feeling untethered and lost. He stands up and rounds the table, crouching down beside me until I’m looking down into his wide-open expression.
He’s not hiding anything from me, his smile genuine, hopeful and everything Declan.
“It means, Lily,” he starts softly, “that I want you to go on a first date with me.”